# Romancing the Shadow  Author:: Connie Zweig and Steven Wolf ## Highlights > Meeting the shadow in ourselves is disquieting because it tears holes in our masks. It causes us to act irrationally and feel ashamed, embarrassed, unacceptable, regretful—and to quickly deny responsibility for what we said or did. ([Location 207](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=207)) > Denial is entrenched because the shadow does not want to come out of its hiding place. Its nature is to hide, to remain outside of awareness. So the shadow acts out indirectly, concealed in a sour mood or sarcastic remark. Or it sneaks out compulsively, camouflaged in an addictive behavior. Therefore, we need to learn how to catch a glimpse of it when it appears. We need to sharpen our senses to be awake enough when it erupts. Then we can learn to romance it, to coax it out, to seduce it into awareness. Like a coy lover, it will recede once more behind the curtain. And again, with patience, we can invite it out to dance. This slow process of bringing the shadow to consciousness, forgetting, and recognizing it again is the nature of shadow-work. Eventually, we can learn to create an ongoing conscious relationship to it, thereby reducing its power to unconsciously sabotage us. ([Location 211](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=211)) > Shadow-work enables us to alter our self-sabotaging behavior so that we can achieve a more self-directed life. It expands our awareness to include a wider range of who we are so that we can attain more complete self-knowledge and eventually feel more genuine self-acceptance. It permits us to defuse the negative emotions that taint our loving relationships so that we can create a more authentic intimacy. And it opens the storehouse of creativity in which our talents remain hidden and out of reach. In each of these ways, shadow-work permits us to find gold in the dark side. ([Location 227](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=227)) > The body is wild, they say, like some unruly beast. Let it run loose and it will do terrible, perverted, aggressive things. ([Location 237](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=237)) > In this way an encounter with the shadow might become an initiation, a call to remember the multifaceted complexity of human nature and the fertile depths of the human soul. We need to start by acknowledging the dark side—but we do not end there. Ideally, an encounter with the shadow might open debate about pressing social questions and even bring about change in social policy. ([Location 251](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=251)) > In the tradition of Jung, we view the shadow as an archetype or universal blueprint in the human soul. At the center of every psychological complex, or emotionally charged group of unconscious images and ideals, lies an archetype, which holds these personal patterns in a larger story. ([Location 398](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=398)) > We use the term “ego” to signify the inauthentic “I” or self (with a small “s”) that develops to survive in difficult environments and to become acceptable to the conventional world. ([Location 416](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=416)) > unconsciously, the shadow knows its purpose: It seeks to make the unconscious conscious; it tries to tell its secret. ([Location 436](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=436)) > Most people, regardless of beliefs, can begin to make sense of their suffering by learning how to turn their most painful experiences into wisdom—by turning their baser elements into gold. By seeing the shadow’s patterns and purpose at work in your relationships, you will uncover an order in apparent chaos, a deeper meaning that ties together individual, family, and cultural stories. In effect, you will make room for soul. ([Location 511](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=511)) ### CHAPTER 1 ME AND MY SHADOW > • The shadow hides in our secret shames. To uncover the feeling of shame is to discover an arrow pointing straight toward shadow material, toward sexual taboos, bodily defects, emotional regrets—perhaps toward that which we would not dare to do but would secretly love to do. When shameful feelings are tucked away from those we love or even from ourselves, the shadow remains in the dark, out of sight of loving eyes and therefore unavailable for healing. What private thoughts or feelings most embarrass you? What trait do you wish to be rid of? In what ways do you feel unacceptable, dirty, or shamefully different? ([Location 785](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=785)) ## New highlights added September 1, 2023 at 4:23 PM > The shadow disguises itself in our projections, when we react intensely to a trait in others that we fail to see in ourselves. ([Location 790](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=790)) > We project by attributing this quality to the other person in an unconscious effort to banish it from ourselves. Whom do you hate or judge the most? What group of people most repulses or terrifies you? What is it that you cannot stand in a friend or family member? ([Location 793](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=793)) > The shadow lurks in our addictions. When we are in the grasp of compulsive behaviors, we aim, even unknowingly, to deaden shadowy feelings and to fill an invisible emptiness. Whether through alcohol, drugs, sex, work, or food, we disguise our deeper needs by creating the symptom of addiction and becoming deaf to the call of the Self. What do you crave most deeply? What desires do you attempt to control or limit when you succumb to the addiction? ([Location 796](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=796)) > The shadow blurts out in slips of the tongue. ([Location 799](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=799)) > The shadow erupts in humor, especially cruel jokes at another’s expense and slapstick antics. We howl at off-color remarks and laugh at the clumsiness of others, then shake our heads in wonder at our own responses, as if taken over momentarily by a surprisingly cold or cruel inner character. When have you been surprised or ashamed by your reaction to another’s demise? ([Location 