§z# The Charisma Myth  Author:: Olivia Fox Cabane ## Highlights ### Introduction > We don’t necessarily think of these experiences as charisma, or consider ourselves charismatic, because we assume that charismatic people are magnetic every instant of every day. They aren’t. ([Location 97](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=97)) > The equation that produces charisma is actually fairly simple. All you have to do is give the impression that you possess both high power and high warmth, since charismatic behaviors project a combination of these two qualities. “Fight or flight?” is the power question. “Friend or foe?” is the warmth question. ([Location 115](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=115)) ### Charisma Demystified > Three quick tips to gain an instant charisma boost in conversation: Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences. Reduce how quickly and how often you nod. Pause for two full seconds before you speak. ([Location 168](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=168)) ### The Charismatic Behaviors > CHARISMATIC BEHAVIOR CAN be broken down into three core elements: presence, power, and warmth. ([Location 205](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=205)) > Increasing your ability to be present not only improves your body language, listening skills, and mental focus, it could even enhance your ability to enjoy life. ([Location 276](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=276)) #### Power and Warmth > Being seen as powerful means being perceived as able to affect the world around us, whether through influence on or authority over others, large amounts of money, expertise, intelligence, sheer physical strength, or high social status. We look for clues of power in someone’s appearance, in others’ reaction to this person, and, most of all, in the person’s body language. Warmth, simply put, is goodwill toward others. Warmth tells us whether or not people will want to use whatever power they have in our favor. ([Location 287](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=287)) #### Charismatic Body Language > First, because we can’t consciously control all of our body language, we can’t just broadcast charismatic body language at will. To get all the signals right, we’d need to simultaneously control thousands of elements, from minute vocal fluctuations to the precise degree and kind of tension around our eyes. It’s practically impossible. ([Location 333](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=333)) > would be solved. (Hint: we can, and you’ll learn how.) The second consequence is that our body language expresses our mental state whether we like it or not. Our facial expressions, voice, posture, and all the other components of body language reflect our mental and emotional condition every second. ([Location 337](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=337)) > The placebo effect is the basis for many of the best charisma-enhancing techniques, and we’ll refer to it often throughout the book. ([Location 401](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=401)) > The mind-over-body effect also has a corresponding downside, called the nocebo effect. 6 In this case, the mind creates toxic consequences in the body in reaction to completely fictional causes. ([Location 403](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=403)) ### The Obstacles to Presence, Power, and Warmth > Physical discomfort doesn’t just affect your external state; it also affects your internal state. ([Location 456](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=456)) > Counteracting charisma-impairing physical discomfort is simple: Prevent Recognize Remedy or explain ([Location 461](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=461)) > William Bosl, research scientist at the Harvard-MIT Health Sciences and Technology Program, explains the implications of a recent functional MRI study on belief, disbelief, and uncertainty as follows: 3 “Our brains are wired first to understand, then to believe, and last to disbelieve. Since disbelief requires additional cognitive effort, we get the physiological effects first. And, though this belief may last only a brief moment, it’s enough to produce an emotional and physical reassurance, which can change our thought patterns as well as help alleviate the uncomfortable feelings.” 4 Our physiology responds to visuals well before cognitive disbelief kicks in. In addition, visuals short-circuit our cognitive circuits and go straight to our brain’s emotional levels. ([Location 560](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=560)) ### Overcoming the Obstacles #### Step One: Destigmatize Discomfort > To destigmatize, remind yourself that this internal discomfort, whatever it might be, is a normal part of the human experience and a by-product of one of our brain’s survival mechanisms. It helps to think of others who have experienced what you’re going through, especially if you can think of a person who is like you, but maybe just a step or two ahead—a person you both relate to and admire. ([Location 692](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=692)) > Another way to destigmatize discomfort is to remind yourself that you’re not alone in this experience. ([Location 698](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=698)) > You see, shame is the real killer. Of all the emotions that human beings can feel, it is one of the most toxic to health and happiness. Shame researcher Brené Brown defines it as “the fear of being unlovable: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” ([Location 708](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=708)) > Shame hits us so powerfully because it conveys a message about our fundamental acceptability as human beings. And in basic survival terms, if the tribe rejects you, you die. It is a life-and-death situation. ([Location 710](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=710)) #### Step Two: Neutralize Negativity > Cognitive scientist Steven Hayes suggests that we see negative thoughts as graffiti on a wall. If you’re walking down the street and you see graffiti, you may find it an ugly sight, but just because you see an ugly sight doesn’t mean you’re an ugly person. ([Location 777](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=777)) > Don’t assume your thoughts are accurate. Just because your mind comes up with something doesn’t necessarily mean it has any validity. Assume you’re missing a lot of elements, many of which could be positive. ([Location 791](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=791)) #### Step Three: Rewrite Reality > One charismatic entrepreneur told me: “I decide to interpret everything favorably toward myself. It’s not just that I’m optimistic, I’m actually conveniently deluded.” ([Location 864](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=864)) #### Getting Comfortable with Discomfort ### Creating Charismatic Mental States ### Visualization > Method acting took a different approach. Rather than having people try to control their body language, it went straight to the body language source—the mind—and had the actors strive to become the characters they were aiming to play so that they would really feel the emotions they wanted to convey. Then the thousands of body language signals would flow naturally and congruently. ([Location 1076](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1076)) > Often called the neuropeptide of trust, oxytocin instantly reverses the arousal of the fight-or-flight response. ([Location 1152](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1152)) > One of my favorite neuroscience resources, the Wise Brain Bulletin, suggested that a twenty-second hug is enough to send oxytocin coursing through your veins, and that you can achieve the same effect just by imagining the hug. So the next time you’re feeling anxious, you might want to imagine being wrapped up in a great big hug from someone you care about. ([Location 1153](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1153)) #### Gratitude, Goodwill, and Compassion > Step One: Gratitude and Appreciation ([Location 1186](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1186)) > Step Two: Goodwill and Compassion ([Location 1253](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1253)) > both to project warmth and to create a feeling of warmth in others. When you truly focus on someone’s well-being, you feel more connected to them, it shows across your face, and people perceive you as someone full of warmth. Your charisma quotient soars. ([Location 1255](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1255)) > Step Three: Self-Compassion ([Location 1319](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1319)) #### Using Your Body to Affect Your Mind > curate my playlists considering both tempo and lyrics, and when preparing for a key moment, I’m careful to choose songs that correspond with the mood I’m trying to achieve. I have playlists for self-confidence, warmth, empathy, and patience. I’ve found that it really makes a difference. These playlists are also organized as “pre-speech,” “morning wake-up,” and even “pre–family gatherings” (yes, I’m serious). ([Location 1501](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1501)) ### Different Charisma Styles > Throughout this chapter we’ll look at four distinct kinds of charisma: focus, visionary, kindness, and authority. ([Location 1548](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1548)) #### Focus Charisma: Presence and Confidence > Focus charisma is primarily based on a perception of presence. It gives people the feeling that you are fully present with them, listening to them and absorbing what they say. Focus charisma makes people feel heard, listened to, and understood. Don’t underestimate this kind of charisma; it can be surprisingly powerful. ([Location 1558](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1558)) > What people notice: We assess focus charisma entirely through demeanor. Presence is key: because we can perceive any distracted, inattentive body language, such signals would quickly undermine focus charisma. ([Location 1571](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1571)) > Focus charisma is perhaps the easiest form of charisma to access, and can be surprisingly effective, but it comes with two main risks. The first is that if you display too little power you could come across as too eager, and consequently low-status or even subservient. ([Location 1577](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1577)) > A less common risk is exhibiting too little warmth, which leads to attention that is too intense. If you become laser-focused, your interaction may start to feel like an interview, or, worse yet, an interrogation. ([Location 1580](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1580)) > avoid focus charisma when you need to appear authoritative or during emergencies when you need immediate compliance. ([Location 1587](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1587)) #### Visionary Charisma: Belief and Confidence > Conveying visionary charisma requires the ability to project complete conviction and confidence in a cause. In this way, visionary charisma is based on power. However, it is also based on warmth. Visionary charismatics aren’t necessarily warm people, but they do feel strongly, even passionately, about their vision. And to be truly charismatic, their vision must include a certain amount of nobility and altruism. ([Location 1596](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1596)) > What people notice: We assess visionary charisma primarily through demeanor, which includes body language and behavior. Due to the fact that people tend to accept whatever you project, if you seem inspired, they will assume you have something to be inspired about. For visionary charisma, appearance matters far less than it does for other charisma styles. You could be wearing rags and still successfully convey visionary charisma. ([Location 1601](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1601)) > Once you have it: Visionary charisma can inspire fervent belief and lead monumental change. However, it can also inspire fanatical belief and lead people to disastrous decisions (cult leader Jim Jones persuaded nine hundred people to commit mass suicide). When to use it: Visionary charisma