# No Hard Feelings  Author:: Liz Fosslien, Mollie West Duffy ## Highlights > Crying can sometimes seem manipulative or calculated. But Schultz had the emotional intelligence to pair this moment of vulnerability with a reassuring follow-up: ([Location 53](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=53)) > Be less passionate about your job: Why taking a chill pill makes you healthier ([Location 153](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=153)) > Caring too much about a job is unhelpful and unhealthy. It makes small problems seem exceptional and throwaway remarks feel appalling. ([Location 161](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=161)) > That’s why we came up with the first new rule of emotion at work: Be less passionate about your job. ([Location 163](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=163)) > “Be less passionate about your job” doesn’t mean “stop caring about work.” It means care more about yourself. It means carve out time for the people you love, for exercise, and for a guilt-free vacation. ([Location 168](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=168)) > Take a night off: Scheduling leisure time throughout the workweek is just as important as taking vacation—and often easier to swing. ([Location 212](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=212)) > Block off a day: One day every week, Liz does not let herself schedule meetings, calls, or even social events. ([Location 222](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=222)) > Make room for minibreaks: Stepping away from your desk for even five minutes helps you relax—and stay focused. Danish students who were given a short break before taking ([Location 225](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=225)) > Set up an after-work ritual: Your brain will benefit from a signal that tells it, “Work is over!” Some ideas: walk or bike home (even brief periods of light exercise are good for you), meditate on your commute, listen to music, read a magazine, or lift weights (some studies show weight training boosts your mood more than cardio). ([Location 229](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=229)) > Many people are overly enthusiastic about optimizing free time. Stop falling into the type-A trap of compulsively making your hobbies more work than work. ([Location 239](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=239)) > day. Studies show when we mathematize our experiences—by tracking our steps or measuring miles hiked—we don’t enjoy them as much. ([Location 242](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=242)) > Get comfortable with being rigorously unproductive once in a while. ([Location 244](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=244)) > The busier we are, the more important we feel. ([Location 252](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=252)) > According to psychologist Christina Maslach, these are the top three signs of burnout: ([Location 263](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=263)) > Emotional exhaustion: You feel chronically drained. You have trouble sleeping and constantly get head colds. Depersonalization: You’ve become cynical and callous toward your colleagues. Small things (chewing, loud typing, spelling errors) irritate you more than they used to. Lethargy: You feel ineffective and disconnected from the projects you used to find fun; you’re just going through the motions. ([Location 265](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=265)) > As psychologist William James writes, “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” ([Location 348](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=348)) > Chronic venting, when you rehash the same problems without trying to understand or solve them, makes you and the people listening to you feel worse. ([Location 355](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=355)) > Psychologist Martin Seligman identified the “three Ps” we tend to focus on after a negative event: Personalization: thinking that the event is all your fault Pervasiveness: thinking that the event is going to ruin every aspect of your life Permanence: thinking you are going to feel like this (e.g., bad) forever ([Location 386](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=386)) > Results-Only Work Environment (ROWE) program—which ([Location 441](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=441)) > four main reasons why you might be lacking motivation: (1) you have no control over your work; (2) you don’t find what you do meaningful; (3) you’ve stopped viewing work as a place to learn; and (4) you don’t like your coworkers. These are thorny problems, so this chapter might feel more prescriptive than others. ([Location 470](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=470)) > ‘Is there one small thing within my own realm I can do differently tomorrow?’ ([Location 488](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=488)) > How to increase autonomy: ([Location 510](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=510)) > Ask your manager to define outcomes rather than processes. ([Location 511](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=511)) > Focus on small wins. Crossing something as small as “Answer Caitlin’s email” off a to-do list energizes us. ([Location 513](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=513)) > Ask open-ended questions. Employees at IDEO start brainstorms with, “How might we . . . ?” ([Location 516](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=516)) > If you’re a manager, hold office hours. ([Location 519](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=519)) > “People want to feel like they’re contributing,” notes Ariely. “They want a sense of purpose, a sense that work itself has an impact.” ([Location 525](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=525)) > Connect your work to a compelling purpose. ([Location 557](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=557)) > Invest in positive relationships. Relationships can help increase a sense of meaning. ([Location 