# Come Together  Author:: Emily Nagoski Ph.D. ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > If there’s a “sexual behavior” that predicts sex and relationship satisfaction, it’s cuddling after sex.[2] Wildly original sex might be enjoyable for you (or it might not), but it is not what makes for a satisfying long-term sex life for most people. ([Location 83](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=83)) > People think the key to satisfying long-term sex is monogamy or nonmonogamy; watching porn or not watching porn; being kinky or vanilla.[3] It’s not. Those are all just different ways people engage sexually and emotionally with the world, and whether they work for you or not is a matter of personal experience. People can have great (or terrible) sex lives either way. ([Location 85](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=85)) > The three characteristics of partnerships that sustain a strong sexual connection are: They are friends—or, to put it more precisely, they trust and admire each other. They prioritize sex—that is, they decide that it matters for their relationship. Instead of accepting other people’s opinions about how they’re supposed to do sex in their partnership, they prioritize what’s genuinely true for them and what works in their unique relationship. And what do they do, these friends who prioritize sex and prioritize each other over any prefabricated notions of what sex is supposed to be? They co-create a context that makes it easier to access pleasure. That’s it. ([Location 98](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=98)) ### PART 1 Pleasure Is the Measure #### Chapter 1 IS SEX IMPORTANT? > What if we shelve the entire concept of desire and, in its place, prioritize pleasure and how we create it in our lives? If you enjoy the sex you’re having, you’re doing great, regardless of how much you crave sex (or don’t) and regardless of how often you have it (or don’t). ([Location 208](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=208)) > In my informal surveys, the answers to the question “What do you want when you want sex with a partner?” usually came down to what I’ve started to call The Big Four: Connection, Shared Pleasure, Being Wanted, and Freedom. ([Location 250](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=250)) ## New highlights added February 13, 2024 at 1:34 PM > Some really good questions to ask yourself are: What activates the accelerator? These are the things that increase arousal, pleasure, and interest in sex. What hits the brakes? These are things that decrease arousal, pleasure, and interest in sex. How can you create a context that activates the accelerator more and, even better, hits the brakes less? ([Location 407](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=407)) #### Chapter 2 CENTER PLEASURE ## New highlights added February 14, 2024 at 3:35 AM > The desire imperative says: At the start of a sexual and/or romantic relationship, we should feel a “spark,” a spontaneous, giddy craving for sexual intimacy with our (potential) partner that might even feel obsessive. The sparky desire we’re supposed to feel at the beginning of a relationship is the correct, best, healthy, normal kind of desire, and if we don’t have it, then we don’t have anything worth having. If we have to put any preparation or planning into our sex lives, then we don’t want it “enough.” If our partner doesn’t just spontaneously want us, out of the blue, without effort or preparation, on a regular basis, they don’t want us “enough.” ([Location 484](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=484)) > Desire is not what matters. Not “passion,” not “keeping the spark alive.” Pleasure is what matters. ([Location 496](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=496)) > Center pleasure, because great sex over the long term is not about how much you want sex, it’s about how much you like the sex you’re having. ([Location 497](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=497)) > Spontaneous Desire vs. Responsive Desire ([Location 520](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=520)) > Where spontaneous desire emerges in anticipation of pleasure, responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure. ([Location 527](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=527)) > Pleasure Is Sensation in Context Pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being—that is, whether or not you like the sex you are having. Pleasure is the measure. ([Location 532](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=532)) > These lies show up in movies and romance novels and porn, where the main characters may be running away from the villain or even just exhausted and overwhelmed by life, but Partner A touches the magic spot on Partner B’s body and it doesn’t matter what else is going on, Partner B’s knees melt and their genitals tingle. If that’s how pleasure works for you, cool. For the rest of us, pleasure isn’t about the right place on your body touched in the right way. It’s the right place, the right way, by the right person, at the right time, in the right external circumstances, and the right internal state. In short: It’s sensation in the right context. ([Location 542](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=542)) > Pain happens when our brains interpret a signal from our bodies as a sign of danger, and our brains are more likely to interpret something as a sign of danger when there are already a lot of other signals about danger in our brains. ([Location 559](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=559)) > Pleasure happens when we feel safe enough. Trusting enough, healthy enough, welcome enough, at low-enough risk. Everyone’s threshold for “enough” is different, and it changes from situation to situation. But when we create that safe-enough context, our brains have the capacity to interpret any sensation as pleasurable. ([Location 564](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=564)) > Pleasure and desire are different systems in the brain. At the level of the emotional, mammalian brain, desire is known as “wanting” or “incentive salience,” and pleasure is discussed as “liking” or hedonic impact. ([Location 571](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=571)) ## New highlights added February 15, 2024 at 9:35 PM > To make it a little easier, I suggest you try to replace the idea of sexual desire with the idea of sexual interest. To me, sexual interest is sexual curiosity. ([Location 790](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=790)) > I’ve started thinking of the shared project of creating a great context for sex as a “third thing,” something both partners are interested in and want to spend time on. I get this term from poet Donald Hall, who wrote of his twenty-three-year marriage to poet Jane Kenyon in an essay titled “The Third Thing”: We did not spend our days gazing into each other’s eyes. We did that gazing when we made love or when one of us was in trouble, but most of the time our gazes met and entwined as they looked at a third thing. Third things are essential to marriages, objects or practices or habits or arts or institutions or games or human beings that provide a site of joint rapture or contentment.