# Polysecure  Author:: Jessica Fern, Eve Rickert, and Nora Samaran ## Highlights > Mononormativity This term was coined by Pieper and Bauer1 to refer to the societal dominant assumptions regarding the naturalness and normalcy of monogamy, where political, popular and psychological narratives typically present monogamy as the superior, most natural or morally correct way to do relationships. ([Location 160](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=160)) ## New highlights added August 31, 2023 at 11:23 PM ### Part One #### CHAPTER ONE AN OVERVIEW OF ATTACHMENT THEORY > As human infants, we are born into this world with an attachment system that wires us to expect connection with others. The creator of attachment theory, John Bowlby, called this innate expectation the attachment behavioral system and explained that it is one of several behavioral systems that humans evolved to ensure our survival. ([Location 290](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=290)) > Children who have a secure attachment style have generally experienced a family environment that’s mostly warm and supportive. Their parents or caretakers are available, accessible and responsive to their needs, enough of the time. ([Location 338](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=338)) > People with a secure attachment style experience a healthy sense of self and see themselves and their partners in a positive light. Their interpersonal experiences are deeply informed by their knowledge that they can ask for what they need and people will typically listen and willingly respond. It’s empowering to know that our actions are effective. ([Location 356](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=356)) > Bowlby conceived of the parent-child attachment relationship as having four essential features: proximity maintenance, separation distress, safe haven and secure base. ([Location 365](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=365)) ## New highlights added September 5, 2023 at 7:44 AM > Conversely, securely functioning adults are also comfortable with their independence and personal autonomy. They may miss their partners when they’re not together, but inside they feel fundamentally alright with themselves when they’re alone. They also feel minimal fear of abandonment when temporarily separated from their partner. In other words, securely attached people experience relational object constancy, which is the ability to trust in and maintain an emotional bond with people even during physical or emotional separation. ([Location 384](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=384)) > People with secure attachment are able to internalize their partners’ love, carrying it with them even when they’re physically separate, emotionally disconnected or in conflict. ([Location 391](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=391)) ##### When Attachment Needs Are Not Met > So far, I’ve described the optimal situations for attachment in childhood and then adulthood—but approximately half the time, this ideal is far from achieved, leading to the three different expressions of insecure attachment: avoidant, anxious and disorganized. ([Location 411](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=411)) ## New highlights added September 6, 2023 at 4:42 AM ##### The Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment Style > Avoidant Attachment in Childhood ([Location 472](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=472)) > The children who were classified with the avoidant attachment pattern were observed as being distant from their caretakers, showing little to no distress upon separation, expressing little interest in the parents upon reunion, and even showing little preference for being with their parents versus the stranger. These children were less likely to explore the room of toys and often preferred to play by themselves. ([Location 481](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=481)) > A child who had parents who were mostly unavailable, neglectful or absent adapted to their attachment environment by taking on a more avoidant style. Parenting that is cold, distant, critical or highly focused on achievement or appearance can create an environment where the child learns that they are better off relying on themselves. ([Location 487](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=487)) > Dismissive Attachment as an Adult ([Location 510](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=510)) > In adulthood, the childhood avoidant style is referred to as dismissive. A person who is functioning from a dismissive style will tend to keep people at arm’s length. Usually priding themselves on not needing anyone, people with this style will tend to take on an overly self-reliant outlook, valuing their hyper-independence and often seeing others as weak, needy or too dependent. Although they may present as having high self-esteem, people functioning from a dismissive attachment style often project unwanted traits onto others and inflate their sense of self to cover a relatively negative self-image. People with this attachment style have reported lower levels of relationship satisfaction, trust and commitment,19 as well as having more negative views about sex and lower levels of sexual satisfaction when married. ([Location 510](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=510)) > People with the dismissive attachment style will also tend to be highly linear and logical, showing many forms of competence and ability in the practical or professional realms of life. This overdevelopment of the logical brain can also create challenges with certain aspects of autobiographical memory—people with a dismissive attachment style might have little memory for childhood experiences, as well as simplistic narratives about their parents and childhood being “just fine.” ([Location 528](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=528)) > Statements that someone with a dismissive attachment style might make: My autonomy, independence and self-sufficiency are very important to me. I am generally comfortable without close relationships and do well on my own. I want to be in relationships and have some closeness with people, but I can only tolerate closeness to a limit and then I need space. I prefer not to share my feelings or show a partner how I feel deep down. I frequently don’t know what I’m feeling or needing and/or I can miss cues from others about what they are feeling or needing. I feel uncomfortable relying on partners and having partners depend or rely on me. I either struggle with making relationship commitments or if I do commit, I may secretly have one foot out the door (or at least have the back door unlocked). I am very sensitive to any signs that my partner is trying to control me or interfere with my freedom in any way (and I don’t like the word “sensitive”). I see myself or others as weak for having needs or wanting comfort, help or reassurance. During disagreements or in conflict I tend to withdraw, shut down, shut out or stonewall. I do well with the transition from being together with people to then being alone again, but once I’ve been alone for a while I can be slow to warm up to others or struggle with the transition from being alone to entering back into connection with someone. ([Location 546](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=546)) ##### The Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment Style > In Ainsworth’s Strange Situation Procedure, children who were classified as being anxiously attached were reluctant to play with the toys in the room even when their parent was present. They showed signs of distress and clinginess even before their parent left the room and struggled to settle down upon reunion with their caregiver. ([Location 559](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=559)) > Parents who are loving but inconsistent can encourage the adaptation of the anxious style. Sometimes the parent is here and available, attuned and responsive, but then other times they are emotionally unavailable, mis-attuned or even intrusive, leaving the child confused and uncertain as to whether their parent is going to comfort them, ignore them, reward them or punish them for the very same behavior. ([Location 563](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=563)) > When used to characterize an adult, anxious attachment is called preoccupied. People with this attachment style demonstrate an intense focus and heightened concern about the level of closeness in their relationships. A defining factor of the preoccupied style is how the person’s hyperactivated attachment strategy not only amplifies their attachment bids, but also intensifies their focus on their partners. Because of this, they may end up constantly monitoring their partners’ level of availability, interest and responsiveness. The partner of someone with a preoccupied attachment style may then feel like this constant tracking of relational misattunements and mistakes is controlling of them. But for the person with a preoccupied attachment style, this behavior is less an attempt to overtly control their partner than it is a symptom of their attachment system being overly sensitive to even the slightest sign they might be left. From their perspective, they’re not trying to control their partner; they’re just grasping for a relationship they’re afraid is slipping out of their hands. ([Location 590](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=590)) > Frequently consumed by fears of abandonment, people functioning out of a preoccupied style will easily give up their own needs or sense of self, yielding to the needs or identity of their partner in order to ensure proximity and relationship security. ([Location 599](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=599)) > A person with a preoccupied style can be uncomfortable, even terrified, of being alone. They often promote their own dependency on their partners (or they might promote their partners’ dependency on them) in a way that discourages doing things separately from each other. ([Location 606](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=606)) > If someone with this attachment style perceives even the slightest possibility that their partner is disconnected or disinterested, they can become demanding, possessive or needy for approval, reassurance, connection, contact, and greater emotional or sexual intensity. ([Location 611](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=611)) > From their partner’s perspective, the needs of the person with the preoccupied attachment style may seem insatiable. ([Location 613](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=613)) > Statements that someone with a preoccupied attachment style might make: I am comfortable with connection and usually crave it more than my partners do. I am very attuned to others and can detect subtle shifts in their emotional or mental states. I often worry about being abandoned, rejected or not valued enough. I tend to overfocus on my partners and underfocus on myself. When I am going through something, I tend to reach out and turn towards others to make sense of what I’m experiencing or to make myself feel better. I need a lot of reassurance that I am loved or desired by a partner; however, when my partners give me reassurance or show their desire for me, it either doesn’t register for me or I have trouble receiving and believing it. I tend to commit to relationships and get attached very quickly. I get frustrated or hurt if a partner is not available when I need them. I get resentful or take it personally when a partner spends time away from me. I do well with the transition from being alone to being together with partners, but I struggle when going from being together to being alone again. I tend to hold on to resentments and have trouble letting go of old wounds. ([Location 631](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=631)) ##### The Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style > avoidant. Some children displayed confusing, even chaotic, behaviors such as running towards their parent then immediately away from them, freezing up, hitting their parent for no apparent reason, rolling or throwing themselves on the floor, and more. ([Location 645](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=645)) > Children with a disorganized attachment style have an attachment system that seems to be hyperactivated and deactivated at the same time. They don’t display a consistent organized attachment strategy in the same way that children with a secure, anxious or avoidant style do. Instead, they seemed to lack a coherent organization of which strategy to employ, often vacillating between the anxious and avoidant insecure attachment styles. The disorganized attachment style is most commonly associated with trauma and it typically arises when a child experiences their attachment figure as scary, threatening or dangerous. ([Location 648](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=648)) > An important takeaway from this overview of attachment theory is the importance of securely attaching to others who will care for us. This is our first survival strategy because without the loving and attentive presence from others we would die. Accordingly, emotional attunement and connection are wired into us as basic human needs that persist through life. ([Location 