804](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=804)) > The shadow wears the camouflage of physical symptoms. We may lie, but the body does not. We may forget an abuse, but the body does not. Like shock absorbers, our bodies absorb the wear and tear of emotional experience. We may defend against it, but our bodies take the heat. And slowly, over years, the patterns of stress and trauma accumulate. Inevitably, if we do not become conscious of the shadows lodged in our muscles and cells, they begin to tell their tales. What is your body trying to say? If your cells could speak, what secrets would they reveal? What betrayals? ([Location 807](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=807)) > The shadow rears its head at midlife. During that time, we do not need to go in search of the shadow; it comes to find us. Whereas the tasks of the first half of life typically involve creating stability in love and work, the tasks of the second half involve creating consciousness of that which has been neglected and ignored. Thus a midlife crisis often feels like the notorious dark night of the soul. Frequently, the result may mean instability in love and work, the feeling of running out of gas, the urge to flee for the unlived life. We suggest that the first half of life is for developing the shadow, while the second half is for romancing the shadow. What god or goddess is summoning you to a new life? In what ways do you yearn for a change? Where is the Trickster turning your established values and customary habits upside down? When you are eighty years old, what will you regret having done or not done? ([Location 811](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=811)) > The shadow dances through our dreams. ([Location 818](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=818)) > The shadow reveals its gold in creative works, which build bridges between the conscious and unconscious worlds. The arts have the power to loosen the tight grasp of the conscious mind, permitting unknown moods and images to arise. Writers and artists alike have helped to lift the veil and allow others a glimpse of the infinite richness of the shadow realm. ([Location 821](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=821)) > In a contemporary Faustian story, a woman client, who was driven by a need to understand everything, had maintained an overcontrolled, highly intellectual lifestyle as a philosophy teacher. In this way, she had successfully avoided the chaotic emotional world of her mother. ([Location 828](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=828)) > We begin shadow-work by tracing the roots of the characters in our personal history. ([Location 883](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=883)) > As we develop, our shadow characters pick up swords and shields—power, sex, money, addiction—to protect their identities, compensate for feelings of shame, and defend against further injury. First of all, the characters seek to compensate for their feelings of weakness, inferiority, incompetence, and powerlessness and for their fears of non-existence.So they devise ways to gain invulnerability by using a power shield to banish these uncomfortable feelings. ([Location 943](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=943)) > The cultural shadow is the larger framework in which the personal shadow develops. It helps to determine on a large scale—via politics, economics, religion, education, the arts, and the media—what is permitted and what is taboo, thereby shaping individual and family personae. ([Location 1012](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1012)) ### CHAPTER 2 THE FAMILY SHADOW: CRADLE OF THE BEST AND THE WORST > soul-centered family honors individual differences and may even welcome, rather than repress, conflict as grist for the mill. It encourages learning and exploration of new attitudes, feelings, and competencies, rather than imitations and conformity. It works together to meet challenges and plays together to share the joys of life. The family soul creates a safe psychic space in which to do shadow-work and recharge individual soul. ([Location 1158](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1158)) > Who in your family carries the anxiety? What makes you nervous, anxious, afraid? How does an anxious shadow character sabotage your intentions? What do you need to feel safe? ([Location 1248](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1248)) > Who in your family Carries the depression? Who denies it? What is the depressed character at the table trying to tell you? What are its deeper intentions? ([Location 1262](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1262)) > Who is the family addict? Who takes care of this person? Who denies the problem? What shadow issues are camouflaged by the addictive behavior? ([Location 1267](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1267)) > What are your family secrets? Who keeps them from whom? How does this reduce authenticity among family members and decrease family soul? ([Location 1346](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1346)) > How is the pie of family shadow split among your siblings? Does a sibling carry a quality that might enrich your own treasury? ([Location 1411](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1411)) ## New highlights added September 1, 2023 at 5:23 PM #### MONEY SHADOWS: INHERITANCE, SELF-WORTH, AND GREEDINESS > Her wealthy family had offered her every opportunity as a child: classes in art and ballet, designer clothing, and private schools. Propping up the family persona, Ruth had developed into a nice girl with nice parents in a nice house. But they had not offered her an opportunity to be authentic, to discover her own likes and dislikes, to express her own feelings and opinions. Instead, they told her constantly that she was a lucky child; she had so much that she had no right to complain. The burden of her parents’ expectation grew heavy. When Ruth behaved like a nice girl, she felt trapped. When she expressed herself even a little, she disappointed her parents and felt terribly guilty and, responsible for their feelings. Then she felt regret for causing their suffering. In her twenties, Ruth left home and did not look back. She became an extremely independent young