# Attached  Author:: Amir Levine, Rachel Heller  ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > Adult attachment designates three main “attachment styles,” or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, which parallel those found in children: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant. Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. ([Location 163](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=163)) > we live in a culture that seems to scorn basic needs for intimacy, closeness, and especially dependency, while exalting independence. ([Location 323](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=323)) > Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities. The emphasis on differentiation that is held by most of today’s popular psychology approaches to adult relationships does not hold water from a biological perspective. Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference. ([Location 381](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=381)) > The study demonstrates that when two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being. Their physical proximity and availability influence the stress response. How can we be expected to maintain a high level of differentiation between ourselves and our partners if our basic biology is influenced by them to such an extent? ([Location 394](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=394)) > Once we choose a partner, there is no question about whether dependency exists or not. It always does. An elegant coexistence that does not include uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and fear of loss sounds good but is not our biology. ([Location 403](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=403)) > It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on—this is the “dependency paradox.” ([Location 414](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=414)) > If we had to describe the basic premise of adult attachment in one sentence, it would be: If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person. Once you understand this, you’ve grasped the essence of attachment theory. ([Location 416](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=416)) > Anxious: You love to be very close to your romantic partners and have the capacity for great intimacy. You often fear, however, that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like them to be. Relationships tend to consume a large part of your emotional energy. You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s moods and actions, and although your senses are often accurate, you take your partner’s behaviors too personally. You experience a lot of negative emotions within the relationship and get easily upset. As a result, you tend to act out and say things you later regret. If the other person provides a lot of security and reassurance, however, you are able to shed much of your preoccupation and feel contented. Secure: Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in stride when it comes to romance and don’t get easily upset over relationship matters. You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are strong at reading your partner’s emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for them in times of need. Avoidant: It is very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships. Even though you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm’s length. You don’t spend much time worrying about your romantic relationships or about being rejected. You tend not to open up to your partners and they often complain that you are emotionally distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for any signs of control or impingement on your territory by your partner. ([Location 610](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=610)) ### 4. Step Two: Cracking the Code—What Is My Partner’s Style?  ## New highlights added December 13, 2024 at 5:39 PM ### 5. Living with a Sixth Sense for Danger: The Anxious Attachment Style > These findings suggest that people with an anxious attachment style are indeed more vigilant to changes in others’ emotional expression and can have a higher degree of accuracy and sensitivity to other people’s cues. However, this finding comes with a caveat. The study showed that people with an anxious attachment style tend to jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people’s emotional state. Only when the experiment was designed in such a way that anxious participants had to wait a little longer—they couldn’t react immediately when they spotted a change, but had to wait a little longer—and get more information before making a judgment did they have an advantage over other participants. This is an important lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style: If you just wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will have an uncanny ability to decipher the world around you and use it to your advantage. But shoot from the hip, and you’re all over the place making misjudgments and hurting yourself. ([Location 1078](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1078)) > Activating strategies are any thoughts or feelings that compel you to get close, physically or emotionally, to your partner. Once they respond to you in a way that reestablishes security, you can revert back to your calm, normal self. ([Location 1087](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1087)) > Protest behavior is any action that tries to reestablish contact with your partner and get their attention. There are many ways that protest behavior can manifest itself, anything that can jolt the other person into noticing you and responding to you. ([Location 1170](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1170))  ## New highlights added December 14, 2024 at 8:39 PM > avoidant individuals actually prefer anxiously attached people. ([Location 1208](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1208)) > Another study, by Jeffry Simpson of the University of Minnesota, showed that anxious women are more likely to date avoidant men. ([Location 