is important at times when you need to inspire people. It’s particularly helpful when you want to inspire creativity. ([Location 1610](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1610)) #### Kindness Charisma: Warmth and Confidence > Kindness charisma is primarily based on warmth. It connects with people’s hearts, and makes them feel welcomed, cherished, embraced, and, most of all, completely accepted. What people notice: Like visionary and focus charisma, kindness charisma comes entirely from body language—specifically your face, and even more specifically your eyes. ([Location 1619](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1619)) > Once you have it: Though kindness charisma is based primarily on warmth, without power you risk coming off as overeager to please. This is where the ability to convey a modicum of power becomes important. ([Location 1628](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1628)) > When to use it: Kindness charisma is perfect anytime you want to create an emotional bond or make people feel safe and comfortable. ([Location 1637](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1637)) #### Authority Charisma: Status and Confidence > This form of charisma is possibly the most powerful one of all. Our instinctive deference to authority can take epic proportions, and, of course, can be equally turned toward good or evil. ([Location 1643](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1643)) > What people notice: Authority charisma is primarily based on a perception of power: the belief that this person has the power to affect our world. We evaluate someone’s authority charisma through four indicators: body language, appearance, title, and the reactions of others. ([Location 1648](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1648)) > Once you have it: Authority charisma has the advantage that you get listened to and often obeyed. It does, however, have several disadvantages: It can inhibit critical thinking in others. It doesn’t invite feedback, so you risk not receiving information you actually need. It can easily make you appear arrogant. ([Location 1678](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1678)) > When to use it: Authority charisma works well in many business situations, and in any situation where you want people to listen and obey. ([Location 1685](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1685)) #### Choosing the Right Charisma > On the other hand, when you’re in a high-stakes situation—about to give a key presentation, or going for a job interview—don’t take the risk of coming across as uncomfortable or inauthentic. In cases like these, it’s best to stick with the behaviors and charisma styles that are most natural to you. ([Location 1764](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1764)) > KEY TAKEAWAYS Choosing the right charisma style depends on your personality, goals, and the situation. ([Location 1767](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1767)) ### Charismatic First Impressions #### The Golden Rule > So how can you make a fantastic first impression? Our default setting here is actually quite simple: people like people who are like them. ([Location 1821](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1821)) > Clothing, essentially, is modern-day tribal wear. ([Location 1828](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1828)) #### Break the Ice > offer a compliment about something the person is wearing. ([Location 1907](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1907)) > Continue with an open-ended question, such as “What’s the story behind it?” The word story has a very strong emotional effect on most people—it sends them straight into storytelling mode, which instantly changes the rapport between the two of you. ([Location 1909](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1909)) > Another good question to break the ice with is “Where are you from?” ([Location 1912](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1912)) > If they start asking about you and you want to refocus the conversation on them, use the bounce back technique. Answer the question with a fact, add a personal note, and redirect the question to them, ([Location 1921](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1921)) > Remember, it’s all about keeping the spotlight on them for as long as possible. ([Location 1924](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1924)) #### Graceful Exits > First, don’t wait too long to end it. Otherwise, you and your partner will feel the strain and become uncomfortable. ([Location 1941](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1941)) > Another way to exit a conversation with grace is to offer something of value: Information: an article, book, or Web site you think might be of use to them A connection: someone they ought to meet whom you know and can introduce them to Visibility: an organization you belong to, where you could invite them to speak Recognition: an award you think they should be nominated for ([Location 1944](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1944)) > Wait until your conversation partner has finished a sentence, and say something to the effect of, “You know, based on what you’ve just said, you really should check out this Web site. If you have a card, I’ll send you the link.” As soon as your counterpart gives you a business card, you have the perfect opportunity to say, “Great! I’ll e-mail you soon. It was a pleasure meeting you.” ([Location 1949](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1949)) ### Speaking—and Listening— with Charisma #### Charismatic Listening > Presence is a cornerstone of effective listening. ([Location 1997](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1997)) > Master listeners know one extra trick, one simple but extraordinarily effective habit that will make people feel truly listened to and understood: they pause before they answer. ([Location 2012](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2012)) > The next time you’re given a compliment, the following steps will help you skillfully handle the moment: Stop. Absorb the compliment. Enjoy it if you can. Let that second of absorption show on your face. Show the person that they’ve had an impact. Thank them. Saying “Thank you very much” is enough, but you can take it a step further by thanking them for their thoughtfulness or telling them that they’ve made your day. ([Location 2079](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2079)) > The next time you’re given a compliment, the following steps will help you skillfully handle the moment: Stop. Absorb the compliment. Enjoy it if you can. Let that second of absorption show on your face. Show the person that they’ve had an impact. Thank them. Saying “Thank you very much” is enough, but you can take it a step further by thanking them for their thoughtfulness or telling them that they’ve made your day. ([Location 2079](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2079)) > Whenever you can, choose to speak in pictures. You’ll have a much greater impact, and your message will be far more memorable. Visionary charismatics make full use of the power of images. ([Location 2110](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2110)) > Whenever you can, choose to speak in pictures. You’ll have a much greater impact, and your message will be far more memorable. Visionary charismatics make full use of the power of images. ([Location 2110](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2110)) > When you craft your images and metaphors, try to make them sensory-rich: involve as many of the five senses as possible. ([Location 2122](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2122)) > When you craft your images and metaphors, try to make them sensory-rich: involve as many of the five senses as possible. ([Location 2122](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2122)) > Avoid White Elephants ([Location 2130](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2130)) > Avoid White Elephants ([Location 2130](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2130)) > When you tell someone, “No problem,” “Don’t worry,” or “Don’t hesitate to call,” for example, there’s a chance their brain will remember “problem,” “worry,” or “hesitate” instead of your desire to support them. To counter this negative effect, use phrases like “We’ll take care of it” or “Please feel free to call anytime.” ([Location 2137](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2137)) > When you tell someone, “No problem,” “Don’t worry,” or “Don’t hesitate to call,” for example, there’s a chance their brain will remember “problem,” “worry,” or “hesitate” instead of your desire to support them. To counter this negative effect, use phrases like “We’ll take care of it” or “Please feel free to call anytime.” ([Location 2137](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2137)) > Attention is a precious resource, just like time and money. Anytime you ask people to listen to what you say or read what you’ve written, you’re asking them to spend both their time and their attention on you. You’re asking them to give you some of their resources. ([Location 2141](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2141)) > Attention is a precious resource, just like time and money. Anytime you ask people to listen to what you say or read what you’ve written, you’re asking them to spend both their time and their attention on you. You’re asking them to give you some of their resources. ([Location 2141](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2141)) > You can deliver value to others in multiple ways: Entertainment: Make your e-mail or meeting enjoyable. Information: Give interesting or informative content that they can use. Good feelings: Find ways to make them feel important or good about themselves. ([Location 2144](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2144)) > You can deliver value to others in multiple ways: Entertainment: Make your e-mail or meeting enjoyable. Information: Give interesting or informative content that they can use. Good feelings: Find ways to make them feel important or good about themselves. ([Location 2144](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2144)) > When the MIT Media Lab concluded that they could predict the success of sales calls without listening to a single word, these are the only two measurements they needed: Ratio of speaking to listening Amount of voice fluctuation ([Location 2166](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2166)) > When the MIT Media Lab concluded that they could predict the success of sales calls without listening to a single word, these are the only two measurements they needed: Ratio of speaking to listening Amount of voice fluctuation ([Location 2166](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2166)) > The degree to which your voice fluctuates affects your persuasiveness and your charisma. Increasing voice fluctuation means making your voice vary in any of the following ways: pitch (high or low), volume (loud or quiet), tone (resonant or hollow), tempo (fast or slow), or rhythm (fluid or staccato). ([Location 2169](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2169)) > The degree to which your voice fluctuates affects your persuasiveness and your charisma. Increasing voice fluctuation means making your voice vary in any of the following ways: pitch (high or low), volume (loud or quiet), tone (resonant or hollow), tempo (fast or slow), or rhythm (fluid or staccato). ([Location 2169](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2169)) > Pitch and tone: The lower, more resonant, and more baritone your voice, the more impact it will have. Volume: One of the first things an actor learns to do on stage is to project his voice, which means gaining the ability to modulate its volume and aim it in such a targeted way that specific portions of the audience can hear it, even from afar. One classic exercise to hone your projection skills is to imagine that your words are arrows. As you speak, aim them at different groups of listeners. Tempo: A slow, measured tempo with frequent pauses conveys confidence. ([Location 2176](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2176)) > Pitch and tone: The lower, more resonant, and more baritone your voice, the more impact it will have. Volume: One of the first things an actor learns to do on stage is to project his voice, which means gaining the ability to modulate its volume and aim it in such a targeted way that specific portions of the audience can hear it, even from afar. One classic exercise to hone your projection skills is to imagine that your words are arrows. As you speak, aim them at different groups of listeners. Tempo: A slow, measured tempo with frequent pauses conveys confidence. ([Location 2176](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2176)) > There’s only one thing you need to do in order to project more warmth in your voice: smile. ([Location 2192](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2192)) > There’s only one thing you need to do in order to project more warmth in your voice: smile. ([Location 2192](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2192)) ### Charismatic Body Language ### Charismatic Body Language #### Conscious Mirroring #### Conscious Mirroring > This tendency to mimic the body language of others is technically called limbic resonance, and it’s hardwired into the human brain. Limbic resonance is made possible thanks to a certain class of neurons called oscillators, which coordinate people physically by regulating how and when their bodies move together. ([Location 2268](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2268)) > This tendency to mimic the body language of others is technically called limbic resonance, and it’s hardwired into the human brain. Limbic resonance is made possible thanks to a certain class of neurons called oscillators, which coordinate people physically by regulating how and when their bodies move together. ([Location 2268](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2268)) > Imitating someone’s body language is an easy way to establish trust and rapport. This technique, which is often called mirroring or mimicking, is the conscious application of something that many charismatic people do instinctively. When you consciously mirror someone’s body language, you activate deep instincts of trust and liking. ([Location 2273](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2273)) > Imitating someone’s body language is an easy way to establish trust and rapport. This technique, which is often called mirroring or mimicking, is the conscious application of something that many charismatic people do instinctively. When you consciously mirror someone’s body language, you activate deep instincts of trust and liking. ([Location 2273](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2273)) > But what about cases in which the other person is exhibiting negative body language? Do you still mirror then? Well, it depends. In some situations, you want to first mirror their body language, then gradually lead it in a more positive direction. ([Location 2312](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2312)) > But what about cases in which the other person is exhibiting negative body language? Do you still mirror then? Well, it depends. In some situations, you want to first mirror their body language, then gradually lead it in a more positive direction. ([Location 2312](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2312)) > On the other hand, there are instances where you do not want to mirror a person’s body language. If their demeanor is angry or defensive, mirroring would only escalate the tension. Say you’re meeting with a manager who has denied a request you made, and who is sitting in a defensive position—leaning back with his arms and legs crossed and his hands balled into fists. Rather than mirroring, try breaking him out of his posture by handing him something: a piece of paper or a pen—whatever works. And then, as soon as he’s in a new position, distract him by giving him new information or changing the subject while you mirror his posture to reestablish rapport. ([Location 2327](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2327)) > On the other hand, there are instances where you do not want to mirror a person’s body language. If their demeanor is angry or defensive, mirroring would only escalate the tension. Say you’re meeting with a manager who has denied a request you made, and who is sitting in a defensive position—leaning back with his arms and legs crossed and his hands balled into fists. Rather than mirroring, try breaking him out of his posture by handing him something: a piece of paper or a pen—whatever works. And then, as soon as he’s in a new position, distract him by giving him new information or changing the subject while you mirror his posture to reestablish rapport. ([Location 2327](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2327)) #### Personal Space #### Personal Space > Being charismatic means making others feel comfortable, at ease, and good about themselves when they are around us. In nonverbal communication, one crucial element for making people feel at ease and establishing rapport is respecting the amount of personal space people need to be comfortable. Conversely, not respecting people’s personal-space preferences can create high levels of discomfort, and those emotions could become associated with you. It’s worth paying attention. ([Location 2341](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2341)) > Being charismatic means making others feel comfortable, at ease, and good about themselves when they are around us. In nonverbal communication, one crucial element for making people feel at ease and establishing rapport is respecting the amount of personal space people need to be comfortable. Conversely, not respecting people’s personal-space preferences can create high levels of discomfort, and those emotions could become associated with you. It’s worth paying attention. ([Location 2341](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2341)) > The next time you want to establish warm rapport with someone, avoid a confrontational seating arrangement and instead sit either next to or at a 90-degree angle from them. These are the positions in which we feel most comfortable. ([Location 2361](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2361)) > The next time you want to establish warm rapport with someone, avoid a confrontational seating arrangement and instead sit either next to or at a 90-degree angle from them. These are the positions in which we feel most comfortable. ([Location 2361](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2361)) #### Your Eyes, the Windows to Your Soul #### Your Eyes, the Windows to Your Soul > Good eye contact is incredibly important. Profound eye contact can have a powerful impact on people; it can communicate empathy and give an impression of thoughtfulness, wisdom, and intelligence. You simply cannot be charismatic without it. In fact, eye contact is one of the main ways charismatic masters make you feel that you are the most important person in the room. ([Location 2374](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2374)) > Good eye contact is incredibly important. Profound eye contact can have a powerful impact on people; it can communicate empathy and give an impression of thoughtfulness, wisdom, and intelligence. You simply cannot be charismatic without it. In fact, eye contact is one of the main ways charismatic masters make you feel that you are the most important person in the room. ([Location 2374](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2374)) > Anthropologist Helen Fisher explains that when you stare with intensity at someone, it can speed up their heart rate and send a hormone called phenylethylamine, or PEA, coursing through their bloodstream. PEA is the same hormone that produces the phenomenon we call love at first sight. ([Location 2377](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2377)) > Anthropologist Helen Fisher explains that when you stare with intensity at someone, it can speed up their heart rate and send a hormone called phenylethylamine, or PEA, coursing through their bloodstream. PEA is the same hormone that produces the phenomenon we call love at first sight. ([Location 2377](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2377)) #### The Right Posture for Nonverbal Power #### The Right Posture for Nonverbal Power > This kind of high-status, high-confidence body language is characterized by how few movements are made. Composed people exhibit a level of stillness, which is sometimes described as poise. They avoid extraneous, superfluous gestures such as fidgeting with their clothes, their hair, or their faces, incessantly nodding their heads, or saying “um” before sentences. ([Location 2490](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2490)) > When you want to increase your poise, there are three major issues to look out for. The first is excessive or rapid nodding. Nodding once for emphasis or to express agreement is fine and can be an effective communication method, but nodding three or four times in rapid succession is not. This is what one of my clients has come to call “the bobble head.” The second hindrance is excessive verbal reassurance: making a sound, such as “uh-huh,” or a half-sentence, such as “Oh, I agree.” Done once, and consciously, this is fine; multiple times per sentence is not. ([Location 2501](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2501)) > The third issue is restlessness or fidgeting (tapping your pencil or foot, or rearranging items on the table). Fidgeting decreases presence, thus charisma. Even when you have warmth, confidence, and are mentally present, if you are physically restless, you can’t be charismatic. ([Location 2505](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2505)) > Catch yourself when you find yourself nodding or verbally reassuring, and try to replace it with stillness and silence. Aim to get comfortable with silence, inserting pauses between your sentences or even midsentence. ([Location 2519](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2519)) > If they’re looking insecure and you think they need to be reassured, ramp up the amount of warmth you’re projecting. Use any of the warmth-enhancing visualizations you gained in Chapter 5 or the verbal warmth techniques from Chapter 8, and adapt your body language to theirs. On the other hand, when you’d like to be seen as a confident peer or a respected boss, focus on poise and containment and limit your reassurance. Rather than synchronizing your body language with theirs (unless theirs is the very essence of confidence you want to display), keep to your own rhythms and maintain your confident, contained posture. ([Location 2532](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2532)) > Difficult Situations ([Location 2555](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2555)) #### Dealing with Difficult People > What magical charisma tricks might I have, he asked, to win over that entire board? Divide and Conquer My first recommendation to Peter was simple: don’t try to win them all over all at once. ([Location 2569](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2569)) > But in general, when you have a group of difficult people to convince, you’ll have much greater chances of success if you work on each of them individually. ([Location 2574](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2574)) > This technique has become known as the Ben Franklin Effect. Having lent Franklin the book, the opponent had to either consider himself as inconsistent (having done a favor for someone he disliked) or rationalize his action by deciding that he actually rather liked Franklin. ([Location 2595](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2595)) > How can you use this technique to your advantage? You could indeed ask your opponents for their help or ask them for a favor. Better still, ask them for something they can give without incurring any cost: their opinion. Asking for someone’s opinion is a better strategy than asking for their advice, because giving advice feels like more effort, as they have to tailor a recommendation to your situation, whereas with an opinion, they can just spout whatever is on their mind. ([Location 2600](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2600)) > I always have Play-Doh on hand for people to play with when they come see me. ([Location 2699](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2699)) > There are four crucial steps to charismatically delivering