woman, who fended for herself and needed no one, a condition sometimes known as counter-dependency. If her wall of autonomy were punctured even for a moment, she felt humiliated and smothered. Ruth came to believe unconsciously that if she accepted anything from her family, she would lose her own boundaries and her newfound identity, becoming once again a child without a voice, a subservient, well-behaved daughter. ([Location 1549](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1549)) ## New highlights added September 1, 2023 at 7:23 PM > As a result of discoveries in therapy, Roger realized that he took money from his dad because it was that which he believed his father loved the most. And as a child he had wanted more of his father, feeling angry and neglected most of the time. As a compensation, he unconsciously wanted to take something of value from his father for himself. ([Location 1579](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1579)) ### CHAPTER 3 A PARENT’S BETRAYAL AS INITIATION INTO SHADOW ## New highlights added September 1, 2023 at 11:23 PM > And mothers, too, betray their young ones in a variety of ways today: Medusa-like mothers stare down their daughters with a cold, perfectionistic glare. ([Location 1649](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1649)) > In a strange twist, the child unknowingly identifies with the powerful parent, whether it is the same-sex or opposite-sex parent. As a result, the child develops an ideal image of this parent, a fantasy of father or mother that is compelling because the archetype of Father or Mother lies at the center of this image. And in this way the child unconsciously models him or herself after this parent, resulting in the formation of particular ego patterns, such as father’s daughter or mother’s son. At the same time, the child unknowingly rejects the less powerful parent, burying his or her qualities in the shadow, resulting in the formation of particular shadow patterns. ([Location 1658](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1658)) ## New highlights added September 3, 2023 at 2:23 PM #### THE MOTHER’S DAUGHTER: RECLAIMING MASCULINE SHADOW > For the fortunate few who have an underworld guide and the tools of shadow-work, Hades can be the initiator of independence, an agent of self-discovery. ([Location 1872](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1872)) #### THE FATHER’S DAUGHTER: RECLAIMING FEMININE SHADOW > She had become a father’s daughter, a girl whose idealized relationship with her father results in an unconscious alignment with him, causing her to reject and devalue her mother and her own feminine qualities, which are exiled into the shadow. Deborah’s father, whose upright persona and superior ways won her heart, had overshadowed her mother in their home. As a result, many of her mother’s hidden abilities remained lost to Deborah. ([Location 1906](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1906)) > Today, at midlife, Deborah faces the high price of her inviolability: Her nurturing, vulnerable feelings and her capacity for a healthy dependency have remained in the shadow for so long that she is terrified of releasing them. Even today, she cannot imagine a relationship with a man that does not require her to give up her identity as an independent woman. As a result, she will remain childless. Slowly, with shadow-work, Deborah discovered that her contempt for traditional femininity had contaminated her feelings about her own feminine self. ([Location 1921](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1921)) > Another perhaps who is grateful for the absence of these messy interruptions but who wonders, too, in her quiet moments, about small smiles missed, small hands and feet unseen, silky skin untouched, and the first step not taken. ([Location 1932](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1932)) > Adulthood for a woman means in some profound way to birth and care for young ones, helpless and dependent ones, so that to remain childless means to remain a child. To remain childless means to avoid fulfilling a female mandate, to betray a biological gift. ([Location 1937](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1937)) > And we need to examine our mother’s shadow qualities, which we may carry as excess baggage, such as dependency, substance addiction, or deeply buried resentment and rage. We need to become aware of those disliked and rejected qualities in her that we have struggled to disown, because they probably continue to influence us below the boundaries of awareness as shadow characters. And they hold a key to unlocking the depths of soul. ([Location 1969](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1969)) ## New highlights added September 3, 2023 at 6:23 PM ### CHAPTER 4 LOOKING FOR THE BELOVED: DATING AS SHADOW-WORK ## New highlights added September 4, 2023 at 11:23 AM > Noel explained that historically woman had liked him for his intelligence; many wanted to be his friend, but not his lover. And this pattern of physical rejection had caused him great pain, reinforcing his lifelong feelings of homeliness and insecurity. At some point he decided that he would not befriend a woman unless she agreed to have sex. He no longer wanted to feel liked but not desired. ([Location 2178](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=2178)) ## New highlights added September 4, 2023 at 1:23 PM ### CHAPTER 5 SHADOW-BOXING: WRESTLING WITH ROMANTIC PARTNERS > Projection is like shooting an invisible arrow. Each of us carries a kind of archer’s quiver strapped on our backs. Every so often an arrow shoots out unpredictably, and we say something nasty or we fall in love. When we turn around to find out where the arrow came from, the quiver moves out of sight. If the receiver has a soft spot to receive the projection, it sticks. For instance, if we project our anger onto a dissatisfied mate or our seductive charms onto a good-looking stranger, then we hit the target and the projection holds. ([Location 2632](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=2632)) ## New highlights added September 7, 2023 at 10:10 AM #### PARTNERS AS GODS: THE ARCHETYPES OF LOVE > In a discussion of male psychology, Jungian writer Robert A. Johnson has pointed out that it’s a difficult but necessary task for