[6] A third thing is a shared interest, like your favorite TV show or your love of sushi or the sports team to which you’re loyal or the parties you throw together. ([Location 796](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=796)) > Then there are the couples who center pleasure by co-creating a context that makes pleasure easy. In terms of the party metaphor, they don’t just show up, they love to entertain. ([Location 817](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=817)) > when you center pleasure, you plan ahead, adjusting your schedule so that you have a minimum of stress on the day of the date and considering what your partner might need in order to be in a great state of mind on that day. Centering pleasure is finishing the laundry and the dishes, to minimize distractions, and cleaning the bathtub so your partner can have a relaxing bath. Above all, centering pleasure looks like asking your partner what helps them to feel cared for, attended to, and wanted; it looks like sharing with your partner what helps you to feel cared for, attended to, and wanted. ([Location 829](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=829)) ## New highlights added February 15, 2024 at 10:35 PM > The barrier to her pleasure was her uncertainty in the face of pleasure that felt so good it seemed like “too much.” This is the story of our relationships with pleasure. We feel like it’s too much; it’s not too much. When pleasure feels strong, you don’t have to move away from it. ([Location 892](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=892)) > Chapter 2 tl;dr: Pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being—not how much you crave it, not how often you do it or with whom or where, or how many orgasms you have. It’s whether or not you like the sex you’re having. Pleasure is sensation in context; context is a combination of external circumstances and internal state. The “desire imperative” is a cultural narrative that says our experience of spontaneous desire is the single most important measure of our sexual functioning. Spontaneous desire is normal; it emerges in anticipation of pleasure. Responsive desire is also normal; it emerges in response to pleasure. For many “low desire” couples, the difficulty is not so much that they don’t want the sex available to them; it’s that they don’t like it—if they don’t like it, of course they don’t want it. Again, pleasure is the measure. Partners in a sexual connection can treat context as a “third thing,” a site of mutual curiosity and exploration. Couples who sustain a strong sexual connection co-create a context that makes pleasure easier to access. ([Location 928](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=928)) ## New highlights added February 15, 2024 at 11:35 PM #### Chapter 3 YOUR EMOTIONAL FLOORPLAN > In this chapter, you’ll develop a kind of map of the different emotional states that exist in your brain, that will show you how to navigate those spaces to find yourself in the vicinity of the erotic. These rooms include seven “core” or “primary” emotional spaces in your brain. Four of the seven systems are what I’ll call “pleasure-favorable,” meaning they are spaces where it’s easier to access pleasure. They generally feel good and we are motivated to experience them—lust, play, seeking, and care. And three systems are “pleasure-adverse,” meaning they are spaces where pleasure seems far away. They generally feel uncomfortable and we are motivated to avoid them—panic/grief, fear, and rage.[1] Jaak Panksepp, the father of affective neuroscience and the researcher who developed this framework, put the terms in all caps to differentiate them from the day-to-day meanings of these words.[2] It’s not “lust,” in the ordinary sense of a person’s experience of sexual desire, but rather lust, in the technical sense of the network of brain systems whose activation generates mammalian behaviors and experiences related to courtship and sexual behavior. To these seven emotional spaces, I will add two “bonus” spaces—the thinking mind, or the office, where you plan and reason, and observational distance or the scenic viewpoint, for noticing your own internal experience with nonjudgment. The seven primary emotional spaces, plus the bonus spaces, comprise much of our internal context. ([Location 964](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=964)) > “I have felt shame around how important sex is to me, without a doubt. Every partner I’ve ever been with has had a lower sex drive. But I know I’d rather have really good, into-it sex once a week, once a month, than sex where my partner’s totally checked out twice a week. I’ve come to a place where I actively work to make sure my partner doesn’t feel obligated to have sex with me. We get there through a lot of talking, which I’m not a fan of, but we have those conversations where I’m able to iterate and reiterate, if you don’t want to have sex with me, I’d rather not have sex with you.” ([Location 1026](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1026)) > play is activity done with no immediate purpose, for its own sake, just because everyone involved likes it. You can recognize play by the facial and vocal reactions of participants—laughter, smiles, wide open mouths, cheering. When you’re in play, there is nothing at stake, only fun to be had. ([Location 1039](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1039)) > “What can I make this object do?” or “What can I do with this object?” We manipulate our environment with our bodies to see what happens, and when something unexpected but safe happens, we feel the thrill of discovery. In all its various forms, play is the foundation of friendship. ([Location 1050](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1050)) > partner were playing literal games, whether physical sports or Bananagrams. Maybe you were roughhousing, and the physical touch and heavy breathing changed the mood. The laughter and friendship-building of play might be the most underrated yet common paths to lust. Manual and oral sex, at their best, can be object play, activity done with no immediate purpose, for its own sake, just because everyone involved likes it, in which we explore our partner’s genitals to see what happens when we try certain movements at different speeds or with different pressure. “What can I make this object do?” ([Location 1053](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1053)) > Also known by names like exploration, curiosity, adventure, or learning, seeking is the key to much of human endeavor, including our motivation to read a book about sex so that we can improve our lives. For some people, seeking can look like going to an art museum or seeing a movie or taking a cooking class or attending a lecture. It can be nerding out over a pop culture obsession, traveling to a foreign country, or meeting new people. Whether you’re exploring with your body or with your mind or (most often) both, when you feel an urge to solve a problem, improve a system, have a new experience, or understand something you didn’t before, you’re in the seeking space. It’s the “Oooooooooh, what’s that?” state of mind that leads you to try something new. ([Location 1131](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1131)) > If you have gotten to lust through seeking, maybe you and your partner were solving problems together, whether it was a home plumbing DIY or an academic quandary. Or maybe you were traveling through unknown places and the adventure of it, the shared exploration, transformed into lust when you got to bed that night. Lust through seeking can also look like the couple I know who left their jobs, sold most of their stuff, and traveled together for a year. It was not always fun, but it was an adventure. ([Location 1146](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1146)) > In Come as You Are, I called the care system by another of its scientific names, attachment, but its real-life name is simply love. It shows up deep in our biology, as in the burst of oxytocin that induces uterine contractions and mammary lactation at the end of pregnancy. To care and be cared for is a biological drive; humans sicken and even die from loneliness. ([Location 1164](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1164)) > But our open-concept room of care also has a kitchen, where you “take care of” rather than “care for” others. This is the workhorse of the care room. It’s powerful and beautiful, but if you’re taking care of your partner in the kitchen of care, it can feel too much like