# Ask  Author:: Kitty Stryker, Carol Queen, and Laurie Penny ## Highlights > Both in and out of the bedroom, we’re far less free than we’d like to think. We’re told that we live in an age of personal freedom and erotic abundance, but everywhere we look, an architecture of shame exists to strip individuals of their right to decide what happens to their bodies, to their lives, to our collective future. ([Location 64](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=64)) > The liberation of women, queers, femmes, and female-identified people is about more than negative liberty—it is about more than “freedom from.” It’s not just freedom from rape, freedom from abuse, freedom from fear. It is also “freedom to”—freedom to express desire, to explore pleasure, to seek intimacy and adventure. ([Location 86](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=86)) > Consent culture is neither sex-positive nor sex-negative, but sex-critical. Consent culture demands a discourse of sexuality that allows women more than the bare minimum of autonomy. ([Location 99](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=99)) > Consent culture wants sex to be better—for everyone. ([Location 101](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=101)) > In 2014, California governor Jerry Brown signed Senate Bill 967 into law,2 changing the definition of consent on college campuses that receive State funding. The “yes means yes” law, as it has come to be known, spells out that for consent to exist, it is no longer necessary for any party involved in sexual activity to say no if they do not wish to participate. Under this law, all parties must give explicit, ongoing consent. “Lack of protest or resistance does not mean consent, nor does silence mean consent,” reads the addition to the California Education Code under Section 67386.3 “Affirmative consent must be ongoing throughout a sexual activity and can be revoked at any time. The existence of a dating relationship between the persons involved, or the fact of past sexual relations between them, should never by itself be assumed to be an indicator of consent.” ([Location 286](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=286)) > In a legal model, even one that attempts to expand our understanding of consent like affirmative consent does, there is no space for people to reflect on what they’ve done and honor the evolution of their feelings about it or about their partner in a wider context. This is because the legal model of consent is one that primarily focuses on whether static rules are being broken, rather than one that centers on the individuals, who are by nature dynamic. ([Location 322](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=322)) > an ongoing physical and emotional process between people who are willing, equally free of coercion, communicating unambiguously, and sincere in their desires a mutual agreement to be fully present with one another throughout all interactions, to prioritize both yourself and your partners’ needs, and to understand that someone may choose to disengage from the experience at any time knowing and feeling—without a doubt—that the other person is excited to engage with you in whatever activities you agree upon, regardless of whether the experience is amazing or mediocre ([Location 433](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=433)) > FRIES, which was coined by Planned Parenthood. According to Planned Parenthood, consent consists of the following: Freely given. Doing something sexual with someone is a decision that should be made without pressure, force, or manipulation, or while drunk or high. Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they want to do, at any time. Even if they’ve done it before or are in the middle of having sex. Informed. Be honest. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, that’s not consent. Enthusiastic. If someone isn’t excited, or really into it, that’s not consent. Specific. Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean they’ve said yes to others (like oral sex). ([Location 476](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=476)) > You must be in control of, and able to revoke, your consent at all times for that consent to remain valid. ([Location 560](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=560)) > But she explained that by not asking, by not seeking consent, I was rendering her invisible in an act that was meant to be shared between us. ([Location 660](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=660)) > It is all about power. And the highest form of power is the power you can deploy to keep others safe. ([Location 683](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=683)) > Consent culture is not just about consent—it is about informed consent, and that means, perhaps, a level of openness that is not always what one would prefer or what is convenient. ([Location 996](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=996)) > the simplest answer is that paying for your porn is the most direct way to ensure key ethical production values. ([Location 1025](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1025)) > Without a credit card processor overlooking distribution, there’s no way to know for sure if basic labor rights took place. There is no 2257 affidavit to prove performers were of legal age, no STI test results, and no IRS W-9 forms, and there’s certainly no model release form to ensure the people on film consented to have their image shared online. Unless it features a major star, most pirated content doesn’t even include performers’ names, let alone custodian of records addresses. There’s a mountain of paperwork missing. Paperwork that, for better or worse, is designed to protect performers’ rights and safety. ([Location 1026](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1026)) > My motto in porn has