%% date:: [[2023-08-31]], [[2023-09-01]], [[2023-09-03]] parent:: %% # [[Polyamory]] Polyamory is a type of [[Consensual Nonmonogamy]] that involves having and maintaining multiple romantic relationships at one time. Depending on whom you ask, it can be an [[Identity]], a lifestyle, or a [[Relationships|relationship]] structure. Polyamory is not a relationship status. It is more about the openness to new loves than the existence of them. [^morethantwo] ## Principles of ethical polyamory These are the foundations of ethical polyamory. ### Having a new relationship doesn't detract from an existing relationship. [[Love]] is not a finite resource, and giving it to more than one person doesn't cheapen it or necessarily reduce the depth of intimacy you can feel with anyone. We instinctively understand this when we think about different types of love (we don't usually think that being married stops us from loving our child), but this fact holds true for the same type of love as well. [^ethicalslut] However, time IS a finite resource, so we do have to be cognizant of the fact that inviting more people into our lives does necessarily reduce how much time we can spend with each one of them. ### Honesty is an indispensable part of [[Consent]]. People who don't have the information they need to make an informed decision cannot consent. Being poly means giving people you love enough information to maintain their agency in their relationship with you. Honesty and consent require discussions on [[Safer sex]] agreements among everyone involved. ### Introspection is mandatory. Poly is an advanced level of [[Relationships]]. It requires relentless introspection and reassessment of your identity and needs, because you can't expect others to understand you if you don't understand yourself. Polyamory can be confronting and triggering for those who don't have a drive for self-growth. ### [[Communication]] is key. Poly people need to be good at communicating, because people are complex: needs change, feelings get hurt, and misunderstandings arise. Successful polyamorists don't shy away from talking about uncomfortable subjects just because they are uncomfortable. On the contrary, ethical polyamorists disclose all relevant information about their own feelings, boundaries, and situation so that their partners can give informed [[Consent]] about how to engage with them. ### Treat people as ends in themselves. Many people find their way into polyamory because they have needs that aren't being fulfilled. It seems logical, in this case, to seek others, and relationships with them, to fill those gaps. However, that view of poly is problematic because it tends to neglect and artificially constrain those new potential lovers by treating them as dispsable. Part of treating people as people is communicating [[Boundaries]] and seeking [[Agreements]] instead of imposing [[Rules]]. Having veto arrangements (where one person can arbitrarily decide to end a relationship they're not a part of) is an example of an unhealthy dynamic that is not compassionate. Another way we can treat people ethically is by acknowledging that our sexual choices have ramifications. When we hurt someone, even inadvertently, it is our moral obligation to try to show up for that person while being uncompromising on our boundaries. ### Jealousy is not a stick. It's a myth that polyamorous people don't experience jealousy. Many do, but they don't use it as justification for restricting their partner's behaviour with another. Instead, they recognise that jealousy says more about their own [[Polysecurity|sense of security]] than about any lack or mistake on the part of their partners or metamours. Jealousy is a prompt for introspection and communication, because it is a sign that work must be done to decouple the idea of *ownership* or entitlement with that of being in a relationsip. However, part of ethical polyamory is having empathy for a partner's jealousy, leaving space for them to feel their feelings, and being willing to help them grow past it. Even though their jealousy is their own, you have an obligation to take it into consideration. ### Empowerment is more useful than equality. Everyone should feel equally empowered to state their needs and advocate to have those needs met. This empowerment does not require exactly equal privileges or treatment because people have different needs and wants. ### Maintaining and reestablishing trust solves most poly problems. Most of the issues unique to polyamory are really about establishing a strong foundation of [[Trust]] and regularly maintaining it with open [[Communication]] and a great deal of [[Empathy]] and [[Psychological safety]]. ### The success of a relationship doesn't depend on its duration. People change, and so do relationships. Part of polyamory is not using predetermined metrics to judge a relationship by. Regularly reassessing relationships, and amicably ending those that no longer work for those involved, is a success. ### Polyamory isn't just about sex. Polyamory is about multiple kinds of [[Love]], not just erotic love. It's about connecting to and relating with people authentically, regardless of whether or not that comes with a sexual component. Intercourse can be important, but so is "outercourse": seduction, sensuality, and eroticism. [^ethicalslut] Many [[Asexuality|asexuals]] are polyamorous, specifically because they are unable/unwilling to provide sexual intimacy and don't want to stop their partners from seeking it elsewhere. ## Forms of polyamory There are two different axes for types of poly relationships. The first axis talks about the preexisting arrangements in a relationship that circumscribe any potential new relationship. The second axis is about the structure and dynamic