562](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=562)) > If you’re feeling anxious, learning something new might be a more effective way of counteracting stress than simply relaxing. ([Location 601](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=601)) > If you want to care more about something, put time and effort into it. This is called the IKEA effect: ([Location 608](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=608)) > You don’t enjoy working with your coworkers ([Location 642](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=642)) > Not all work friends fulfill the same need. We’ll cover three types: the confidant, the inspiration, and the frenemy. ([Location 648](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=648)) > The frenemy is both our friend and our benchmark within the organization. ([Location 673](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=673)) > People tend to fall into two categories when answering: segmentors and integrators. Segmentors draw a distinct line between their personal and professional lives. ([Location 691](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=691)) > Integrators don’t create boundaries between work and home. ([Location 693](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=693)) > Prevent silos from forming. IDEO structures all of its teams to include designers from different disciplines, so each team is cross-functional. ([Location 712](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=712)) > Spend casual time together. ([Location 718](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=718)) > Decision Making Emotion is part of the equation: Why good decisions rely on examining your emotions ([Location 732](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=732)) > But emotions aren’t mystical signals; they’re based on expertise, experience, and rapid information processing (the psychologist William James described gut feelings as “felt knowledge”). ([Location 763](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=763)) > One giant caveat to our rule “emotion is part of the equation”: you should never rely on your gut when hiring. ([Location 892](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=892)) > Why shouldn’t we hire people who make us feel good? It’s because the spark we feel while talking to someone has little to do with whether or not they’re the best person for (or even able to do) the job. ([Location 897](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=897)) > Always conduct a structured interview: start by writing a list of questions and then create a scale by which you can assess responses fairly. ([Location 918](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=918)) > if you don’t standardize the interview process, you can’t objectively compare answers. ([Location 922](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=922)) > Ask for work samples. ([Location 939](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=939)) > Make interviewers give each candidate a numerical likability score. ([Location 946](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=946)) > Make hiring a group decision. ([Location 947](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=947)) > A DECISION-MAKING CHECKLIST ([Location 970](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=970)) > TAKEAWAYS ([Location 1018](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1018)) > Recognize that listening to your feelings is not the same as acting on your feelings. ([Location 1019](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1019)) > Keep relevant emotions (those related to the decision you’re facing); toss irrelevant emotions (those unrelated to the decision you’re facing). ([Location 1021](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1021)) > Do not rely on emotion when deciding whether or not to hire a candidate. Use structured interviews to reduce biased hiring decisions. Before an external negotiation, come to an inner consensus. ([Location 1022](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1022)) > work: Psychological safety first. In this chapter, we’ll show you how to build a team whose members feel safe throwing out ideas, taking risks, and asking questions. ([Location 1038](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1038)) > “The ‘who’ part of the equation didn’t seem to matter.’’ What mattered was the “how”: the best teams were those whose members respected one another’s ideas. People on these teams had psychological safety: they felt they could suggest ideas, admit mistakes, and take risks without being embarrassed by the group. To find out if your team is psychologically safe, see our flash assessment on this page. ([Location 1051](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1051)) > Psychological safety also helps your team get to burstiness, when group members build on one another’s ideas so rapidly the room feels like it’s bursting with creativity. ([Location 1074](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1074)) > highly creative teams tend to be more “bursty,” as members contribute ideas freely and quickly. ([Location 1076](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1076)) > Encourage open discussion. Questions like “What does everyone think?” or “Does anyone disagree?” do not effectively invite opposing viewpoints. ([Location 1090](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1090)) > Suggest a bad ideas brainstorm. ([Location 1095](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1095)) > This exercise takes the pressure off and allows team members to be silly and adventurous. ([Location 1096](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1096)) > Ask clarifying questions (to make it okay for others to do the same). When team members use acronyms or jargon, ask them to explain (and avoid using them yourself). ([Location 1097](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1097)) > Use generative language. If someone has an interesting suggestion, respond with, “Let’s try it!” If you like the gist of someone’s idea, say, “Building on that idea . . .” or borrow from the world of improv