# Good Talk
Author:: Daniel Stillman
## Highlights
> Just like a person can’t get what they don’t ask for, an organization can’t do what it can’t talk about. ([Location 135](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=135))
> American Nobel Laureate and Economist Herb Simon asserts that design “is to devise courses of action aimed at changing existing situations into preferred ones.” We rarely notice it, but we design conversations every day, in large and small ways, through our intentions and preparations, to shift conversations from their current course into preferred directions. ([Location 192](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=192))
> Design is about making choices. Those choices are based on what we see as possibilities. ([Location 195](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=195))
> conversations do have a structure, if you slow them down and look closely enough. Mastering that structure can help you design conversations that really matter. ([Location 236](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=236))
> These principles apply to any iterative communication, verbal or visual, over text messages, semaphore code (with flags), or even body language. The rules and patterns of the game are still the same. ([Location 241](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=241))
> A conversation starts with an invitation to participate. ([Location 323](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=323))
> Invitations are sent through a medium, or an interface. It’s the “place” where the conversation unfolds. When we’re talking face-to-face, the interface is the air between us and the space we’re in. ([Location 326](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=326))
> Participants “come to the table” to satisfy a need that they feel they can’t meet alone. For instance, the goal of a conversation can be to get information, make a decision, to connect—i.e., be less lonely, or to try and help someone. We choose to stay engaged in a conversation as long as we feel we need the other person to satisfy our goals. ([Location 332](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=332))
> Participants Take Turns, Finding a Cadence ([Location 341](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=341))
> Slowing the momentum of a conversation can take effort but can have powerful effects. ([Location 352](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=352))
> Conversations Are Made of People ([Location 355](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=355))
> Power can look like invitation or show up as force, be gentle or overt. You can ask someone nicely or tell them, “my way, or the highway.” ([Location 376](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=376))
> Conversations Are Woven From Threads ([Location 379](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=379))
> In new conversations, thoughtful threading can help deepen connections. When you’re trying to get to know someone, you might ask, “Where are you from?” When they respond, you might be tempted to ask another question like, “Where did you go to school?” But moving from topic to topic without weaving them together can create a conversation that feels scattered and disjointed. With intention, you can deepen the thread of the exchange: “What was it like to grow up there?” is a question that extends the thread of the conversation, moving from facts to feelings. Threads connect turns, creating stories. When recalling a conversation, people tell a story about it: they can never recount each and every moment. Instead, they describe the overarching thread - the narrative story of the exchange. ([Location 384](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=384))
> The easiest conversation error to spot is when two people start talking at the same time. The conversation stops, as if they’d literally bumped into each other. They need a reset: Someone tries to “yield” a turn by saying something like: “Sorry; what did you say?” ([Location 393](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=393))
> We’ll start in the place all conversations do: with an invitation. ([Location 411](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=411))
> in the center, is Interface, where all the other elements intersect. At the bottom of the central column are Goals, the foundational reason people come to a conversation. ([Location 412](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=412))
> Next, we move to Turn-Taking and Cadence. ([Location 414](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=414))
> The final four elements are People, Power, Threading, and Error/Repair. ([Location 417](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=417))
> Goals: Why do people join the conversation? What’s the shared goal? •Invitation: How do people get invited in? •Turn-Taking: Who speaks and when? •Error and Repair: How do we know when a mistake has been made? How do we fix it? •Threading: What is the narrative thread that holds the conversation together? Who weaves it? •Interface: Where does the conversation happen? What spaces and places (physical and digital) support it? •Cadence: What is the pacing of interactions? •People: Who do we want to be part of the conversation? Who is not part of the conversation? •Power: How is power distributed? Who can change the conversation and how? ([Location 455](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=455))
> inside of every adult is a child that enjoys what it enjoys. Play is still the most profound motivator for kids of all ages. ([Location 486](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=486))
