# The Ethical Slut  Author:: Janet W. Hardy, Dossie Easton ## Highlights > Is having less sex somehow more virtuous than having more? We think not. We measure the ethics of good sluts not by the number of their partners, but by the respect and care with which they treat them. ([Location 342](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=342)) > “EASY” Is there, we wonder, some virtue in being difficult? ([Location 381](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=381)) > MYTH #1: LONG-TERM MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE ONLY REAL RELATIONSHIPS. ([Location 393](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=393)) > MYTH #2: ROMANTIC LOVE IS THE ONLY REAL LOVE. ([Location 408](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=408)) > MYTH #3: SEXUAL DESIRE IS A DESTRUCTIVE FORCE. ([Location 415](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=415)) > MYTH #4: THE ONLY MORAL WAY TO HAVE SEX IS WITHIN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. ([Location 423](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=423)) > MYTH #5: LOVING SOMEONE MAKES IT OKAY TO CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR. ([Location 429](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=429)) > MYTH #6: JEALOUSY IS INEVITABLE AND IMPOSSIBLE TO OVERCOME. ([Location 434](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=434)) > MYTH #7: OUTSIDE INVOLVEMENTS REDUCE INTIMACY IN THE PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP. ([Location 444](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=444)) > MYTH #8: LOVE CONQUERS ALL. ([Location 461](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=461)) ### OUR BELIEFS > First and foremost, ethical sluts value consent. ([Location 521](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=521)) > Ethical sluts are honest— with ourselves and others. ([Location 525](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=525)) > Ethical sluts recognize the ramifications of our sexual choices. ([Location 528](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=528)) > A relationship may be valuable simply because it affords pleasure to those involved; there is nothing wrong with sex for sex’s sake. Or it might involve sex as a pathway to other lovely things—intimacy, connection, companionship, even love—which in no way changes the basic goodness of the pleasurable sex. ([Location 586](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=586)) > Many people believe, explicitly or implicitly, that our capacities for love, intimacy, and connection are finite, that there is never enough to go around, and that if you give some to one person, you must be taking some away from another. We call this belief a “starvation economy.” ([Location 604](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=604)) ### SLUT STYLES > As we said in The New Bottoming Book, “Every orgasm is a spiritual experience. Think of a moment of perfect wholeness, of yourself in perfect unity, of expanded awareness that transcends the split between mind and body and integrates all the parts of you in ecstatic consciousness….When you bring spiritual awareness to your sexual practice, you can become directly conscious of—connected to—that divinity that always flows through you….For us, sex is already an opportunity to see God.” ([Location 851](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=851)) ### BATTLING SEX NEGATIVITY ### BUILDING A CULTURE OF CONSENT ### INFINITE POSSIBILITIES > sluthood lives in the brain, not between the legs, and can fit comfortably and joyously into whatever consensual sexual and relationship pattern you choose. ([Location 1173](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1173)) > any kind of sexual freedom must include the freedom to not have sex, without being pestered or pathologized. ([Location 1177](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1177)) > friendship is an excellent reason to have sex, and that sex is an excellent way to maintain a friendship. ([Location 1203](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1203)) > One of the newer terms in the poly lexicon, relationship anarchy, refers to a lifestyle decision not to take one partner as a “primary” and others as “secondaries” (or any hierarchy of that kind) but instead to maintain each relationship as separate and to make as few rules as possible. ([Location 1224](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1224)) > When you figure out what you want and ask for it, you’ll be surprised how often the answer is yes. ([Location 1258](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1258)) > Monogamish is an agreement between both halves of a couple that their bond takes precedence over any outside connections, but that the occasional brief fling is acceptable and perhaps even desirable for keeping the home fires burning. ([Location 1265](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1265)) ### ABUNDANCE > Erections may come and go, but the rest of the nervous system works pretty much all the time. Before you give up on polyamory because of the tyranny of hydraulics, we suggest you investigate at least some of these possibilities (take a look at chapter 23, “Sex and Pleasure,” and some of the books in Further Reading). ([Location 1469](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1469)) > Remember outercourse. Remember the huge range of sexual delights that don’t have any relationship whatsoever to erections. Remember sensuality. Rediscover massage for its own sake. Share a fabulously smutty conversation about what you’d like to do to each other. ([Location 1471](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1471)) ### SLUT SKILLS > OWNING YOUR FEELINGS A basic precept of intimate communication is that each person owns their own feelings. No one “makes” you feel jealous or insecure— the person who makes you feel that way is you. ([Location 1631](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1631)) ### BOUNDARIES ### THE UNETHICAL SLUT > Some people think of “flirting” as what you do in environments that are not erotically oriented and “cruising” as what you do in clubs, conferences, bars, and other places where people often seek sex partners. Or you might see flirting as a more introductory maneuver and cruising as what you do when you know for sure that you’re interested. Both involve an exchange of sexual energy in the form of eye contact, body language, smiles and warmth, and little flashes of erotic energy that can be shared long before any physical contact would be appropriate. ([Location 1887](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1887)) > People raised as men in this culture are taught to push, insist, never take no for an answer; those raised as women are taught to be coy, duck and dodge, never offer an outright yes. ([Location 1892](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1892)) > Practice flirting for fun and maybe put aside, for the moment, any specific goals about getting laid. Focus on getting good connection. Watch the way many gay men flirt with straight women—friendly flattery, lighthearted innuendo, nonthreatening intimacy, all made possible by the realization that the interaction is intended simply for mutual pleasure, not in the hopes of a quick dash to the nearest bedroom. ([Location 1932](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1932)) > Great flirting is about seeing; hunger to be seen is a natural human emotion, and when you show people that you’re seeing them, it’s natural for them to start seeing you. ([Location 1936](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1936)) > One popular safer-sex strategy used by some couples and small groups is called fluid bonding or fluid monogamy. The primary couple or group agrees that they are safe to play with each other with no barriers, and that they will use condoms, dams, and/or gloves very conscientiously with all their other partners. ([Location 2128](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2128)) ### ROADMAPS THROUGH JEALOUSY > Let us point out that monogamy is not a cure for jealousy. ([Location 2419](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2419)) > If you believe that jealousy is natural rather than a social construct, it’s easy to use it as justification to go berserk and stop being a sane, responsible, and ethical human being. ([Location 2427](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2427)) #### What Is Jealousy? > Jealousy is not a single emotion. It can show up as grief or rage, hatred or self-loathing—jealousy is an umbrella word that covers the wide range of emotions we might feel when our partners make sexual connection with somebody else. Jealousy may be an expression of insecurity, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, or feeling left out, not good enough, inadequate, or awful. Your jealousy may be based in territoriality or in competitiveness or in some other emotion that’s clamoring to be heard under the jealous racket in your brain. Sometimes it may show up as blind screaming rage—and being blind makes it very difficult to see. ([Location 2464](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2464)) #### Unlearning Jealousy > The challenge comes in learning to establish within yourself a strong foundation of safety in your relationship that is not dependent on sexual exclusivity. ([Location 2535](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2535)) #### Disempowering Your Jealousy > “Acting out’ means doing things you don’t understand, driven by emotions you have refused to be aware of, in ways you may regret later.” ([Location 2578](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2578)) > Khalil Gibran wrote something truly profound about the nature of pain: “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” ([Location 2608](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2608)) > Make a list of ten things your partner could do that would reassure you. Avoid abstractions—focus on behaviors, not emotions. “Love me more” is an emotion and thus hard to act on; how will you know that your partner loves you more? “Bring me a rose” is a behavior that anybody with a dollar can perform. ([Location 2670](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2670)) #### When You Are the Third Party #### Remember the Good Stuff > Make a list of ten or more reasons why your partner is lucky to have you. Put the list in your pocket and carry it around with you for a few days. Make a list of ten or more reasons why you are lucky to have this partner. Maybe you and this partner could both make lists and share them. ([Location 2767](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2767)) > A couple we know tell us that they have developed a convention in their relationship that each can ask the other for what they call a “jelly moment.” In your jelly moment, you get to say what’s bothering you. ([Location 2772](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2772)) ### EMBRACING CONFLICT #### Win-Win Solutions > A good fight starts with the understanding that for a fight to be successful, everyone has to win. If one person wins a fight and another loses, the problem that caused the fight has not been resolved: it is naive to imagine that just because you’ve “lost,” you’ve given up your interest in whatever issue is at stake. ([Location 2867](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2867)) > So what’s wrong with wanting attention? Isn’t there plenty? Remember about starvation economies: Don’t shortchange yourself. You do not have to be content with little dribs and drabs of comfort, attention, support, reassurance, and love. You get to have all you want. ([Location 3057](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3057)) ### MAKING AGREEMENTS > Most successful relationships, from casual acquaintanceship through lifetime monogamy, are based on assumptions that are really unstated agreements about behavior: you don’t kiss your mailman, you don’t tip your mother. These are the unspoken rules we learn very early in our lives from our parents, our playmates, and our cultures. People who break these unspoken rules are often considered odd, sometimes even crazy, because the values and judgments behind the social agreements about how we relate to one another are so deeply ingrained that we are usually not even aware that we have made any agreement at all. ([Location 3063](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3063)) > You’ll often hear people talking about the rules of their relationships. But “rules” implies a certain rigidity, that there is a right way and a wrong way to run your relationship and that there will be penalties if you do it wrong. We understand that there are many different ways that people may choose to relate to each other, so we prefer to use the word agreements to describe mutually agreed-upon, conscious decisions, flexible enough to accommodate individuality, growth, and change. These agreements are sometimes a little fuzzy, particularly if you’re used to the hard edges of rules. A little fuzziness is okay: your agreement will either get clarified later if it needs to be—or it won’t, in which case it’s probably clear enough. ([Location 3071](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3071)) > How do you know when you need an agreement? You can tell by listening to your emotions. If something comes up that leaves you feeling upset or angry or invisible or whatever, that’s an area in which you and your sweetie may need to discuss making an agreement. ([Location 3078](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3078)) #### Consent > To achieve this kind of active consent, everyone involved must accept responsibility for knowing their own feelings and communicating them—but this isn’t always easy. ([Location 3112](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3112)) > Blaming, manipulation, bullying, and moral condemnation do not belong in the agreement-making process. ([Location 3123](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3123)) > many negative agreements are really about protecting your partner from feeling hurt or jealous; we’re not big fans of these, although we recognize that they sometimes have their place as an intermediate step. We think that the best agreements to protect your partner from emotional pain are positive rather than restrictive: let’s have a special date next weekend, I will find time to listen to you when you hurt, I’ll tell you how much I love you again and again. ([Location 3148](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3148)) #### On Veto Power > In making the decision to open up to new partners, one of the steps many people in closed relationships take is to try “veto power”—where an existing partner has the right to “veto” their partner’s outside sexual or romantic connections. ([Location 3245](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3245)) > If agreeing to veto power increases your sense of security during the early days of opening your relationships, that’s fine. But we suspect that if you decide to drop the formal veto power and move toward a more fluid process of accepting outside partners, you’ll notice very little difference in the way your relationship actually works—unless, of course, it actually works better. ([Location 3260](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3260)) #### Reaching Agreement > A goal is not the same as an agreement: your goal is what you’re trying to accomplish, and your agreement is the means you’re using to try to get there. ([Location 3286](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3286)) ### OPENING AN EXISTING RELATIONSHIP > In our experience, though, it’s much more common that one person wants to open the door to outside connections and another hasn’t ever even considered it and is appalled by the idea. ([Location 3330](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3330)) > A lot of people don’t really think about monogamy until they make a connection with someone who feels important to them and they don’t want to give up their beloved or get a divorce or split up the kids. ([Location 3333](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3333)) > The Adventurous Lover ([Location 3341](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3341)) > When you place your desire for an open relationship on the table and someone you love has a hard time with it, you will probably feel very guilty. ([Location 3346](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3346)) #### The Outside Lover #### The One Who Chose None of This > It is unfair, of course, that you’re being asked to do hard emotional work that you never chose to do. Is there any reason why you should have to work so hard? Is there anything in it for you? Well, quite possibly there is. Perhaps this work will make you stronger. Perhaps you will make an unexpected journey into your own capacities: maybe you too have the ability to love more than one person. Perhaps it will improve your communication skills and deepen your relationship. Perhaps learning that your beloved will still come home to you after an adventure will end up making you feel more secure. Perhaps it will free you from traditional views of relationship as ownership, opening new horizons for connecting. Perhaps it will give you much-needed personal time. Perhaps it will improve your sex life. Perhaps you can see a faint gleam of a possible freedom somewhere on the horizon. ([Location 3372](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3372)) > whatever you do, it will be because you’re looking at all your possibilities and choosing —not reacting blindly, not doing what you’ve been told, not choosing the easy way just because it’s easy, but making your own, informed, heartfelt choice. ([Location 3381](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3381)) #### Cheating #### First Openings > A good way to start would be to