760](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=760)) #### CHAPTER TWO THE DIFFERENT DIMENSIONS OF ATTACHMENT > FIGURE 2.1: Attachment styles expressed using the two dimensions of attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance. ([Location 785](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=785)) ## New highlights added September 7, 2023 at 3:15 PM > Another way to conceive of the attachment dimensions is not through their “dysfunctions,” but through their strengths and desires. ([Location 833](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=833)) > From this perspective, the dismissive style, which uses minimizing and dismissing strategies to dampen and cope with attachment distress, can also be seen as the strategy of someone who, when in less reactivity, is more aligned with their needs for autonomy and agency. In its healthier expression, people with a higher draw to autonomy can exhibit more highly developed abilities for self-sufficiency and competence in tending to the needs of the practical, logistical and material aspects of the world. They have the ability to compartmentalize emotions, which can be a very handy skill in certain circumstances. When these needs move too far outside of their healthy expressions, agency and autonomy can transform into feeling alienation and isolation, becoming emotionally unreachable, or refusing or even denying the need for connection or help from others. A person’s boundaries can get too rigid, and they may shut others out and shut themselves too far in. When this happens, the values of autonomy and agency distort into more of a reactive strategy than a skillful expression of a person’s needs. ([Location 851](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=851)) > A common predicament that arises in relationships is referred to as the distancer-pursuer dance. In this type of relationship, a person pairs up with their ostensible opposite from an attachment perspective, so one partner (the distancer) constantly seeks more space, while the other (the pursuer) constantly pursues more connection. As the distancer attempts to take physical or emotional space, the pursuer moves in closer to try to bridge the gap. The closer that the pursuer comes, the more the distancer pulls back, which then provokes the pursuer to move in even more. The pursuer never catches up, while the distancer never fully gets the breathing room they need. The pursuer fears that they will be abandoned, while the distancer fears being engulfed. ([Location 875](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=875)) ## New highlights added September 7, 2023 at 10:15 PM > In the book Loving Bravely, Alexandra H. Solomon defines healthy boundaries as the balancing point where you are able to both connect to another as well as be separate from another, maintaining your own energy and sense of self while your partner maintains the energy that is theirs. Similar to how we need both autonomy and connection to be in secure functioning, we need to have connection and protection in concert with each other to maintain healthy boundaries. Our boundaries begin to become unhealthy when we’re either underprotected or overprotected towards others, as well as when we’re being too connected or not connected enough. Solomon further describes boundaries as either being too porous or too rigid in terms of what we allow in from others and how we give outwardly to others. Porous boundaries arise when we are connected but not protected, and rigid boundaries stem from being protected, but not connected. ([Location 920](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=920)) > According to Solomon, when our boundaries are porous on the input, we are absorbing, and when they are too porous on the output we are intruding. When our boundaries are porous from the outside in, we are being too wide open. We let other people’s thoughts, opinions, preferences and judgments eclipse our own inclinations, wisdom or better knowledge. Absorbing is when we take in what is not ours, when we lack enough self-definition that we leave ourselves underprotected while being over-connected. When our boundaries are porous from the inside out, we become intrusive to others, trying to inhabit their skin or meddling too much in their business. We are intruding when we give unsought advice or tell people what they should or shouldn’t do in the name of helping them. ([Location 939](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=939)) > When our boundaries are rigid on the input, we are blocking and when they are too rigid on the output we are restraining. When our boundaries are rigid from the inside out we are obstructing input from others, whether that is their love, attention, feedback or requests. ([Location 949](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=949)) > When our boundaries are rigid from the inside out we restrain ourselves from expressing what is true for us internally. We restrain our feelings (positive or negative), thoughts, preferences, requests and even the affection we have for others. ([Location 953](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=953)) #### CHAPTER THREE THE NESTED MODEL OF ATTACHMENT AND TRAUMA > Attachment is related to this, since having a history of secure attachment acts as a protective buffer against trauma. ([Location 1006](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1006)) > The levels of home, culture, society and the collective all factor into how safe and secure we feel in the world, with others and within ourselves. If we fail to include these levels in our understanding of attachment and trauma, we run the risk of either reducing experiences that impact attachment to the self or relationship levels when they are actually occurring at another level, or we run the risk of missing these factors altogether. ([Location 1032](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1032)) ### Part Two #### CHAPTER FOUR CONSENSUAL NONMONOGAMY > Moreover, people practicing CNM typically embrace the following ideas and principles: love is not possessive or a finite resource; it is normal to be attracted to more than one person at the same time; there are multiple ways to practice love, sexual and intimate relationships; and jealousy is not something to be avoided or feared, but something that can be informative and worked through. ([Location 1320](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1320)) ##### Why Nonmonogamy? > increased need fulfillment, variety of nonsexual activities and personal growth. ([Location 1350](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1350)) > Instead of expecting one partner to meet all of their needs, people engaged in CNM felt that a major advantage of being nonmonogamous was the ability to have their different needs met by more than one person, as well as being able to experience a variety of nonsexual activities that one relationship may not fulfill. The other notable relationship benefit unique to people in CNM relationships was personal growth—people reported feeling that being nonmonogamous afforded them increased freedom from restriction, self and sexual expression and the ability to grow and develop. ([Location 1350](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1350)) > In addition to these reasons, I also see people consistently offer three other reasons for being nonmonogamous: sexual diversity, philosophical views and because CNM is a more authentic expression of who they are. ([Location 1362](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1362)) > The final motivation I see in my nonmonogamous clients is that people practice CNM because it just feels like this is who they are. For these people, nonmonogamy is not so much a lifestyle choice, as it is for some people, but rather an expression of their fundamental self. This group is more nonmonogamous as orientation than nonmonogamous as lifestyle. ([Location 1385](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1385)) ##### The Different Types of Consensual Nonmonogamy > plot some of the main relationship structures or styles within CNM based on the two dimensions of emotional exclusivity and sexual exclusivity. On the horizontal axis, we find high emotional exclusivity on the left and low emotional exclusivity on the right. The vertical axis has high sexual exclusivity at the top and low sexual exclusivity at the bottom. ([Location 1403](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1403)) > FIGURE 4.1: The different types of nonmonogamy. ([Location 1409](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1409)) > Monogamish: Coined by sex columnist Dan Savage, this term refers to couples who are mostly sexually and emotionally exclusive, but periodically engage in extramarital or extra-relational sex or sexual play. These exceptions might include occasional one-time hookups, sex with others while traveling apart, or even kissing other people at certain types of events. ([Location 1416](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1416)) > Polyfidelity: A romantic or sexual relationship that involves more than two people, but these people are exclusive with each other. ([Location 1419](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1419)) > Swinging: The practice of couples engaging in sexual activity with other couples, individuals or groups. ([Location 1422](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1422)) > Open Marriage/Relationship: A relationship where one or both partners in a relationship have sexual or romantic relationships outside of their primary partnership. Open relationships tend to be more focused on having sex and limiting the degree of emotional involvement with others in order to keep the primary, dyadic relationship as the first priority. ([Location 1427](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1427)) > Polyamory: The practice of having many (poly) loves (amory), where everyone involved is aware and consenting of partners simultaneously having multiple romantic and sexual relationships. People who identify as polyamorous tend to focus on the falling in love part of being nonmonogamous, where the intention of having multiple partners is to be in love and have multiple emotionally invested relationships. ([Location 1431](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1431)) > Hierarchical Polyamory: A subset of polyamory where there is a ranking system among romantic/sexual relationships and some relationships are considered more important than others. ([Location 1435](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1435)) > Prescriptive hierarchy occurs when a couple predetermines that their status as primaries will not change and all future relationships will be subordinate to theirs. ([Location 1445](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1445)) > Descriptive hierarchy is less about a given relationship prescription for the future. The term describes a hierarchy that might include several primaries that have emerged more organically and have become more domestically, financially or emotionally entangled than other relationships, but there is still an openness to things changing or new people entering the hierarchy. ([Location 1447](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1447)) > Nonhierarchical Polyamory: The practice of having multiple simultaneous relationships without imposing hierarchies. This means that there is no ranking system of primary and secondary. It means that no one person has extra influence over a person’s relationships, including veto power or more privilege because they live together or have been together longer. ([Location 1450](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1450)) > Solo Polyamory: An approach to polyamory that emphasizes personal agency. ([Location 1456](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1456)) > Relationship anarchists seek to dismantle the social hierarchies dictating how sexual and romantic relationships are prioritized over all other forms of love, and so people who identify as relationship anarchists make less distinction between the importance or value of their lovers over their friends or other people in their life, and they do not only reserve intimacy or romance for the people they have sex with. ([Location 1466](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1466)) > Poly Intimates: I’ve started to use this term for people who are sexually exclusive with one partner, but who are not emotionally exclusive with that partner in ways that a traditional monogamous relationship would typically disallow, be suspicious of or characterize as emotional cheating. ([Location 1470](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1470)) > Polyamorous and Asexual: People who identify as asexual (or Aces) experience little to no sexual attraction to others. Aces may or may not experience romantic attraction, and Aces may or may not choose to engage in sex or romance. Placement in this quadrant is specifically referring to people who identify as nonsexual asexual and romantically polyamorous. ([Location 1475](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1475)) #### CHAPTER FIVE ATTACHMENT AND NONMONOGAMY > polyamorous adults can have different attachment styles with different romantic partners that are independent of each other. ([Location 1529](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1529)) > When we rely on the structure of our