parenting, and it does not lead straight to the bedroom. When care shows up as “cleaning up after,” that’s rarely sexy. ([Location 1181](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1181)) > Difficult feelings are not dangerous because they, like all feelings, are tunnels. When you go all the way through them, you get to the light at the end. They may be uncomfortable, for sure; that’s kind of their point. When you experience them, that’s your embodied mind alerting you that it perceives a potential problem or a threat. But the feelings themselves are not dangerous, just as a lifeguard’s whistle alerting everyone to get out of the ocean is not dangerous. What’s potentially dangerous is the shark or the rip current or the lightning; that’s why you get out of the water. There is no need to fear the whistle. ([Location 1241](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1241)) > At its simplest, panic/grief is loneliness. But loneliness is like hunger; it’s an alarm sounding, telling us to fix a problem that could lead to serious harm. ([Location 1254](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1254)) > At lower intensities, panic/grief can fuel many different kinds of lustful experiences. Jessamyn Stanley, a polyamorous queer yoga teacher, said on her podcast, “Jealousy is my kink.”[8] When her nestmate was developing a relationship with a new partner, it activated a low-level sense of threat to the attachment, a tension that in turn activates lust as a way to reinforce the bond in their relationship. ([Location 1263](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1263)) > In everyday language, fear is everything from a slight worry to anxiety to terror. Fear is amazing, because it could be three different things: flight, fawn, and freeze—not fight; fight is rage, ([Location 1287](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1287)) > Known in everyday language by names like anger, annoyance, irritation, frustration, or sometimes hatred, rage is the “attack mode” of the stress response. It is a biological impulse to move toward and destroy something we perceive as a threat to our safety, well-being, identity, or goals. ([Location 1360](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1360)) > My general advice for addressing intense anger in a relationship is: When you’re deep in the rage room, no touching each other, not with any part of your body. Also, no words. You can growl and pound on your chest like a gorilla. You can jump up and down or go for a run or emit a primal scream with your partner, to purge the rage from your body. Feelings are tunnels; you have to go through them to get to the light. But no words and no touching, not even directed toward yourself. ([Location 1371](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1371)) > A second possibility involves one partner happily consenting to being “destroyed” with sex, while another person happily consents to do it. It’s nearly always metaphorical destruction and highly stylized rage. These kinds of experiences blend play with rage and lust. It calls for exceptionally good communication skills, so you can stay clear about boundaries even during intense emotional experiences. This kind of play nearly always happens in a preexisting relationship grounded in trust. ([Location 1407](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1407)) > The first bonus space is your thinking mind. I often imagine the thinking mind as an office, where your thinking, planning, worrying, ruminating, cognition, and social appropriateness live. It’s where people get stuck when they can’t “get out of their heads.” They can’t disengage from the past or the future in order to be present with their partner and their body’s sensations. ([Location 1434](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1434)) > The second bonus space is observational distance. It is also known by names like “mindfulness,” “Self,” “decentering,” or “self-as-context.”[10] Going there is the skill of stepping to one side of your internal experience so that you can observe it without being in it. ([Location 1456](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1456)) > Chapter 3 tl;dr: Our emotional brains have pleasure-favorable spaces—lust, play, seeking, and care—and pleasure-adverse spaces—panic/grief, fear, and rage. Beyond those emotional spaces, we also have our thinking minds, our bodies, and observational distance, the wise, mindful practice of being able to step to one side to witness our internal experience. It is essential for couples in a long-term sexual connection to understand their emotional spaces—knowing how to recognize which space they’re in, what moves them into each one, what moves them out, and how they feel about each space. It’s also valuable to understand the relationships among the various emotional spaces. Which are adjacent to each other? Which require a great deal of change in order to transition from one to another? For couples who like the sex available to them but feel “stuck” and unable to access the lust space, learning to get to the spaces adjacent to lust can make it easier to move into lust. ([Location 1516](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1516)) #### Chapter 4 HOW TO USE YOUR FLOORPLAN; or, Finding the Room Next Door to the Room Where It Happens > My turn-ons dwell exclusively in a space of connection with another mind, even if that mind is the author of some erotica I’m reading or it’s a mind I made up in a fantasy. So that really good question didn’t happen to be a good fit for me. But then I thought about the emotional spaces in my mind and I asked myself: What is my “way in” to an erotic state of mind? This is when I realized that seeking was my primary way in—and seeking wasn’t working. Everyone I’ve ever been in love with has been someone whose mind I admired and wanted to explore and learn from. ([Location 1570](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1570)) > I remembered some moments from my early life that taught me I couldn’t rely on love, and I grieved for the little girl that I was, that she would never have the ideal parents every child is born deserving and no child gets. Then I talked through the ways I had grown since then, how I had honed my instincts about which people are trustworthy and which are not, about what healthy love feels like in my body, about how I was now a reliable enough “parent” to the hurt young girl who still lived inside me. I cried, sometimes with grief but also with pride at the adult I had become. ([Location 1612](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1612)) > Everyone’s experience is unique. But I think it’s not a coincidence that the people I know who are most successful at open relationships that involve not just sexual connections but deep emotional connections are retired. They have the time, the emotional maturity, and often a couple of decades of therapy under their belts, all of which make such expansive love more practicable. ([Location 1668](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1668)) > Dana talked to Eric about feeling stuck in the care kitchen. “I’m always here! There is no path from here to sex! Instead of calling to me when you’re in the sex room and I’m in the kitchen, meet me where I am and help me finish all the caregiving that has to happen in the kitchen, so I can step away! Walk with me on the path between the kitchen and the sex room, pausing in the ‘office,’ so I can make sure all my to-dos are crossed off and I can let go of ‘taking care of’ responsibilities and we can ‘care for’ each other!” ([Location 1707](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1707)) > Chapter 4 tl;dr: Aim not for lust itself, but for a space next door to it. Your emotional floorplans are helpful tools for exploring the “internal experience,” part of your shared erotic context. Again, couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term