criticism. First, think about your timing and the location. Try to be as empathetic as possible in your choice of both. ([Location 2731](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2731)) > Second, get into the right mindset, one of compassion and empathy. ([Location 2735](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2735)) > Accessing kindness or focus charisma will ease the situation, whereas authority charisma would worsen it. ([Location 2737](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2737)) > Third, decide exactly what points you want to make: be specific. Focusing on a few key points rather than making an exhaustive list will prevent the other person from feeling overwhelmed. ([Location 2744](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2744)) > Fourth, depersonalize. As much as possible, communicate that what you’re critiquing is the behavior, not the person. ([Location 2746](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2746)) > While you listen, be fully present, and try to avoid preparing your response. Instead, focus your entire attention on determining precisely what the complaint is. Ask questions to make sure you understand. ([Location 2834](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2834)) > Just coming into a conversation with the mindset of “Help me understand how you see things” can change the outcome completely. ([Location 2839](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2839)) > On the phone, always ask, “Is this a good time for you?” before launching into conversation. ([Location 2861](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2861)) > Do not answer the phone in a warm or friendly manner. Instead, answer crisply and professionally. Then, only after you hear who is calling, let warmth or even enthusiasm pour forth in your voice. This simple technique is an easy and effective way to make people feel special. ([Location 2881](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2881)) ### Presenting with Charisma #### Constructing a Charismatic Message > Stories have a particularly strong impact on people. In fact, audiences will often remember first the story, and only second the point the story was making. ([Location 2936](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2936)) > For your stories to be most effective, choose characters that are similar to the people in your audience to make them more relatable and make them as entertaining (and short!) as a Hollywood sneak preview. ([Location 2938](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2938)) #### Creating a Charismatic Appearance #### Rehearsing for Charisma > Another good practice is to have your speech audiotaped or, better yet, videotaped, and to count what professional speakers call irritants. These are any sounds or movements that do not add to your message. Because the audience is watching your every move, every sound and facial expression you make is a form of communication that demands a portion of their attention. ([Location 2988](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2988)) #### Projecting Power > First, when you stand, be sure to have a wide stance, well balanced on both feet. ([Location 3004](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3004)) > Second, practice without a podium or a lectern. Speaking behind one can give the impression that you’re fearful to venture out, ([Location 3006](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3006)) > Third, find the right volume to project confidence. ([Location 3009](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3009)) > A fireside chat is a comfortable conversation that creates a sense of intimacy. Imagine sitting by a fire telling stories to your favorite friends or having a comfortable conversation with just one person. To make your audience feel particularly special, speak as if you were sharing a secret. Another way to make people feel special as you roam about the stage is to give one to two seconds of eye contact per person. ([Location 3017](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3017)) > Pausing is equally critical to end your presentations. Don’t run off stage. ([Location 3056](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3056)) > After your last words, pause, then say “Thank you” and stay there while you endure the applause for a few seconds. ([Location 3059](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3059)) > Putting It into Practice: Speech Day Checklist ♦ Arrive early if you can; walk the stage to visualize and own the stage. ♦ Go into a quiet room nearby, and use internal tools such as visualization to get into a state of confidence and warmth. ♦ Pause before you start. Count three beats, facing the audience, before you begin to speak. ([Location 3105](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3105)) > ♦ During the presentation, expect things to go wrong—whether an external disruption or your flubbing something. ♦ Use the midcourse corrections tools you’ve just learned. Take it with humanity and invite the audience into this mistake as a shared joke. ♦ Throughout your speech, remember to pause, breathe, and slow down. ♦ Don’t run off stage; pause after your last words. ([Location 3110](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3110)) > Your presentation should have one main, simple, crystal-clear message, supported by three to five key points. ([Location 3115](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3115)) ### Charisma in a Crisis > First, retain at least a certain measure of equanimity. Most charismatic leaders are known for their ability to remain (or appear) calm even in the midst of turbulent circumstances. ([Location 3139](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3139)) > Second, express high expectations. Sometimes, simply assigning to people the labels you want them to live up to is enough. ([Location 3153](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3153)) > Third, articulate a vision. A charismatic vision is what will give your charisma staying power when the crisis is over. ([Location 3161](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3161)) > To be charismatic, your vision must vividly illustrate the difference between the way things are now and the way they could be. ([Location 3166](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3166)) > Once you have expressed your vision, be bold and decisive. ([Location 3172](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3172)) ### The Charismatic Life > All forms of charisma come at a cost; what the cost is depends on the charisma style you choose. In this final chapter you will learn a few potential side effects of charisma and how to best handle them. ([Location 3203](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3203)) > You Become a Magnet for Praise as Well as Envy ([Location 3205](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3205)) > You’re going to have to compensate for your charisma in order to limit the jealousy and resentment others may feel. You have three choices: you can refuse the glory, reflect the glory, or transfer the glory. ([Location 3209](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3209)) > This technique is, in fact, known as a Clinton classic. During his tenure in the White House, Bill Clinton was known to go around asking everyone, from his chef to his janitor, for their opinion on foreign policy. He’d listen intently, and in subsequent conversations would refer back to the opinion they’d offered. When people feel that they’ve had a hand in “making” you, they feel a certain ownership of and identification with you, and therefore a certain responsibility for your success. ([Location 3236](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3236)) #### People Can Reveal Too Much > Over the years I’ve realized that this feeling of a safe cocoon can have other side effects. Sometimes, without realizing it, as people feel so safe and strong, they’ll venture too close to their own demons, ones that they’re not ready to face. This challenge is one of the few downsides that can accompany kindness or focus charisma. ([Location 3295](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3295)) > It’s not easy, however, to slow people down when they’re in the middle of this kind of experience without leaving them feeling hurt and rejected. Here are a few “soft landing” approaches to try: Pay attention. When they start sharing, ask yourself: Will they regret having said this tomorrow? As soon as you hear them start to say something you think they may regret, interject a “me, too” story. This is the one case where interruption is warranted. Ideally, this would be something you’ve personally experienced, second best would be something that someone close to you has experienced, and third best would be something you’ve heard about. ([Location 3307](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3307)) > When you turn on your charisma full blast, you create a kind of reality distortion field around you. It’s a bit like hypnosis; people can go into an altered state in your presence. And just as a hypnotist must take care when leading people out of a trance, so must you. You’re putting them under the spell of your presence, ([Location 3330](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3330)) #### You’re in the Spotlight and Held to Higher Standards > J. R. Wurster, the CEO of a small Los Angeles–based film company, gives off such a laid-back vibe that he’s the last person I’d have expected to feel pressured by the spotlight. And yet when I mentioned this issue, he knew exactly what I meant: “This pressure to always overperform can really burn out charismatic people. We no longer allow ourselves to be human, and no one can live like that.” ([Location 3343](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3343)) > The idea that drawing attention to your vulnerabilities would ultimately enhance your power may seem counterintuitive. But showing vulnerability and humanity makes you more relatable and helps to avoid the feeling of alienation, which is a real risk when your charisma gives you a touch of the superhuman. ([Location 3350](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3350)) > Putting It into Practice: Showing Vulnerability Think of the next three or four conversations you’re going to have. Pick one or two that have low stakes. Now find a small vulnerability you could share. This should not be something major. ([Location 3370](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3370)) > They have charisma already, but they need the checks and balances, the trusted advice and honest feedback that they no longer get from others, or at least not as much as they would like. I’ve heard this most often from those whose main charisma style is authority, and to a lesser degree from visionary and focus charismatics. ([Location 3395](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3395)) > For Arthur, charisma’s greatest danger is that it gives you the power to convince people even when you’re completely wrong. “I’ve realized that as long as I’m convinced that I’m right, and strongly care about it, I can convince people of anything. And I am no more likely to be right than they are, frankly. It’s just that when I combine logical arguments with emotion, passion, and charisma, it suddenly just feels right for everyone to do what I say.” ([Location 3404](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3404)) > KEY TAKEAWAYS Charisma has a few possible downsides: you can become the target of envy and resentment, others can reveal too much during your interactions, you are held to a higher standard, it can be lonely at the top, and charisma may work even when it shouldn’t. To mitigate envy and resentment, reflect or transfer praise and glory. Highlight others who deserve praise and give people ownership of your success. To stop people from oversharing, interject a “me, too” story, or help them destigmatize if it’s too late to do so. Showing vulnerability will make you more likable and more relatable, and will prevent people from expecting you to be superhuman, all-powerful, all-knowing, and always right. Charisma is a powerful tool—use it responsibly. ([Location 3431](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3431)) ### Conclusion --- Title: The Charisma Myth Author: Olivia Fox Cabane Tags: readwise, books date: 