and make “Yes and . . .” your catchphrase. ([Location 1099](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1099)) > Create team agreements. ([Location 1103](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1103)) > how you’ll treat one another. ([Location 1103](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1103)) > Ask your team how you can help. ([Location 1105](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1105)) > Balance activities with communication. ([Location 1107](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1107)) > Ask questions that get to a deeper level. ([Location 1112](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1112)) > User Manuals The best way to navigate potential conflict is to preemptively create structures that help communicate preferences and work styles. Many of the CEOs interviewed by New York Times columnist Adam Bryant create “user manuals” or “how to work with me” guides to make collaboration easier. ([Location 1142](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1142)) > WHAT EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT YOU: What are some honest, unfiltered things about you? What drives you nuts? What are your quirks? What qualities do you particularly value in people who work with you? What are some things that people might misunderstand about you that you should clarify? HOW TO WORK WITH YOU: What’s the best way to communicate with you? What hours do we want to work together? Where and how do we want to work? (Same room, what kinds of meetings, what kinds of file sharing?) What are our goals for this team? What are our concerns about this team? How will we make decisions? What types of decisions need consensus? How will we deal with conflict? How do we want to give and receive feedback? (One-on-one, in a group, informally, or during a specified time each week—like at a retrospective?) ([Location 1147](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1147)) > you’re probably either a Seeker (you like to argue) or an Avoider (you’d rather eat a slug than deal with confrontation). ([Location 1176](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1176)) > Avoiders should remember that Seekers don’t intend their comments as personal attacks or insults. And Seekers should remind themselves that confrontational debate might shut down input from others. ([Location 1182](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1182)) > Conduct premortems. Set aside half an hour at the outset of a project and have team members list everything they fear might go wrong. ([Location 1205](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1205)) > Conduct postmortems. If you had conflict during a project (or within a phase of a project), schedule time after the work is done to figure out why there was conflict. Come together as a team to share what could have gone better and why—and brainstorm how you can avoid these issues in the future. ([Location 1209](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1209)) > Understand your biases. ([Location 1211](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1211)) > Invite structured criticism. A great way to make critiques generative is to ask people to share ideas that are either quick fixes, small steps that make a meaningful impact, or a way to rethink the entire thing. ([Location 1213](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1213)) > How to deal with jerks: ([Location 1261](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1261)) > Reduce how often you rub elbows. ([Location 1261](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1261)) > Have empathy . . . ([Location 1264](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1264)) > . . . but do not open up. A jerk may try to ruin your reputation or abuse your vulnerabilities by telling others about your limitations. ([Location 1265](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1265)) > Keep physical distance. ([Location 1266](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1266)) > Keep mental distance. Try an imagination-based time-travel technique called temporal distancing. “Imagine it is a day, a week, or a year later,” writes Bob Sutton. “And you are looking back on it, and it really didn’t last that long or wasn’t nearly as bad as it seemed at the time.” ([Location 1268](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1268)) > If you’re a manager, get rid of them. ([Location 1270](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1270)) > A dissenter is a contrarian who points out every hole in the proposed plan but has no alternative suggestions. ([Location 1277](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1277)) > How to deal with dissenters: ([Location 1285](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1285)) > Listen but set limits. ([Location 1286](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1286)) > Seek more information. ([Location 1287](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1287)) > Combat negativity. Jon Katzenbach, author of The Wisdom of Teams, advises that teams should be at least as positive as they are negative. ([Location 1289](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1289)) > How to deal with slackers: ([Location 1305](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1305)) > Figure out why the team member is slacking. ([Location 1306](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1306)) > Divide into duos. ([Location 1307](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1307)) > Evaluate team members on an individual basis. ([Location 1309](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1309)) > Talk to your manager about the slacker. ([Location 1311](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1311)) > To talk about feelings without letting them hijack the discussion, business school students at Stanford learn to use the phrase, ”When you , I feel .” “This avoids creating a victim and a perpetrator,” ([Location 1383](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1383)) --- Title: No Hard Feelings Author: Liz Fosslien, Mollie West Duffy Tags: readwise, books