# Brave, Not Perfect  Author:: Reshma Saujani ## Highlights > boys are taught to be brave, while girls are taught to be perfect. ([Location 112](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=112)) > Rewarded for perfection from the time we’re young, we grow up to be women who are terrified to fail. We don’t take risks in our personal and professional lives because we fear that we’ll be judged, embarrassed, discredited, ostracized, or fired if we get it wrong. We hold ourselves back, consciously or unconsciously, from trying anything that we’re not certain we’ll ace to avoid the potential pain and humiliation. We won’t take on any role or endeavor unless we are certain we can meet or exceed expectations. ([Location 112](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=112)) ### 1 Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice > Well-meaning parents and educators guide girls toward activities and endeavors they are good at so they can shine, and steer them away from ones they might find frustrating, or worse, at which they could fail. It’s understandable because we see girls as vulnerable and fragile, we instinctively want to protect them from harm and judgment. ([Location 242](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=242)) ## New highlights added September 14, 2023 at 9:05 AM > The result of all this toxic people pleasing is that your whole life can quickly become about what others think, and very little about what you genuinely want, need, and believe—let alone what you deserve. ([Location 334](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=334)) > At the same time we’re applauding our girls for being nice, polite, and perfect, we are also telling them in not-so-subtle ways that bravery is the domain of boys. ([Location 357](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=357)) > The bigger problem, however, is how adults respond. To spare the girls’ fragile feelings, we naturally temper anything that sounds too critical. More protection, more soft-pedaling, more steering girls to what’s “safe,” more feeding the self-fulfilling prophecy of girls as vulnerable. But if they are constantly shielded from any sharp edges, how can they be expected to build any resilience to avoid falling apart later in life if (more like when) they run up against real criticism or setbacks? ([Location 381](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=381)) > Dweck identified two different belief systems about ability and intelligence. The first is a fixed mindset. A person with a fixed mindset believes that their abilities are innate and unchangeable. ([Location 459](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=459)) > Not surprisingly, girls are more prone to a fixed mindset than boys. This is partially because, as Dr. Dweck’s research showed, parents and teachers tend to give boys more “process praise,” meaning they reward them for putting in effort, trying different strategies, sticking with it, and improving, rather than for the outcome. In the absence of this kind of process praise, girls come to believe that if they can’t get something right away, they’re dumb. ([Location 477](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=477)) > A related study showed that grown women who self-identify as “princesses” are less interested in working, give up more easily on challenges, and place higher value on superficial qualities like appearance. ([Location 596](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=596)) > Perhaps as a way to preserve a sense of their true self, they literally separate themselves into two identities: their polished, carefully cultivated online persona, and the real them. ([Location 668](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=668)) > Myth #1: Polished Equals Perfect ([Location 811](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=811)) > For many of us, our appearance is our armor. ([Location 826](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=826)) > Myth #2: Once Everything Is Perfect, I’ll Be Happy ([Location 883](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=883)) > Myth #3: If I’m Not Perfect, Everything Will Fall Apart ([Location 937](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=937)) > Myth #4: Perfection Is the Same as Excellence ([Location 988](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=988)) > Myth #5: Failure Is Not an Option ([Location 1023](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1023)) > Myth #6: I Need to Be Perfect to Get Ahead ([Location 1049](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1049)) > Bravery, on the other hand, is a pursuit that adds to your life everything perfection once threatened to take away: authentic joy; a sense of genuine accomplishment; ownership of your fears and the grit to face them down; an openness to new adventures and possibilities; acceptance of all the mistakes, gaffes, flubs, and flaws that make you interesting, and that make your life uniquely yours. ([Location 1122](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1122)) ## New highlights added September 19, 2023 at 1:35 AM > Most of all, bravery sets us free. It gives us the power to claim our voice, and to leave behind what makes us unhappy and go for what sparks in our souls. It allows us to see that our gloriously messy, flawed, real selves are in fact the true definition of perfection. ([Location 1358](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1358)) > the first and most essential key to cultivating a bravery mindset is to put your wellness first. Here are the basics: Prioritize your health. ([Location 1449](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1449)) > Take that “me time.” A 2012 national study done by the Family and Work Institute proved what we all intellectually know to be true: the women who make it a regular habit to set aside time for themselves are much more satisfied with their lives than those who put it off. ([Location 1458](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1458)) > Get some