2024-01-30 --- # The Charisma Myth  Author:: Olivia Fox Cabane ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights ### Introduction > We don’t necessarily think of these experiences as charisma, or consider ourselves charismatic, because we assume that charismatic people are magnetic every instant of every day. They aren’t. ([Location 97](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=97)) > The equation that produces charisma is actually fairly simple. All you have to do is give the impression that you possess both high power and high warmth, since charismatic behaviors project a combination of these two qualities. “Fight or flight?” is the power question. “Friend or foe?” is the warmth question. ([Location 115](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=115)) ### Charisma Demystified > Three quick tips to gain an instant charisma boost in conversation: Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences. Reduce how quickly and how often you nod. Pause for two full seconds before you speak. ([Location 168](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=168)) ### The Charismatic Behaviors > CHARISMATIC BEHAVIOR CAN be broken down into three core elements: presence, power, and warmth. ([Location 205](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=205)) > Increasing your ability to be present not only improves your body language, listening skills, and mental focus, it could even enhance your ability to enjoy life. ([Location 276](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=276)) #### Power and Warmth > Being seen as powerful means being perceived as able to affect the world around us, whether through influence on or authority over others, large amounts of money, expertise, intelligence, sheer physical strength, or high social status. We look for clues of power in someone’s appearance, in others’ reaction to this person, and, most of all, in the person’s body language. Warmth, simply put, is goodwill toward others. Warmth tells us whether or not people will want to use whatever power they have in our favor. ([Location 287](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=287)) #### Charismatic Body Language > First, because we can’t consciously control all of our body language, we can’t just broadcast charismatic body language at will. To get all the signals right, we’d need to simultaneously control thousands of elements, from minute vocal fluctuations to the precise degree and kind of tension around our eyes. It’s practically impossible. ([Location 333](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=333)) > would be solved. (Hint: we can, and you’ll learn how.) The second consequence is that our body language expresses our mental state whether we like it or not. Our facial expressions, voice, posture, and all the other components of body language reflect our mental and emotional condition every second. ([Location 337](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=337)) > The placebo effect is the basis for many of the best charisma-enhancing techniques, and we’ll refer to it often throughout the book. ([Location 401](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=401)) > The mind-over-body effect also has a corresponding downside, called the nocebo effect. 6 In this case, the mind creates toxic consequences in the body in reaction to completely fictional causes. ([Location 403](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=403)) ### The Obstacles to Presence, Power, and Warmth > Physical discomfort doesn’t just affect your external state; it also affects your internal state. ([Location 456](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=456)) > Counteracting charisma-impairing physical discomfort is simple: Prevent Recognize Remedy or explain ([Location 461](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=461)) > William Bosl, research scientist at the Harvard-MIT Health Sciences and Technology Program, explains the implications of a recent functional MRI study on belief, disbelief, and uncertainty as follows: 3 “Our brains are wired first to understand, then to believe, and last to disbelieve. Since disbelief requires additional cognitive effort, we get the physiological effects first. And, though this belief may last only a brief moment, it’s enough to produce an emotional and physical reassurance, which can change our thought patterns as well as help alleviate the uncomfortable feelings.” 4 Our physiology responds to visuals well before cognitive disbelief kicks in. In addition, visuals short-circuit our cognitive circuits and go straight to our brain’s emotional levels. ([Location 560](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=560)) ### Overcoming the Obstacles #### Step One: Destigmatize Discomfort > To destigmatize, remind yourself that this internal discomfort, whatever it might be, is a normal part of the human experience and a by-product of one of our brain’s survival mechanisms. It helps to think of others who have experienced what you’re going through, especially if you can think of a person who is like you, but maybe just a step or two ahead—a person you both relate to and admire. ([Location 692](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=692)) > Another way to destigmatize discomfort is to remind yourself that you’re not alone in this experience. ([Location 698](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=698)) > You see, shame is the real killer. Of all the emotions that human beings can feel, it is one of the most toxic to health and happiness. Shame researcher Brené Brown defines it as “the fear of being unlovable: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” ([Location 708](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=708)) > Shame hits us so powerfully because it conveys a message about our fundamental acceptability as human beings. And in basic survival terms, if the tribe rejects you, you die. It is a life-and-death situation. ([Location 710](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=710)) #### Step Two: Neutralize Negativity > Cognitive scientist Steven Hayes suggests that we see negative thoughts as graffiti on a wall. If you’re walking down the street and you see graffiti, you may find it an ugly sight, but just because you see an ugly sight doesn’t mean you’re an ugly person. ([Location 777](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=777)) > Don’t assume your thoughts are accurate. Just because your mind comes up with something doesn’t necessarily mean it has any validity. Assume you’re missing a lot of elements, many of which could be positive. ([Location 791](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=791)) #### Step Three: Rewrite Reality > One charismatic entrepreneur told me: “I decide to interpret everything favorably toward myself. It’s not just that I’m optimistic, I’m actually conveniently deluded.” ([Location 864](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=864)) #### Getting Comfortable with Discomfort ### Creating Charismatic Mental States ### Visualization > Method acting took a different approach. Rather than having people try to control their body language, it went straight to the body language source—the mind—and had the actors strive to become the characters they were aiming to play so that they would really feel the emotions they wanted to convey. Then the thousands of body language signals would flow naturally and congruently. ([Location 1076](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1076)) > Often called the neuropeptide of trust, oxytocin instantly reverses the arousal of the fight-or-flight response. ([Location 1152](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1152)) > One of my favorite neuroscience resources, the Wise Brain Bulletin, suggested that a twenty-second hug is enough to send oxytocin coursing through your veins, and that you can achieve the same effect just by imagining the hug. So the next time you’re feeling anxious, you might want to imagine being wrapped up in a great big hug from someone you care about. ([Location 1153](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1153)) #### Gratitude, Goodwill, and Compassion > Step One: Gratitude and Appreciation ([Location 1186](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1186)) > Step Two: Goodwill and Compassion ([Location 1253](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1253)) > both to project warmth and to create a feeling of warmth in others. When you truly focus on someone’s well-being, you feel more connected to them, it shows across your face, and people perceive you as someone full of warmth. Your charisma quotient soars. ([Location 1255](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1255)) > Step Three: Self-Compassion ([Location 1319](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1319)) #### Using Your Body to Affect Your Mind > curate my playlists considering both tempo and lyrics, and when preparing for a key moment, I’m careful to choose songs that correspond with the mood I’m trying to achieve. I have playlists for self-confidence, warmth, empathy, and patience. I’ve found that it really makes a difference. These playlists are also organized as “pre-speech,” “morning wake-up,” and even “pre–family gatherings” (yes, I’m serious). ([Location 1501](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1501)) ### Different Charisma Styles > Throughout this chapter we’ll look at four distinct kinds of charisma: focus, visionary, kindness, and authority. ([Location 1548](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1548)) #### Focus Charisma: Presence and Confidence > Focus charisma is primarily based on a perception of presence. It gives people the feeling that you are fully present with them, listening to them and absorbing what they say. Focus charisma makes people feel heard, listened to, and understood. Don’t underestimate this kind of charisma; it can be surprisingly powerful. ([Location 1558](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1558)) > What people notice: We assess focus charisma entirely through demeanor. Presence is key: because we can perceive any distracted, inattentive body language, such signals would quickly undermine focus charisma. ([Location 1571](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1571)) > Focus charisma is perhaps the easiest form of charisma to access, and can be surprisingly effective, but it comes with two main risks. The first is that if you display too little power you could come across as too eager, and consequently low-status or even subservient. ([Location 1577](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1577)) > A less common risk is exhibiting too little warmth, which leads to attention that is too intense. If you become laser-focused, your interaction may start to feel like an interview, or, worse yet, an interrogation. ([Location 1580](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1580)) > avoid focus charisma when you need to appear authoritative or during emergencies when you need immediate compliance. ([Location 1587](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1587)) #### Visionary Charisma: Belief and Confidence > Conveying visionary charisma requires the ability to project complete conviction and confidence in a cause. In this way, visionary charisma is based on power. However, it is also based on warmth. Visionary charismatics aren’t necessarily warm people, but they do feel strongly, even passionately, about their vision. And to be truly charismatic, their vision must include a certain amount of nobility and altruism. ([Location 1596](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1596)) > What people notice: We assess visionary charisma primarily through demeanor, which includes body language and behavior. Due to the fact that people tend to accept whatever you project, if you seem inspired, they will assume you have something to be inspired about. For visionary charisma, appearance matters far less than it does for other charisma styles. You could be wearing rags and still successfully convey visionary charisma. ([Location 1601](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1601)) > Once you have it: Visionary charisma can inspire fervent belief and lead monumental change. However, it can also inspire fanatical belief and lead people to disastrous decisions (cult leader Jim Jones persuaded nine hundred