date: 2024-01-30 --- # No Hard Feelings  Author:: Liz Fosslien, Mollie West Duffy ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > Crying can sometimes seem manipulative or calculated. But Schultz had the emotional intelligence to pair this moment of vulnerability with a reassuring follow-up: ([Location 53](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=53)) > Be less passionate about your job: Why taking a chill pill makes you healthier ([Location 153](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=153)) > Caring too much about a job is unhelpful and unhealthy. It makes small problems seem exceptional and throwaway remarks feel appalling. ([Location 161](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=161)) > That’s why we came up with the first new rule of emotion at work: Be less passionate about your job. ([Location 163](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=163)) > “Be less passionate about your job” doesn’t mean “stop caring about work.” It means care more about yourself. It means carve out time for the people you love, for exercise, and for a guilt-free vacation. ([Location 168](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=168)) > Take a night off: Scheduling leisure time throughout the workweek is just as important as taking vacation—and often easier to swing. ([Location 212](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=212)) > Block off a day: One day every week, Liz does not let herself schedule meetings, calls, or even social events. ([Location 222](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=222)) > Make room for minibreaks: Stepping away from your desk for even five minutes helps you relax—and stay focused. Danish students who were given a short break before taking ([Location 225](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=225)) > Set up an after-work ritual: Your brain will benefit from a signal that tells it, “Work is over!” Some ideas: walk or bike home (even brief periods of light exercise are good for you), meditate on your commute, listen to music, read a magazine, or lift weights (some studies show weight training boosts your mood more than cardio). ([Location 229](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=229)) > Many people are overly enthusiastic about optimizing free time. Stop falling into the type-A trap of compulsively making your hobbies more work than work. ([Location 239](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=239)) > day. Studies show when we mathematize our experiences—by tracking our steps or measuring miles hiked—we don’t enjoy them as much. ([Location 242](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=242)) > Get comfortable with being rigorously unproductive once in a while. ([Location 244](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=244)) > The busier we are, the more important we feel. ([Location 252](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=252)) > According to psychologist Christina Maslach, these are the top three signs of burnout: ([Location 263](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=263)) > Emotional exhaustion: You feel chronically drained. You have trouble sleeping and constantly get head colds. Depersonalization: You’ve become cynical and callous toward your colleagues. Small things (chewing, loud typing, spelling errors) irritate you more than they used to. Lethargy: You feel ineffective and disconnected from the projects you used to find fun; you’re just going through the motions. ([Location 265](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=265)) > As psychologist William James writes, “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” ([Location 348](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=348)) > Chronic venting, when you rehash the same problems without trying to understand or solve them, makes you and the people listening to you feel worse. ([Location 355](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=355)) > Psychologist Martin Seligman identified the “three Ps” we tend to focus on after a negative event: Personalization: thinking that the event is all your fault Pervasiveness: thinking that the event is going to ruin every aspect of your life Permanence: thinking you are going to feel like this (e.g., bad) forever ([Location 386](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=386)) > Results-Only Work Environment (ROWE) program—which ([Location 441](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=441)) > four main reasons why you might be lacking motivation: (1) you have no control over your work; (2) you don’t find what you do meaningful; (3) you’ve stopped viewing work as a place to learn; and (4) you don’t like your coworkers. These are thorny problems, so this chapter might feel more prescriptive than others. ([Location 470](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=470)) > ‘Is there one small thing within my own realm I can do differently tomorrow?’ ([Location 488](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=488)) > How to increase autonomy: ([Location 510](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=510)) > Ask your manager to define outcomes rather than processes. ([Location 511](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=511)) > Focus on small wins. Crossing something as small as “Answer Caitlin’s email” off a to-do list energizes us. ([Location 513](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=513)) > Ask open-ended questions. Employees at IDEO start brainstorms with, “How might we . . . ?” ([Location 516](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=516)) > If you’re a manager, hold office hours. ([Location 519](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=519)) > “People want to feel like they’re contributing,” notes Ariely. “They want a sense of purpose, a sense that work itself has an impact.” ([Location 525](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=525)) > Connect your work to a compelling purpose. ([Location 557](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=557)) > Invest in positive relationships. Relationships can help increase