# What Is Limerence? 5 Signs You're Experiencing It (Not Love!)  URL:: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/limerence Author:: Julie Nguyen ## Highlights > It can feel incredibly exciting to be swept away so completely by someone, but even in its best state of high drama, limerence is akin to empty calories compared to what nourishing love can truly offer. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mf902w7qgn9xrdbzxsy7e)) > According to Boquin, limerence and love can start off similarly as a dopamine rush, which is why it can be confusing to spot. But while limerence is short-lived and conditional, [real love](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-does-love-feel-like) is fluid and unconditional. When you really love someone, you want them to be happy despite what they can give you. The initial attraction develops over time and eventually reinforces into something substantial and lasting. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mg4rq9g64rg2q38hdwvtr)) > Depanian adds that limerence often comes with the tendency to ignore flaws and [red flags](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/red-flags-in-relationships): "With limerence, you may find yourself hyper-focusing on the subject of your affection (the limerent object) and their positive characteristics to the point of ignoring existing flaws and directing your intense, irrational emotions toward the idea of what they represent for you instead of who that person actually is in reality." ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mgc9xv9z08vntw82wktwj)) > Limerence is based upon you handpicking certain traits and experiences about the object of your affection and then shaping it out to a bigger story about who they are instead of letting time fill in the gaps. Because your view of them is so limited, you can't fully appreciate who they are throughout the good and the bad and, subsequently, interact with the relationship authentically. There's a lack of vulnerability in the connection if you aren't able to make the choice to choose each other *after* knowing about each other's baggage, pain points, and potentially negative characteristics. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mh1d3pdkc2zz3rb2d21ee)) > The thing about real love is that it enhances your life, while limerence swallows up all aspects of your life to make space for one thing only: your obsession over your relationship. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mjs1aepdj4ajf66zsx3gh)) > You may find yourself overstepping personal boundaries if the person you like expresses boundaries or distance from you. You don't see it as an action independent from you but instead personalize it and filter it through fear and abandonment. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mk3kx3q7amfz4f96f9rvy)) > The first stage of limerence is actually akin to the first stage of a relationship, says Boquin, pulling from the work of renowned marriage therapist John Gottman, Ph.D. This is what's known as the "falling in love" stage according to his work; in the stages of limerence, it's known as the [infatuation stage](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/is-it-love-or-infatuation-how-to-know-when-youre-infatuated). ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mks87778qe0mverpatn24)) > According to Gottman's framework, the next stage of relationships is the trust-building stage. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mmh5ry60pq9nch3rhm468)) > However, with limerence, the next stage is known as the *crystallization phase*. Rejection is avoided at all costs, and it's more about maintaining the intensity and packaging yourself positively to gain their approval. Red flags are transformed into green flags as you rationalize away any negative behavior. Limerence appears heavily in the form of extreme compulsive thoughts about how they feel about you and you seeking their affection at all costs. There's still a strong desire to keep the honeymoon period alive during this stage. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mmnyd7c26qxvnfn348ys5)) > According to Gottman, the third stage of a healthy relationship is building commitment and loyalty. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mn0mnw1pxs4mn5kc5z4m3)) > When it reaches this phase for limerence, it's instead called the *deterioration phase*. Instead of the relationship strengthening, it's falling apart. At this point, you've most likely lost interest in your person as the illusion recedes and they're not what you thought you wanted. It usually ends with crushing disappointment and frustration. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mn4ychcdg4z0p5y00e78n)) --- Title: What Is Limerence? 5 Signs You're Experiencing It (Not Love!) Author: Julie Nguyen Tags: readwise, articles date: 2024-01-30 --- # What Is Limerence? 5 Signs You're Experiencing It (Not Love!)  URL:: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/limerence Author:: Julie Nguyen ## AI-Generated Summary Many people get love and limerence confused. ## Highlights > It can feel incredibly exciting to be swept away so completely by someone, but even in its best state of high drama, limerence is akin to empty calories compared to what nourishing love can truly offer. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mf902w7qgn9xrdbzxsy7e)) > According to Boquin, limerence and love can start off similarly as a dopamine rush, which is why it can be confusing to spot. But while limerence is short-lived and conditional, [real love](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-does-love-feel-like) is fluid and unconditional. When you really love someone, you want them to be happy despite what they can give you. The initial attraction develops over time and eventually reinforces into something substantial and lasting. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mg4rq9g64rg2q38hdwvtr)) > Depanian adds that limerence often comes with the tendency to ignore flaws and [red flags](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/red-flags-in-relationships): "With limerence, you may find yourself hyper-focusing on the subject of your affection (the limerent object) and their positive characteristics to the point of ignoring existing flaws and directing your intense, irrational emotions toward the idea of what they represent for you instead of who that person actually is in reality." ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mgc9xv9z08vntw82wktwj)) > Limerence is based upon you handpicking certain traits and experiences about the object of your affection and then shaping it out to a bigger story about who they are instead of letting time fill in the gaps. Because your view of them is so limited, you can't fully appreciate who they are throughout the good and the bad and, subsequently, interact with the relationship authentically. There's a lack of vulnerability in the connection if you aren't able to make the choice to choose each other *after* knowing about each other's baggage, pain points, and potentially negative characteristics. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mh1d3pdkc2zz3rb2d21ee)) > The thing about real love is that it enhances your life, while limerence swallows up all aspects of your life to make space for one thing only: your obsession over your relationship. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mjs1aepdj4ajf66zsx3gh)) > You may find yourself overstepping personal boundaries if the person you like expresses boundaries or distance from you. You don't see it as an action independent from you but instead personalize it and filter it through fear and abandonment. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mk3kx3q7amfz4f96f9rvy)) > The first stage of limerence is actually akin to the first stage of a relationship, says Boquin, pulling from the work of renowned marriage therapist John Gottman, Ph.D. This is what's known as the "falling in love" stage according to his work; in the stages of limerence, it's known as the [infatuation stage](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/is-it-love-or-infatuation-how-to-know-when-youre-infatuated). ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mks87778qe0mverpatn24)) > According to Gottman's framework, the next stage of relationships is the trust-building stage. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mmh5ry60pq9nch3rhm468)) > However, with limerence, the next stage is known as the *crystallization phase*. Rejection is avoided at all costs, and it's more about maintaining the intensity and packaging yourself positively to gain their approval. Red flags are transformed into green flags as you rationalize away any negative behavior. Limerence appears heavily in the form of extreme compulsive thoughts about how they feel about you and you seeking their affection at all costs. There's still a strong desire to keep the honeymoon period alive during this stage. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mmnyd7c26qxvnfn348ys5)) > According to Gottman, the third stage of a healthy relationship is building commitment and loyalty. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mn0mnw1pxs4mn5kc5z4m3)) > When it reaches this phase for limerence, it's instead called the *deterioration phase*. Instead of the relationship strengthening, it's falling apart. At this point, you've most likely lost interest in your person as the illusion recedes and they're not what you thought you wanted. It usually ends with crushing disappointment and frustration. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01hk0mn4ychcdg4z0p5y00e78n))