sleep—seriously. ([Location 1462](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1462)) > Learn to meditate. ([Location 1468](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1468)) > Schedule in gym time. ([Location 1471](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1471)) > Strategy: Claim the Power of “Yet” ([Location 1476](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1476)) > Strategy: Do the “Drama vs. Wisdom” Test ([Location 1494](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1494)) > Strategy: Look for Your Ledge ([Location 1511](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1511)) > What’s the one thing you’re most afraid of doing? The thing that if you could do it, you know it would make a major difference for you in your life? ([Location 1511](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1511)) > Strategy: Ask Yourself: What Scares Me More? ([Location 1524](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1524)) > Strategy: Take Your Own Advice ([Location 1553](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1553)) > “On average, we make better decisions for others than we do for ourselves,” he explains. “All we need for ourselves is one or two reasons not to do it and we can give up. But if we’re giving someone else advice, we can take a big step back and discuss the fundamental reasons why they should or shouldn’t do it.” ([Location 1556](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1556)) > Strategy: Set Daily Bravery Challenges ([Location 1566](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1566)) > Strategy: Ask for Feedback ([Location 1596](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1596)) > The antidote to this is not to avoid criticism, but to actually invite it. Yes, you read that right: I want you to actively ask for cold, hard, unadulterated feedback. And not when you know you’ve aced something, but when you know you’ve got plenty of room for improvement. ([Location 1599](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1599)) > Strategy: Surround Yourself with Rejection ([Location 1630](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1630)) > One way we build back our resilience and take the sting out of rejection and failure is by normalizing it. ([Location 1634](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1634)) > Strategy: Get Your Fear Signals Straight ([Location 1646](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1646)) > Strategy: Start Before You’re Ready ([Location 1668](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1668)) > Strategy: Choose Failure ([Location 1702](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1702)) > Strategy: Take on a Physical Challenge ([Location 1750](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1750)) > Strategy: Use Your Hands ([Location 1785](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1785)) > Strategy: Make the Ask ([Location 1939](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1939)) --- Title: Brave, Not Perfect Author: Reshma Saujani Tags: readwise, books date: 2024-01-30 --- # Brave, Not Perfect  Author:: Reshma Saujani ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > boys are taught to be brave, while girls are taught to be perfect. ([Location 112](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=112)) > Rewarded for perfection from the time we’re young, we grow up to be women who are terrified to fail. We don’t take risks in our personal and professional lives because we fear that we’ll be judged, embarrassed, discredited, ostracized, or fired if we get it wrong. We hold ourselves back, consciously or unconsciously, from trying anything that we’re not certain we’ll ace to avoid the potential pain and humiliation. We won’t take on any role or endeavor unless we are certain we can meet or exceed expectations. ([Location 112](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=112)) ### 1 Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice > Well-meaning parents and educators guide girls toward activities and endeavors they are good at so they can shine, and steer them away from ones they might find frustrating, or worse, at which they could fail. It’s understandable because we see girls as vulnerable and fragile, we instinctively want to protect them from harm and judgment. ([Location 242](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=242)) > The result of all this toxic people pleasing is that your whole life can quickly become about what others think, and very little about what you genuinely want, need, and believe—let alone what you deserve. ([Location 334](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=334)) > At the same time we’re applauding our girls for being nice, polite, and perfect, we are also telling them in not-so-subtle ways that bravery is the domain of boys. ([Location 357](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=357)) > The bigger problem, however, is how adults respond. To spare the girls’ fragile feelings, we naturally temper anything that sounds too critical. More protection, more soft-pedaling, more steering girls to what’s “safe,” more feeding the self-fulfilling prophecy of girls as vulnerable. But if they are constantly shielded from any sharp edges, how can they be expected to build any resilience to avoid falling apart later in life if (more like when) they run up against real criticism or setbacks? ([Location 381](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=381)) > Dweck identified two different belief systems about ability and intelligence. The first is a fixed mindset. A person with a fixed mindset believes that their abilities are innate and unchangeable. ([Location 459](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=459)) > Not surprisingly, girls are more prone to a fixed mindset than boys. This is partially because, as Dr. Dweck’s research showed, parents and teachers tend to give boys more “process praise,” meaning they reward them for putting in effort, trying different strategies, sticking with