relationship, whether that is through being monogamous with someone or practicing hierarchical forms of CNM, we run the risk of forgetting that secure attachment is an embodied expression built upon how we consistently respond and attune to each other, not something that gets created through structure and hierarchy. Secure attachment is created through the quality of experience we have with our partners, not through the notion or the fact of either being married or being a primary partner. ([Location 1558](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1558)) #### CHAPTER SIX THE IMPORTANCE OF ATTACHMENT IN CONSENSUAL NONMONOGAMY > When secure functioning is at play within CNM relationships, partners communicate well, trust each other, stick to their agreements and discuss wanted changes. They tend to have more compersion for their partners, they act respectfully towards their metamours and while they still do experience jealousy or envy, they are also able to support each other in the process. Jealousy becomes an opportunity for increased clarity and connection and it doesn’t take them or their relationships down. ([Location 1603](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1603)) > I call these people who thrive with their multiple partners polysecure. This is the state of being both securely attached to multiple romantic partners and having enough internal security to be able to navigate the structural relationship insecurity inherent to nonmonogamy, as well as the increased complexity and uncertainty that occurs when having multiple partners and metamours. More succinctly, being polysecure is having secure attachment with yourself and your multiple partners. Polysecure people are functioning securely both interpersonally and intrapersonally, ([Location 1620](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1620)) ## New highlights added September 8, 2023 at 12:16 AM > In a talk titled “Couples Transitioning from Monogamy to Polyamory,” I highlight six challenges that I see emerge in the paradigm shift from monogamy to polyamory ([Location 1674](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1674)) > Resistance to the paradigm shift itself. People want to change the structure of their relationship but don’t actually want the relationship itself to change and grow in the ways needed to make the paradigm shift. ([Location 1677](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1677)) > Insufficient skills. ([Location 1679](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1679)) > Couples never decoupled or went through healthy differentiation before they transitioned. Much of the mono-romantic ideal encourages forms of codependency, which can remain invisible and even functional for a couple until they open up. It is commonly believed and culturally reinforced that your partner completes you, that your identity should be fused with your partner or the relationship and that your partner is the main source of meaning, love and happiness in your life. True intimacy does not come from enmeshment, but from two differentiated individuals sharing themselves with each other. Trying to practice nonmonogamy while still enmeshed with a partner can cause much strife for you and anyone new you are trying to date. ([Location 1681](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1681)) > One partner being more nonmonogamous in orientation and the other partner identifying as nonmonogamous as a lifestyle choice. ([Location 1686](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1686)) > The paradigm shift creates an awakening of the self, where what was previously unexpressed and unrealized is now awakening in someone, potentially turning their entire world and relationships upside down. People may not just be waking up to their nonmonogamous desires or orientation, but also aspects of their sexuality, important identities or forms of oppressions that have previously been denied, exiled or completely unacknowledged. ([Location 1689](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1689)) > An attachment crisis gets catalyzed from the transition into nonmonogamy. ([Location 1692](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1692)) > Here are the ways that I see attachment disruptions occur in CNM: ([Location 1703](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1703)) > Going CNM can expose your individual attachment insecurity. ([Location 1704](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1704)) > For some people, monogamy can serve as a stand-in for actual secure attachment. Since the rules and structure of monogamy are so well-known and so strongly reinforced, many times all you have to do is fall back on the structure of monogamy itself to create a sense of safety in a relationship. ([Location 1705](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1705)) > Monogamy can also buffer us from our own personal insecurities. These may or may not be attachment-based, but can be rooted in relational and cultural traumas or anxieties about our achievements, looks, intellectual abilities, likability, etc. ([Location 1713](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1713)) > Going CNM can expose attachment insecurity in the relationship that is opening up. ([Location 1729](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1729)) > as the structure of monogamy is lifted, issues in the relationship that the couple didn’t have to face before can appear, or issues that were ignored or tolerated can no longer be ignored or tolerated in the new structure of nonmonogamy. ([Location 1732](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1732)) > CNM is inherently insecure. ([Location 1736](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1736)) > Unlike the built-in security that can ostensibly come from being monogamous, CNM is a relationship structure that is inherently insecure. In CNM, we don’t have the security of knowing that a partner is with us because they see us as the best, one or only partner out there for them. In CNM we may not be the only or first person that our partner turns to or the last one they say goodnight to. In CNM we are less likely to meet new partners when they or we are single and able to create a new life together. Instead, we often have to figure out how to fit together alongside pre-existing structures and commitments with other partners. Furthermore, in CNM we are opening ourselves up to people who could become game changers for us or for our partner. ([Location 1737](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1737)) > Having multiple partners can replicate the conditions of attachment insecurity. ([Location 1754](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1754)) ## New highlights added September 8, 2023 at 1:16 AM > Sue Johnson simplifies what we are looking for in our attachment relationships through the three questions: are you available, are you responsive, are you emotionally engaged? ([Location 1774](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1774)) > The partners who are receiving less time and attention will usually begin to feel uneasy, anxious or angry, and they will begin to protest. As they begin to voice their dissatisfaction that their partner is being less available, present or connected than the partner used to be, they may be told they are too jealous or needy. But their protest can actually be a healthy sign of their attachment system detecting too much disconnection and therefore acting up in order to course-correct. It’s the body’s inner guidance system indicating that important needs are going unmet. The insecurities arising for the partner who feels left out, left behind or no longer as important are not necessarily manifestations of jealousy. Rather, the situation and the relationship they find themselves in are no longer providing them with the same degree of attachment-based needs fulfillment that they have become accustomed to, triggering a more hyperactivated anxious preoccupied style. In such cases, sometimes just the awareness of what is going on can be enough for the partner who has been less attentive to re-engage. Other times, strategies for being less polysaturated and more present with each partner need to be implemented, or sometimes renegotiations about the level of involvement or commitment of the relationship are needed. ([Location 1786](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1786)) > CNM can activate the attachment system into primal panic. ([Location 1812](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1812)) > From the perspective of attachment theory, we need to be connected to people to survive, so our nervous system equates emotional connection with safety and emotional disconnection with danger or threat. ([Location 1813](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1813)) > When primal attachment panic gets mislabeled as jealousy, the partner experiencing it can be left thinking that there is something wrong with them, that this is their issue to figure out on their own and that they should be better at doing CNM. ([Location 1825](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1825)) > However, when people are able to identify this experience as primal panic, understand how it is rooted in their attachment needs, learn how to better self-soothe and address these attachment needs with their partner, a new path forward opens up together. ([Location 1830](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1830)) > There can be a mismatch of attachment expectations. ([Location 1832](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1832)) > When I see clients struggling with attachment anxiety because a partner gives mixed signals or is inconsistent in their responsiveness, support or availability, it is important to explore whether or not they are expecting this partner to be an attachment figure for them. If they are, then it is paramount for them to dialogue with their partner about whether or not that partner wants to be in the role of an attachment figure for them, as well as honestly assessing if the partner has enough time, capacity and/or space in their life and other relationships to show up to the degree required for being polysecure together. ([Location 1836](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1836)) > when someone casts a partner in the role of attachment figure, but that person is unable or unwilling to play the part, much pain, frustration, disappointment, heartache and attachment anxiety ensues. ([Location 1842](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1842)) > If the relationship is not going to be attachment-based, this doesn’t mean that someone no longer needs to have their attachment needs met in general, but the acceptance that a specific relationship is not going to meet a person’s attachment needs can relieve everyone involved and be an important step in finding or creating relationships with others. ([Location 1849](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1849)) > CNM can create new attachment ruptures. ([Location 1864](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1864)) ##### The Nested Model of Attachment and Trauma Applied to People Practicing CNM > People who wake up to themselves as being nonmonogamous as an orientation can have a similar coming-out process as people who come out as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Even though the realization that someone is nonmonogamous by orientation may come with much personal clarity, relief and alignment of who and how they are, the coming-out process can also bring with it an enormous amount of pain and confusion. ([Location 1891](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1891)) > Nonmonogamy can be a pressure cooker for growth. It is commonly and playfully known in the nonmonogamous world that you shouldn’t enter CNM unless you are ready to process, communicate, grow and then process, communicate and grow some more. This is because having multiple partners will expose all of your relationship baggage, your blind spots, shadows and shortcomings, and all the potential ways you’ve been asleep to social issues. Because of this, I’ve seen how nonmonogamy can actually become an accelerated path to growth, specifically when it comes to attachment, where it offers a path to healing that many people would not experience otherwise. ([Location 1979](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1979)) ### Part Three #### CHAPTER SEVEN THE FOUNDATIONS OF BEING POLYSECURE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS ##### Do We Want to Be Attachment-Based Partners? > The antecedent to being polysecure with your partners is first getting clear about whether you want to be attachment figures for each other. Our attachment-based relationships take time and investment, and so when referring to attachment-based partners I am referring to a choice that we are making to intentionally cultivate and tend to the attachment-based needs within a particular relationship. ([Location 2006](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2006)) > to follow through with what you’ve agreed to. For us to feel safe and secure in our relationships, we need to know that our partners want to be there for us and will be to the best of their ability, and so some level of commitment to being in a relationship together is important. ([Location 2026](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2026)) > In