> In Primed to Perform, Lindsay McGregor and Neel Doshi lay out a framework for six drivers of motivation, organized according to their potency. The top motivators, in order of potency, are play, purpose and potential. These three are direct, intrinsic motivations. Play is the most direct and durable: Come and play...it’ll be fun! Purpose is next, focusing on near-term impact; while potential is about long-term impact. ([Location 487](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=487))
> The bottom three drivers are extrinsic: emotional pressure, economic pressure and inertia. ([Location 490](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=490))
> One way to increase the “inviting-ness” of your invitations is to make them optional - knowing you have the option to leave at any time reduces the pressure to commit. This is the Law of Two Feet: If you find yourself in a place where you’re neither getting nor adding value, you’re encouraged to use your two feet and find a place where you can. ([Location 494](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=494))
> The Law of Two feet is core to Open Space Technology (OST), a group conversation format developed in the early 1980s by Harrison Owen. OST is a precursor of the un-conference and BarCamp formats and features of OST have found their way into Design Thinking and Design Sprints. ([Location 497](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=497))
> We can’t force participation, so it’s worth doing some thinking into what intrinsically motivates your conversation partners. How can you design your invitations to matter to them, not just to you? ([Location 503](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=503))
> Four additional principles govern OST meetings. ([Location 506](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=506))
> Whoever comes are the right people. 2.Whatever happens is the only thing that could. 3.When it starts is the right time. 4.When it’s over, it’s over. ([Location 509](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=509))
> Leaders have to find durable ways to motivate people, and that makes invitation a core leadership skill. It was my podcast conversation with Daniel Mezick, co-author of Inviting Leadership, that put invitation in my vocabulary, and for a time, the center of the OS Canvas. He showed me that leading a shift in organizational culture has to be fundamentally invitational, not coercive—which it often is—in order for real and permanent change to happen. ([Location 520](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=520))
> Invitations are powerful when they’re between people who see each other and themselves as free, and who each view their choices as legitimate. ([Location 533](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=533))
> The Four Qualities of Interfaces In the example above, I shifted the relational quality of the space. If a room is too small or too noisy, or too big or too quiet—it might hinder the kind of relationships that can form. This is called Wa. Whiteboards and sticky notes are more durable interfaces for conversation, and so they help increase knowledge capacity or the bandwidth of a space. This is called Ba. Seating teams together can also increase Ba. Location, location, location. Going to a remote location can help focus a discussion or make it challenging to attend. In Japanese conception, a building can’t be in Tokyo without Tokyo being in the building. Place is space. This quality of space is called Tokoro. Packing things together can mean no space to move or wander. Negative space, or Ma, allows silence and breath between things and events. Look for what can be removed to add negative space. ([Location 577](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=577))
> One of the easiest ways to change your conversations is to change where they happen and the tools you use. Buying whiteboards, sharpies and sticky notes won’t fix anything overnight, but shifting tools will shift communication. Adding an additional interface can help cultivate shared understanding. ([Location 602](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=602))
> “If we have our own why in life, we shall get along with almost any how.” Friedrich Nietzsche, in Twilight of the Idols, or How to Philosophize with a Hammer. ([Location 636](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=636))
> If I have my why and you have yours, then what? If these goals are not perfectly aligned, friction can develop. If you stay laser-focused on your why and your conversation partners do the same, how can you avoid becoming like the Zax, stuck with no way forward? How can we find shared goals? ([Location 654](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=654))
> Asking simple questions like, “Why else?” can open up the conversation and unpack higher goals. Why do we want what we want, in order to accomplish what? Similarly, we can delve into how someone imagines they can accomplish these goals. ([Location 662](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=662))
> Abstraction laddering gives a different interface for the conversation between why, what and how. Instead of placing why at the center, it puts what at the center. Most of the time we come together to talk about something, not some why. Why and how, abstract and concrete goals, are placed at the top and the bottom of the ladder, in dynamic tension. ([Location 666](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=666))
> Understanding and mapping all of Roger’s whys, and the whys behind those whys, can offer a richer understanding of the initial challenge. Every person has a web of whys and hows. It’s worth exploring that web if you want to work together. ([Location 676](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=676))
- Note: [[Flirtation]] requires a cartography of a person's whys.