sit down together in a peaceful place and compare your visions of a more open future. Perhaps you could each write a little about what your relationship would look like if it were perfect, and perfectly easy. When you compare notes, you may find out that you have very different visions: one person may want to be the Queen of Sluts at sex parties; another may be looking for a lover who wants to go backpacking and make out on a mountainside. One of you may be yearning for anonymous sex with no obligations; another may desire an ongoing relationship with one or two people who stay connected and join the family. Don’t panic. You don’t have to want the exact same thing, and you can figure out agreements that make it possible for you both to make your dreams come true. ([Location 3435](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3435)) #### Designing Your Learning Curve > Think very hard about any agreements that add up to “Don’t have too much fun.” Agreements about safer sex, of course, are required. ([Location 3477](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3477)) > You have the right to expect your beloved to be open with prospective partners about your existence. ([Location 3481](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3481)) #### Taking Some Tiny Risks ### MAKING CONNECTION #### What? > A good place to start is by imagining what kind of relationship you want. Do you want someone with whom you can buy a house and raise a family, someone you can meet once a year for a hot and heavy weekend of role-playing fun, or Ms., Mr., or Mx. Right Now? Knowing what you want up front can prevent a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings later. ([Location 3546](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3546)) #### Who? #### Where? > Entering into a relationship while planning to change your partner is not respectful to your beloved and could make big trouble later on. ([Location 3682](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3682)) ### COUPLES AND GROUPS #### Couplings > Yet many folks find that they’ve gotten into a habit of letting their relationships slide inexorably into life partnership without much thought or intent on their part. (Some clever person coined the term relationship escalator for this pattern, because once you step on, you can’t get off until you reach the end.) Well-meaning friends and acquaintances may aid in this process by assuming that you and your friend are a couple before you’ve ever decided to become one. ([Location 3754](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3754)) #### Special Challenges for Couples > some polyfolk use the word compersion to describe the feeling of joy that comes from seeing your partner sexually happy with someone else. ([Location 3793](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3793)) #### CRUSHES > There is no rule that will protect us from our own emotions, so we need to look beyond rules for solutions and for a sense of security. ([Location 3806](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3806)) #### The Multihouse Couple or Group #### Metamour Relationships > The word metamour is a recent coinage to describe your relationship with your lover’s lovers, and theirs with you. ([Location 3858](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3858)) #### Side by Side by Side by… ### THE SINGLE SLUT > You have the right to be treated with respect—you are not half a person just because you are single. ([Location 3995](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3995)) > You are responsible for developing and maintaining good solid boundaries. ([Location 4017](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4017)) > You are responsible for making clear agreements. ([Location 4020](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4020)) > You are responsible for being clear when what you want to say is no. ([Location 4023](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4023)) > You are responsible for owning your feelings. Learn to handle your own crises and get support from others who are free to be there for you at that particular time. ([Location 4032](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4032)) #### Rainbow of Connections ##### SINGLES WITH SINGLES ##### PARTNER TO A PARTNER > Perhaps your sweetie is in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” agreement; many couples new to nonmonogamy try this one in an attempt to feel safer. In our experience, this sometimes creates problems for all concerned. First, many people find their lovers in their social networks, so keeping them all separate can be difficult or impossible. Or lies must be told to protect the agreement—and then it’s back to the cheating paradigm we just discussed. Maintaining untruths, even when you’re asked to do so, may create distance in any relationship and can be particularly damaging to live-in partnerships, where secrets are a lot harder to keep. ([Location 4063](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4063)) > On the other hand, things are often simpler when everybody is informed about your involvement. ([Location 4068](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4068)) ##### ROLE-CONSTRAINED RELATIONSHIPS > Sometimes your relationship may be defined by the roles you play together, roles that a person’s other partners may not want or enjoy. Your connection could be as simple as a love of watching football on TV or, perhaps more complicated, being the same-sex partner to someone in an opposite-sex marriage. Your shared roles might be about BDSM, erotic role-playing, exploration of gender, spiritual journeying, or any other sharing that the partnership doesn’t provide. ([Location 4093](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4093)) ##### LOVER TO A COUPLE > Do remember that there is privilege in being an outside partner: as one friend of ours puts it, “I get to be dessert!” ([Location 4110](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4110)) ##### GROUPS ### THE EBB AND FLOW OF RELATIONSHIPS > One of the joyous consequences of open sexual lifestyles is that everybody tends to get interconnected in an extended family, sexual circle, or tribe. ([Location 4234](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4234)) ### SEX AND PLEASURE > Perhaps what we call foreplay is a way of seeing just how awake we can get—all excited attention from the tips of our toes out to the ends of our hair—the prickling of the scalp, the tingling in the arch of the foot. ([Location 4305](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4305)) > Sex that’s limited to perfunctory foreplay and then a race down the express track to orgasm is an insult to the human capacity for pleasure. ([Location 4313](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4313)) > Here’s a happy way to answer the question of what is sex: if you or your partner is wondering whether you’re having sex at any given moment, you probably are. We like to use an expanded definition of sex, including more than genitals, more than intercourse, more than penetration, and, while we definitely wouldn’t leave them out, much more than the stimulations that lead to orgasm. We like to think that all sensual stimulation is sexual, from a shared emotion to a shared orgasm. ([Location 4315](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4315)) > Those whose upbringing has consigned them to passivity can fall into the Sleeping Beauty trap—someday my prince will come, and so will I. In the real world, however, someone who is allowed to take their turn at being the active partner is well on the way toward figuring out for themselves and their lovers what works for them to get really, really hot. ([Location 4436](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4436)) > Sexologists who study arousal tell us that turn-on depends on two things: safety and risk. You need to feel safe from harm and secure that your conditions will be met and your wants and needs honored. You also need to feel a little like being at the top of a ski jump, on the threshold of something miraculous and powerful. ([Location 4500](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4500)) > sexually successful people masturbate. You are not jerking or buzzing off because you are a loser, because you can’t find anyone to play with, or because you are desperate to get your rocks off. You’re making love to yourself because you deserve pleasure, and playing with yourself makes you feel good. ([Location 4548](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4548)) #### Toys for Everybody > Don’t forget: grown-ups play with toys. ([Location 4583](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4583)) #### Communicate > Having a limit does not mean that you are inhibited, uptight, no fun, or a permanent victim of American puritanism— it just means you don’t like something. ([Location 4647](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4647)) > Getting turned on requires a physical and mental transition into a different state of consciousness. ([Location 4683](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4683)) > Similarly, we all need to know how we get turned on, what works for us when arousal doesn’t just come of its own accord. ([Location 4686](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4686)) > Some people just charge on in, start sexual stimulation, and keep on until their turn-on catches up with them, and this works for many people much of the time: Dossie once had a partner who liked to leap into cold mountain lakes when they were camping, insisting that you’d get warm eventually if you just thrashed around. ([Location 4696](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4696)) ### PUBLIC SEX, GROUP SEX, AND ORGIES > We live in a society where people learn some pretty warped ideas about sex. Girls learn that they are not supposed to be sexual without falling in love; boys learn that sex is a commodity that you get from another person. Group sex only works when everybody is acknowledged as a person: nobody likes being treated like a means to an end. ([Location 5019](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=5019)) > The world is very fond of binaries: black and white, male and female, mind and body, good and bad. These pairs, we all learn, are opposed: there’s the right way and the wrong way, and our task is to do battle to defend the right and destroy the wrong. ([Location 5187](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=5187)) > Instead of fretting about what’s right or what’s wrong, try valuing whatever is in front of you without viewing anything as in opposition to any other thing. We think that if you can do this, you will discover that there are as many ways to be sexual as there are to be human, and all of them are valid, an abundance of ways to relate, to love, to express gender, to share sex, to form families, to be in the world, to be human…and none of them in any way reduces or invalidates any of the others. ([Location 5195](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=5195)) > When we open our minds to a world beyond opposites, we become able to see beyond unrealistic perfection and unachievable goals. We can free ourselves to be fully conscious of all the wonderful variety and diversity that there is right now in the world, right here, in the present, available to us. ([Location 5199](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=5199)) ## Citation ``` [^ethicalslut]: Hardy, J. W. & Easton, D. (2009). *The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships & other adventures*. Celestial Arts. [[The Ethical Slut|My highlights]]. ``` --- Title: The Ethical Slut Author: Janet W. Hardy, Dossie Easton Tags: readwise, books date: 2024-01-30 --- # The Ethical Slut  Author:: Janet W. Hardy, Dossie Easton ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > Is having less sex somehow more virtuous than having more? We think not. We measure the ethics of good