# Nonviolent Communication
Author:: Marshall B. Rosenberg
![[Nonviolent Communication.svg]]
## AI-Generated Summary
None
## Highlights
> Ahimsa, which is central to the nonviolent life. Ahimsa is usually defined as nonviolence, ([Location 284](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=284))
> Ahimsa closes this gap only by expanding a person’s awareness. The only way to resolve all violence is to give up your story. No one can be enlightened who still has a personal stake in the world—that could be the third axiom of Ahimsa. ([Location 295](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=295))
> Words Are Windows (or They’re Walls) I feel so sentenced by your words, I feel so judged and sent away, Before I go I’ve got to know, Is that what you mean to say? Before I rise to my defense, Before I speak in hurt or fear, Before I build that wall of words, Tell me, did I really hear? Words are windows, or they’re walls, They sentence us, or set us free. When I speak and when I hear, Let the love light shine through me. There are things I need to say, Things that mean so much to me, If my words don’t make me clear, Will you help me to be free? If I seemed to put you down, If you felt I didn’t care, Try to listen through my words, To the feelings that we share. —Ruth Bebermeyer ([Location 328](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=328))
### 1 Giving From the Heart The Heart of Nonviolent Communication
> NVC: a way of communicating that leads us to give from the heart. ([Location 375](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=375))
> NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. ([Location 379](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=379))
> I never feel more given to than when you take from me— when you understand the joy I feel giving to you. And you know my giving isn’t done to put you in my debt, but because I want to live the love I feel for you. To receive with grace may be the greatest giving. There’s no way I can separate the two. When you give to me, I give you my receiving. When you take from me, I feel so given to. —“Given To” (1978) by Ruth Bebermeyer from the album Given To ([Location 402](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=402))
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%%
## New highlights added May 7, 2024 at 12:43 PM
> The NVC Process To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the light of consciousness on four areas—referred to as the four components of the NVC model. First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like. Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. An awareness of these three components is present when we use NVC to clearly and honestly express how we are. Four components of NVC: 1. observations 2. feelings 3. needs 4. requests ([Location 422](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=422))
### 2 Communication That Blocks Compassion
#### Moralistic Judgments
> One kind of life-alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values. ([Location 559](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=559))
> Life-alienating communication, however, traps us in a world of ideas about rightness and wrongness—a world of judgments. ([Location 563](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=563))
> If someone pulled out in front of me in traffic, my reaction would be, “You idiot!” When we speak this language, we think and communicate in terms of what’s wrong with others for behaving in certain ways or, occasionally, what’s wrong with ourselves for not understanding or responding as we would like. Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting. ([Location 571](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=571))
> Classifying and judging people promotes violence. ([Location 601](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=601))
> Making Comparisons ([Location 607](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=607))
Note: h2
#### Denial of Responsibility
> Communication is life-alienating when it clouds our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. The use of the common expression have to, as in “There are some things you have to do, whether you like it or not,” illustrates how personal responsibility for our actions can be obscured in speech. The phrase makes one feel, as in “You make me feel guilty,” is another example of how language facilitates denial of personal responsibility for our own feelings and thoughts. ([Location 623](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=623))
> We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves: Vague, impersonal forces—“I cleaned my room because I had to.” Our condition, diagnosis, or personal or psychological history—“I drink because I am an alcoholic.” The actions of others—“I hit my child because he ran into the street.” The dictates of authority—“I lied to the client because the boss told me to.” Group pressure—“I started smoking because all my friends did.” Institutional policies, rules, and regulations—“I have to suspend you for this infraction because it’s the school policy.” Gender roles, social roles, or age roles—“I hate going to work, but I do it because I am a husband and a father.” Uncontrollable impulses—“I was overcome by my urge to eat the candy bar.” ([Location 633](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=633))
> We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice. ([Location 652](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=652))
> Communicating our desires as demands is yet another form of language that blocks compassion. ([Location 669](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=669))
> We can never make people do anything. ([Location 678](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=678))
> Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassionate communication. ([Location 684](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=684))
### 3 Observing Without Evaluating
> The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation. We need to clearly observe what we are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting our sense of well-being, without mixing in any evaluation. ([Location 722](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=722))
> When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism. ([Location 734](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=734))
> The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence. ([Location 768](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=768))
### 4 Identifying and Expressing Feelings
> When asked to express what he felt when this happened, the student replied, “I feel that it isn’t right to play music so loud at night.” I pointed out that when he followed the word feel with the word that, he was expressing an opinion but not revealing his feelings. ([Location 914](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=914))
> Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts. ([Location 952](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=952))
> Distinguish feelings from thoughts. ([Location 975](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=975))
> Distinguish between what we feel and what we think we are. ([Location 978](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=978))
> Description of what we think we are: “I feel inadequate as a guitar player.” ([Location 980](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=980))
> Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us. ([Location 989](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=989))
### 5 Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings
> The third component of NVC entails the acknowledgment of the root of our feelings. NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause, of our feelings. We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment. With this third component, we are led to accept responsibility for what we do to generate our own feelings. ([Location 1194](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1194))
> Four options for receiving negative messages: 1. blame ourselves. ([Location 1204](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1204))
> 2. blame others. ([Location 1209](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1209))