been “Be the porn you want to see in the world.” But in this case, a better fit is “BUY the porn you want to see in the world.” Let’s enjoy sexuality, consensually. ([Location 1076](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1076)) > AND FINALLY, just don’t hit on us. What’s true in non-sexy jobs is true in sexy jobs: there’s a power dynamic at play. The customer holds all the power and the worker knows it. Even asking for consent takes on a heavier weight when the worker feels as though their income or audience might suffer if they reject such advances. ([Location 1244](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1244)) > the context of commitment. We say in our first book, More Than Two, that you cannot pre-consent to intimacy. This is true. Consent always exists in the moment, and it can always be withdrawn at any time. ([Location 1327](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1327)) > You can’t promise intimacy. People change. That doesn’t mean you can’t offer commitment, only that the commitments you make must be flexible, be freely entered into, and leave room for you to assert boundaries around access to yourself and treatment you will accept. ([Location 1352](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1352)) > The last mistake I want to talk about is neglecting to teach your child the importance of their intuition. Intuition is not exclusive to adulthood, and it can play a very important role in helping a child develop a healthy sense of bodily autonomy. At any age, we have feelings in our bellies or chests, for example, that are directly triggered by feelings of safety or lack thereof. Help children to name and acknowledge those feelings—and to trust them. ([Location 1450](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1450)) > In the case of fat women, the culture offers us an unacceptable ultimatum: become thin or disappear. If you do not consent to the terms, you are fair game. The idea that stigmatized groups are “asking for it” when we engage in behaviors deemed inappropriate for our status isn’t new. ([Location 1637](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1637)) ## New highlights added October 20, 2023 at 1:57 PM > Additionally, organizers can introduce communication techniques to allow people to quickly indicate a boundary. Some LARP communities use the safe words “brake” and “cut.” “Brake” indicates out of character that a scene is pushing a boundary and other players should back off. The word “cut” is used to indicate that something has gone wrong and the game needs to stop until the issue has been resolved. ([Location 1867](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1867)) > Players who trust that their boundaries will be respected are more willing to take a risk and play a more intense game. ([Location 1880](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1880)) --- Title: Ask Author: Kitty Stryker, Carol Queen, and Laurie Penny Tags: readwise, books date: 2024-01-30 --- # Ask  Author:: Kitty Stryker, Carol Queen, and Laurie Penny ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > Both in and out of the bedroom, we’re far less free than we’d like to think. We’re told that we live in an age of personal freedom and erotic abundance, but everywhere we look, an architecture of shame exists to strip individuals of their right to decide what happens to their bodies, to their lives, to our collective future. ([Location 64](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=64)) > The liberation of women, queers, femmes, and female-identified people is about more than negative liberty—it is about more than “freedom from.” It’s not just freedom from rape, freedom from abuse, freedom from fear. It is also “freedom to”—freedom to express desire, to explore pleasure, to seek intimacy and adventure. ([Location 86](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=86)) > Consent culture is neither sex-positive nor sex-negative, but sex-critical. Consent culture demands a discourse of sexuality that allows women more than the bare minimum of autonomy. ([Location 99](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=99)) > Consent culture wants sex to be better—for everyone. ([Location 101](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=101)) > In 2014, California governor Jerry Brown signed Senate Bill 967 into law,2 changing the definition of consent on college campuses that receive State funding. The “yes means yes” law, as it has come to be known, spells out that for consent to exist, it is no longer necessary for any party involved in sexual activity to say no if they do not wish to participate. Under this law, all parties must give explicit, ongoing consent. “Lack of protest or resistance does not mean consent, nor does silence mean consent,” reads the addition to the California Education Code under Section 67386.3 “Affirmative consent must be ongoing throughout a sexual activity and can be revoked at any time. The existence of a dating relationship between the persons involved, or the fact of past sexual relations between them, should never by itself be assumed to be an indicator of consent.” ([Location 286](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=286)) > In a legal model, even one that attempts to expand our understanding of consent like affirmative consent does, there is no space for people to reflect on what they’ve done and honor the evolution of their feelings about it or about their partner in a wider context. This is because the legal model of consent is one that primarily focuses on whether static rules are being broken, rather than one that centers on the individuals, who are by nature dynamic. ([Location 322](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=322)) > an ongoing physical and emotional process between people who are willing, equally free of coercion, communicating unambiguously, and sincere in their desires a mutual agreement to be fully present with one another throughout all interactions, to prioritize both yourself and your partners’ needs, and to understand that someone may choose to disengage from the experience at any time knowing and feeling—without a doubt—that the other person is excited to engage with you in whatever activities you agree upon, regardless of whether the experience is amazing or mediocre ([Location 433](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=433)) > FRIES, which was coined by Planned Parenthood. According to Planned Parenthood, consent consists of the following: Freely given. Doing something sexual with someone is a decision that should be made without pressure, force, or manipulation, or while drunk or high. Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they want to do, at any time. Even if they’ve done it before or are in the middle of having sex. Informed. Be honest. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, that’s not consent. Enthusiastic. If someone isn’t excited, or really into it, that’s not consent. Specific. Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean they’ve said yes to others (like oral sex). ([Location 476](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=476)) > You must be in control of, and able to revoke, your consent at all times for that consent to remain valid. ([Location 560](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=560)) > But she explained that by not asking, by not seeking consent, I was rendering her invisible in an act that was meant to be shared between us. ([Location 660](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=660)) > It is all about power. And the highest form of power is the power you can deploy to keep others safe. ([Location 683](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=683)) > Consent culture is not just about consent—it is about informed consent, and that means, perhaps, a level of openness that is not always what one would prefer or what is convenient. ([Location 996](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=996)) > the simplest answer is that paying for your porn is the most direct way to ensure key ethical production values. ([Location 1025](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1025)) > Without a credit card processor overlooking distribution, there’s no way to know for sure if basic labor rights took place. There is no 2257 affidavit to prove performers were of legal age, no STI test results, and no IRS W-9 forms, and there’s certainly no model release form to ensure the people on film consented to have their image shared online. Unless it features a major star, most pirated content doesn’t even include performers’ names, let alone custodian of records addresses. There’s a mountain of paperwork missing. Paperwork that, for better or worse, is designed to protect performers’ rights and safety. ([Location 1026](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1026)) > My motto in porn has been “Be the porn you want to see in the world.” But in this case, a better fit is “BUY the porn you want to see in the world.” Let’s enjoy sexuality, consensually. ([Location 1076](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1076)) > AND FINALLY, just don’t hit on us. What’s true in non-sexy jobs is true in sexy jobs: there’s a power dynamic at play. The customer holds all the power and the worker knows it. Even asking for consent takes on a heavier weight when the worker feels as though their income or audience might suffer if they reject such advances. ([Location 1244](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1244)) > the context of commitment. We say in our first book, More Than Two, that you cannot pre-consent to intimacy. This is true. Consent always exists in the moment, and it can always be withdrawn at any time. ([Location 1327](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1327)) > You can’t promise intimacy. People change. That doesn’t mean you can’t offer commitment, only that the commitments you make must be flexible, be freely entered into, and leave room for you to assert boundaries around access to yourself and treatment you will accept. ([Location 1352](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1352)) > The last mistake I want to talk about is neglecting to teach your child the importance of their intuition. Intuition is not exclusive to adulthood, and it can play a very important role in helping a child develop a healthy sense of bodily autonomy. At any age, we have feelings in our bellies or chests, for example, that are directly triggered by feelings of safety or lack thereof. Help children to name and acknowledge those feelings—and to trust them. ([Location 1450](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1450)) > In the case of fat women, the culture offers us an unacceptable ultimatum: become thin or disappear. If you do not consent to the terms, you are fair game. The idea that stigmatized groups are “asking for it” when we engage in behaviors deemed inappropriate for our status isn’t new. ([Location 1637](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1637)) > Additionally, organizers can introduce communication techniques to allow people to quickly indicate a boundary. Some LARP communities use the safe words “brake” and “cut.” “Brake” indicates out of character that a scene is pushing a boundary and other players should back off. The word “cut” is used to indicate that something has gone wrong and the game needs to stop until the issue has been resolved. ([Location 1867](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1867)) > Players who trust that their boundaries will be respected are more willing to take a risk and play a more intense game. ([Location 1880](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B075RH642S&location=1880))