co-create a context that makes pleasure easier to access. It took me time, therapy, and the curious, supportive cooperation of my partner to help me discover new ways into the lust space. You don’t have to hurry in your exploration of your emotional floorplans. Moving through emotional spaces takes both time and energy. It isn’t—and isn’t supposed to be—effortless. It’s a myth that wanting and liking sex should happen easily, instantly, and in any context. ([Location 1802](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1802)) #### Chapter 5 HOW WE GIVE AND RECEIVE: A Sex-Positive Mindset > For me, the term “sex positive” doesn’t mean that all sex is positive (which it certainly isn’t) or that everyone should like, want, and have sex. It means that everyone gets to choose how and when they touch and are touched, and everyone gets to decide how they feel about their body. This basic bodily autonomy is the foundation of good, great, and spectacular sex—hence sex positive. ([Location 1821](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1821)) > “Confidence” is knowing what is true—knowing what’s true about our bodies, our sexualities, our life histories, our cultures, our partners, and our partnerships. ([Location 1833](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1833)) > Some new insights about what’s true can bring risk of loss and potential for discomfort, along with the joy. Coming out as gay, lesbian, bi, pan, ace, aro, kinky, poly, trans, agender, or any other of the wide variety of genders and sexualities humans experience requires you to defy much of the world’s constantly expressed opinions about who you are supposed to be. Sometimes we may internalize those messages so deeply that even we can’t believe anything else could be true of ourselves. And sometimes we’ve worked so hard to accept one identity that the idea that it could change is heartbreaking—to us, and sometimes to our partners and even to our communities because they, too, feel invested in our truth. When the truth changes or your insight changes, everyone involved needs to mourn for the truth that is now lost, so that they have space for what’s true now. ([Location 1900](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1900)) > And joy is…the hard part. Joy is loving what’s true—about our bodies, our sexualities, our life histories, our cultures, our partners, and our partnerships. ([Location 1911](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1911)) > If you don’t love the sexuality you have right now, as it is, then you’ll be so busy criticizing, judging, shaming, rejecting, and worrying about your sexuality, noticing everything you wish were different, that you won’t have any time, attention, or energy left to try something new. So here is my super-secret/not-at-all-secret-because-it-was-the-title-of-chapter-2-so-please-tell-everyone-you-know shortcut for accessing joy. When you turn away from all the various cultural lies, you can replace them with just two words of instruction: Center. Pleasure. ([Location 1915](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1915)) > Judgment is the real thief of joy. When you compare and merely notice similarities and differences, you can enhance your understanding of what’s true about you and the rest of the world, which increases your confidence. When you compare with positive curiosity, you can even enhance your love of what’s true, which increases joy! But when you compare not just to notice similarities and differences, but to assess and decide what is good and what is bad, who is right and who is wrong, that is the opposite of loving what is true. Judgment is deciding that some of the things that are true are bad and wrong and unworthy of equal existence. Judgment is the anti-joy, whether it’s self-judgment or judging others. ([Location 1951](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=1951)) > “I can, but sex is like…it’s ultraconcentrated acceptance. It’s a big dose of ‘you’re not disgusting or ridiculous, actually.’ ” ([Location 2112](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2112)) > Mike wanted passion. He wanted spark. But under that, he wanted to be received by his long-term sex partner as not repulsive. He would have to heal that wound before he could fully let go of his wish for Kendra’s spontaneous desire, and he would have to let go of that in order to open himself up to the project of co-creating a context that prioritized pleasure over any specific experience of desire. ([Location 2134](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2134)) > Chapter 5 tl;dr: Confidence and joy are essential components of a sex-positive mindset. Confidence is knowing what’s true about your body, sexuality, relationship, life history, and culture. Joy is the hard part; it’s loving what’s true about your body, sexuality, relationship, life history, and culture. Even if it’s not what you were taught “should” be true. Even if it’s not what you wish were true. Many of us grow up believing that sex exists on a linear progression from broken → normal → perfect. It doesn’t. Instead, sex exists within a cycle of woundedness to healing, and none of us is ever “finished,” we are all always moving through the cycle. “Normal” sex is any erotic contact among peers where everyone involved is glad to be there and free to leave with zero unwanted consequences, including emotional consequences, and where no one experiences unwanted pain, either physical or emotional. “Perfect” sex is normal sex where everyone turns toward whatever is happening with confidence (knowing what’s true), joy (loving what’s true), and calm, warm curiosity. ([Location 2152](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2152)) #### Chapter 6 WHAT WE GIVE AND RECEIVE: Trust and Admiration ## New highlights added February 16, 2024 at 1:35 AM > Whether a relationship is sexually exclusive or not, regardless of the genders of the people involved, there are some basic, necessary dynamics that make it easier for each person to participate in cultivating a shared garden. In this chapter, I’ll talk about two relationship characteristics that are crucial. They are: admiration and trust. ([Location 2181](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2181)) > In a way, what I’m suggesting here is extremely basic and obvious, right? You have to like each other most of the time. But also, it’s a radical shift in priorities. I’m replacing “passion” and “spontaneous desire” and “being in love” with the seemingly tepid emotion of “admiration.” ([Location 2200](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2200)) > Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy [EFT]—10 ([Location 2222](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2222)) > Exercises like these develop what therapist Sara Nasserzadeh calls “emergent love,” love that emerges through shared experience.