each of your relationships that are already attachment-based, or for the relationships that you would like to become more attachment-based, discuss the following questions with your partners: What does commitment mean to you? What aspects of commitment are most important to you (e.g., structural, emotional or public)? Why do we want to be attachment figures for each other? What does being an attachment figure look like to you? Do we each have the time and availability to offer this level of involvement? ([Location 2041](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2041)) ##### The Broad Strokes of Being Polysecure > Being a Safe Haven For Each Other ([Location 2048](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2048)) > This happens when our partners care about our safety, seek to respond to our distress, help us to co-regulate and soothe and are a source of emotional and physical support and comfort. ([Location 2051](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2051)) > Being a Secure Base for Each Other ([Location 2075](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2075)) ## New highlights added September 8, 2023 at 10:15 AM > A secure base provides the platform from which we can move out in the larger world, explore and take risks. This exploration facilitates our sense of personal competence and healthy autonomy. ([Location 2078](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2078)) > In simple terms, I see being a safe haven as serving the role of accepting and being with me as I am, and a secure base as supporting me to grow beyond who I am. ([Location 2087](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2087)) #### CHAPTER EIGHT THE HEARTS OF BEING POLYSECURE > The result is the acronym HEARTS, which I use to encapsulate the different ingredients, skills, capacities and ways of being required for secure functioning in multiple attachment-based partnerships. HHere (being here and present with me) EExpressed Delight AAttunement RRituals and Routines TTurning Towards after Conflict SSecure Attachment with Self ([Location 2138](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2138)) ##### H: Are You Here? > Physical proximity is needed for the development of attachment, since it is through touch and face-to-face contact that we forge bonds with each other, and it is by responding to a child’s cries with our own bodies that we inform them that they are safe and not alone. Voice also plays an important role in the attachment system. ([Location 2153](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2153)) ##### E: Expressed Delight > As adults, expressed delight is also needed to promote secure attachment and a healthy sense of self within the relationship. When our partners are able to articulate the ways that we are special and valuable to them, our interpersonal self-worth is supported. ([Location 2217](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2217)) ##### A: Attunement ## New highlights added September 8, 2023 at 1:16 PM > Attunement is a state of resonance with our partners and the act of turning towards them in an attempt to understand the fullness of their perspective and experience. Attuning to a partner does not mean that you have to agree with them and take on their experience as your own, but it does mean that you are willing to join them in their internal emotional world and their inner state of mind in order to empathize with what they are going through. Attunement is meeting your partner with curiosity, wanting to understand their feelings and needs. It is the feeling of being seen, understood and “gotten” by the other. ([Location 2255](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2255)) > R: Rituals and Routines ([Location 2290](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2290)) > Our attachment system is comforted by routine and regularity. In our relationships with our attachment figures, we tend to prefer partners who are more reliable and situations where we can experience the ease of generally knowing what to expect and not be surprised to the point of disruption. ([Location 2291](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2291)) ##### T: Turning Towards after Conflict > The Gottman Institute has conducted decades of research on couples and found that the main difference between happy couples and unhappy couples is not that happy couples don’t have arguments or make mistakes, but that they are better and faster at doing the repair work when breaches have occurred. ([Location 2361](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2361)) > Check out the R.A.D.A.R relationship check-in method as developed by the Multiamory podcast crew to support regular check-ins and conflict management. ([Location 2395](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2395)) #### CHAPTER NINE THE S IN HEARTS—SECURE ATTACHMENT WITH SELF > the establishment of a secure relationship with our self is needed to fully embody healthy attachment with others, ([Location 2418](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2418)) > Knowing how to stand securely on your own two feet and how to be your own safe haven and secure base is fundamental to building your internal secure attachment. I would say this to anyone practicing monogamy, but it is even more imperative in nonmonogamous relationships. In polyamory, we need the internal security of being anchored in our inner strength and inner nurturer to navigate a relationship structure that is considerably less secure. ([Location 2434](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2434)) > From the outside, it may look like people with avoidant attachment are able to self-regulate well since they are comfortable on their own, but usually they are not actually self-attuning and self-soothing as much as they are autoregulating—that is, partaking in activities that are more about zoning out or tuning out in order to dissociate from their internal states than tuning into and intentionally working with their internal states. ([Location 2575](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2575)) > Auto-Regulation (It just happens) Self-stimulation or self-soothing done more automatically than consciously. Autoregulation is done alone, so there is no interpersonal stress. Can be similar to overfocusing on an object or task and can be dissociative or zoning out. Examples: Thumb-sucking, averting eye contact, reading, doing art, watching TV, alcohol, drugs, masturbating, daydreaming, overeating, swiping or scrolling on your phone. ([Location 2579](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2579)) > External Regulation (You do it) Reaching for another to help regulate and soothe you. ([Location 2583](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2583)) > Interactive Regulation (We do it) Mutual or co-regulation with another where both people are regulating each other. ([Location 2587](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2587)) > Self-Regulation (I do it) Regulating one’s own state through active or intentional techniques that are self-soothing or stimulating. Ability to exhibit self-control through managing bodily or emotional impulses. Examples: Calming down through breath control, mental techniques (e.g., reframing), muscle relaxation, vocal control. Some of the autoregulation behaviors can also be examples of self-regulation when they are intentional. ([Location 2590](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2590)) > Preoccupied Focus on strengthening your sense of self. You can begin to do this through identifying your own values, needs, likes and dislikes. What makes you tick, what are your dreams, talents, callings and purposes? Exploring personality tests like the enneagram or Myers-Briggs as well as knowing your love languages can also support this process. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! The anxious style tends to have more porous boundaries regarding input where other people are defining you, as well as on the output where you are inserting yourself too far into another person’s emotional, physical or mental space. Creating more distinct, but not rigid, boundaries is important for learning how to stay in your own skin while being connected to others, rather than leaving yourself behind to be with others. Also, be aware of not letting other people occupy more of your internal space than you are. Recognize when you are abandoning yourself and learn techniques to come back into your own body and your own internal world. Body-based meditations and awareness practices can support you being better able to inhabit your own body. When co-regulating with partners, make sure that it is reciprocal and that you are not either over-caretaking at the expense of yourself or asking them to take care of you without regard for themselves. Work on being able to receive love. Even though someone with a preoccupied attachment style is more likely to complain that they are not getting enough love or attention, when it is given, they often struggle with how to really let it in and receive it. What obstacles or defensive mechanisms arise when love, connection or nourishment is actually being offered? Learn techniques to ground and work with your anxiety instead of projecting it onto others or directing your anxiety into the relational space. ([Location 2608](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2608)) #### CHAPTER TEN COMMON QUESTIONS AND FINAL THOUGHTS > In the nonmonogamous world there is a popular saying that love is infinite, but time and resources are not. This saying highlights the paradox of ultimate versus relative reality—love is not a finite resource, so it is possible for us to love more than one person at a time, but we are all in bodies that are limited to the relative realities of space and time, so having infinite partners is not actually possible. When thinking about attachment-based relationships, this phrase is extremely relevant and can be adapted to say that love is infinite, but secure attachment is not. ([Location 2807](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2807)) --- Title: Polysecure Author: Jessica Fern, Eve Rickert, and Nora Samaran Tags: readwise, books date: 2024-01-30 --- # Polysecure  Author:: Jessica Fern, Eve Rickert, and Nora Samaran ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > Mononormativity This term was coined by Pieper and Bauer1 to refer to the societal dominant assumptions regarding the naturalness and normalcy of monogamy, where political, popular and psychological narratives typically present monogamy as the superior, most natural or morally correct way to do relationships. ([Location 160](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=160)) ### Part One #### CHAPTER ONE AN OVERVIEW OF ATTACHMENT THEORY > As human infants, we are born into this world with an attachment system that wires us to expect connection with others. The creator of attachment theory, John Bowlby, called this innate expectation the attachment behavioral system and explained that it is one of several behavioral systems that humans evolved to ensure our survival. ([Location 290](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=290)) > Children who have a secure attachment style have generally experienced a family environment that’s mostly warm and supportive. Their parents or caretakers are available, accessible and responsive to their needs, enough of the time. ([Location 338](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=338)) > People with a secure attachment style experience a healthy sense of self and see themselves and their partners in a positive light. Their interpersonal experiences are deeply informed by their knowledge that they can ask for what they need and people will typically listen and willingly respond. It’s empowering to know that our actions are effective. ([Location 356](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=356)) > Bowlby conceived of the parent-child attachment relationship as having four essential features: proximity maintenance, separation distress, safe haven and secure base. ([Location 365](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=365)) > Conversely, securely functioning adults are also comfortable with their independence and personal autonomy. They may miss their partners when they’re not together, but inside they feel fundamentally alright with themselves when they’re alone. They also feel minimal fear of abandonment when temporarily separated from their partner. In other words, securely attached people experience relational object constancy, which is the ability to trust in and maintain an emotional bond with people even during physical or emotional separation. ([Location 384](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=384)) > People with secure attachment are able to internalize their partners’ love, carrying it with them even when they’re physically separate, emotionally disconnected or in conflict. ([Location 391](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=391)) ##### When Attachment Needs Are Not Met > So far, I’ve described the optimal situations for attachment in childhood and then adulthood—but approximately half the time, this ideal is far from achieved, leading to the three different expressions of insecure attachment: avoidant, anxious and disorganized. ([Location 411](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=411)) ##### The Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment Style > Avoidant Attachment in Childhood ([Location 472](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=472)) > The children who were classified with the avoidant attachment pattern were observed as being distant from their caretakers, showing little to no distress upon separation, expressing little interest in the parents upon reunion, and even showing little preference for being with their parents versus the stranger. These children were less likely to explore the room of toys and often preferred to play by themselves. ([Location 481](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=481)) > A child who had parents who were mostly unavailable, neglectful or absent adapted to their attachment environment by taking on a more avoidant style. Parenting that is cold, distant, critical or highly focused on achievement or appearance can create an environment where the child learns that they are better off relying on themselves. ([Location 487](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=487)) > Dismissive Attachment as an Adult ([Location 510](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=510)) > In adulthood, the childhood avoidant style is referred to as dismissive. A person who is functioning from a dismissive style will tend to keep people at arm’s length. Usually priding themselves on not needing anyone, people with this style will tend to take on an overly self-reliant outlook, valuing their hyper-independence and often seeing others as weak, needy or too dependent. Although they may present as having high self-esteem, people functioning from a dismissive attachment style often project unwanted traits onto others and inflate their sense of self to cover a relatively negative self-image. People with this attachment style have reported lower levels of relationship satisfaction, trust and commitment,19 as well as having more negative views about sex and lower levels of sexual satisfaction when married. ([Location 510](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=510)) > People with the dismissive attachment style will also tend to be highly linear and logical, showing many forms of competence and ability in the practical or professional realms of life. This overdevelopment of the logical brain can also create challenges with certain aspects of autobiographical memory—people with a dismissive attachment style might have little memory for childhood experiences, as well as simplistic narratives about their parents and childhood being “just fine.” ([Location 528](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=528)) > Statements that someone with a dismissive attachment style might make: My autonomy, independence and self-sufficiency are very important to me. I am generally comfortable without close relationships and do well on my own. I want to be in relationships and have some closeness with people, but I can only tolerate closeness to a limit and then I need space. I prefer not to share my feelings or show a partner how I feel deep down. I frequently don’t know what I’m feeling or needing and/or I can miss cues from others about what they are feeling or needing. I feel uncomfortable relying on partners and having partners depend or rely on me. I either struggle with making relationship commitments or if I do commit, I may secretly have one foot out the door (or at least have the back door unlocked). I am very sensitive to any signs that my partner is trying to control me or interfere with my freedom in any way (and I don’t like the word “sensitive”). I see myself or others as weak for having needs or wanting comfort, help or reassurance. During disagreements or in conflict I tend to withdraw, shut down, shut out or stonewall. I do well with the transition from being together with people to then being alone again, but once I’ve been alone for a while I can be slow to warm up to others or struggle with the transition from being alone to entering back into connection with someone. ([Location 546](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=546)) ##### The Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment Style > In Ainsworth’s Strange Situation Procedure, children who were classified as being anxiously attached were reluctant to play with the toys in the room even when their parent was present. They showed signs of distress and clinginess even before their parent left the room and struggled to settle down upon reunion with their caregiver. ([Location 559](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=559)) > Parents who are loving but inconsistent can encourage the adaptation of the anxious style. Sometimes the parent is here and available, attuned and responsive, but then other times they are emotionally unavailable, mis-attuned or even intrusive, leaving the child confused and uncertain as to whether their parent is going to comfort them, ignore them, reward them or punish them for the very same behavior. ([Location 563](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=563)) > When used to characterize an adult, anxious attachment is called preoccupied. People with this attachment style demonstrate an intense focus and heightened concern about the level of closeness in their relationships. A defining factor of the preoccupied style is how the person’s hyperactivated attachment strategy not only amplifies their attachment bids, but also intensifies their focus on their partners. Because of this, they may end up constantly monitoring their partners’ level of availability, interest and responsiveness. The partner of someone with a preoccupied attachment style may then feel like this constant tracking of relational misattunements and mistakes is controlling of them. But for the person with a preoccupied attachment style, this behavior is less an attempt to overtly control their partner than it is a symptom of their attachment system being overly sensitive to even the slightest sign they might be left. From their perspective, they’re not trying to control their partner; they’re just grasping for a relationship they’re afraid is slipping out of their hands. ([Location 590](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=590)) > Frequently consumed by fears of abandonment, people functioning out of a preoccupied style will easily give up their own needs or sense of self, yielding to the needs or identity of their partner in order to ensure proximity and relationship security. ([Location 599](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=599)) > A person with a preoccupied style can be uncomfortable, even terrified, of being alone. They often promote their own dependency on their partners (or they might promote their partners’ dependency on them) in a way that discourages doing things separately from each other. ([Location 606](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=606)) > If someone with this attachment style perceives even the slightest possibility that their partner is disconnected or disinterested, they can become demanding, possessive or needy for approval, reassurance, connection, contact, and greater emotional or sexual intensity. ([Location 611](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=611)) > From their partner’s perspective, the needs of the person with the preoccupied attachment style may seem insatiable. ([Location 613](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=613)) > Statements that someone with a preoccupied attachment style might make: I am comfortable with connection and usually crave it more than my partners do. I am very attuned to others and can detect subtle shifts in their emotional or mental states. I often worry about being abandoned, rejected or not valued enough. I tend to overfocus on my partners and underfocus on myself. When I am going through something, I tend to reach out and turn towards others to make sense of what I’m experiencing or to make myself feel better. I need a lot of reassurance that I am loved or desired by a partner; however, when my partners give me reassurance or show their desire for me, it either doesn’t register for me or I have trouble receiving and believing it. I tend to commit to relationships and get attached very quickly. I get frustrated or hurt if a partner is not available when I need them. I get resentful or take it personally when a partner spends time away from me. I do well with the transition from being alone to being together with partners, but I struggle when going from being together to being alone again. I tend to hold on to resentments and have trouble letting go of old wounds. ([Location 631](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=631)) ##### The Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style > avoidant. Some children displayed confusing, even chaotic, behaviors such as running towards their parent then immediately away from them, freezing up, hitting their parent for no apparent reason, rolling or throwing themselves on the floor, and more. ([Location 645](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=645)) > Children with a disorganized attachment style have an attachment system that seems to be hyperactivated and deactivated at the same time. They don’t display a consistent organized attachment strategy in the same way that children with a secure, anxious or avoidant style do. Instead, they seemed to lack a coherent organization of which strategy to employ, often vacillating between the anxious and avoidant insecure attachment styles. The disorganized attachment style is most commonly associated with trauma and it typically arises when a child experiences their attachment figure as scary, threatening or dangerous. ([Location 648](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=648)) > An important takeaway from this overview of attachment theory is the importance of securely attaching to others who will care for us. This is our first survival strategy because without the loving and attentive presence from others we would die. Accordingly, emotional attunement and connection are wired into us as basic human needs that persist through life. ([Location 760](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=760)) #### CHAPTER TWO THE DIFFERENT DIMENSIONS OF ATTACHMENT > FIGURE 2.1: Attachment styles expressed using the two dimensions of attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance. ([Location 785](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=785)) > Another way to conceive of the attachment dimensions is not through their “dysfunctions,” but through their strengths and desires. ([Location 833](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=833)) > From this perspective, the dismissive style, which uses minimizing and dismissing strategies to dampen and cope with attachment distress, can also be seen as the strategy of someone who, when in less reactivity, is more aligned with their needs for autonomy and agency. In its healthier expression, people with a higher draw to autonomy can exhibit more highly developed abilities for self-sufficiency and competence in tending to the needs of the practical, logistical and material aspects of the world. They have the ability to compartmentalize emotions, which can be a very handy skill in certain circumstances. When these needs move too far outside of their healthy expressions, agency and autonomy can transform into feeling alienation and isolation, becoming emotionally unreachable, or refusing or even denying the need for connection or help from others. A person’s boundaries can get too rigid, and they may shut others out and shut themselves too far in. When this happens, the values of autonomy and agency distort into more of a reactive strategy than a skillful expression of a person’s needs. ([Location 851](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=851)) > A common predicament that arises in relationships is referred to as the distancer-pursuer dance. In this type of relationship, a person pairs up with their ostensible opposite from an attachment perspective, so one partner (the distancer) constantly seeks more space, while the other (the pursuer) constantly pursues more connection. As the distancer attempts to take physical or emotional space, the pursuer moves in closer to try to bridge the gap. The closer that the pursuer comes, the more the distancer pulls back, which then provokes the pursuer to move in even more. The pursuer never catches up, while the distancer never fully gets the breathing room they need. The pursuer fears that they will be abandoned, while the distancer fears being engulfed. ([Location 875](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=875)) > In the book Loving Bravely, Alexandra H. Solomon defines healthy boundaries as the balancing point where you are able to both connect to another as well as be separate from another, maintaining your own energy and sense of self while your partner maintains the energy that is theirs. Similar to how we need both autonomy and connection to be in secure functioning, we need to have connection and protection in concert with each other to maintain healthy boundaries. Our boundaries begin to become unhealthy when we’re either underprotected or overprotected towards others, as well as when we’re being too connected or not connected enough. Solomon further describes boundaries as either being too porous or too rigid in terms of what we allow in from others and how we give outwardly to others. Porous