a man to differentiate the various aspects of the feminine projection: mother, mother archetype, mother complex, goddess, wife, romantic ideal, sister, daughter, and friend. If a projection contaminates a relationship inappropriately, such as a mother complex or goddess projection onto a wife, it can wreak emotional havoc. ([Location 2883](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=2883)) #### THE BREAKDOWN OF PROJECTIONS: MEETING THE WITCH AND THE TYRANT > These two kinds of romantic projections—partners as parents, partners as gods—inevitably rattle and break down, often causing a crisis of commitment. At that crucial moment in every relationship, the most familiar person becomes a stranger. Then one or both partners proclaim, “This is not what I expected.” “This is not the person I married,” “I thought I knew you so well, but I was wrong.” ([Location 2946](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=2946)) ## New highlights added December 26, 2023 at 5:10 PM #### POWER SHADOWS: SHAMING, DEPRIVATION, AND ENTITLEMENT #### SEXUAL SHADOWS: DEMANDING AND WITHHOLDING INTIMACY > In our sexual intimacies we may discover Aidos, goddess of modesty, self-respect, and shame. Traveling with Aphrodite, goddess of love and desire, Aidos enfolds her dark wings around lovers and their sexual secrets, protecting their authentic shame, their instinctive need for privacy and boundaries. In this way, Aidos serves soul. But she can be co-opted by the ego or by a shadow character, who criticizes, disparages, or humiliates our desires, resulting in self-deprecating, inauthentic shame. ([Location 3033](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3033)) > He permitted his “bad” sexual character expression through flirting, peeping, and pornography, while maintaining a “good” or pure character with Claire by avoiding sexual intimacy for five years. Unconsciously, he knew that if he became sexual he would have to deal with his guilt and rage. And if he became vulnerable, he believed unconsciously that he would become dependent, smothered, and eventually abandoned. So, to be safe, he maintained the split. ([Location 3070](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3070)) > The therapist explained that there are two kinds of guilt: inauthentic guilt, which arises from the ego as a historical complex; and authentic guilty which arises from the Self in the present time as a valuable signal from the unconscious. ([Location 3075](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3075)) > they have a serious crisis of commitment: The authentic needs of one conflict with the authentic needs of the other. ([Location 3138](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3138)) > In this context, we would call any relationship successful that brings forth love, healing, and awareness, even if it ends after a few dates. ([Location 3153](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3153)) ### SHADOW-DANCING TILL DEATH DO US PART > If we don’t have a primary relationship, we live haunted with self-doubt, questioning whether we are capable of intimacy and commitment, even questioning the value of life without it. ([Location 3184](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3184)) #### THE THIRD BODY: THE SOUL OF THE RELATIONSHIP > During dating and romance, two individuals meet and a chemical reaction occurs in which their missing parts overlap and their internal characters begin to shadow-box with each other. Fairly quickly, the persona of the couple develops. Jungian analyst Murray Stein calls this the uniform of adulthood. ([Location 3245](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3245)) #### THE EX-SPOUSE COMPLEX > Just as our formative relationships with parents shape our choice of partners and our style of shadow-boxing, so do our long-term intimate adult relationships. In fact, we suggest that a first marriage may create deep loyalties and unconscious patterns that influence subsequent relationships because of what we call an ex-spouse complex. ([Location 3516](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3516)) #### CRISIS OF COMMITMENT: THE SHADOW MARRIAGE > Most people recognize three kinds of marriage: the legal marriage, which describes the partners’ standing under the law; the social marriage, which describes their partnership in the context of family and community; and the nuptials, which describes their spiritual intent. But we propose a fourth: the shadow marriage, in which the partners vow to accept and honor the full entourage of the Beloved’s shadow characters. ([Location 3549](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3549)) #### SEXUAL SHADOWS: COMPULSIONS, AFFAIRS, AND DEMON LOVERS > Compulsive sexual habits—pornography, phone sex, or electronic liaisons—act like real extramarital affairs in a key way: They camouflage shadow issues in the primary relationship. ([Location 3644](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3644)) > If he has no psychological affair, via phone sex or pornography, he fears that he will lose himself and feel overwhelmed by her. ([Location 3668](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3668)) > When a coupled partner has an affair with another coupled partner, there are four people involved, not two. And each remains aware of the invisible spouse who, like a ghost, haunts the lovers’ interludes. In many cases, the lover and the invisible spouse carry shadow projections—“the other woman”—perpetuating negative fantasies of one another. ([Location 3685](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3685)) > Recognizing that affairs serve a function in primary relationships in these ways, we typically encourage partners to end affairs, at least temporarily, in order to address the issues of their committed relationships. An affair in general, and sex in particular, can obscure the primary relationship’s deeper problems, acting as camouflage by becoming the apparent problem so that the underlying root issues go unnoticed. Like an addiction that appears to be the problem while camouflaging the shadow’s deeper needs, an affair may divert the attention from the less-visible developmental crisis in the relationship. From our point of view, an affair should not be called a relationship if a person leaves the shadow behind in the