a sense of meaning. ([Location 562](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=562)) > If you’re feeling anxious, learning something new might be a more effective way of counteracting stress than simply relaxing. ([Location 601](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=601)) > If you want to care more about something, put time and effort into it. This is called the IKEA effect: ([Location 608](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=608)) > You don’t enjoy working with your coworkers ([Location 642](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=642)) > Not all work friends fulfill the same need. We’ll cover three types: the confidant, the inspiration, and the frenemy. ([Location 648](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=648)) > The frenemy is both our friend and our benchmark within the organization. ([Location 673](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=673)) > People tend to fall into two categories when answering: segmentors and integrators. Segmentors draw a distinct line between their personal and professional lives. ([Location 691](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=691)) > Integrators don’t create boundaries between work and home. ([Location 693](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=693)) > Prevent silos from forming. IDEO structures all of its teams to include designers from different disciplines, so each team is cross-functional. ([Location 712](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=712)) > Spend casual time together. ([Location 718](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=718)) > Decision Making Emotion is part of the equation: Why good decisions rely on examining your emotions ([Location 732](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=732)) > But emotions aren’t mystical signals; they’re based on expertise, experience, and rapid information processing (the psychologist William James described gut feelings as “felt knowledge”). ([Location 763](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=763)) > One giant caveat to our rule “emotion is part of the equation”: you should never rely on your gut when hiring. ([Location 892](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=892)) > Why shouldn’t we hire people who make us feel good? It’s because the spark we feel while talking to someone has little to do with whether or not they’re the best person for (or even able to do) the job. ([Location 897](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=897)) > Always conduct a structured interview: start by writing a list of questions and then create a scale by which you can assess responses fairly. ([Location 918](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=918)) > if you don’t standardize the interview process, you can’t objectively compare answers. ([Location 922](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=922)) > Ask for work samples. ([Location 939](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=939)) > Make interviewers give each candidate a numerical likability score. ([Location 946](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=946)) > Make hiring a group decision. ([Location 947](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=947)) > A DECISION-MAKING CHECKLIST ([Location 970](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=970)) > TAKEAWAYS ([Location 1018](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1018)) > Recognize that listening to your feelings is not the same as acting on your feelings. ([Location 1019](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1019)) > Keep relevant emotions (those related to the decision you’re facing); toss irrelevant emotions (those unrelated to the decision you’re facing). ([Location 1021](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1021)) > Do not rely on emotion when deciding whether or not to hire a candidate. Use structured interviews to reduce biased hiring decisions. Before an external negotiation, come to an inner consensus. ([Location 1022](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1022)) > work: Psychological safety first. In this chapter, we’ll show you how to build a team whose members feel safe throwing out ideas, taking risks, and asking questions. ([Location 1038](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1038)) > “The ‘who’ part of the equation didn’t seem to matter.’’ What mattered was the “how”: the best teams were those whose members respected one another’s ideas. People on these teams had psychological safety: they felt they could suggest ideas, admit mistakes, and take risks without being embarrassed by the group. To find out if your team is psychologically safe, see our flash assessment on this page. ([Location 1051](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1051)) > Psychological safety also helps your team get to burstiness, when group members build on one another’s ideas so rapidly the room feels like it’s bursting with creativity. ([Location 1074](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1074)) > highly creative teams tend to be more “bursty,” as members contribute ideas freely and quickly. ([Location 1076](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1076)) > Encourage open discussion. Questions like “What does everyone think?” or “Does anyone disagree?” do not effectively invite opposing viewpoints. ([Location 1090](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1090)) > Suggest a bad ideas brainstorm. ([Location 1095](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1095)) > This exercise takes the pressure off and allows team members to be silly and adventurous. ([Location 1096](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1096)) > Ask clarifying questions (to make it okay for others to do the same). When team members use acronyms or jargon, ask them to explain (and avoid using them yourself). ([Location 1097](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1097)) > Use generative language. If someone has an interesting suggestion, respond with, “Let’s try it!” If you like the gist of someone’s