boundaries arise when we are connected but not protected, and rigid boundaries stem from being protected, but not connected. ([Location 920](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=920)) > According to Solomon, when our boundaries are porous on the input, we are absorbing, and when they are too porous on the output we are intruding. When our boundaries are porous from the outside in, we are being too wide open. We let other people’s thoughts, opinions, preferences and judgments eclipse our own inclinations, wisdom or better knowledge. Absorbing is when we take in what is not ours, when we lack enough self-definition that we leave ourselves underprotected while being over-connected. When our boundaries are porous from the inside out, we become intrusive to others, trying to inhabit their skin or meddling too much in their business. We are intruding when we give unsought advice or tell people what they should or shouldn’t do in the name of helping them. ([Location 939](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=939)) > When our boundaries are rigid on the input, we are blocking and when they are too rigid on the output we are restraining. When our boundaries are rigid from the inside out we are obstructing input from others, whether that is their love, attention, feedback or requests. ([Location 949](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=949)) > When our boundaries are rigid from the inside out we restrain ourselves from expressing what is true for us internally. We restrain our feelings (positive or negative), thoughts, preferences, requests and even the affection we have for others. ([Location 953](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=953)) #### CHAPTER THREE THE NESTED MODEL OF ATTACHMENT AND TRAUMA > Attachment is related to this, since having a history of secure attachment acts as a protective buffer against trauma. ([Location 1006](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1006)) > The levels of home, culture, society and the collective all factor into how safe and secure we feel in the world, with others and within ourselves. If we fail to include these levels in our understanding of attachment and trauma, we run the risk of either reducing experiences that impact attachment to the self or relationship levels when they are actually occurring at another level, or we run the risk of missing these factors altogether. ([Location 1032](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1032)) ### Part Two #### CHAPTER FOUR CONSENSUAL NONMONOGAMY > Moreover, people practicing CNM typically embrace the following ideas and principles: love is not possessive or a finite resource; it is normal to be attracted to more than one person at the same time; there are multiple ways to practice love, sexual and intimate relationships; and jealousy is not something to be avoided or feared, but something that can be informative and worked through. ([Location 1320](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1320)) ##### Why Nonmonogamy? > increased need fulfillment, variety of nonsexual activities and personal growth. ([Location 1350](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1350)) > Instead of expecting one partner to meet all of their needs, people engaged in CNM felt that a major advantage of being nonmonogamous was the ability to have their different needs met by more than one person, as well as being able to experience a variety of nonsexual activities that one relationship may not fulfill. The other notable relationship benefit unique to people in CNM relationships was personal growth—people reported feeling that being nonmonogamous afforded them increased freedom from restriction, self and sexual expression and the ability to grow and develop. ([Location 1350](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1350)) > In addition to these reasons, I also see people consistently offer three other reasons for being nonmonogamous: sexual diversity, philosophical views and because CNM is a more authentic expression of who they are. ([Location 1362](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1362)) > The final motivation I see in my nonmonogamous clients is that people practice CNM because it just feels like this is who they are. For these people, nonmonogamy is not so much a lifestyle choice, as it is for some people, but rather an expression of their fundamental self. This group is more nonmonogamous as orientation than nonmonogamous as lifestyle. ([Location 1385](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1385)) ##### The Different Types of Consensual Nonmonogamy > plot some of the main relationship structures or styles within CNM based on the two dimensions of emotional exclusivity and sexual exclusivity. On the horizontal axis, we find high emotional exclusivity on the left and low emotional exclusivity on the right. The vertical axis has high sexual exclusivity at the top and low sexual exclusivity at the bottom. ([Location 1403](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1403)) > FIGURE 4.1: The different types of nonmonogamy. ([Location 1409](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1409)) > Monogamish: Coined by sex columnist Dan Savage, this term refers to couples who are mostly sexually and emotionally exclusive, but periodically engage in extramarital or extra-relational sex or sexual play. These exceptions might include occasional one-time hookups, sex with others while traveling apart, or even kissing other people at certain types of events. ([Location 1416](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1416)) > Polyfidelity: A romantic or sexual relationship that involves more than two people, but these people are exclusive with each other. ([Location 1419](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1419)) > Swinging: The practice of couples engaging in sexual activity with other couples, individuals or groups. ([Location 1422](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1422)) > Open Marriage/Relationship: A relationship where one or both partners in a relationship have sexual or romantic relationships outside of their primary partnership. Open relationships tend to be more focused on having sex and limiting the degree of emotional involvement with others in order to keep the primary, dyadic relationship as the first priority. ([Location 1427](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1427)) > Polyamory: The practice of having many (poly) loves (amory), where everyone involved is aware and consenting of partners simultaneously having multiple romantic and sexual relationships. People who identify as polyamorous tend to focus on the falling in love part of being nonmonogamous, where the intention of having multiple partners is to be in love and have multiple emotionally invested relationships. ([Location 1431](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1431)) > Hierarchical Polyamory: A subset of polyamory where there is a ranking system among romantic/sexual relationships and some relationships are considered more important than others. ([Location 1435](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1435)) > Prescriptive hierarchy occurs when a couple predetermines that their status as primaries will not change and all future relationships will be subordinate to theirs. ([Location 1445](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1445)) > Descriptive hierarchy is less about a given relationship prescription for the future. The term describes a hierarchy that might include several primaries that have emerged more organically and have become more domestically, financially or emotionally entangled than other relationships, but there is still an openness to things changing or new people entering the hierarchy. ([Location 1447](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1447)) > Nonhierarchical Polyamory: The practice of having multiple simultaneous relationships without imposing hierarchies. This means that there is no ranking system of primary and secondary. It means that no one person has extra influence over a person’s relationships, including veto power or more privilege because they live together or have been together longer. ([Location 1450](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1450)) > Solo Polyamory: An approach to polyamory that emphasizes personal agency. ([Location 1456](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1456)) > Relationship anarchists seek to dismantle the social hierarchies dictating how sexual and romantic relationships are prioritized over all other forms of love, and so people who identify as relationship anarchists make less distinction between the importance or value of their lovers over their friends or other people in their life, and they do not only reserve intimacy or romance for the people they have sex with. ([Location 1466](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1466)) > Poly Intimates: I’ve started to use this term for people who are sexually exclusive with one partner, but who are not emotionally exclusive with that partner in ways that a traditional monogamous relationship would typically disallow, be suspicious of or characterize as emotional cheating. ([Location 1470](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1470)) > Polyamorous and Asexual: People who identify as asexual (or Aces) experience little to no sexual attraction to others. Aces may or may not experience romantic attraction, and Aces may or may not choose to engage in sex or romance. Placement in this quadrant is specifically referring to people who identify as nonsexual asexual and romantically polyamorous. ([Location 1475](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1475)) #### CHAPTER FIVE ATTACHMENT AND NONMONOGAMY > polyamorous adults can have different attachment styles with different romantic partners that are independent of each other. ([Location 1529](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1529)) > When we rely on the structure of our relationship, whether that is through being monogamous with someone or practicing hierarchical forms of CNM, we run the risk of forgetting that secure attachment is an embodied expression built upon how we consistently respond and attune to each other, not something that gets created through structure and hierarchy. Secure attachment is created through the quality of experience we have with our partners, not through the notion or the fact of either being married or being a primary partner. ([Location 1558](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1558)) #### CHAPTER SIX THE IMPORTANCE OF ATTACHMENT IN CONSENSUAL NONMONOGAMY > When secure functioning is at play within CNM relationships, partners communicate well, trust each other, stick to their agreements and discuss wanted changes. They tend to have more compersion for their partners, they act respectfully towards their metamours and while they still do experience jealousy or envy, they are also able to support each other in the process. Jealousy becomes an opportunity for increased clarity and connection and it doesn’t take them or their relationships down. ([Location 1603](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1603)) > I call these people who thrive with their multiple partners polysecure. This is the state of being both securely attached to multiple romantic partners and having enough internal security to be able to navigate the structural relationship insecurity inherent to nonmonogamy, as well as the increased complexity and uncertainty that occurs when having multiple partners and metamours. More succinctly, being polysecure is having secure attachment with yourself and your multiple partners. Polysecure people are functioning securely both interpersonally and intrapersonally, ([Location 1620](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1620)) > In a talk titled “Couples Transitioning from Monogamy to Polyamory,” I highlight six challenges that I see emerge in the paradigm shift from monogamy to polyamory ([Location 1674](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1674)) > Resistance to the paradigm shift itself. People want to change the structure of their relationship but don’t actually want the relationship itself to change and grow in the ways needed to make the paradigm shift. ([Location 1677](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1677)) > Insufficient skills. ([Location 1679](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1679)) > Couples never decoupled or went through healthy differentiation before they transitioned. Much of the mono-romantic ideal encourages forms of codependency, which can remain invisible and even functional for a couple until they open up. It is commonly believed and culturally reinforced that your partner completes you, that your identity should be fused with your partner or the relationship and that your partner is the main source of meaning, love and happiness in your life. True intimacy does not come from enmeshment, but from two differentiated individuals sharing themselves with each other. Trying to practice nonmonogamy while still enmeshed with a partner can cause much strife for you and anyone new you are trying to date. ([Location 1681](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1681)) > One partner being more nonmonogamous in orientation and the other partner identifying as nonmonogamous as a lifestyle choice. ([Location 