mate, splitting the projection so that the mate carries only darkness and the new lover carries only light. ([Location 3688](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3688)) --- Title: Romancing the Shadow Author: Connie Zweig and Steven Wolf Tags: readwise, books date: 2024-01-30 --- # Romancing the Shadow  Author:: Connie Zweig and Steven Wolf ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > Meeting the shadow in ourselves is disquieting because it tears holes in our masks. It causes us to act irrationally and feel ashamed, embarrassed, unacceptable, regretful—and to quickly deny responsibility for what we said or did. ([Location 207](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=207)) > Denial is entrenched because the shadow does not want to come out of its hiding place. Its nature is to hide, to remain outside of awareness. So the shadow acts out indirectly, concealed in a sour mood or sarcastic remark. Or it sneaks out compulsively, camouflaged in an addictive behavior. Therefore, we need to learn how to catch a glimpse of it when it appears. We need to sharpen our senses to be awake enough when it erupts. Then we can learn to romance it, to coax it out, to seduce it into awareness. Like a coy lover, it will recede once more behind the curtain. And again, with patience, we can invite it out to dance. This slow process of bringing the shadow to consciousness, forgetting, and recognizing it again is the nature of shadow-work. Eventually, we can learn to create an ongoing conscious relationship to it, thereby reducing its power to unconsciously sabotage us. ([Location 211](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=211)) > Shadow-work enables us to alter our self-sabotaging behavior so that we can achieve a more self-directed life. It expands our awareness to include a wider range of who we are so that we can attain more complete self-knowledge and eventually feel more genuine self-acceptance. It permits us to defuse the negative emotions that taint our loving relationships so that we can create a more authentic intimacy. And it opens the storehouse of creativity in which our talents remain hidden and out of reach. In each of these ways, shadow-work permits us to find gold in the dark side. ([Location 227](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=227)) > The body is wild, they say, like some unruly beast. Let it run loose and it will do terrible, perverted, aggressive things. ([Location 237](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=237)) > In this way an encounter with the shadow might become an initiation, a call to remember the multifaceted complexity of human nature and the fertile depths of the human soul. We need to start by acknowledging the dark side—but we do not end there. Ideally, an encounter with the shadow might open debate about pressing social questions and even bring about change in social policy. ([Location 251](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=251)) > In the tradition of Jung, we view the shadow as an archetype or universal blueprint in the human soul. At the center of every psychological complex, or emotionally charged group of unconscious images and ideals, lies an archetype, which holds these personal patterns in a larger story. ([Location 398](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=398)) > We use the term “ego” to signify the inauthentic “I” or self (with a small “s”) that develops to survive in difficult environments and to become acceptable to the conventional world. ([Location 416](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=416)) > unconsciously, the shadow knows its purpose: It seeks to make the unconscious conscious; it tries to tell its secret. ([Location 436](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=436)) > Most people, regardless of beliefs, can begin to make sense of their suffering by learning how to turn their most painful experiences into wisdom—by turning their baser elements into gold. By seeing the shadow’s patterns and purpose at work in your relationships, you will uncover an order in apparent chaos, a deeper meaning that ties together individual, family, and cultural stories. In effect, you will make room for soul. ([Location 511](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=511)) ### CHAPTER 1 ME AND MY SHADOW > • The shadow hides in our secret shames. To uncover the feeling of shame is to discover an arrow pointing straight toward shadow material, toward sexual taboos, bodily defects, emotional regrets—perhaps toward that which we would not dare to do but would secretly love to do. When shameful feelings are tucked away from those we love or even from ourselves, the shadow remains in the dark, out of sight of loving eyes and therefore unavailable for healing. What private thoughts or feelings most embarrass you? What trait do you wish to be rid of? In what ways do you feel unacceptable, dirty, or shamefully different? ([Location 785](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=785)) > The shadow disguises itself in our projections, when we react intensely to a trait in others that we fail to see in ourselves. ([Location 790](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=790)) > We project by attributing this quality to the other person in an unconscious effort to banish it from ourselves. Whom do you hate or judge the most? What group of people most repulses or terrifies you? What is it that you cannot stand in a friend or family member? ([Location 793](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=793)) > The shadow lurks in our addictions. When we are in the grasp of compulsive behaviors, we aim, even unknowingly, to deaden shadowy feelings and to fill an invisible emptiness. Whether through alcohol, drugs, sex, work, or food, we disguise our deeper needs by creating the symptom of addiction and becoming deaf to the call of the Self. What do you crave most deeply? What desires do you attempt to control or limit when you succumb to the addiction? ([Location 796](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=796)) > The shadow blurts out in slips of the tongue. ([Location 799](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=799)) > The shadow erupts in humor, especially cruel jokes at another’s expense and slapstick antics. We howl at off-color