it, and improving, rather than for the outcome. In the absence of this kind of process praise, girls come to believe that if they can’t get something right away, they’re dumb. ([Location 477](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=477)) > A related study showed that grown women who self-identify as “princesses” are less interested in working, give up more easily on challenges, and place higher value on superficial qualities like appearance. ([Location 596](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=596)) > Perhaps as a way to preserve a sense of their true self, they literally separate themselves into two identities: their polished, carefully cultivated online persona, and the real them. ([Location 668](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=668)) > Myth #1: Polished Equals Perfect ([Location 811](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=811)) > For many of us, our appearance is our armor. ([Location 826](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=826)) > Myth #2: Once Everything Is Perfect, I’ll Be Happy ([Location 883](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=883)) > Myth #3: If I’m Not Perfect, Everything Will Fall Apart ([Location 937](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=937)) > Myth #4: Perfection Is the Same as Excellence ([Location 988](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=988)) > Myth #5: Failure Is Not an Option ([Location 1023](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1023)) > Myth #6: I Need to Be Perfect to Get Ahead ([Location 1049](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1049)) > Bravery, on the other hand, is a pursuit that adds to your life everything perfection once threatened to take away: authentic joy; a sense of genuine accomplishment; ownership of your fears and the grit to face them down; an openness to new adventures and possibilities; acceptance of all the mistakes, gaffes, flubs, and flaws that make you interesting, and that make your life uniquely yours. ([Location 1122](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1122)) > Most of all, bravery sets us free. It gives us the power to claim our voice, and to leave behind what makes us unhappy and go for what sparks in our souls. It allows us to see that our gloriously messy, flawed, real selves are in fact the true definition of perfection. ([Location 1358](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1358)) > the first and most essential key to cultivating a bravery mindset is to put your wellness first. Here are the basics: Prioritize your health. ([Location 1449](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1449)) > Take that “me time.” A 2012 national study done by the Family and Work Institute proved what we all intellectually know to be true: the women who make it a regular habit to set aside time for themselves are much more satisfied with their lives than those who put it off. ([Location 1458](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1458)) > Get some sleep—seriously. ([Location 1462](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1462)) > Learn to meditate. ([Location 1468](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1468)) > Schedule in gym time. ([Location 1471](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1471)) > Strategy: Claim the Power of “Yet” ([Location 1476](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1476)) > Strategy: Do the “Drama vs. Wisdom” Test ([Location 1494](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1494)) > Strategy: Look for Your Ledge ([Location 1511](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1511)) > What’s the one thing you’re most afraid of doing? The thing that if you could do it, you know it would make a major difference for you in your life? ([Location 1511](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1511)) > Strategy: Ask Yourself: What Scares Me More? ([Location 1524](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1524)) > Strategy: Take Your Own Advice ([Location 1553](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1553)) > “On average, we make better decisions for others than we do for ourselves,” he explains. “All we need for ourselves is one or two reasons not to do it and we can give up. But if we’re giving someone else advice, we can take a big step back and discuss the fundamental reasons why they should or shouldn’t do it.” ([Location 1556](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1556)) > Strategy: Set Daily Bravery Challenges ([Location 1566](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1566)) > Strategy: Ask for Feedback ([Location 1596](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1596)) > The antidote to this is not to avoid criticism, but to actually invite it. Yes, you read that right: I want you to actively ask for cold, hard, unadulterated feedback. And not when you know you’ve aced something, but when you know you’ve got plenty of room for improvement. ([Location 1599](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1599)) > Strategy: Surround Yourself with Rejection ([Location 1630](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1630)) > One way we build back our resilience and take the sting out of rejection and failure is by normalizing it. ([Location 1634](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1634)) > Strategy: Get Your Fear Signals Straight ([Location 1646](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1646)) > Strategy: Start Before You’re Ready ([Location 1668](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1668)) > Strategy: Choose Failure ([Location 1702](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1702)) > Strategy: Take on a Physical Challenge ([Location 1750](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1750)) > Strategy: Use Your Hands ([Location 1785](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1785)) > Strategy: Make the Ask ([Location 1939](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWF4W9D&location=1939))