# Ask Yourself  Author:: Kitty Stryker and Wagatwe Wanjuki ## Highlights > FRIES: Shorthand coined by Planned Parenthood when assessing consent. The FRIES model asks if the consent is: Freely given Reversible Informed Enthusiastic Specific ([Location 197](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=197)) > When I think of consent culture, I envision people taking the well-being of others into account before acting. This translates to seeking to understand the needs and boundaries of those around us prior to fulfilling our own desires. In this physical sense, it means asking someone who is sad but doesn’t love touch whether they want a hug or a different form of comfort. Or asking those around you how they feel before you engage in something that might impact them, such as smoking nearby, choosing not to wear a mask in an enclosed space, or trying a new sexual act with them. It would be more than that though—consent implies that we have all the information we need to make informed decisions. ([Location 416](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=416)) > Consent also requires that there be options. If someone chooses to do something because they feel they have no other choice, it’s coercion, not consent. ([Location 425](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=425)) > I often tell myself I “must” do this or I “have to” do that. Perhaps I could instead ask myself if I “want to” or I’m “willing to.” This subtle coercion turns up in interactions with others too. To my kid, I say “You have to get your shoes on.” At work, we tell ourselves and others that “We must make the deadline.” Out with friends, we say “You should keep this to yourselves.” Despite intentions, expressions like these reduce agency and choice. They hold assumptions about how much someone is willing or wanting to do something, and they demand or require a particular course of action. What is absent is curiosity, empathy, and an openness to hear “no.” Being able to say and hear “no” makes a “yes” way more yessy. Consent liberates us from expectations and assumptions. Consent culture requires intention, care, noticing, and communicating. Then the possibilities become endless. We can try things, with no expectation to continue them. We can change our minds and opinions, with no assumption that we are open to new ideas. We can choose to cooperate because we want to make things happen together. We can celebrate our extraordinary differences, beyond the limits and assumptions of labels. We can take responsibility to learn and grow where our needs take us, to find light alongside each other. ([Location 448](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=448)) > Compassion fatigue is real. Emotional burnout is real. It’s better to take a moment to care for yourself today and tomorrow and the day after than to help everyone else in the plane and then not do anything for anyone ever again. Allow yourself space to step away so you aren’t scared to step up again. ([Location 557](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=557)) > this. Defining the difference between a hard boundary (no, not under any circumstance) and a soft boundary (not right now, but maybe under the right conditions) can be complex even when we’re just defining it for ourselves. ([Location 578](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=578)) > Once I threw away the script, I realised the reality that love is abundant. Humans are wired for connection, and we seek and form all kinds of loving connections throughout our lives. Learning to love yourself enables you to recognise and ask for what you want and need, and to ask those that you love to communicate their wants and needs. By loving with openness, in full consent, we can figure out what works for us in any given situation. Connections can shift and change around us and the many people we love as we journey through our lives. ([Location 734](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=734)) > Limits are an interesting thing to think about. We are often encouraged to push our limits, like in exercise, to make ourselves slightly uncomfortable, to “go past our comfort zone.” It is seen as a positive thing, a successful thing, to define something as a limit, and then move past it. Physical therapy however has taught me that there is a difference between challenging yourself and causing yourself more injury. ([Location 778](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=778)) ## New highlights added October 22, 2023 at 6:37 PM > There are a lot of things I like to receive in my close relationships, including cuddles, platonic showers together, or nap dates. There’s something especially wonderful about sharing nonsexual touch time. It’s soothing. It’s building intimacy unrelated to sex. ([Location 883](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=883)) > Consent education sometimes glosses over the very real and valid emotions that can accompany rejection with the spirit of “suck it up, buttercup.” In the past, I’ve internalized this message as, “feeling emotions in response to rejection is wrong.” Nothing could be further from the truth, however. We can’t necessarily control the emotions that creep up inside us. What is ours to control is our behavior in response to them. ([Location 933](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=933)) > One of my favorite sayings is “if you can’t say no, your yes doesn’t mean anything.” I have learned over the years to think of the word “no” as a positive indication of trust. The person telling me that knows I am a safe person to advocate for themselves to. They aren’t so afraid of the consequences of saying “no” to me. This also lets me trust their “yes” as honest. ([Location 968](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=968)) > I looked him in the eyes and asked him, “what would you do if I kissed you right now?” He smiled and said, “I’d kiss you back.” I giggled and said, “OK, let’s do that,” and then I kissed him. It was the most perfect first kiss of my life. ([Location 1023](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=1023)) > I began to teach folks how I negotiate sexy play with someone, offering “what would you do if” open-ended questions as part of my banter and whispering in someone’s ear, “I would like to _____. What do you think about that?” ([Location 1040](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=1040)) > The desire to help can be genuinely kind, but it can also quickly turn into a burnout-causing form of codependency. ([Location 1078](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=1078)) > What Do You Do When Society Is Coercive? ([Location 1211](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=1211)) > Consent culture helped me to be soft and admit that I do not know how to properly guard myself against my own maladaptive fawning responses in an inherently violent society. ([Location 1254](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=1254)) --- Title: Ask Yourself Author: Kitty Stryker and Wagatwe