[1] They are why I fall more “in love” (whatever the heck that even is) with my person every year. ([Location 2245](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2245)) > The most evidence-based couples therapies put trust at the center of their programs, for good reason. Trust is so much the foundation of any connection that the absence of trust is essentially the absence of connection. ([Location 2345](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2345)) > Underlying this dynamic of being emotionally there—accessible, responsive, and engaged—for our partners is our willingness to bear some cost in order to benefit our partners or our relationships. ([Location 2353](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2353)) > Emotional Accessibility. Sometimes trust is damaged by a specific crisis event, like a betrayal. But more often, emotional accessibility erodes gradually, through neglect, as partners grow emotionally distant. ([Location 2357](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2357)) > Though we were still each other’s main person, we were disconnected by each person’s autonomy. It wasn’t that we didn’t trust each other, it was that neither of us was willing to take the risk of asking our partner to bear a cost for us. We could just co-exist in the same house, without asking each other to do the emotional work of being emotionally accessible, which is what differentiates our connection with each other from our connections with anybody else. ([Location 2369](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2369)) > If you and your partner are “roommates” rather than partners or lovers, you may have grown into this habit of independently coping and not relying on each other to be emotionally accessible. A good place to start in rebuilding emotional accessibility is John Gottman’s “stress-reducing conversation” technique, where you and your partner spend half an hour every day, fifteen minutes each, listening to each other’s experiences, especially complaints about other people. The listening partner listens not to solve problems but to be a cheerleader, to be on the same team as the speaker. Be there for each other emotionally. Practice not coping independently but daring to cope interdependently. ([Location 2374](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2374)) > Emotional Responsiveness. When partners are struggling with responsiveness, a common culprit is plain old distraction. Our attention is tuned to a screen or to the kids or to other friends or partners or family or to work or to any of the myriad things we have to pay attention to. Because of the cost, in effort and time, of context switching, we offer our partner a fragment of our attention as we continue to think about something else. ([Location 2380](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2380)) > A loved one’s lack of emotional responsiveness is basically a form of torture for humans. ([Location 2397](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2397)) > Self-efficacy is an individual’s sense that they can engage with the world in a way that results in getting their needs met. ([Location 2403](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2403)) > Emotional Engagement. When partners are emotionally engaged, they turn toward each other’s feelings with a warm “yes.” Just as failures of responsiveness are often about distraction, common failures of emotional engagement are about communication skills, like advice-giving instead of active listening, or “I’m busy” instead of “I’m here for you.” That’s good news, because it means it’s not a failure of trust or trustworthiness itself; it’s just a matter of practicing the skill of listening to your partner’s feelings. ([Location 2424](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2424)) > Trust your partner to transition at their own pace and they’ll trust you in return. ([Location 2471](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2471)) > Chapter 6 tl;dr: You don’t need to want your partner passionately so much as you need to like them, admire them, and believe they are worth some effort on your part. Trust is essential to a strong relationship, and it is not rational, it is being emotionally there for your partner—being emotionally accessible, emotionally responsive, and emotionally engaged. As researcher and therapist Sue Johnson puts it, “A.R.E. you there for me?” Communicating with trust and trustworthiness isn’t always efficient, but it is always more effective. Take the time to be emotionally present, especially for difficult feelings, and you’ll improve the foundational strength of the relationship. ([Location 2477](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2477)) ### PART 2 Good Things Come #### Chapter 7 LIVING IN BODIES > The fundamental mistake people make when they approach change is that they approach the problem from a rage space, trying to destroy it; or they approach it from the fear space, trying to solve it by pretending it doesn’t exist; or they approach it from panic/grief. ([Location 2525](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2525)) > “Curiosity is a crucial component of lessening our reactivity. Rather than react out of habit, we become interested. ([Location 2534](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2534)) > In fact, curiosity is an important tool for giving us just enough distance from our rage, fear, or panic/grief, to be able to find our way out of those spaces. Here is your way out: “I see you. I love you. I want to know you.” ([Location 2539](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2539)) ## New highlights added February 17, 2024 at 6:54 PM > This baby will not remember this moment, but it will accumulate with countless similar moments to create a dark place in her mind. She will associate her genitals and their sensations with the experience of being scolded or punished. Her genitals make her a “bad girl.” By adolescence, she’ll have a sense that that part of her body does not truly belong to her, that the sensations of those parts are dangerous or disgusting. Maybe her entire lust room will be dark, windowless, airless, full of unopened suitcases and dusty skeletons. And she may not even remember any explicit message from anyone, telling her to feel ashamed. ([Location 2691](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2691)) > The dark places may be among the most difficult things to know about ourselves and to love. And don’t worry about “finishing” the process of shining a light on all your dark places; you may never get there. You don’t have to. Turn toward your dark places with warm curiosity; it will grow easier each time. ([Location 2736](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2736)) > Be curious about the metaphors and stories that soothe you. Nothing in our real lives can explain or describe what happens inside us as we heal from trauma. We may need the metaphors of a fantasy world to describe our experience. Take The Lord of the Rings. A thousand pages of high fantasy, plus two volumes of mythopoeic stories. People don’t reread all that because it’s fun to spend that much time with a bunch of white men of different statures. People reread it and memorize ancestries and learn to speak fictional languages because they need somewhere to be that feels the way they feel on the inside; and nowhere real feels like what trauma feels like on the inside. ([Location 2774](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2774)) > Chapter 7 tl;dr: Curiosity is turning toward what’s true, regardless of whether it’s what you wish were true or were taught “should” be true, and saying, “I see you. I love you. I want to know you.” This, rather than turning toward what’s happening with fear, rage, or panic/grief. Bodies change and vary over time. Especially with age, illness, or injury, our bodies may have new needs that could alter the ways partners give and receive care in the relationship. As long as you can see your partner as themselves, separate from their needs, you’ll maintain a connection that embraces bodies as they are. I don’t know one person who didn’t absorb sexual shame from somewhere, whether it was from their family, their religion, or popular culture. The more we let ourselves notice the shame and shine a light on what it wants to hide, the more of ourselves we make available for connection and pleasure. A lot of us carry trauma in our bodies. Beyond therapy and safe connection and practices like yoga, many survivors use stories of magic and fantasy to experience and articulate something that approximates survivorship more accurately than anything in our daily lives. ([Location 2816](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2816)) #### Chapter 8 RELATIONSHIP CHANGE: Creating It and Coping with It > The short answer is: Be curious about where they are right now. You’re already normal, and if you turn with calm, warm curiosity toward whatever is happening in your sexual connection, regardless of whether it matches your expectations or not, you’re already doing it perfectly. There is no urgency; the stakes are low. A long-term relationship is hardly ever at risk because of a sex issue per se; if there’s a true threat to a relationship, it’s nearly always some other issue that manifests itself in the sexual connection. Save urgency for the problems where you truly have something to lose, like disagreements about money, children, or health issues, which can have immediate and life-altering consequences. ([Location 2851](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2851)) > In public health jargon, we call it “readiness to change,” and “readiness” comes in roughly five “stages”: Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Action, and Maintenance.