of the poly network, and especially how metamours deal with each other. ### Based on decision-making within a relationship A fundamental difference in poly people is whether they see their polyamory as a characteristic primarily belonging to them as an individual, or to their network. This difference has an effect on whether a potential relationship is judged on its own or within the wider context of the existing relationships. #### Individual agency "Free agents" take a more individualistic approach to their relationships. They prefer to consider each relationship for its own merit. While free agents may (and should) still take existing partners' needs and situations into consideration, they ultimately believe that the only people who define the [[Limits]] of a relationship are those within the relationship. [[Relationship Anarchy]] takes this idea a step further by explicitly avoiding poly relationship structures that are hierarchical. #### Communal Someone who embraces a more communal form of polyamory believes that any new person brought into their lives must also fit within the existing network or family. Communal poly doesn't necessarily dictate the structure of the network itself-- it doesn't mean that [[Polyamory#Kitchen table poly|kitchen table poly]] is a given. Communal poly in this context is more about prioritising relationships and people that are already in your life, even if it means limiting the involvement of someone new. This is in direct opposition to [[Relationship Anarchy]], where the duration of a relationship does not automatically mean it's more important. Compared to poly that is more tailored towards indvidual agency, communal poly is more likely to rely on preexisting [[Rules]] and [[Agreements]] that new potential partners may not have been privy to. ### Based on structure Poly relationships can also be classified based on the dynamics between relationships and the people in them. #### Solo poly Solo poly people sometimes call themselves "free agents". They may live on their own despite having other partners, and are more likely to say that poly is part of their identity rather than a relationship structure they're engaging in. They sometimes look a lot like a monogamist that is dating around, but solo polyamorists can also have multiple deep, intimate relationships while not cohabiting with anyone. #### Parallel poly Parallel poly describes a structure where people within a network have entirely separate relationships with limited to no information or interaction shared between them. Parallel poly metamours typically don't know or interact with each other. A common bit of information that may still be shared is one about [[Safer sex]] disclosure. Relationships with a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy are a type of parallel poly where one or more parties involved are militantly against sharing or receiving information about their metamours. #### Kitchen table poly Kitchen table poly is a structure where those in a relationship network are not just comfortable with each other; they often form a community on their own and discuss their relationships "at the kitchen table". A *polyfamily* is a word used to describe a very close extended network of relationships. Those in polyfamilies may naturally ascribe to a more [[Polyamory#Communal|communal]] form of polyamory where new partners are first introduced to the "family" and assessed for how well they would fit within the existing dynamic. A *polycule* is a less intense form of polyfamily. It is also made up of the network of poly relationships, but may have fewer claims or less influence on new relationships formed within the group. #### Hierarchical poly Hierarchical poly gets a bad reputation among poly circles because it is an [[Anti-pattern]] for a compassionate way of relating to people. Hierarchical poly involves a relationship style where one relationship (or some relationships) are perceived to be more important or valuable than others, with all the effects that entails. Hierarchies can be imposed or natural. Imposed hierarchies look like having a "primary" relationship, usually a couple in the longest relationship, that takes precedence over everything else. Not only is the relationship of higher priority, but the people in it may also receive more attention or have more control over other, "secondary", relationships. This relationship structure is particularly prevalent among previously monogamous couples venturing into polyamory. It can be comforting to establish [[Rules]] to make polyamory less daunting. Natural hierarchies evolve over time as a result of circumstances. For example, a relationship that involves children or cohabitation may by necessity require more attention or priority than others. The key difference is that the relationship was not inherently more important to begin with. The main difference between imposed and natural hierarchies is one of equality of *opportunity* (natural) rather than equality of circumstance (imposed). Hierarchical poly often, if not always, involves asymmetrical [[Power dynamics]] that can be unhealthy. However, it's still possible to make hierarchical poly work with a lot of open [[Communication]]. ## Uniquely poly problems - Dealing with [[New Relationship Energy]] - [[Safer sex]] disclosures vs. privacy - Repeated and ever-changing discussions on [[Limits]] - Working through jealousy and towards [[Polysecurity]] [^morethantwo]: Veaux, F. et al. (2014). *More than two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory*. [[More Than Two|My highlights]]. [^ethicalslut]: Hardy, J. W. & Easton, D. (2009). *The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships & other adventures*. Celestial Arts. [[The Ethical Slut|My highlights]].