remarks and laugh at the clumsiness of others, then shake our heads in wonder at our own responses, as if taken over momentarily by a surprisingly cold or cruel inner character. When have you been surprised or ashamed by your reaction to another’s demise? ([Location 804](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=804)) > The shadow wears the camouflage of physical symptoms. We may lie, but the body does not. We may forget an abuse, but the body does not. Like shock absorbers, our bodies absorb the wear and tear of emotional experience. We may defend against it, but our bodies take the heat. And slowly, over years, the patterns of stress and trauma accumulate. Inevitably, if we do not become conscious of the shadows lodged in our muscles and cells, they begin to tell their tales. What is your body trying to say? If your cells could speak, what secrets would they reveal? What betrayals? ([Location 807](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=807)) > The shadow rears its head at midlife. During that time, we do not need to go in search of the shadow; it comes to find us. Whereas the tasks of the first half of life typically involve creating stability in love and work, the tasks of the second half involve creating consciousness of that which has been neglected and ignored. Thus a midlife crisis often feels like the notorious dark night of the soul. Frequently, the result may mean instability in love and work, the feeling of running out of gas, the urge to flee for the unlived life. We suggest that the first half of life is for developing the shadow, while the second half is for romancing the shadow. What god or goddess is summoning you to a new life? In what ways do you yearn for a change? Where is the Trickster turning your established values and customary habits upside down? When you are eighty years old, what will you regret having done or not done? ([Location 811](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=811)) > The shadow dances through our dreams. ([Location 818](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=818)) > The shadow reveals its gold in creative works, which build bridges between the conscious and unconscious worlds. The arts have the power to loosen the tight grasp of the conscious mind, permitting unknown moods and images to arise. Writers and artists alike have helped to lift the veil and allow others a glimpse of the infinite richness of the shadow realm. ([Location 821](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=821)) > In a contemporary Faustian story, a woman client, who was driven by a need to understand everything, had maintained an overcontrolled, highly intellectual lifestyle as a philosophy teacher. In this way, she had successfully avoided the chaotic emotional world of her mother. ([Location 828](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=828)) > We begin shadow-work by tracing the roots of the characters in our personal history. ([Location 883](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=883)) > As we develop, our shadow characters pick up swords and shields—power, sex, money, addiction—to protect their identities, compensate for feelings of shame, and defend against further injury. First of all, the characters seek to compensate for their feelings of weakness, inferiority, incompetence, and powerlessness and for their fears of non-existence.So they devise ways to gain invulnerability by using a power shield to banish these uncomfortable feelings. ([Location 943](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=943)) > The cultural shadow is the larger framework in which the personal shadow develops. It helps to determine on a large scale—via politics, economics, religion, education, the arts, and the media—what is permitted and what is taboo, thereby shaping individual and family personae. ([Location 1012](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1012)) ### CHAPTER 2 THE FAMILY SHADOW: CRADLE OF THE BEST AND THE WORST > soul-centered family honors individual differences and may even welcome, rather than repress, conflict as grist for the mill. It encourages learning and exploration of new attitudes, feelings, and competencies, rather than imitations and conformity. It works together to meet challenges and plays together to share the joys of life. The family soul creates a safe psychic space in which to do shadow-work and recharge individual soul. ([Location 1158](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1158)) > Who in your family carries the anxiety? What makes you nervous, anxious, afraid? How does an anxious shadow character sabotage your intentions? What do you need to feel safe? ([Location 1248](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1248)) > Who in your family Carries the depression? Who denies it? What is the depressed character at the table trying to tell you? What are its deeper intentions? ([Location 1262](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1262)) > Who is the family addict? Who takes care of this person? Who denies the problem? What shadow issues are camouflaged by the addictive behavior? ([Location 1267](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1267)) > What are your family secrets? Who keeps them from whom? How does this reduce authenticity among family members and decrease family soul? ([Location 1346](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1346)) > How is the pie of family shadow split among your siblings? Does a sibling carry a quality that might enrich your own treasury? ([Location 1411](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1411)) #### MONEY SHADOWS: INHERITANCE, SELF-WORTH, AND GREEDINESS > Her wealthy family had offered her every opportunity as a child: classes in art and ballet, designer clothing, and private schools. Propping up the family persona, Ruth had developed into a nice girl with nice parents in a nice house. But they had not offered her an opportunity to be authentic, to discover her own likes and dislikes, to express her own feelings and opinions. Instead, they told her constantly that she was a lucky child; she had so much that she had no right to complain. The burden of her parents’ expectation grew heavy. When Ruth behaved like a nice girl, she felt trapped. When she expressed herself even a little, she disappointed