> When receiving negative messages, our third option would be to shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs. Thus, we might reply, “When I hear you say that I am the most self-centered person you’ve ever met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your preferences.” ([Location 1209](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1209))
> 3. sense our own feelings and needs. ([Location 1214](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1214))
> 4. sense others’ feelings and needs. ([Location 1217](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1217))
> Example 1 A: “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.” B: “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.” Speaker A attributes responsibility for his disappointment solely to another person’s action. Speaker B traces his feeling of disappointment to his own unfulfilled desire. ([Location 1220](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1220))
> It is helpful to recognize a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings: Use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that: “It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures.” “That bugs me a lot.” The use of the expression “I feel (an emotion) because … ” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I: “I feel hurt because you said you don’t love me.” “I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise.” Statements that mention only the actions of others: “When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt.” “Mommy is disappointed when you don’t finish your food.” In each of these instances, we can deepen our awareness of our own responsibility by substituting the phrase, “I feel … because I … ([Location 1233](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1233))
> Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …” ([Location 1245](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1245))
> The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the responsibility for one’s own feelings to others. ([Location 1246](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1246))
> of us experience three stages: (1) “emotional slavery”—believing ourselves responsible for the feelings of others, (2) “the obnoxious stage”—in which we refuse to admit to caring what anyone else feels or needs, and (3) “emotional liberation”—in which we accept full responsibility for our own feelings but not the feelings of others, while being aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others. ([Location 1391](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1391))
### 6 Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life
> Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want. ([Location 1527](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1527))
> To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back. ([Location 1612](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1612))
> Conversations often drag on and on, fulfilling no one’s needs, because it is unclear whether the initiator of the conversation has gotten what she or he wanted. In India, when people have received the response they want in conversations they have initiated, they say “bas” (pronounced “bus”). This means, “You need not say more. I feel satisfied and am now ready to move on to something else.” Though we lack such a word in our own language, we can benefit from developing and promoting “bas-consciousness” in all our interactions. ([Location 1677](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1677))
> To tell if it’s a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with. ([Location 1690](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1690))
> It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges. ([Location 1696](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1696))
### 7 Receiving Empathically
> The two parts of NVC: 1. expressing honestly 2. receiving empathically ([Location 1870](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1870))
> When we are thinking about people’s words and listening to how they connect to our theories, we are looking at people—we are not with them. The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing. This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from either mental understanding or sympathy. While we may choose at times to sympathize with others by feeling their feelings, it’s helpful to be aware that during the moment we are offering sympathy, we are not empathizing. ([Location 1912](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1912))
> Intellectual understanding blocks empathy. ([Location 1917](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1917))
> Paraphrasing After we focus our attention and hear what others are observing, feeling, and needing and what they are requesting to enrich their lives, we may wish to reflect back by paraphrasing what we have understood. ([Location 1949](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1949))
> When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs. ([Location 1972](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1972))
> There are no infallible guidelines regarding when to paraphrase, but as a rule of thumb, it is safe to assume that speakers expressing intensely emotional messages would appreciate our reflecting these back to them. When we ourselves are talking, we can make it easier for the listener if we clearly signify when we want or don’t want our words to be reflected back to us. ([Location 1988](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=1988))
> We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when (1) we sense a release of tension, or (2) the flow of words comes to a halt. ([Location 2068](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=2068))
### 8 The Power of Empathy
> It’s harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources. ([Location 2240](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=2240))
> The more we empathize with the other party, the safer we feel. ([Location 2247](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=2247))
> It may be difficult to empathize with those who are closest to us. ([Location 2335](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=2335))
> Empathizing with someone’s “no” protects us from taking it personally. ([Location 2343](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=2343))
> To bring a conversation back to life: interrupt with empathy. ([Location 2368](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=2368))
### 9 Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves
> NVC’s most important use may be in developing self-compassion. ([Location 2451](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=2451))
> Don’t Do Anything That Isn’t Play! ([Location 2553](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=2553))
> When I advise, “Don’t do anything that isn’t play!” some take me to be radical, even insane. I earnestly believe, however, that an important form of self-compassion is to make choices motivated purely by our desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, duty, or obligation. When we are conscious of the life-enriching purpose behind an action we take, when the sole energy that motivates us is simply to make life wonderful for others and ourselves, then even hard work has an element of play in it. Correspondingly, an otherwise joyful activity performed out of obligation, duty, fear, guilt, or shame will lose its joy and eventually engender resistance. ([Location 2554](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=2554))
> If we review the joyless acts to which we currently subject ourselves and make the translation from “have to” to “choose to,” we will discover more play and integrity in our lives. ([Location 2639](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=2639))
### 10 Expressing Anger Fully
## New highlights added May 19, 2025 at 9:08 PM
> I find that my cultural conditioning leads me to focus attention on places where I am unlikely to get what I want. I developed NVC as a way to train my attention—to shine the light of consciousness—on places that have the potential to yield what I am seeking. ([Location 388](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B014OISVU4&location=388))