[2] ([Location 2866](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2866)) > When you approach a partner to ask for change, to get them on board, rather than trying to get them from A → E all in one step, just aim to get them one step further in their readiness. ([Location 2868](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2868)) > Stage 1: Pre-contemplation. This person isn’t even considering change. You’ll hear them use “sustain talk,” which is language that indicates that the situation is not worth changing or can’t be changed. ([Location 2871](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2871)) > When a partner is in pre-contemplation, it’s an exercise in trust—being there for your partner, right where they are, without pushing. You can be there without pushing because, given the luxury of time that comes with a long-term relationship, you can allow change to happen rather than forcing it. Because it’s a long-term relationship, by definition you have time to breathe and allow your partner to be where they are.[*1] ([Location 2883](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2883)) > Stage 2: Contemplation. This person has become interested in change. They’re considering what it might be like to change or what steps they might take if they decided to create change. It’s often triggered by a specific, major event or by a long accumulation of many minor (to them) events. You’ll hear them use “change talk,” which is language that shows that change potentially is on the table for them. ([Location 2895](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2895)) > Stage 3: Preparation. This person is almost ready for change. They’re making plans and taking steps to get ready for change. They may be reading books or articles about the change or initiating conversations with people who’ve been through similar change. They might perceive themselves as already changing, and to some extent they are! You’ll hear planning talk. ([Location 2910](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2910)) > The goal of transitioning from contemplation to preparation is to transform interest into intention. ([Location 2915](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2915)) > Stage 4: Action. This person is actively creating change, altering behavior patterns, adjusting and adapting to a new reality. You’re not just reading about responsive desire, you’re adjusting your bedroom (like the way my partner and I made a sex towel drawer). You’re not just talking about the emotional floorplan, you’re actually mapping yours and helping each other transition into spaces closer to the lust space. ([Location 2921](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2921)) > Stage 5: Maintenance. This person has changed and is actively using their new skills and awareness to sustain that change across new and varied situations. ([Location 2933](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2933)) > Intentional change happens when (and only when) people are ready, willing, and able to change. Sometimes, though, the energy people bring to the “How do I get my partner on board?” question is “My needs are not being met and I urgently require my partner to change so that my needs will be met.” Since your urgency doesn’t change the reality that your partner will need time and help to transition into the change, you can manage your feelings by being curious about them. Return to that scenic viewpoint on your emotional floorplan and observe your urgent need for change, without judgment and without buying into it. ([Location 2942](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2942)) > And when Jamie notices Rowan withdrawing, or if Rowan says, “I’m having a boat moment,” Jamie’s brain activates a similar red alert, the shame or defensiveness or amorphous frustration that the harm continues to resonate into the present. The red alerts hit the brakes. No judgment on Jamie for feeling remorse when he sees Rowan’s hesitation, though friends would tell him there’s no need for ongoing remorse. Got it? Pain resonates into the present not necessarily because a wound is unhealed but because our brains learn to fear situations that were harmful in the past. ([Location 3071](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=3071)) > The first step to unlearning those fears is nonjudgment, both for the time it takes to heal and for the residual red alerts that remain in the wake of harm. ([Location 3075](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=3075)) > Chapter 8 tl;dr: Intentional change happens gradually. It can be cultivated, but never forced. People don’t change faster because we get more impatient with them. How you approach a partner with a change should be shaped by where they are in their readiness to change: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, or maintenance. You can facilitate change one step at a time. In any relationship that lasts long enough, partners will experience emotional wounds that persist long after the incidents that caused them are over. They heal the way physical injuries heal: with time and care. Apologies and remorse are important, but they can’t knit a person back together. Instead, what works is turning toward the old wound as a third thing, a shared project that partners want to heal together. These old injuries last because of the fear we associate with the original injury, rather than because of ongoing harm. Our well-intentioned imagination makes the pain linger; that means we can use our imaginations to free ourselves from the fear, through a “What If?” Daydream. ([Location 3259](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=3259)) #### Chapter 9 THE SEX IMPERATIVES ## New highlights added February 19, 2024 at 3:21 AM > In chapter 1, I mentioned a queer Gen X woman who felt that her need to be desired stemmed from a part of her that was convinced she was unfuckable—this, despite the fact that she was actually doing a lot of fucking at the time. Why couldn’t all that fucking convince this part of her that she was fuckable? She said, “The feeling of unfuckability is not about fucking at all. It’s actually about cultural validation. It’s about feeling seen and valued as a sex object, seeing yourself reflected in the culture as a sex object. There was nobody that looked like me in movies or TV being portrayed as fuckable. So it didn’t matter who I fucked because I was confusing actual fucking for cultural validation.” “When I talk to other people,” I replied, “sometimes they connect fuckability to lovability, a feeling of belonging. Like, to feel unfuckable is to feel that you’re out in the cold and will never be allowed inside.” ([Location 3300](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=3300)) > Do any of these sound familiar? The “coital imperative” to have penis-in-vagina sex (since heterosexuality is just assumed) The “variety imperative” to have manual, oral, and anal play, in addition to penis-in-vagina sex The “performance imperative,” to enhance your sexual skill set like an ambitious employee