> Openly declaring our goals can create a very legitimate feeling of vulnerability. If only one person shares their real goals, the other person might take advantage of them. ([Location 682](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=682))
> The willingness to be vulnerable is a courageous act. ([Location 694](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=694))
> TURN-TAKING “Do you listen, or do you just wait to talk?” Mia Wallace (Uma Thurman), in Pulp Fiction. ([Location 734](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=734))
> Are you someone who prefers to take a turn? Or do you tend to wait and see which way the wind blows? I’d term one choice an “initiator” (at the base of the diamond), the other is someone who “holds” space and waits (at the center). ([Location 754](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=754))
> Looking at all of our turn-taking choices can help us step outside the conversation and ask, “Which choice are we taking the most? What does the conversation need now?” These questions invite us to serve the conversation holistically, rather than being driven by our own habits. ([Location 766](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=766))
- Note: How can we hold space for the system to take its turn in the conversation?
> When conversations get too hot from a “reaction” cycle, I use active listening to cool it down. Having this active listening script in my metaphorical back pocket means that no matter how flustered I am, I can always deepen my connection with someone. Active listening works because people love being heard. ([Location 774](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=774))
> Paraphrase what you just heard the person say in neutral terms. I start with the phrase, “I’m hearing you say…” I might also start with the phrase, “Okay, wait…” to give myself a second to get centered. 2.Confirm your summary, asking “Is that right?” or “Did I get that?” 3.If they say yes; ask, “Is there anything I missed?” Go deeper. ([Location 777](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=777))
> Wait. Count to three. If they confirm that there’s more, they’ll say more. If they indicate that you got it wrong, they’ll correct you if you give them time. 5.Lather, rinse, repeat. Try step 1 again, or continue with normal turn-taking if you feel comfortable doing so. ([Location 782](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=782))
> CADENCE “If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.” Mario Andretti, Racecar Driver. ([Location 817](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=817))
---
Title: Good Talk
Author: Daniel Stillman
Tags: readwise, books
date: 2024-01-30
---
# Good Talk
Author:: Daniel Stillman
## AI-Generated Summary
None
## Highlights
> Just like a person can’t get what they don’t ask for, an organization can’t do what it can’t talk about. ([Location 135](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=135))
> American Nobel Laureate and Economist Herb Simon asserts that design “is to devise courses of action aimed at changing existing situations into preferred ones.” We rarely notice it, but we design conversations every day, in large and small ways, through our intentions and preparations, to shift conversations from their current course into preferred directions. ([Location 192](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=192))
> Design is about making choices. Those choices are based on what we see as possibilities. ([Location 195](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=195))
> conversations do have a structure, if you slow them down and look closely enough. Mastering that structure can help you design conversations that really matter. ([Location 236](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=236))
> These principles apply to any iterative communication, verbal or visual, over text messages, semaphore code (with flags), or even body language. The rules and patterns of the game are still the same. ([Location 241](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=241))
> A conversation starts with an invitation to participate. ([Location 323](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=323))
> Invitations are sent through a medium, or an interface. It’s the “place” where the conversation unfolds. When we’re talking face-to-face, the interface is the air between us and the space we’re in. ([Location 326](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=326))
> Participants “come to the table” to satisfy a need that they feel they can’t meet alone. For instance, the goal of a conversation can be to get information, make a decision, to connect—i.e., be less lonely, or to try and help someone. We choose to stay engaged in a conversation as long as we feel we need the other person to satisfy our goals. ([Location 332](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=332))
> Participants Take Turns, Finding a Cadence ([Location 341](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=341))
> Slowing the momentum of a conversation can take effort but can have powerful effects. ([Location 352](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=352))
> Conversations Are Made of People ([Location 355](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=355))
> Power can look like invitation or show up as force, be gentle or overt. You can ask someone nicely or tell them, “my way, or the highway.” ([Location 376](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=376))
> Conversations Are Woven From Threads ([Location 379](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=379))