her parents and felt terribly guilty and, responsible for their feelings. Then she felt regret for causing their suffering. In her twenties, Ruth left home and did not look back. She became an extremely independent young woman, who fended for herself and needed no one, a condition sometimes known as counter-dependency. If her wall of autonomy were punctured even for a moment, she felt humiliated and smothered. Ruth came to believe unconsciously that if she accepted anything from her family, she would lose her own boundaries and her newfound identity, becoming once again a child without a voice, a subservient, well-behaved daughter. ([Location 1549](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1549)) > As a result of discoveries in therapy, Roger realized that he took money from his dad because it was that which he believed his father loved the most. And as a child he had wanted more of his father, feeling angry and neglected most of the time. As a compensation, he unconsciously wanted to take something of value from his father for himself. ([Location 1579](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1579)) ### CHAPTER 3 A PARENT’S BETRAYAL AS INITIATION INTO SHADOW > And mothers, too, betray their young ones in a variety of ways today: Medusa-like mothers stare down their daughters with a cold, perfectionistic glare. ([Location 1649](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1649)) > In a strange twist, the child unknowingly identifies with the powerful parent, whether it is the same-sex or opposite-sex parent. As a result, the child develops an ideal image of this parent, a fantasy of father or mother that is compelling because the archetype of Father or Mother lies at the center of this image. And in this way the child unconsciously models him or herself after this parent, resulting in the formation of particular ego patterns, such as father’s daughter or mother’s son. At the same time, the child unknowingly rejects the less powerful parent, burying his or her qualities in the shadow, resulting in the formation of particular shadow patterns. ([Location 1658](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1658)) #### THE MOTHER’S DAUGHTER: RECLAIMING MASCULINE SHADOW > For the fortunate few who have an underworld guide and the tools of shadow-work, Hades can be the initiator of independence, an agent of self-discovery. ([Location 1872](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1872)) #### THE FATHER’S DAUGHTER: RECLAIMING FEMININE SHADOW > She had become a father’s daughter, a girl whose idealized relationship with her father results in an unconscious alignment with him, causing her to reject and devalue her mother and her own feminine qualities, which are exiled into the shadow. Deborah’s father, whose upright persona and superior ways won her heart, had overshadowed her mother in their home. As a result, many of her mother’s hidden abilities remained lost to Deborah. ([Location 1906](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1906)) > Today, at midlife, Deborah faces the high price of her inviolability: Her nurturing, vulnerable feelings and her capacity for a healthy dependency have remained in the shadow for so long that she is terrified of releasing them. Even today, she cannot imagine a relationship with a man that does not require her to give up her identity as an independent woman. As a result, she will remain childless. Slowly, with shadow-work, Deborah discovered that her contempt for traditional femininity had contaminated her feelings about her own feminine self. ([Location 1921](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1921)) > Another perhaps who is grateful for the absence of these messy interruptions but who wonders, too, in her quiet moments, about small smiles missed, small hands and feet unseen, silky skin untouched, and the first step not taken. ([Location 1932](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1932)) > Adulthood for a woman means in some profound way to birth and care for young ones, helpless and dependent ones, so that to remain childless means to remain a child. To remain childless means to avoid fulfilling a female mandate, to betray a biological gift. ([Location 1937](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1937)) > And we need to examine our mother’s shadow qualities, which we may carry as excess baggage, such as dependency, substance addiction, or deeply buried resentment and rage. We need to become aware of those disliked and rejected qualities in her that we have struggled to disown, because they probably continue to influence us below the boundaries of awareness as shadow characters. And they hold a key to unlocking the depths of soul. ([Location 1969](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=1969)) ### CHAPTER 4 LOOKING FOR THE BELOVED: DATING AS SHADOW-WORK > Noel explained that historically woman had liked him for his intelligence; many wanted to be his friend, but not his lover. And this pattern of physical rejection had caused him great pain, reinforcing his lifelong feelings of homeliness and insecurity. At some point he decided that he would not befriend a woman unless she agreed to have sex. He no longer wanted to feel liked but not desired. ([Location 2178](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=2178)) ### CHAPTER 5 SHADOW-BOXING: WRESTLING WITH ROMANTIC PARTNERS > Projection is like shooting an invisible arrow. Each of us carries a kind of archer’s quiver strapped on our backs. Every so often an arrow shoots out unpredictably, and we say something nasty or we fall in love. When we turn around to find out where the arrow came from, the quiver moves out of sight. If the receiver has a soft spot to receive the projection, it sticks. For instance, if we project our anger onto a dissatisfied mate or our seductive charms onto a good-looking stranger, then we hit the target and the projection holds. ([Location 2632](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=2632)) #### PARTNERS AS GODS: THE ARCHETYPES OF LOVE > In a discussion of male psychology, Jungian writer Robert A. Johnson has pointed out that it’s a difficult but necessary task for a man to differentiate the various aspects of the feminine projection: mother, mother archetype, mother complex, goddess, wife, romantic