1209](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1209)) > Pietromonaco and Carnelley believe that these attachment styles actually complement each other in a way. Each reaffirms the other’s beliefs about themselves and about relationships. The avoidants’ defensive self-perception that they are strong and independent is confirmed, as is the belief that others want to pull them into more closeness than they are comfortable with. The anxious types find that their perception of wanting more intimacy than their partner can provide is confirmed, as is their anticipation of ultimately being let down by significant others. So, in a way, each style is drawn to reenact a familiar script over and over again. ([Location 1211](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1211)) > When you meet someone new, the probability that they have an avoidant attachment style is high—much higher than their relative size in the population—25 percent. ([Location 1260](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1260)) > The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love. Don’t let emotional unavailability turn you on. ([Location 1284](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1284)) > Acknowledge and accept your true relationship needs. ([Location 1316](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1316)) > Recognize and rule out avoidant prospects early on. ([Location 1326](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1326)) > A new way of dating: Be your authentic self and use effective communication. ([Location 1347](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1347)) > The abundance philosophy. ([Location 1375](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1375)) > The only way to make sure that you meet potential soul mates is to go out with a lot of people. ([Location 1382](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1382)) > Give secure people a chance. ([Location 1418](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1418)) ### 6. Keeping Love at Arm’s Length: The Avoidant Attachment Style > If you’re avoidant, you connect with romantic partners but always maintain some mental distance and an escape route. Feeling close and complete with someone else—the emotional equivalent of finding a home—is a condition that you find difficult to maintain. ([Location 1524](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1524)) > A deactivating strategy is any behavior or thought that is used to squelch intimacy. These strategies suppress our attachment system, the biological mechanism in our brains responsible for our desire to seek closeness with a preferred partner. ([Location 1529](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1529)) > Only after they broke up, and she no longer felt threatened by the high level of intimacy, did her defense strategies lift. She was then able to get in touch with the underlying feelings of attachment that were there all along and to accurately assess Bob’s pluses. ([Location 1589](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1589)) > You’re not strong at translating the many verbal and nonverbal signals you receive during everyday interactions into a coherent understanding of your lover’s mental state. ([Location 1595](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1595)) > Avoidant individuals were found to be less accurate than anxious individuals at perceiving their partners’ thoughts and feelings during the experiment. It was common for avoidants to interpret their partner’s reaction as indifferent if they rated someone as highly attractive, when, in fact, their partner had been quite upset by it. ([Location 1605](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1605)) > Learn to identify deactivating strategies. ([Location 1669](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1669)) > De-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support. ([Location 1674](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1674)) > Find a secure partner. ([Location 1677](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1677)) > Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviors. ([Location 1680](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1680)) > Make a relationship gratitude list. ([Location 1684](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1684)) > Nix the phantom ex. ([Location 1689](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1689)) > Forget about “the one.” ([Location 1691](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1691)) > Adopt the distraction strategy. ([Location 1695](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1695)) ### 7. Getting Comfortably Close: The Secure Attachment Style > Time and again, research shows that the best predictor of happiness in a relationship is a secure attachment style. ([Location 1712](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1712)) > It means that if you’re with someone secure, they nurture you into a more secure stance. ([Location 1725](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1725)) > You too can provide a secure base by adopting the following secure behaviors: Be available: Respond sensitively to their distress, allow them to be dependent on you when they feel the need, check in with them from time to time, and provide comfort when things go wrong. Don’t interfere: Provide behind-the-scenes support for their endeavors. Help in a way that leaves them with the initiative and the feeling of power. Allow them to do their own thing without trying to take over the situation, micromanage, or undermine their confidence and abilities. Encourage: Provide encouragement and be accepting of their learning and personal growth goals. Boost their self-esteem. ([Location 1827](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1827)) > As a secure, the opposite is true of you—you believe that there are many potential partners open to intimacy and closeness who would be responsive to your needs. You know you deserve to be loved and valued at all times. You are programmed to expect that. If someone sends out vibes that are not in line with these expectations—if