pursuing a promotion, “to work on and discipline the body” and “make time to work at sex” And more: the “confidence imperative,” the “pleasure imperative,” the imperative to have a relationship “because sex is better within an intimate relationship,” and the “sex imperative” itself, to be a sexual person who wants and has and even likes sex. To this list, I add the “monogamy imperative,” because you should have only one sexual relationship (at a time), and the “desire imperative,” which I described in chapter 2—the imperative to experience spontaneous desire on a regular basis, regardless of the context. We can also list any number of body imperatives, what my friend would describe as the “fuckabilty imperative,” to conform as closely as you can to a culturally constructed (and highly gendered) aesthetic ideal, and to work relentlessly to discipline your body, never to accept your body as it is. Where do we get these ideas about the sex imperatives? From everywhere. ([Location 3314](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=3314)) > it lies to you to make sure you believe that you are not merely unlovely and unlovable, but also unhealthy and immoral—slothful and greedy—if your body doesn’t conform to the “ideal body” it says you should have. As an imperative, to go along with the sex imperatives and the desire imperative, I think of it as “the pretty imperative.” ([Location 3437](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=3437)) > In Japanese culture, wabi sabi is a way of knowing the world that embraces impermanence, incorporating “flaws” and signs of age or wear into the perception of beauty. The widely discussed African ethic of ubuntu is generally translated into English as “I am, because we are.” It locates beauty not within an individual but within community, within relationship.[12] Neither wabi sabi nor ubuntu exists to understand the beauty of our bodies, but both create a potential context for understanding bodies—our own and others’—more humanely and compassionately than the context of the BIC. ([Location 3479](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=3479)) > Chapter 9 tl;dr: The coital imperative, variety imperative, performance imperative, confidence imperative, pleasure imperative, relationship imperative, the desire imperative, and even the sex imperative itself—to be a sexual person who wants, has, and likes sex—could all be creating a needless sense of urgency for you to “work” on your sex life to make it more like it’s “supposed” to be. You are already beautiful because “beautiful” is something you can’t help being, just as a tree can’t help being beautiful and a dog can’t help it and a river can’t help it. You couldn’t be less than beautiful if you tried. To stop the impact of the sex imperatives, try playing new games by different rules that ask you to share pleasure and touch in ways that have nothing to do with any urgent need to be or do sex differently. ([Location 3681](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=3681)) #### Chapter 10 THE GENDER MIRAGE > Chapter 10 tl;dr: The easily proven reality is that gender is not binary—the mere existence of trans, nonbinary, agender, and gender-fluid folks is all the evidence needed to prove this, but it can also help to dispel the mirage to recognize that many other cultures do not construct gender as a binary. Cultures can have anything from zero to five or more genders, and they’re all as real as a culture with two genders. Messages about gender are ubiquitous and feel intensely urgent, but, in reality, the more we allow ourselves to be who we truly are, without reference to who we’re taught we “should” be, the freer we are to build a sense of belonging that includes our authentic selves. The “It’s a girl!” handbook of rules for how to live in your body says you should be a Giver who happily, smilingly sacrifices your time, attention, affection, sometimes your body, your health, and even your life on the altar of other people’s comfort and convenience. The “It’s a boy!” handbook of rules for how to live in your body says you should be a Winner who fights and wins and fucks and needs nothing from anyone, ever. When we actively work to dispel the mirage, we can find what we truly need—that is, we can be safe and loved in a human community, even as our full, true selves, the selves we were born to be. ([Location 4061](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=4061)) #### Chapter 11 HETEROSEXUAL-TYPE RELATIONSHIPS > When You Keep Having the Same Fight, Maybe It’s the Mirage ([Location 4103](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=4103)) > Chapter 11 tl;dr: Heterosexual-type relationships have an extra level of difficulty because the gender mirage is harder to spot in a relationship that appears so similar to the mirage. Dudes: Begin by assuming that your partner’s complaints are accurate and entirely valid, and go from there. Then practice turning toward her difficult feelings with calm, warm curiosity. Women: He’s going to need your help; the world really tried to prevent him from learning how to be a good partner. Don’t take on responsibility for his difficult feelings, just stay with him while he learns how to tolerate them. The super-secret lie at the core of heterosexual-type relationships is that men are simple and women are unfathomable. In reality, we all want the same thing—to be welcome in connection, precisely as we are. ([Location 4444](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=4444)) #### Chapter 12 THE MAGIC TRICK > Here’s my formula, to achieve the magic trick: Move your body in time with others, for a shared purpose, by choice. ([Location 4639](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=4639)) > You can also start by focusing on the pleasure of one partner at a time. Caress and kiss and stimulate your partner, allow pleasure to grow in their body, and then create space between you, allow their pleasure to dissipate. If they’re experiencing genital arousal, let that arousal ease. Let a penis lose its erection. Let a vulva diminish its swelling. Then touch your partner again. It can help to begin your touch at the periphery of their body—fingertips and toes and scalp—and gradually, in wave after wave of stimulation, shift your attention and touch body parts closer and closer to their core. I’m talking about extravagant amounts of time spent on allowing pleasure and arousal to grow and dissipate, grow and dissipate. Half an hour, an hour, more. And then next time you and your partner connect erotically, switch roles. ([Location 4692](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=4692)) > Chapter 12 tl;dr: Practice savoring pleasure in all domains of life by sharing it with others, focusing your sensory awareness on it, expressing it with your body, and other strategies. Through something similar to guided meditation, connect with the part of yourself that is wise, the part that knows the answers to any questions you have. This is a way of knowing the world that allows you to feel most alive. The “magic trick” for accessing ecstasy involves moving your body in time with other people, for a shared purpose, with mutual consent. You can practice it with a partner or solo—you might find it easier solo at first. Why practice ecstasy? Because it’s not just about sex; it’s about your aliveness. It can deepen your connection with a partner, but it can also lead you to something larger, a sense of connection with what it means to be alive in a human body. ([Location 4808](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=4808)) #### CONCLUSION > Come Together tl;dr: 1. Pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being—not how much you want it, how often you do it, with whom, where, what time of day, or even whether you have orgasms. It’s whether or not you like the sex you are having. Life is too short to have sex you don’t like. 2. Pleasure is sensation in context—a sensation you experience in a stressful context may feel uncomfortable, while the same sensation in a great, sexy context may feel pleasurable. Context is both your external circumstances and your internal state. Your external circumstances include everything from your relationship to your culture, including the sex imperatives and the gender mirage. Your internal state includes everything in your emotional floorplan, including the bonus spaces of your thinking mind and observational distance, plus the state of your physical body. 3. Couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term co-create a context that makes pleasure easier to access. They treat their shared context as a “third thing,” a joint project or hobby toward which they both feel enthusiasm and investment. Treating it as a shared project on which you and your partner collaborate helps you avoid falling into blame traps, where a sexual difficulty is one person’s fault. Instead, a difficulty is always a result of a problem with the context, which you can adjust together. 