people to commit mass suicide). When to use it: Visionary charisma is important at times when you need to inspire people. It’s particularly helpful when you want to inspire creativity. ([Location 1610](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1610)) #### Kindness Charisma: Warmth and Confidence > Kindness charisma is primarily based on warmth. It connects with people’s hearts, and makes them feel welcomed, cherished, embraced, and, most of all, completely accepted. What people notice: Like visionary and focus charisma, kindness charisma comes entirely from body language—specifically your face, and even more specifically your eyes. ([Location 1619](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1619)) > Once you have it: Though kindness charisma is based primarily on warmth, without power you risk coming off as overeager to please. This is where the ability to convey a modicum of power becomes important. ([Location 1628](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1628)) > When to use it: Kindness charisma is perfect anytime you want to create an emotional bond or make people feel safe and comfortable. ([Location 1637](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1637)) #### Authority Charisma: Status and Confidence > This form of charisma is possibly the most powerful one of all. Our instinctive deference to authority can take epic proportions, and, of course, can be equally turned toward good or evil. ([Location 1643](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1643)) > What people notice: Authority charisma is primarily based on a perception of power: the belief that this person has the power to affect our world. We evaluate someone’s authority charisma through four indicators: body language, appearance, title, and the reactions of others. ([Location 1648](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1648)) > Once you have it: Authority charisma has the advantage that you get listened to and often obeyed. It does, however, have several disadvantages: It can inhibit critical thinking in others. It doesn’t invite feedback, so you risk not receiving information you actually need. It can easily make you appear arrogant. ([Location 1678](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1678)) > When to use it: Authority charisma works well in many business situations, and in any situation where you want people to listen and obey. ([Location 1685](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1685)) #### Choosing the Right Charisma > On the other hand, when you’re in a high-stakes situation—about to give a key presentation, or going for a job interview—don’t take the risk of coming across as uncomfortable or inauthentic. In cases like these, it’s best to stick with the behaviors and charisma styles that are most natural to you. ([Location 1764](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1764)) > KEY TAKEAWAYS Choosing the right charisma style depends on your personality, goals, and the situation. ([Location 1767](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1767)) ### Charismatic First Impressions #### The Golden Rule > So how can you make a fantastic first impression? Our default setting here is actually quite simple: people like people who are like them. ([Location 1821](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1821)) > Clothing, essentially, is modern-day tribal wear. ([Location 1828](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1828)) #### Break the Ice > offer a compliment about something the person is wearing. ([Location 1907](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1907)) > Continue with an open-ended question, such as “What’s the story behind it?” The word story has a very strong emotional effect on most people—it sends them straight into storytelling mode, which instantly changes the rapport between the two of you. ([Location 1909](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1909)) > Another good question to break the ice with is “Where are you from?” ([Location 1912](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1912)) > If they start asking about you and you want to refocus the conversation on them, use the bounce back technique. Answer the question with a fact, add a personal note, and redirect the question to them, ([Location 1921](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1921)) > Remember, it’s all about keeping the spotlight on them for as long as possible. ([Location 1924](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1924)) #### Graceful Exits > First, don’t wait too long to end it. Otherwise, you and your partner will feel the strain and become uncomfortable. ([Location 1941](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1941)) > Another way to exit a conversation with grace is to offer something of value: Information: an article, book, or Web site you think might be of use to them A connection: someone they ought to meet whom you know and can introduce them to Visibility: an organization you belong to, where you could invite them to speak Recognition: an award you think they should be nominated for ([Location 1944](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1944)) > Wait until your conversation partner has finished a sentence, and say something to the effect of, “You know, based on what you’ve just said, you really should check out this Web site. If you have a card, I’ll send you the link.” As soon as your counterpart gives you a business card, you have the perfect opportunity to say, “Great! I’ll e-mail you soon. It was a pleasure meeting you.” ([Location 1949](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1949)) ### Speaking—and Listening— with Charisma #### Charismatic Listening > Presence is a cornerstone of effective listening. ([Location 1997](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=1997)) > Master listeners know one extra trick, one simple but extraordinarily effective habit that will make people feel truly listened to and understood: they pause before they answer. ([Location 2012](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2012)) > The next time you’re given a compliment, the following steps will help you skillfully handle the moment: Stop. Absorb the compliment. Enjoy it if you can. Let that second of absorption show on your face. Show the person that they’ve had an impact. Thank them. Saying “Thank you very much” is enough, but you can take it a step further by thanking them for their thoughtfulness or telling them that they’ve made your day. ([Location 2079](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2079)) > The next time you’re given a compliment, the following steps will help you skillfully handle the moment: Stop. Absorb the compliment. Enjoy it if you can. Let that second of absorption show on your face. Show the person that they’ve had an impact. Thank them. Saying “Thank you very much” is enough, but you can take it a step further by thanking them for their thoughtfulness or telling them that they’ve made your day. ([Location 2079](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2079)) > Whenever you can, choose to speak in pictures. You’ll have a much greater impact, and your message will be far more memorable. Visionary charismatics make full use of the power of images. ([Location 2110](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2110)) > Whenever you can, choose to speak in pictures. You’ll have a much greater impact, and your message will be far more memorable. Visionary charismatics make full use of the power of images. ([Location 2110](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2110)) > When you craft your images and metaphors, try to make them sensory-rich: involve as many of the five senses as possible. ([Location 2122](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2122)) > When you craft your images and metaphors, try to make them sensory-rich: involve as many of the five senses as possible. ([Location 2122](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2122)) > Avoid White Elephants ([Location 2130](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2130)) > Avoid White Elephants ([Location 2130](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2130)) > When you tell someone, “No problem,” “Don’t worry,” or “Don’t hesitate to call,” for example, there’s a chance their brain will remember “problem,” “worry,” or “hesitate” instead of your desire to support them. To counter this negative effect, use phrases like “We’ll take care of it” or “Please feel free to call anytime.” ([Location 2137](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2137)) > When you tell someone, “No problem,” “Don’t worry,” or “Don’t hesitate to call,” for example, there’s a chance their brain will remember “problem,” “worry,” or “hesitate” instead of your desire to support them. To counter this negative effect, use phrases like “We’ll take care of it” or “Please feel free to call anytime.” ([Location 2137](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2137)) > Attention is a precious resource, just like time and money. Anytime you ask people to listen to what you say or read what you’ve written, you’re asking them to spend both their time and their attention on you. You’re asking them to give you some of their resources. ([Location 2141](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2141)) > Attention is a precious resource, just like time and money. Anytime you ask people to listen to what you say or read what you’ve written, you’re asking them to spend both their time and their attention on you. You’re asking them to give you some of their resources. ([Location 2141](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2141)) > You can deliver value to others in multiple ways: Entertainment: Make your e-mail or meeting enjoyable. Information: Give interesting or informative content that they can use. Good feelings: Find ways to make them feel important or good about themselves. ([Location 2144](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2144)) > You can deliver value to others in multiple ways: Entertainment: Make your e-mail or meeting enjoyable. Information: Give interesting or informative content that they can use. Good feelings: Find ways to make them feel important or good about themselves. ([Location 2144](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2144)) > When the MIT Media Lab concluded that they could predict the success of sales calls without listening to a single word, these are the only two measurements they needed: Ratio of speaking to listening Amount of voice fluctuation ([Location 2166](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2166)) > When the MIT Media Lab concluded that they could predict the success of sales calls without listening to a single word, these are the only two measurements they needed: Ratio of speaking to listening Amount of voice fluctuation ([Location 2166](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2166)) > The degree to which your voice fluctuates affects your persuasiveness and your charisma. Increasing voice fluctuation means making your voice vary in any of the following ways: pitch (high or low), volume (loud or quiet), tone (resonant or hollow), tempo (fast or slow), or rhythm (fluid or staccato). ([Location 2169](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2169)) > The degree to which your voice fluctuates affects your persuasiveness and your charisma. Increasing voice fluctuation means making your voice vary in any of the following ways: pitch (high or low), volume (loud or quiet), tone (resonant or hollow), tempo (fast or slow), or rhythm (fluid or staccato). ([Location 2169](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2169)) > Pitch and tone: The lower, more resonant, and more baritone your voice, the more impact it will have. Volume: One of the first things an actor learns to do on stage is to project his voice, which means gaining the ability to modulate its volume and aim it in such a targeted way that specific portions of the audience can hear it, even from afar. One classic exercise to hone your projection skills is to imagine that your words are arrows. As you speak, aim them at different groups of listeners. Tempo: A slow, measured tempo with frequent pauses conveys confidence. ([Location 2176](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2176)) > Pitch and tone: The lower, more resonant, and