1686](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1686)) > The paradigm shift creates an awakening of the self, where what was previously unexpressed and unrealized is now awakening in someone, potentially turning their entire world and relationships upside down. People may not just be waking up to their nonmonogamous desires or orientation, but also aspects of their sexuality, important identities or forms of oppressions that have previously been denied, exiled or completely unacknowledged. ([Location 1689](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1689)) > An attachment crisis gets catalyzed from the transition into nonmonogamy. ([Location 1692](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1692)) > Here are the ways that I see attachment disruptions occur in CNM: ([Location 1703](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1703)) > Going CNM can expose your individual attachment insecurity. ([Location 1704](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1704)) > For some people, monogamy can serve as a stand-in for actual secure attachment. Since the rules and structure of monogamy are so well-known and so strongly reinforced, many times all you have to do is fall back on the structure of monogamy itself to create a sense of safety in a relationship. ([Location 1705](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1705)) > Monogamy can also buffer us from our own personal insecurities. These may or may not be attachment-based, but can be rooted in relational and cultural traumas or anxieties about our achievements, looks, intellectual abilities, likability, etc. ([Location 1713](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1713)) > Going CNM can expose attachment insecurity in the relationship that is opening up. ([Location 1729](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1729)) > as the structure of monogamy is lifted, issues in the relationship that the couple didn’t have to face before can appear, or issues that were ignored or tolerated can no longer be ignored or tolerated in the new structure of nonmonogamy. ([Location 1732](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1732)) > CNM is inherently insecure. ([Location 1736](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1736)) > Unlike the built-in security that can ostensibly come from being monogamous, CNM is a relationship structure that is inherently insecure. In CNM, we don’t have the security of knowing that a partner is with us because they see us as the best, one or only partner out there for them. In CNM we may not be the only or first person that our partner turns to or the last one they say goodnight to. In CNM we are less likely to meet new partners when they or we are single and able to create a new life together. Instead, we often have to figure out how to fit together alongside pre-existing structures and commitments with other partners. Furthermore, in CNM we are opening ourselves up to people who could become game changers for us or for our partner. ([Location 1737](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1737)) > Having multiple partners can replicate the conditions of attachment insecurity. ([Location 1754](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1754)) > Sue Johnson simplifies what we are looking for in our attachment relationships through the three questions: are you available, are you responsive, are you emotionally engaged? ([Location 1774](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1774)) > The partners who are receiving less time and attention will usually begin to feel uneasy, anxious or angry, and they will begin to protest. As they begin to voice their dissatisfaction that their partner is being less available, present or connected than the partner used to be, they may be told they are too jealous or needy. But their protest can actually be a healthy sign of their attachment system detecting too much disconnection and therefore acting up in order to course-correct. It’s the body’s inner guidance system indicating that important needs are going unmet. The insecurities arising for the partner who feels left out, left behind or no longer as important are not necessarily manifestations of jealousy. Rather, the situation and the relationship they find themselves in are no longer providing them with the same degree of attachment-based needs fulfillment that they have become accustomed to, triggering a more hyperactivated anxious preoccupied style. In such cases, sometimes just the awareness of what is going on can be enough for the partner who has been less attentive to re-engage. Other times, strategies for being less polysaturated and more present with each partner need to be implemented, or sometimes renegotiations about the level of involvement or commitment of the relationship are needed. ([Location 1786](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1786)) > CNM can activate the attachment system into primal panic. ([Location 1812](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1812)) > From the perspective of attachment theory, we need to be connected to people to survive, so our nervous system equates emotional connection with safety and emotional disconnection with danger or threat. ([Location 1813](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1813)) > When primal attachment panic gets mislabeled as jealousy, the partner experiencing it can be left thinking that there is something wrong with them, that this is their issue to figure out on their own and that they should be better at doing CNM. ([Location 1825](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1825)) > However, when people are able to identify this experience as primal panic, understand how it is rooted in their attachment needs, learn how to better self-soothe and address these attachment needs with their partner, a new path forward opens up together. ([Location 1830](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1830)) > There can be a mismatch of attachment expectations. ([Location 1832](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1832)) > When I see clients struggling with attachment anxiety because a partner gives mixed signals or is inconsistent in their responsiveness, support or availability, it is important to explore whether or not they are expecting this partner to be an attachment figure for them. If they are, then it is paramount for them to dialogue with their partner about whether or not that partner wants to be in the role of an attachment figure for them, as well as honestly assessing if the partner has enough time, capacity and/or space in their life and other relationships to show up to the degree required for being polysecure together. ([Location 1836](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1836)) > when someone casts a partner in the role of attachment figure, but that person is unable or unwilling to play the part, much pain, frustration, disappointment, heartache and attachment anxiety ensues. ([Location 1842](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1842)) > If the relationship is not going to be attachment-based, this doesn’t mean that someone no longer needs to have their attachment needs met in general, but the acceptance that a specific relationship is not going to meet a person’s attachment needs can relieve everyone involved and be an important step in finding or creating relationships with others. ([Location 1849](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1849)) > CNM can create new attachment ruptures. ([Location 1864](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1864)) ##### The Nested Model of Attachment and Trauma Applied to People Practicing CNM > People who wake up to themselves as being nonmonogamous as an orientation can have a similar coming-out process as people who come out as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Even though the realization that someone is nonmonogamous by orientation may come with much personal clarity, relief and alignment of who and how they are, the coming-out process can also bring with it an enormous amount of pain and confusion. ([Location 1891](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1891)) > Nonmonogamy can be a pressure cooker for growth. It is commonly and playfully known in the nonmonogamous world that you shouldn’t enter CNM unless you are ready to process, communicate, grow and then process, communicate and grow some more. This is because having multiple partners will expose all of your relationship baggage, your blind spots, shadows and shortcomings, and all the potential ways you’ve been asleep to social issues. Because of this, I’ve seen how nonmonogamy can actually become an accelerated path to growth, specifically when it comes to attachment, where it offers a path to healing that many people would not experience otherwise. ([Location 1979](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1979)) ### Part Three #### CHAPTER SEVEN THE FOUNDATIONS OF BEING POLYSECURE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS ##### Do We Want to Be Attachment-Based Partners? > The antecedent to being polysecure with your partners is first getting clear about whether you want to be attachment figures for each other. Our attachment-based relationships take time and investment, and so when referring to attachment-based partners I am referring to a choice that we are making to intentionally cultivate and tend to the attachment-based needs within a particular relationship. ([Location 2006](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2006)) > to follow through with what you’ve agreed to. For us to feel safe and secure in our relationships, we need to know that our partners want to be there for us and will be to the best of their ability, and so some level of commitment to being in a relationship together is important. ([Location 2026](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2026)) > In each of your relationships that are already attachment-based, or for the relationships that you would like to become more attachment-based, discuss the following questions with your partners: What does commitment mean to you? What aspects of commitment are most important to you (e.g., structural, emotional or public)? Why do we want to be attachment figures for each other? What does being an attachment figure look like to you? Do we each have the time and availability to offer this level of involvement? ([Location 2041](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2041)) ##### The Broad Strokes of Being Polysecure > Being a Safe Haven For Each Other ([Location 2048](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2048)) > This happens when our partners care about our safety, seek to respond to our distress, help us to co-regulate and soothe and are a source of emotional and physical support and comfort. ([Location 2051](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2051)) > Being a Secure Base for Each Other ([Location 2075](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2075)) > A secure base provides the platform from which we can move out in the larger world, explore and take risks. This exploration facilitates our sense of personal competence and healthy autonomy. ([Location 2078](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2078)) > In simple terms, I see being a safe haven as serving the role of accepting and being with me as I am, and a secure base as supporting me to grow beyond who I am. ([Location 2087](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2087)) #### CHAPTER EIGHT THE HEARTS OF BEING POLYSECURE > The result is the acronym HEARTS, which I use to encapsulate the different ingredients, skills, capacities and ways of being required for secure functioning in multiple attachment-based partnerships. HHere (being here and present with me) EExpressed Delight AAttunement RRituals and Routines TTurning Towards after Conflict SSecure Attachment with Self ([Location 2138](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2138)) ##### H: Are You Here? > Physical proximity is needed for the development of attachment, since it is through touch and face-to-face contact that we forge bonds with each other, and it is by responding to a child’s cries with our own bodies that we inform them that they are safe and not alone. Voice also plays an important role in the attachment system. ([Location 2153](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2153)) ##### E: Expressed Delight > As adults, expressed delight is also needed to promote secure attachment and a healthy sense of self within the relationship. When our partners are able to articulate the ways that we are special and valuable to them, our interpersonal self-worth is supported. ([Location 2217](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2217)) ##### A: Attunement > Attunement is a state of resonance with our partners and the act of turning towards them in an attempt to understand the fullness of their perspective and experience. Attuning to a partner does not mean that you have to agree with them and take on their experience as your own, but it does mean that you are willing to join them in their internal emotional world and their inner state of mind in order to empathize with what they are going through. Attunement is meeting your partner with curiosity, wanting to understand their feelings and needs. It is the feeling of being seen, understood and “gotten” by the other. ([Location 