> In new conversations, thoughtful threading can help deepen connections. When you’re trying to get to know someone, you might ask, “Where are you from?” When they respond, you might be tempted to ask another question like, “Where did you go to school?” But moving from topic to topic without weaving them together can create a conversation that feels scattered and disjointed. With intention, you can deepen the thread of the exchange: “What was it like to grow up there?” is a question that extends the thread of the conversation, moving from facts to feelings. Threads connect turns, creating stories. When recalling a conversation, people tell a story about it: they can never recount each and every moment. Instead, they describe the overarching thread - the narrative story of the exchange. ([Location 384](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=384))
> The easiest conversation error to spot is when two people start talking at the same time. The conversation stops, as if they’d literally bumped into each other. They need a reset: Someone tries to “yield” a turn by saying something like: “Sorry; what did you say?” ([Location 393](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=393))
> We’ll start in the place all conversations do: with an invitation. ([Location 411](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=411))
> in the center, is Interface, where all the other elements intersect. At the bottom of the central column are Goals, the foundational reason people come to a conversation. ([Location 412](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=412))
> Next, we move to Turn-Taking and Cadence. ([Location 414](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=414))
> The final four elements are People, Power, Threading, and Error/Repair. ([Location 417](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=417))
> Goals: Why do people join the conversation? What’s the shared goal? •Invitation: How do people get invited in? •Turn-Taking: Who speaks and when? •Error and Repair: How do we know when a mistake has been made? How do we fix it? •Threading: What is the narrative thread that holds the conversation together? Who weaves it? •Interface: Where does the conversation happen? What spaces and places (physical and digital) support it? •Cadence: What is the pacing of interactions? •People: Who do we want to be part of the conversation? Who is not part of the conversation? •Power: How is power distributed? Who can change the conversation and how? ([Location 455](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=455))
> inside of every adult is a child that enjoys what it enjoys. Play is still the most profound motivator for kids of all ages. ([Location 486](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=486))
> In Primed to Perform, Lindsay McGregor and Neel Doshi lay out a framework for six drivers of motivation, organized according to their potency. The top motivators, in order of potency, are play, purpose and potential. These three are direct, intrinsic motivations. Play is the most direct and durable: Come and play...it’ll be fun! Purpose is next, focusing on near-term impact; while potential is about long-term impact. ([Location 487](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=487))
> The bottom three drivers are extrinsic: emotional pressure, economic pressure and inertia. ([Location 490](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=490))
> One way to increase the “inviting-ness” of your invitations is to make them optional - knowing you have the option to leave at any time reduces the pressure to commit. This is the Law of Two Feet: If you find yourself in a place where you’re neither getting nor adding value, you’re encouraged to use your two feet and find a place where you can. ([Location 494](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=494))
> The Law of Two feet is core to Open Space Technology (OST), a group conversation format developed in the early 1980s by Harrison Owen. OST is a precursor of the un-conference and BarCamp formats and features of OST have found their way into Design Thinking and Design Sprints. ([Location 497](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=497))
> We can’t force participation, so it’s worth doing some thinking into what intrinsically motivates your conversation partners. How can you design your invitations to matter to them, not just to you? ([Location 503](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=503))
> Four additional principles govern OST meetings. ([Location 506](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=506))
> Whoever comes are the right people. 2.Whatever happens is the only thing that could. 3.When it starts is the right time. 4.When it’s over, it’s over. ([Location 509](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=509))
> Leaders have to find durable ways to motivate people, and that makes invitation a core leadership skill. It was my podcast conversation with Daniel Mezick, co-author of Inviting Leadership, that put invitation in my vocabulary, and for a time, the center of the OS Canvas. He showed me that leading a shift in organizational culture has to be fundamentally invitational, not coercive—which it often is—in order for real and permanent change to happen. ([Location 520](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=520))
> Invitations are powerful when they’re between people who see each other and themselves as free, and who each view their choices as legitimate. ([Location 533](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=533))