more baritone your voice, the more impact it will have. Volume: One of the first things an actor learns to do on stage is to project his voice, which means gaining the ability to modulate its volume and aim it in such a targeted way that specific portions of the audience can hear it, even from afar. One classic exercise to hone your projection skills is to imagine that your words are arrows. As you speak, aim them at different groups of listeners. Tempo: A slow, measured tempo with frequent pauses conveys confidence. ([Location 2176](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2176)) > There’s only one thing you need to do in order to project more warmth in your voice: smile. ([Location 2192](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2192)) > There’s only one thing you need to do in order to project more warmth in your voice: smile. ([Location 2192](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2192)) ### Charismatic Body Language ### Charismatic Body Language #### Conscious Mirroring #### Conscious Mirroring > This tendency to mimic the body language of others is technically called limbic resonance, and it’s hardwired into the human brain. Limbic resonance is made possible thanks to a certain class of neurons called oscillators, which coordinate people physically by regulating how and when their bodies move together. ([Location 2268](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2268)) > This tendency to mimic the body language of others is technically called limbic resonance, and it’s hardwired into the human brain. Limbic resonance is made possible thanks to a certain class of neurons called oscillators, which coordinate people physically by regulating how and when their bodies move together. ([Location 2268](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2268)) > Imitating someone’s body language is an easy way to establish trust and rapport. This technique, which is often called mirroring or mimicking, is the conscious application of something that many charismatic people do instinctively. When you consciously mirror someone’s body language, you activate deep instincts of trust and liking. ([Location 2273](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2273)) > Imitating someone’s body language is an easy way to establish trust and rapport. This technique, which is often called mirroring or mimicking, is the conscious application of something that many charismatic people do instinctively. When you consciously mirror someone’s body language, you activate deep instincts of trust and liking. ([Location 2273](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2273)) > But what about cases in which the other person is exhibiting negative body language? Do you still mirror then? Well, it depends. In some situations, you want to first mirror their body language, then gradually lead it in a more positive direction. ([Location 2312](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2312)) > But what about cases in which the other person is exhibiting negative body language? Do you still mirror then? Well, it depends. In some situations, you want to first mirror their body language, then gradually lead it in a more positive direction. ([Location 2312](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2312)) > On the other hand, there are instances where you do not want to mirror a person’s body language. If their demeanor is angry or defensive, mirroring would only escalate the tension. Say you’re meeting with a manager who has denied a request you made, and who is sitting in a defensive position—leaning back with his arms and legs crossed and his hands balled into fists. Rather than mirroring, try breaking him out of his posture by handing him something: a piece of paper or a pen—whatever works. And then, as soon as he’s in a new position, distract him by giving him new information or changing the subject while you mirror his posture to reestablish rapport. ([Location 2327](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2327)) > On the other hand, there are instances where you do not want to mirror a person’s body language. If their demeanor is angry or defensive, mirroring would only escalate the tension. Say you’re meeting with a manager who has denied a request you made, and who is sitting in a defensive position—leaning back with his arms and legs crossed and his hands balled into fists. Rather than mirroring, try breaking him out of his posture by handing him something: a piece of paper or a pen—whatever works. And then, as soon as he’s in a new position, distract him by giving him new information or changing the subject while you mirror his posture to reestablish rapport. ([Location 2327](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2327)) #### Personal Space #### Personal Space > Being charismatic means making others feel comfortable, at ease, and good about themselves when they are around us. In nonverbal communication, one crucial element for making people feel at ease and establishing rapport is respecting the amount of personal space people need to be comfortable. Conversely, not respecting people’s personal-space preferences can create high levels of discomfort, and those emotions could become associated with you. It’s worth paying attention. ([Location 2341](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2341)) > Being charismatic means making others feel comfortable, at ease, and good about themselves when they are around us. In nonverbal communication, one crucial element for making people feel at ease and establishing rapport is respecting the amount of personal space people need to be comfortable. Conversely, not respecting people’s personal-space preferences can create high levels of discomfort, and those emotions could become associated with you. It’s worth paying attention. ([Location 2341](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2341)) > The next time you want to establish warm rapport with someone, avoid a confrontational seating arrangement and instead sit either next to or at a 90-degree angle from them. These are the positions in which we feel most comfortable. ([Location 2361](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2361)) > The next time you want to establish warm rapport with someone, avoid a confrontational seating arrangement and instead sit either next to or at a 90-degree angle from them. These are the positions in which we feel most comfortable. ([Location 2361](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2361)) #### Your Eyes, the Windows to Your Soul #### Your Eyes, the Windows to Your Soul > Good eye contact is incredibly important. Profound eye contact can have a powerful impact on people; it can communicate empathy and give an impression of thoughtfulness, wisdom, and intelligence. You simply cannot be charismatic without it. In fact, eye contact is one of the main ways charismatic masters make you feel that you are the most important person in the room. ([Location 2374](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2374)) > Good eye contact is incredibly important. Profound eye contact can have a powerful impact on people; it can communicate empathy and give an impression of thoughtfulness, wisdom, and intelligence. You simply cannot be charismatic without it. In fact, eye contact is one of the main ways charismatic masters make you feel that you are the most important person in the room. ([Location 2374](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2374)) > Anthropologist Helen Fisher explains that when you stare with intensity at someone, it can speed up their heart rate and send a hormone called phenylethylamine, or PEA, coursing through their bloodstream. PEA is the same hormone that produces the phenomenon we call love at first sight. ([Location 2377](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2377)) > Anthropologist Helen Fisher explains that when you stare with intensity at someone, it can speed up their heart rate and send a hormone called phenylethylamine, or PEA, coursing through their bloodstream. PEA is the same hormone that produces the phenomenon we call love at first sight. ([Location 2377](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2377)) #### The Right Posture for Nonverbal Power #### The Right Posture for Nonverbal Power > This kind of high-status, high-confidence body language is characterized by how few movements are made. Composed people exhibit a level of stillness, which is sometimes described as poise. They avoid extraneous, superfluous gestures such as fidgeting with their clothes, their hair, or their faces, incessantly nodding their heads, or saying “um” before sentences. ([Location 2490](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2490)) > When you want to increase your poise, there are three major issues to look out for. The first is excessive or rapid nodding. Nodding once for emphasis or to express agreement is fine and can be an effective communication method, but nodding three or four times in rapid succession is not. This is what one of my clients has come to call “the bobble head.” The second hindrance is excessive verbal reassurance: making a sound, such as “uh-huh,” or a half-sentence, such as “Oh, I agree.” Done once, and consciously, this is fine; multiple times per sentence is not. ([Location 2501](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2501)) > The third issue is restlessness or fidgeting (tapping your pencil or foot, or rearranging items on the table). Fidgeting decreases presence, thus charisma. Even when you have warmth, confidence, and are mentally present, if you are physically restless, you can’t be charismatic. ([Location 2505](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2505)) > Catch yourself when you find yourself nodding or verbally reassuring, and try to replace it with stillness and silence. Aim to get comfortable with silence, inserting pauses between your sentences or even midsentence. ([Location 2519](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2519)) > If they’re looking insecure and you think they need to be reassured, ramp up the amount of warmth you’re projecting. Use any of the warmth-enhancing visualizations you gained in Chapter 5 or the verbal warmth techniques from Chapter 8, and adapt your body language to theirs. On the other hand, when you’d like to be seen as a confident peer or a respected boss, focus on poise and containment and limit your reassurance. Rather than synchronizing your body language with theirs (unless theirs is the very essence of confidence you want to display), keep to your own rhythms and maintain your confident, contained posture. ([Location 2532](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2532)) > Difficult Situations ([Location 2555](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2555)) #### Dealing with Difficult People > What magical charisma tricks might I have, he asked, to win over that entire board? Divide and Conquer My first recommendation to Peter was simple: don’t try to win them all over all at once. ([Location 2569](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2569)) > But in general, when you have a group of difficult people to convince, you’ll have much greater chances of success if you work on each of them individually. ([Location 2574](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2574)) > This technique has become known as the Ben Franklin Effect. Having lent Franklin the book, the opponent had to either consider himself as inconsistent (having done a favor for someone he disliked) or rationalize his action by deciding that he actually rather liked Franklin. ([Location 2595](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2595)) > How can you use this technique to your advantage? You could indeed ask your opponents for their help or ask them for a favor. Better still, ask them for something they can give without incurring any cost: their opinion. Asking for someone’s opinion is a better strategy than asking for their advice, because giving advice feels like more effort, as they have to tailor a recommendation to your situation, whereas with an opinion, they can just spout whatever is on their mind. ([Location 2600](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2600)) > I always have Play-Doh on hand for people to play with when they come see me. ([Location 2699](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2699)) > There