idea, say, “Building on that idea . . .” or borrow from the world of improv and make “Yes and . . .” your catchphrase. ([Location 1099](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1099)) > Create team agreements. ([Location 1103](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1103)) > how you’ll treat one another. ([Location 1103](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1103)) > Ask your team how you can help. ([Location 1105](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1105)) > Balance activities with communication. ([Location 1107](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1107)) > Ask questions that get to a deeper level. ([Location 1112](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1112)) > User Manuals The best way to navigate potential conflict is to preemptively create structures that help communicate preferences and work styles. Many of the CEOs interviewed by New York Times columnist Adam Bryant create “user manuals” or “how to work with me” guides to make collaboration easier. ([Location 1142](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1142)) > WHAT EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT YOU: What are some honest, unfiltered things about you? What drives you nuts? What are your quirks? What qualities do you particularly value in people who work with you? What are some things that people might misunderstand about you that you should clarify? HOW TO WORK WITH YOU: What’s the best way to communicate with you? What hours do we want to work together? Where and how do we want to work? (Same room, what kinds of meetings, what kinds of file sharing?) What are our goals for this team? What are our concerns about this team? How will we make decisions? What types of decisions need consensus? How will we deal with conflict? How do we want to give and receive feedback? (One-on-one, in a group, informally, or during a specified time each week—like at a retrospective?) ([Location 1147](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1147)) > you’re probably either a Seeker (you like to argue) or an Avoider (you’d rather eat a slug than deal with confrontation). ([Location 1176](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1176)) > Avoiders should remember that Seekers don’t intend their comments as personal attacks or insults. And Seekers should remind themselves that confrontational debate might shut down input from others. ([Location 1182](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1182)) > Conduct premortems. Set aside half an hour at the outset of a project and have team members list everything they fear might go wrong. ([Location 1205](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1205)) > Conduct postmortems. If you had conflict during a project (or within a phase of a project), schedule time after the work is done to figure out why there was conflict. Come together as a team to share what could have gone better and why—and brainstorm how you can avoid these issues in the future. ([Location 1209](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1209)) > Understand your biases. ([Location 1211](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1211)) > Invite structured criticism. A great way to make critiques generative is to ask people to share ideas that are either quick fixes, small steps that make a meaningful impact, or a way to rethink the entire thing. ([Location 1213](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1213)) > How to deal with jerks: ([Location 1261](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1261)) > Reduce how often you rub elbows. ([Location 1261](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1261)) > Have empathy . . . ([Location 1264](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1264)) > . . . but do not open up. A jerk may try to ruin your reputation or abuse your vulnerabilities by telling others about your limitations. ([Location 1265](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1265)) > Keep physical distance. ([Location 1266](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1266)) > Keep mental distance. Try an imagination-based time-travel technique called temporal distancing. “Imagine it is a day, a week, or a year later,” writes Bob Sutton. “And you are looking back on it, and it really didn’t last that long or wasn’t nearly as bad as it seemed at the time.” ([Location 1268](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1268)) > If you’re a manager, get rid of them. ([Location 1270](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1270)) > A dissenter is a contrarian who points out every hole in the proposed plan but has no alternative suggestions. ([Location 1277](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1277)) > How to deal with dissenters: ([Location 1285](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1285)) > Listen but set limits. ([Location 1286](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1286)) > Seek more information. ([Location 1287](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1287)) > Combat negativity. Jon Katzenbach, author of The Wisdom of Teams, advises that teams should be at least as positive as they are negative. ([Location 1289](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1289)) > How to deal with slackers: ([Location 1305](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1305)) > Figure out why the team member is slacking. ([Location 1306](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1306)) > Divide into duos. ([Location 1307](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1307)) > Evaluate team members on an individual basis. ([Location 1309](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1309)) > Talk to your manager about the slacker. ([Location 1311](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1311)) > To talk about feelings without letting them hijack the discussion, business school students at Stanford learn to use the phrase, ”When you , I feel .” “This avoids creating a victim and a perpetrator,” ([Location 1383](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B07CWGBZ4S&location=1383))