2255](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2255)) > R: Rituals and Routines ([Location 2290](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2290)) > Our attachment system is comforted by routine and regularity. In our relationships with our attachment figures, we tend to prefer partners who are more reliable and situations where we can experience the ease of generally knowing what to expect and not be surprised to the point of disruption. ([Location 2291](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2291)) ##### T: Turning Towards after Conflict > The Gottman Institute has conducted decades of research on couples and found that the main difference between happy couples and unhappy couples is not that happy couples don’t have arguments or make mistakes, but that they are better and faster at doing the repair work when breaches have occurred. ([Location 2361](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2361)) > Check out the R.A.D.A.R relationship check-in method as developed by the Multiamory podcast crew to support regular check-ins and conflict management. ([Location 2395](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2395)) #### CHAPTER NINE THE S IN HEARTS—SECURE ATTACHMENT WITH SELF > the establishment of a secure relationship with our self is needed to fully embody healthy attachment with others, ([Location 2418](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2418)) > Knowing how to stand securely on your own two feet and how to be your own safe haven and secure base is fundamental to building your internal secure attachment. I would say this to anyone practicing monogamy, but it is even more imperative in nonmonogamous relationships. In polyamory, we need the internal security of being anchored in our inner strength and inner nurturer to navigate a relationship structure that is considerably less secure. ([Location 2434](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2434)) > From the outside, it may look like people with avoidant attachment are able to self-regulate well since they are comfortable on their own, but usually they are not actually self-attuning and self-soothing as much as they are autoregulating—that is, partaking in activities that are more about zoning out or tuning out in order to dissociate from their internal states than tuning into and intentionally working with their internal states. ([Location 2575](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2575)) > Auto-Regulation (It just happens) Self-stimulation or self-soothing done more automatically than consciously. Autoregulation is done alone, so there is no interpersonal stress. Can be similar to overfocusing on an object or task and can be dissociative or zoning out. Examples: Thumb-sucking, averting eye contact, reading, doing art, watching TV, alcohol, drugs, masturbating, daydreaming, overeating, swiping or scrolling on your phone. ([Location 2579](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2579)) > External Regulation (You do it) Reaching for another to help regulate and soothe you. ([Location 2583](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2583)) > Interactive Regulation (We do it) Mutual or co-regulation with another where both people are regulating each other. ([Location 2587](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2587)) > Self-Regulation (I do it) Regulating one’s own state through active or intentional techniques that are self-soothing or stimulating. Ability to exhibit self-control through managing bodily or emotional impulses. Examples: Calming down through breath control, mental techniques (e.g., reframing), muscle relaxation, vocal control. Some of the autoregulation behaviors can also be examples of self-regulation when they are intentional. ([Location 2590](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2590)) > Preoccupied Focus on strengthening your sense of self. You can begin to do this through identifying your own values, needs, likes and dislikes. What makes you tick, what are your dreams, talents, callings and purposes? Exploring personality tests like the enneagram or Myers-Briggs as well as knowing your love languages can also support this process. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! The anxious style tends to have more porous boundaries regarding input where other people are defining you, as well as on the output where you are inserting yourself too far into another person’s emotional, physical or mental space. Creating more distinct, but not rigid, boundaries is important for learning how to stay in your own skin while being connected to others, rather than leaving yourself behind to be with others. Also, be aware of not letting other people occupy more of your internal space than you are. Recognize when you are abandoning yourself and learn techniques to come back into your own body and your own internal world. Body-based meditations and awareness practices can support you being better able to inhabit your own body. When co-regulating with partners, make sure that it is reciprocal and that you are not either over-caretaking at the expense of yourself or asking them to take care of you without regard for themselves. Work on being able to receive love. Even though someone with a preoccupied attachment style is more likely to complain that they are not getting enough love or attention, when it is given, they often struggle with how to really let it in and receive it. What obstacles or defensive mechanisms arise when love, connection or nourishment is actually being offered? Learn techniques to ground and work with your anxiety instead of projecting it onto others or directing your anxiety into the relational space. ([Location 2608](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2608)) #### CHAPTER TEN COMMON QUESTIONS AND FINAL THOUGHTS > In the nonmonogamous world there is a popular saying that love is infinite, but time and resources are not. This saying highlights the paradox of ultimate versus relative reality—love is not a finite resource, so it is possible for us to love more than one person at a time, but we are all in bodies that are limited to the relative realities of space and time, so having infinite partners is not actually possible. When thinking about attachment-based relationships, this phrase is extremely relevant and can be adapted to say that love is infinite, but secure attachment is not. ([Location 2807](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2807))  ## New highlights added December 19, 2024 at 9:37 PM > But if their attachment figure is unresponsive or inaccessible, and the child is left without a safe haven to turn to, they may adapt by either deactivating (turning down) or hyperactivating (turning up) their attachment needs. ([Location 314](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=314))  ## New highlights added December 28, 2024 at 12:17 PM > In my therapy practice, I often notice that people who are relating from the dismissive style initially describe their parents or current romantic relationships as being great, even ideal, but just a few minutes of deeper questioning into their actual childhood experiences or current relational patterns reveals that things aren’t actually so perfect. This occurs because the deactivation of their attachment system has made it difficult for them to access and consistently stay in touch with their true feelings. ([Location 532](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=532)) > When someone with a dismissive style starts to work on healing their insecure attachment, they must begin by no longer dismissing and distancing from themselves. This requires that they no longer deny their desires and needs, allowing the longings and wants for connection that have for so long been forbidden. ([Location 538](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=538))  ## New highlights added February 15, 2025 at 4:56 PM > Our boundaries are the meeting point between ourselves and another—the point at which we can be both separate and connected. ([Location 907](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=907))  ## New highlights added February 27, 2025 at 7:35 AM > They declare that they seek to have greater need fulfillment, want greater expression of themselves through the experiences and activities that will come from having multiple partners and say that they are interested in the personal growth and development that nonmonogamy inevitably catalyzes. Many people want to give and receive the additional love and support that come with having multiple partners. ([Location 1359](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1359))  ## New highlights added February 27, 2025 at 2:35 PM > In such cases, our self-esteem and sense of self-worth are contingent on our partner being monogamously committed to us instead of anchored in our own internal sense of self-worth, self-love and self-esteem. When people have depended on their partner’s exclusivity for their own self-confidence, going nonmonogamous can pop the cork on all of their personal insecurities, making it painfully difficult to manage the fears and threats that surface in relation to what it means for them or their partner to be dating again. ([Location 1718](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1718)) > In CNM, it is not necessary for all of our relationships to be attachment-based. There is a difference between being in a secure connection with someone and having a securely attached relationship. Secure connections are with people or partners who we don’t have daily or regular contact with, but with whom we know that when we reach out it will feel as if a moment hasn’t passed. We are secure in the bond that we have with such people, and this bond might be immensely meaningful, special and important to us, but it’s not necessarily a relationship that requires us to invest regular maintenance and attention. In CNM, these might be the partners we refer to as comets, satellites or casual. ([Location 1765](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1765)) > Securely attached relationships are based on consistency and reliability. These are the people who are there for each other in responsive and attuned ways more times than not. They are our “go-to” people who have our back and to whom we can turn when we feel hurt or threatened and or need support, comfort or reassurance. They’re the people we are excited to share our latest news or discoveries with. ([Location 1771](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=1771)) > Secure base partners will not only support our explorations, but will also offer guidance when solicited and lovingly call us on our shit. They function as a compassionate mirror for our blind spots and all the ways we may be fooling ourselves, whether through self-aggrandizement or self-limitation. ([Location 2082](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2082)) > We can express the delight we have for our partners through our words, our actions, our touch, as well as just the look in our eyes. Diane Poole Heller and her colleagues use the term beam gleam (also known as the attachment gaze) to refer to the nonverbal expression of warmth, kindness and love that radiates from our eyes, letting our partners know that they are special to us. ([Location 2220](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2220)) > In nonmonogamy, expressed delight is imperative. The paradigm shift from the monogamous mindset of I am with you because you are the only one for me to the nonmonogamous view that I am with you because you are special and unique, but not the only one, can be difficult to grasp. Even when people don’t want to be, the hangover of monogamous thinking often leaves people feeling competitive with their metamours and/or doubtful as to why their partners would want to be with them if they don’t have the specific qualities, circumstances, sexual interests or physical attributes that other partners have. Even when people have a healthy sense of self and esteem, they still need positive feedback as to why their partners cherish them and choose to be with them, especially when, theoretically, they can choose to be with many others. There is nothing wrong with needing to hear why you are wanted and valued by your partners and it is important for you to be able to communicate to your partners why they specifically matter to you. ([Location 2223](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2223)) > Flash your partner the eyes! You’d be surprised what just three seconds of the attachment gaze/beam gleam can do to fortify your attachment bond. ([Location 2247](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2247)) > The Gottman Institute also found that how skillful someone’s repair attempt was did not necessarily predict how effective the repair was. Repairs didn’t have to be perfectly executed as much as they had to be genuine. ([Location 2367](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2367)) > Things to Try and to Experiment With If a conflict begins over text, pause until you can either get face-to-face with each other or voice-to-voice, which will help in preventing further misunderstandings and spiraling out. ([Location 2383](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2383)) > Don’t be afraid to take a time-out if things get too heated. ([Location 2384](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B08F5L14MY&location=2384))