4. Your emotional floorplan includes pleasure-favorable spaces—lust, seeking, play, and care—and pleasure-adverse spaces—fear, rage, and panic/grief. Map out your emotional floorplans to see why sometimes it’s easy to get to a sexy state of mind and sometimes it’s impossible. It will also help you to understand and articulate ways to make it easier for each other to get to the spaces adjacent to lust. 5. Certain sex-positive mindsets allow you to cultivate a shared garden. First, confidence—knowing what’s true—and joy—loving what’s true—are the keys to creating the sex life that’s a great fit for you and your relationship. Second, reconceive changes and differences in sexuality not as a linear progression from broken → normal → perfect but as an ongoing cycle of woundedness to healing, and you’re already perfect, wherever you are within that cycle. These tools can free you to turn toward your sexuality and your erotic connection with kindness and compassion. 6. The foundational tools of a great relationship are trust—which is made of emotional accessibility, emotional responsiveness, and emotional engagement—and admiration. Recognizing admirable traits can help you choose a partner worth staying with, and remembering admirable traits in a long-term partner can help motivate you to work through whatever difficulty you may face. 7. Together with the science of behavior change, calm, warm curiosity is the most important tool for solving problems. Curiosity will allow you to address the realities of living in bodies that change with time and even solve the tricky problems that arise in… ([Location 4847](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=4847))  ## New highlights added May 19, 2025 at 9:08 PM ### Part 1   Pleasure Is the Measure #### Chapter 1 Is Sex Important? #### Chapter 2 Center Pleasure #### Chapter 3 Your Emotional Floorplan #### Chapter 4 How to Use Your Floorplan; or, Finding the Room Next Door to the Room Where It Happens #### Chapter 5 How We Give and Receive: A Sex-Positive Mindset > Chapter 5 tl;dr: Confidence and joy are essential components of a sex-positive mindset. Confidence is knowing what’s true about your body, sexuality, relationship, life history, and culture. Joy is the hard part; it’s loving what’s true about your body, sexuality, relationship, life history, and culture. Even if it’s not what you were taught “should” be true. Even if it’s not what you wish were true. Many of us grow up believing that sex exists on a linear progression from broken normal perfect. It doesn’t. Instead, sex exists within a cycle of woundedness to healing, and none of us is ever “finished,” we are all always moving through the cycle. “Normal” sex is any erotic contact among peers where everyone involved is glad to be there and free to leave with zero unwanted consequences, including emotional consequences, and where no one experiences unwanted pain, either physical or emotional. “Perfect” sex is normal sex where everyone turns toward whatever is happening with confidence (knowing what’s true), joy (loving what’s true), and calm, warm curiosity. ([Location 2157](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2157)) #### Chapter 6 What We Give and Receive: Trust and Admiration ### Part 2   Good Things Come #### Chapter 7 Living in Bodies #### Chapter 8 Relationship Change: Creating It and Coping with It > When you approach a partner to ask for change, to get them on board, rather than trying to get them from A E all in one step, just aim to get them one step further in their readiness. ([Location 2868](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=2868)) #### Chapter 9 The Sex Imperatives #### Chapter 10 The Gender Mirage #### Chapter 11 Heterosexual-Type Relationships #### Chapter 12 The Magic Trick #### Conclusion > Come Together tl;dr: 1. Pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being—not how much you want it, how often you do it, with whom, where, what time of day, or even whether you have orgasms. It’s whether or not you like the sex you are having. Life is too short to have sex you don’t like. 2. Pleasure is sensation in context—a sensation you experience in a stressful context may feel uncomfortable, while the same sensation in a great, sexy context may feel pleasurable. Context is both your external circumstances and your internal state. Your external circumstances include everything from your relationship to your culture, including the sex imperatives and the gender mirage. Your internal state includes everything in your emotional floorplan, including the bonus spaces of your thinking mind and observational distance, plus the state of your physical body. 3. Couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term co-create a context that makes pleasure easier to access. They treat their shared context as a “third thing,” a joint project or hobby toward which they both feel enthusiasm and investment. Treating it as a shared project on which you and your partner collaborate helps you avoid falling into blame traps, where a sexual difficulty is one person’s fault. Instead, a difficulty is always a result of a problem with the context, which you can adjust together. 4. Your emotional floorplan includes pleasure-favorable spaces—lust, seeking, play, and care—and pleasure-adverse spaces—fear, rage, and panic/grief. Map out your emotional floorplans to see why sometimes it’s easy to get to a sexy state of mind and sometimes it’s impossible. It will also help you to understand and articulate ways to make it easier for each other to get to the spaces adjacent to lust. 5. Certain sex-positive mindsets allow you to cultivate a shared garden. First, confidence—knowing what’s true—and joy—loving what’s true—are the keys to creating the sex life that’s a great fit for you and your relationship. Second, reconceive changes and differences in sexuality not as a linear progression from broken normal perfect but as an ongoing cycle of woundedness to healing, and you’re already perfect, wherever you are within that cycle. These tools can free you to turn toward your sexuality and your erotic connection with kindness and compassion. 6. The foundational tools of a great relationship are trust—which is made of emotional accessibility, emotional responsiveness, and emotional engagement—and admiration. Recognizing admirable traits can help you choose a partner worth staying with, and remembering admirable traits in a long-term partner can help motivate you to work through whatever difficulty you may face. 7. Together with the science of behavior change, calm, warm curiosity is the most important tool for solving problems. Curiosity will allow you to address the realities of living in bodies that change with time and even solve the tricky problems that arise in… ([Location 4822](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BHCYHKS2&location=4822))