they’re inconsistent or evasive—you automatically lose interest. ([Location 1840](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1840)) > Secure adults naturally know how to soothe their partners and take care of them—it’s an innate talent. ([Location 1880](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1880)) > people with a secure attachment style view their partners’ well-being as their responsibility. As long as they have reason to believe their partner is in some sort of trouble, they’ll continue to back them. ([Location 1900](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1900)) > The good news is that people with a secure attachment style have healthy instincts and usually catch on very early that someone is not cut out to be their partner. The bad news is that when secure people do, on occasion, enter into a negative relationship, they might not know when to call it quits—especially if it’s a long-term, committed relationship in which they feel responsible for their partner’s happiness. ([Location 1907](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=1907)) ### 8. The Anxious-Avoidant Trap ### 9 Escaping the Anxious-Avoidant Trap: How the Anxious-Avoidant Couple Can Find Greater Security ### 10. When Abnormal Becomes the Norm: An Attachment Guide to Breaking Up > Avoidants often use sex to distance themselves from their partner. ([Location 2551](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=2551)) ### 11. Effective Communication: Getting the Message Across > Effective communication is the quickest, most direct way to determine whether your prospective partner will be able to meet your needs. Your date’s response to effective communication can reveal more in five minutes than you could learn in months of dating without this kind of discourse. ([Location 2753](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=2753)) > If you are anxious—turn to effective communication when you feel you are starting to resort to protest behavior. ([Location 2881](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=2881)) > If you are avoidant—the surefire sign that you need to use effective communication is when you feel an irrepressible need to bolt. Use effective communication to explain to your partner that you need some space and that you’d like to find a way of doing so that is acceptable to them. Suggest a few alternatives, making sure that the other person’s needs are taken care of. By doing so, you’re more likely to get the breathing space you need. ([Location 2886](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=2886)) #### THE FIVE PRINCIPLES OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION > Wear your heart on your sleeve. Effective communication requires being genuine and completely honest about your feelings. Be emotionally brave! ([Location 2902](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=2902)) > Focus on your needs. The idea is to get your needs across. When expressing your needs, we are always referring to needs that take your partner’s well-being into consideration as well. ([Location 2904](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=2904)) > When expressing your needs, it’s helpful to use verbs such as need, feel, and want, which focus on what you are trying to accomplish and not on your partner’s shortcomings: ([Location 2906](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=2906)) > Be specific. ([Location 2911](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=2911)) > Don’t blame. Never make your partner feel selfish, incompetent, or inadequate. ([Location 2915](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=2915)) > Be assertive and nonapologetic. Your relationship needs are valid—period. Though people with different attachment styles may not see your concerns as legitimate, they’re essential for your happiness, and expressing them authentically is crucial to effective communication. ([Location 2919](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=2919)) #### COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY 101 > Why do I feel uneasy or insecure (activated or deactivated) in this relationship? What specific actions by my partner make me feel this way? ([Location 2951](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=2951)) > What specific action/s by my partner would make me feel more secure and loved? ([Location 2954](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=2954)) > Which of the above actions do I feel most comfortable bringing up and discussing? ([Location 2957](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=2957)) ### 12. Working Things Out: Five Secure Principles for Dealing with Conflict  ## New highlights added December 15, 2024 at 6:40 AM > Five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being. Maintain focus on the problem at hand. Refrain from generalizing the conflict. Be willing to engage. Effectively communicate feelings and needs. ([Location 3025](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=3025))  ## New highlights added December 15, 2024 at 7:40 AM ### Epilogue > people have very different capacities for intimacy. And when one person’s need for closeness is met with another person’s need for independence and distance, a lot of unhappiness ensues. By being cognizant of this fact, both of you can navigate your way better in the dating world to find someone with intimacy needs similar to your own (if you are unattached) or reach an entirely new understanding about your differing needs in an existing relationship—a first and necessary step toward steering it in a more secure direction. ([Location 3328](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=3328))  ## New highlights added December 16, 2024 at 10:35 AM > The third hard-to-shed misconception we fell for is that we alone are responsible for our emotional needs; they are not our partner’s responsibility. ([Location 3341](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=3341)) > In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being. ([Location 3348](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0049H9AVU&location=3348))