Wanjuki Tags: readwise, books date: 2024-01-30 --- # Ask Yourself  Author:: Kitty Stryker and Wagatwe Wanjuki ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > FRIES: Shorthand coined by Planned Parenthood when assessing consent. The FRIES model asks if the consent is: Freely given Reversible Informed Enthusiastic Specific ([Location 197](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=197)) > When I think of consent culture, I envision people taking the well-being of others into account before acting. This translates to seeking to understand the needs and boundaries of those around us prior to fulfilling our own desires. In this physical sense, it means asking someone who is sad but doesn’t love touch whether they want a hug or a different form of comfort. Or asking those around you how they feel before you engage in something that might impact them, such as smoking nearby, choosing not to wear a mask in an enclosed space, or trying a new sexual act with them. It would be more than that though—consent implies that we have all the information we need to make informed decisions. ([Location 416](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=416)) > Consent also requires that there be options. If someone chooses to do something because they feel they have no other choice, it’s coercion, not consent. ([Location 425](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=425)) > I often tell myself I “must” do this or I “have to” do that. Perhaps I could instead ask myself if I “want to” or I’m “willing to.” This subtle coercion turns up in interactions with others too. To my kid, I say “You have to get your shoes on.” At work, we tell ourselves and others that “We must make the deadline.” Out with friends, we say “You should keep this to yourselves.” Despite intentions, expressions like these reduce agency and choice. They hold assumptions about how much someone is willing or wanting to do something, and they demand or require a particular course of action. What is absent is curiosity, empathy, and an openness to hear “no.” Being able to say and hear “no” makes a “yes” way more yessy. Consent liberates us from expectations and assumptions. Consent culture requires intention, care, noticing, and communicating. Then the possibilities become endless. We can try things, with no expectation to continue them. We can change our minds and opinions, with no assumption that we are open to new ideas. We can choose to cooperate because we want to make things happen together. We can celebrate our extraordinary differences, beyond the limits and assumptions of labels. We can take responsibility to learn and grow where our needs take us, to find light alongside each other. ([Location 448](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=448)) > Compassion fatigue is real. Emotional burnout is real. It’s better to take a moment to care for yourself today and tomorrow and the day after than to help everyone else in the plane and then not do anything for anyone ever again. Allow yourself space to step away so you aren’t scared to step up again. ([Location 557](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=557)) > this. Defining the difference between a hard boundary (no, not under any circumstance) and a soft boundary (not right now, but maybe under the right conditions) can be complex even when we’re just defining it for ourselves. ([Location 578](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=578)) > Once I threw away the script, I realised the reality that love is abundant. Humans are wired for connection, and we seek and form all kinds of loving connections throughout our lives. Learning to love yourself enables you to recognise and ask for what you want and need, and to ask those that you love to communicate their wants and needs. By loving with openness, in full consent, we can figure out what works for us in any given situation. Connections can shift and change around us and the many people we love as we journey through our lives. ([Location 734](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=734)) > Limits are an interesting thing to think about. We are often encouraged to push our limits, like in exercise, to make ourselves slightly uncomfortable, to “go past our comfort zone.” It is seen as a positive thing, a successful thing, to define something as a limit, and then move past it. Physical therapy however has taught me that there is a difference between challenging yourself and causing yourself more injury. ([Location 778](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=778)) > There are a lot of things I like to receive in my close relationships, including cuddles, platonic showers together, or nap dates. There’s something especially wonderful about sharing nonsexual touch time. It’s soothing. It’s building intimacy unrelated to sex. ([Location 883](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=883)) > Consent education sometimes glosses over the very real and valid emotions that can accompany rejection with the spirit of “suck it up, buttercup.” In the past, I’ve internalized this message as, “feeling emotions in response to rejection is wrong.” Nothing could be further from the truth, however. We can’t necessarily control the emotions that creep up inside us. What is ours to control is our behavior in response to them. ([Location 933](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=933)) > One of my favorite sayings is “if you can’t say no, your yes doesn’t mean anything.” I have learned over the years to think of the word “no” as a positive indication of trust. The person telling me that knows I am a safe person to advocate for themselves to. They aren’t so afraid of the consequences of saying “no” to me. This also lets me trust their “yes” as honest. ([Location 968](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=968)) > I looked him in the eyes and asked him, “what would you do if I kissed you right now?” He smiled and said, “I’d kiss you back.” I giggled and said, “OK, let’s do that,” and then I kissed him. It was the most perfect first kiss of my life. ([Location 1023](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=1023)) > I began to teach folks how I negotiate sexy play with someone, offering “what would you do if” open-ended questions as part of my banter and whispering in someone’s ear, “I would like to _____. What do you think about that?” ([Location 1040](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=1040)) > The desire to help can be genuinely kind, but it can also quickly turn into a burnout-causing form of codependency. ([Location 1078](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=1078)) > What Do You Do When Society Is Coercive? ([Location 1211](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=1211)) > Consent culture helped me to be soft and admit that I do not know how to properly guard myself against my own maladaptive fawning responses in an inherently violent society. ([Location 1254](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BLXGNGP2&location=1254))