are four crucial steps to charismatically delivering criticism. First, think about your timing and the location. Try to be as empathetic as possible in your choice of both. ([Location 2731](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2731)) > Second, get into the right mindset, one of compassion and empathy. ([Location 2735](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2735)) > Accessing kindness or focus charisma will ease the situation, whereas authority charisma would worsen it. ([Location 2737](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2737)) > Third, decide exactly what points you want to make: be specific. Focusing on a few key points rather than making an exhaustive list will prevent the other person from feeling overwhelmed. ([Location 2744](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2744)) > Fourth, depersonalize. As much as possible, communicate that what you’re critiquing is the behavior, not the person. ([Location 2746](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2746)) > While you listen, be fully present, and try to avoid preparing your response. Instead, focus your entire attention on determining precisely what the complaint is. Ask questions to make sure you understand. ([Location 2834](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2834)) > Just coming into a conversation with the mindset of “Help me understand how you see things” can change the outcome completely. ([Location 2839](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2839)) > On the phone, always ask, “Is this a good time for you?” before launching into conversation. ([Location 2861](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2861)) > Do not answer the phone in a warm or friendly manner. Instead, answer crisply and professionally. Then, only after you hear who is calling, let warmth or even enthusiasm pour forth in your voice. This simple technique is an easy and effective way to make people feel special. ([Location 2881](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2881)) ### Presenting with Charisma #### Constructing a Charismatic Message > Stories have a particularly strong impact on people. In fact, audiences will often remember first the story, and only second the point the story was making. ([Location 2936](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2936)) > For your stories to be most effective, choose characters that are similar to the people in your audience to make them more relatable and make them as entertaining (and short!) as a Hollywood sneak preview. ([Location 2938](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2938)) #### Creating a Charismatic Appearance #### Rehearsing for Charisma > Another good practice is to have your speech audiotaped or, better yet, videotaped, and to count what professional speakers call irritants. These are any sounds or movements that do not add to your message. Because the audience is watching your every move, every sound and facial expression you make is a form of communication that demands a portion of their attention. ([Location 2988](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=2988)) #### Projecting Power > First, when you stand, be sure to have a wide stance, well balanced on both feet. ([Location 3004](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3004)) > Second, practice without a podium or a lectern. Speaking behind one can give the impression that you’re fearful to venture out, ([Location 3006](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3006)) > Third, find the right volume to project confidence. ([Location 3009](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3009)) > A fireside chat is a comfortable conversation that creates a sense of intimacy. Imagine sitting by a fire telling stories to your favorite friends or having a comfortable conversation with just one person. To make your audience feel particularly special, speak as if you were sharing a secret. Another way to make people feel special as you roam about the stage is to give one to two seconds of eye contact per person. ([Location 3017](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3017)) > Pausing is equally critical to end your presentations. Don’t run off stage. ([Location 3056](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3056)) > After your last words, pause, then say “Thank you” and stay there while you endure the applause for a few seconds. ([Location 3059](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3059)) > Putting It into Practice: Speech Day Checklist ♦ Arrive early if you can; walk the stage to visualize and own the stage. ♦ Go into a quiet room nearby, and use internal tools such as visualization to get into a state of confidence and warmth. ♦ Pause before you start. Count three beats, facing the audience, before you begin to speak. ([Location 3105](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3105)) > ♦ During the presentation, expect things to go wrong—whether an external disruption or your flubbing something. ♦ Use the midcourse corrections tools you’ve just learned. Take it with humanity and invite the audience into this mistake as a shared joke. ♦ Throughout your speech, remember to pause, breathe, and slow down. ♦ Don’t run off stage; pause after your last words. ([Location 3110](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3110)) > Your presentation should have one main, simple, crystal-clear message, supported by three to five key points. ([Location 3115](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3115)) ### Charisma in a Crisis > First, retain at least a certain measure of equanimity. Most charismatic leaders are known for their ability to remain (or appear) calm even in the midst of turbulent circumstances. ([Location 3139](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3139)) > Second, express high expectations. Sometimes, simply assigning to people the labels you want them to live up to is enough. ([Location 3153](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3153)) > Third, articulate a vision. A charismatic vision is what will give your charisma staying power when the crisis is over. ([Location 3161](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3161)) > To be charismatic, your vision must vividly illustrate the difference between the way things are now and the way they could be. ([Location 3166](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3166)) > Once you have expressed your vision, be bold and decisive. ([Location 3172](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3172)) ### The Charismatic Life > All forms of charisma come at a cost; what the cost is depends on the charisma style you choose. In this final chapter you will learn a few potential side effects of charisma and how to best handle them. ([Location 3203](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3203)) > You Become a Magnet for Praise as Well as Envy ([Location 3205](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3205)) > You’re going to have to compensate for your charisma in order to limit the jealousy and resentment others may feel. You have three choices: you can refuse the glory, reflect the glory, or transfer the glory. ([Location 3209](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3209)) > This technique is, in fact, known as a Clinton classic. During his tenure in the White House, Bill Clinton was known to go around asking everyone, from his chef to his janitor, for their opinion on foreign policy. He’d listen intently, and in subsequent conversations would refer back to the opinion they’d offered. When people feel that they’ve had a hand in “making” you, they feel a certain ownership of and identification with you, and therefore a certain responsibility for your success. ([Location 3236](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3236)) #### People Can Reveal Too Much > Over the years I’ve realized that this feeling of a safe cocoon can have other side effects. Sometimes, without realizing it, as people feel so safe and strong, they’ll venture too close to their own demons, ones that they’re not ready to face. This challenge is one of the few downsides that can accompany kindness or focus charisma. ([Location 3295](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3295)) > It’s not easy, however, to slow people down when they’re in the middle of this kind of experience without leaving them feeling hurt and rejected. Here are a few “soft landing” approaches to try: Pay attention. When they start sharing, ask yourself: Will they regret having said this tomorrow? As soon as you hear them start to say something you think they may regret, interject a “me, too” story. This is the one case where interruption is warranted. Ideally, this would be something you’ve personally experienced, second best would be something that someone close to you has experienced, and third best would be something you’ve heard about. ([Location 3307](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3307)) > When you turn on your charisma full blast, you create a kind of reality distortion field around you. It’s a bit like hypnosis; people can go into an altered state in your presence. And just as a hypnotist must take care when leading people out of a trance, so must you. You’re putting them under the spell of your presence, ([Location 3330](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3330)) #### You’re in the Spotlight and Held to Higher Standards > J. R. Wurster, the CEO of a small Los Angeles–based film company, gives off such a laid-back vibe that he’s the last person I’d have expected to feel pressured by the spotlight. And yet when I mentioned this issue, he knew exactly what I meant: “This pressure to always overperform can really burn out charismatic people. We no longer allow ourselves to be human, and no one can live like that.” ([Location 3343](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3343)) > The idea that drawing attention to your vulnerabilities would ultimately enhance your power may seem counterintuitive. But showing vulnerability and humanity makes you more relatable and helps to avoid the feeling of alienation, which is a real risk when your charisma gives you a touch of the superhuman. ([Location 3350](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3350)) > Putting It into Practice: Showing Vulnerability Think of the next three or four conversations you’re going to have. Pick one or two that have low stakes. Now find a small vulnerability you could share. This should not be something major. ([Location 3370](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3370)) > They have charisma already, but they need the checks and balances, the trusted advice and honest feedback that they no longer get from others, or at least not as much as they would like. I’ve heard this most often from those whose main charisma style is authority, and to a lesser degree from visionary and focus charismatics. ([Location 3395](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3395)) > For Arthur, charisma’s greatest danger is that it gives you the power to convince people even when you’re completely wrong. “I’ve realized that as long as I’m convinced that I’m right, and strongly care about it, I can convince people of anything. And I am no more likely to be right than they are, frankly. It’s just that when I combine logical arguments with emotion, passion, and charisma, it suddenly just feels right for everyone to do what I say.” ([Location 3404](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3404)) > KEY TAKEAWAYS Charisma has a few possible downsides: you can become the target of envy and resentment, others can reveal too much during your interactions, you are held to a higher standard, it can be lonely at the top, and charisma may work even when it shouldn’t. To mitigate envy and resentment, reflect or transfer praise and glory. Highlight others who deserve praise and give people ownership of your success. To stop people from oversharing, interject a “me, too” story, or help them destigmatize if it’s too late to do so. Showing vulnerability will make you more likable and more relatable, and will prevent people from expecting you to be superhuman, all-powerful, all-knowing, and always right. Charisma is a powerful tool—use it responsibly. ([Location 3431](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B005GSZZ24&location=3431)) ### Conclusion