> The Four Qualities of Interfaces In the example above, I shifted the relational quality of the space. If a room is too small or too noisy, or too big or too quiet—it might hinder the kind of relationships that can form. This is called Wa. Whiteboards and sticky notes are more durable interfaces for conversation, and so they help increase knowledge capacity or the bandwidth of a space. This is called Ba. Seating teams together can also increase Ba. Location, location, location. Going to a remote location can help focus a discussion or make it challenging to attend. In Japanese conception, a building can’t be in Tokyo without Tokyo being in the building. Place is space. This quality of space is called Tokoro. Packing things together can mean no space to move or wander. Negative space, or Ma, allows silence and breath between things and events. Look for what can be removed to add negative space. ([Location 577](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=577))
> One of the easiest ways to change your conversations is to change where they happen and the tools you use. Buying whiteboards, sharpies and sticky notes won’t fix anything overnight, but shifting tools will shift communication. Adding an additional interface can help cultivate shared understanding. ([Location 602](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=602))
> “If we have our own why in life, we shall get along with almost any how.” Friedrich Nietzsche, in Twilight of the Idols, or How to Philosophize with a Hammer. ([Location 636](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=636))
> If I have my why and you have yours, then what? If these goals are not perfectly aligned, friction can develop. If you stay laser-focused on your why and your conversation partners do the same, how can you avoid becoming like the Zax, stuck with no way forward? How can we find shared goals? ([Location 654](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=654))
> Asking simple questions like, “Why else?” can open up the conversation and unpack higher goals. Why do we want what we want, in order to accomplish what? Similarly, we can delve into how someone imagines they can accomplish these goals. ([Location 662](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=662))
> Abstraction laddering gives a different interface for the conversation between why, what and how. Instead of placing why at the center, it puts what at the center. Most of the time we come together to talk about something, not some why. Why and how, abstract and concrete goals, are placed at the top and the bottom of the ladder, in dynamic tension. ([Location 666](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=666))
> Understanding and mapping all of Roger’s whys, and the whys behind those whys, can offer a richer understanding of the initial challenge. Every person has a web of whys and hows. It’s worth exploring that web if you want to work together. ([Location 676](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=676))
Note: [[Flirtation]] requires a cartography of a person's whys.
> Openly declaring our goals can create a very legitimate feeling of vulnerability. If only one person shares their real goals, the other person might take advantage of them. ([Location 682](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=682))
> The willingness to be vulnerable is a courageous act. ([Location 694](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=694))
> TURN-TAKING “Do you listen, or do you just wait to talk?” Mia Wallace (Uma Thurman), in Pulp Fiction. ([Location 734](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=734))
> Are you someone who prefers to take a turn? Or do you tend to wait and see which way the wind blows? I’d term one choice an “initiator” (at the base of the diamond), the other is someone who “holds” space and waits (at the center). ([Location 754](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=754))
> Looking at all of our turn-taking choices can help us step outside the conversation and ask, “Which choice are we taking the most? What does the conversation need now?” These questions invite us to serve the conversation holistically, rather than being driven by our own habits. ([Location 766](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=766))
Note: How can we hold space for the system to take its turn in the conversation?
> When conversations get too hot from a “reaction” cycle, I use active listening to cool it down. Having this active listening script in my metaphorical back pocket means that no matter how flustered I am, I can always deepen my connection with someone. Active listening works because people love being heard. ([Location 774](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=774))
> Paraphrase what you just heard the person say in neutral terms. I start with the phrase, “I’m hearing you say…” I might also start with the phrase, “Okay, wait…” to give myself a second to get centered. 2.Confirm your summary, asking “Is that right?” or “Did I get that?” 3.If they say yes; ask, “Is there anything I missed?” Go deeper. ([Location 777](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=777))
> Wait. Count to three. If they confirm that there’s more, they’ll say more. If they indicate that you got it wrong, they’ll correct you if you give them time. 5.Lather, rinse, repeat. Try step 1 again, or continue with normal turn-taking if you feel comfortable doing so. ([Location 782](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=782))
> CADENCE “If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.” Mario Andretti, Racecar Driver. ([Location 817](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B087G7498G&location=817))