ideal, sister, daughter, and friend. If a projection contaminates a relationship inappropriately, such as a mother complex or goddess projection onto a wife, it can wreak emotional havoc. ([Location 2883](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=2883)) #### THE BREAKDOWN OF PROJECTIONS: MEETING THE WITCH AND THE TYRANT > These two kinds of romantic projections—partners as parents, partners as gods—inevitably rattle and break down, often causing a crisis of commitment. At that crucial moment in every relationship, the most familiar person becomes a stranger. Then one or both partners proclaim, “This is not what I expected.” “This is not the person I married,” “I thought I knew you so well, but I was wrong.” ([Location 2946](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=2946)) #### POWER SHADOWS: SHAMING, DEPRIVATION, AND ENTITLEMENT #### SEXUAL SHADOWS: DEMANDING AND WITHHOLDING INTIMACY > In our sexual intimacies we may discover Aidos, goddess of modesty, self-respect, and shame. Traveling with Aphrodite, goddess of love and desire, Aidos enfolds her dark wings around lovers and their sexual secrets, protecting their authentic shame, their instinctive need for privacy and boundaries. In this way, Aidos serves soul. But she can be co-opted by the ego or by a shadow character, who criticizes, disparages, or humiliates our desires, resulting in self-deprecating, inauthentic shame. ([Location 3033](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3033)) > He permitted his “bad” sexual character expression through flirting, peeping, and pornography, while maintaining a “good” or pure character with Claire by avoiding sexual intimacy for five years. Unconsciously, he knew that if he became sexual he would have to deal with his guilt and rage. And if he became vulnerable, he believed unconsciously that he would become dependent, smothered, and eventually abandoned. So, to be safe, he maintained the split. ([Location 3070](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3070)) > The therapist explained that there are two kinds of guilt: inauthentic guilt, which arises from the ego as a historical complex; and authentic guilty which arises from the Self in the present time as a valuable signal from the unconscious. ([Location 3075](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3075)) > they have a serious crisis of commitment: The authentic needs of one conflict with the authentic needs of the other. ([Location 3138](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3138)) > In this context, we would call any relationship successful that brings forth love, healing, and awareness, even if it ends after a few dates. ([Location 3153](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3153)) ### SHADOW-DANCING TILL DEATH DO US PART > If we don’t have a primary relationship, we live haunted with self-doubt, questioning whether we are capable of intimacy and commitment, even questioning the value of life without it. ([Location 3184](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3184)) #### THE THIRD BODY: THE SOUL OF THE RELATIONSHIP > During dating and romance, two individuals meet and a chemical reaction occurs in which their missing parts overlap and their internal characters begin to shadow-box with each other. Fairly quickly, the persona of the couple develops. Jungian analyst Murray Stein calls this the uniform of adulthood. ([Location 3245](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3245)) #### THE EX-SPOUSE COMPLEX > Just as our formative relationships with parents shape our choice of partners and our style of shadow-boxing, so do our long-term intimate adult relationships. In fact, we suggest that a first marriage may create deep loyalties and unconscious patterns that influence subsequent relationships because of what we call an ex-spouse complex. ([Location 3516](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3516)) #### CRISIS OF COMMITMENT: THE SHADOW MARRIAGE > Most people recognize three kinds of marriage: the legal marriage, which describes the partners’ standing under the law; the social marriage, which describes their partnership in the context of family and community; and the nuptials, which describes their spiritual intent. But we propose a fourth: the shadow marriage, in which the partners vow to accept and honor the full entourage of the Beloved’s shadow characters. ([Location 3549](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3549)) #### SEXUAL SHADOWS: COMPULSIONS, AFFAIRS, AND DEMON LOVERS > Compulsive sexual habits—pornography, phone sex, or electronic liaisons—act like real extramarital affairs in a key way: They camouflage shadow issues in the primary relationship. ([Location 3644](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3644)) > If he has no psychological affair, via phone sex or pornography, he fears that he will lose himself and feel overwhelmed by her. ([Location 3668](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3668)) > When a coupled partner has an affair with another coupled partner, there are four people involved, not two. And each remains aware of the invisible spouse who, like a ghost, haunts the lovers’ interludes. In many cases, the lover and the invisible spouse carry shadow projections—“the other woman”—perpetuating negative fantasies of one another. ([Location 3685](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3685)) > Recognizing that affairs serve a function in primary relationships in these ways, we typically encourage partners to end affairs, at least temporarily, in order to address the issues of their committed relationships. An affair in general, and sex in particular, can obscure the primary relationship’s deeper problems, acting as camouflage by becoming the apparent problem so that the underlying root issues go unnoticed. Like an addiction that appears to be the problem while camouflaging the shadow’s deeper needs, an affair may divert the attention from the less-visible developmental crisis in the relationship. From our point of view, an affair should not be called a relationship if a person leaves the shadow behind in the mate, splitting the projection so that the mate carries only darkness and the new lover carries only light. ([Location 3688](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001RLBWHQ&location=3688))