%% date:: [[2023-08-31]], [[2023-12-31]], [[2024-01-01]] parent:: %% # [[Limerence]] Limerence is the feeling of intense attraction for someone that is often felt in the early stages of a [[Relationships|relationship]], but unlike falling in [[Love]], it is unhealthy in that it is less about the object of the feeling (the limerent object) and more about the person feeling limerence. Limerence is seeing more in a person than what they are, ascribing to them characteristics that they don't have, and not seeing faults that they do have-- all of which makes someone experiencing limerence seek out some form of reciprocation from the person they're attracted to. The term limerence was coined by [[Dorothy Tennov]] in her book *Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love*, in 1979. Someone who is feeling limerence is called a limerent, and the person they're feeling limerence towards is called a limerent object (LO). ## Symptoms of limerence Limerence is marked by: - Obsessive, intrusive thoughts about the other person - An overwhelming fear of rejection by that person - Unrealistic ideas about who the other person is, due to seeing only the projection of the other person from your thoughts instead of who they are. - A belief that the LO is the personification of an ideal (such as freedom) Limerence can cloud your judgment and cause you to behave in ways that you normally wouldn't. ## Phases of Limerence - *Infatuation:* The limerent meets the LO and is initially attracted. This phase is a lot like "falling in love". - *Crystallization:* The limerent begins to attune to the LO and change themselves to seek the LO's approval. Negative traits are ignored or rationalised away. In love, this is where trust is built mutually. In limerence, the work is one-sided. - *Deterioration:* The false image of the LO is shattered and the relationship falls apart. ## Limerence vs. Love Limerence is different from love, even the beginning stages of it, in the following ways: - Limerence is short-lived. [^nguyen] - LImerence often disappears if the LO reciprocates feelings. - Limerence is more about the limerent than the LO. - The LO is often not fully known by the limerent, and this mystery or ambiguity only further heightens limerence. Love is about knowing and seeing someone for who they are. - Limerence is an all-consuming obsession to the detriment of the rest of your life, while love enhances your life. [^nguyen] - ## Factors that cause limerence ### Unavailability There is an element in limerence of the limerent wanting something they know they can't have, [^wyant] which could be the LO being uninterested or unable to reciprocate due to another relationship. A pattern of unavailable LOs may be a sign of limiting beliefs that the limerent has about their own worth, ability to attract available partners, or willingness to commit to a relationship. ### Uncertainty The uncertainty of whether or not the LO will reciprocate the limerent's feelings is what drives the limerent to seek it, and is a key part of limerence. Sometimes this uncertainty is strengthened by a feeling of wrongness that is present about the relationship, such as if it is ilicit or outside societal norms in some way. [^wyant] ### Inconsistency in the LO's behaviour Inconsistencies in the way the LO responds to the limerent can exacerbate limerence, especially when a schedule of [[Intermittent reinforcement]] is established. Intermittent reinforcement or a variable ratio reward system can facilitate [[Operant conditioning]] and the crystallization of limerent behaviours. ### Other mental disorders There may be a link between the presence of limerence and other disorders like [[Obsessive Compulsive Disorder|OCD]] [^mejia] and [[ADHD]]. OCD (and especially [[Relationship-based OCD]], Relationship-based OCD) and limerence are both marked by compulsive thoughts and cognitive patterns. The hyperfixation component to ADHD is similar to a limerent's ability to hone in on some aspects of the LO's personality while ignoring others. Limerence can be thought of as a type of [[Anxiety]], as it is marked with some of the same ruminative patterns of avoidance thinking. [^anxiety] Other addictive personality disorders like [[Hypersexuality]] and sexual addiction can also make limerence more likely. ## How to overcome limerence By far the best way to deal with limerence is to cut off all contact with the LO. Unlike love, limerence is a product of habit and obsession rather than a real understanding or appreciate of another person, so it fades quickly with a lack of contact. However, in some instances, a complete cessation of contact with the LO may not be feasible. In these cases, a limerent can: - Use [[Cognitive Behavioral Therapy]] to identify and reduce the triggers of thinking patterns that lead to limerence, including [[Exposure and Response Prevention]] [^anxiety] - Practice [[Meditation]] and mindfulness to improve willpower and avoid falling into limerent behaviours [^anxiety] - Identify the reasons for limerence: what part of their LO they are idealizing, or what thoughts they're escaping. [^cho] - Identify their [[Attachment Theory|attachment style]], any attachment injuries that might have made them more susceptible to limerence, and heal those wounds on their own. ## Limerence and projection In [[Carl Jung|Jungian]] [[Psychoanalysis]], limerence can be seen as a type of [[Projection]] onto a romantic partner of things that you seek or are missing in yourself. ## Limerence in [[Consensual Nonmonogamy]] In CNM relationship setups, limerence is related to [[New Relationship Energy]], the beginning period of a relationship where you're most likely to overlook faults and overemphasise positive characteristics. [^mejia]: [[What Is Limerence How to Tell if It's Intense Infatuation or Love, Per Relationship Experts]] [^cho]: [[Overcoming Limerence]] [^anxiety]: [[Signs, Causes, Treatment]] [^nguyen]: [[What Is Limerence 5 Signs You're Experiencing It (Not Love!)]] [^wyant]: [[Treatment of Limerence Using a Cognitive Behavioral Approach A Case Study]]