sluts not by the number of their partners, but by the respect and care with which they treat them. ([Location 342](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=342)) > “EASY” Is there, we wonder, some virtue in being difficult? ([Location 381](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=381)) > MYTH #1: LONG-TERM MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE ONLY REAL RELATIONSHIPS. ([Location 393](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=393)) > MYTH #2: ROMANTIC LOVE IS THE ONLY REAL LOVE. ([Location 408](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=408)) > MYTH #3: SEXUAL DESIRE IS A DESTRUCTIVE FORCE. ([Location 415](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=415)) > MYTH #4: THE ONLY MORAL WAY TO HAVE SEX IS WITHIN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. ([Location 423](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=423)) > MYTH #5: LOVING SOMEONE MAKES IT OKAY TO CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR. ([Location 429](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=429)) > MYTH #6: JEALOUSY IS INEVITABLE AND IMPOSSIBLE TO OVERCOME. ([Location 434](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=434)) > MYTH #7: OUTSIDE INVOLVEMENTS REDUCE INTIMACY IN THE PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP. ([Location 444](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=444)) > MYTH #8: LOVE CONQUERS ALL. ([Location 461](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=461)) ### OUR BELIEFS > First and foremost, ethical sluts value consent. ([Location 521](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=521)) > Ethical sluts are honest— with ourselves and others. ([Location 525](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=525)) > Ethical sluts recognize the ramifications of our sexual choices. ([Location 528](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=528)) > A relationship may be valuable simply because it affords pleasure to those involved; there is nothing wrong with sex for sex’s sake. Or it might involve sex as a pathway to other lovely things—intimacy, connection, companionship, even love—which in no way changes the basic goodness of the pleasurable sex. ([Location 586](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=586)) > Many people believe, explicitly or implicitly, that our capacities for love, intimacy, and connection are finite, that there is never enough to go around, and that if you give some to one person, you must be taking some away from another. We call this belief a “starvation economy.” ([Location 604](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=604)) ### SLUT STYLES > As we said in The New Bottoming Book, “Every orgasm is a spiritual experience. Think of a moment of perfect wholeness, of yourself in perfect unity, of expanded awareness that transcends the split between mind and body and integrates all the parts of you in ecstatic consciousness….When you bring spiritual awareness to your sexual practice, you can become directly conscious of—connected to—that divinity that always flows through you….For us, sex is already an opportunity to see God.” ([Location 851](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=851)) ### BATTLING SEX NEGATIVITY ### BUILDING A CULTURE OF CONSENT ### INFINITE POSSIBILITIES > sluthood lives in the brain, not between the legs, and can fit comfortably and joyously into whatever consensual sexual and relationship pattern you choose. ([Location 1173](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1173)) > any kind of sexual freedom must include the freedom to not have sex, without being pestered or pathologized. ([Location 1177](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1177)) > friendship is an excellent reason to have sex, and that sex is an excellent way to maintain a friendship. ([Location 1203](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1203)) > One of the newer terms in the poly lexicon, relationship anarchy, refers to a lifestyle decision not to take one partner as a “primary” and others as “secondaries” (or any hierarchy of that kind) but instead to maintain each relationship as separate and to make as few rules as possible. ([Location 1224](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1224)) > When you figure out what you want and ask for it, you’ll be surprised how often the answer is yes. ([Location 1258](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1258)) > Monogamish is an agreement between both halves of a couple that their bond takes precedence over any outside connections, but that the occasional brief fling is acceptable and perhaps even desirable for keeping the home fires burning. ([Location 1265](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1265)) ### ABUNDANCE > Erections may come and go, but the rest of the nervous system works pretty much all the time. Before you give up on polyamory because of the tyranny of hydraulics, we suggest you investigate at least some of these possibilities (take a look at chapter 23, “Sex and Pleasure,” and some of the books in Further Reading). ([Location 1469](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1469)) > Remember outercourse. Remember the huge range of sexual delights that don’t have any relationship whatsoever to erections. Remember sensuality. Rediscover massage for its own sake. Share a fabulously smutty conversation about what you’d like to do to each other. ([Location 1471](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1471)) ### SLUT SKILLS > OWNING YOUR FEELINGS A basic precept of intimate communication is that each person owns their own feelings. No one “makes” you feel jealous or insecure— the person who makes you feel that way is you. ([Location 1631](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1631)) ### BOUNDARIES ### THE UNETHICAL SLUT > Some people think of “flirting” as what you do in environments that are not erotically oriented and “cruising” as what you do in clubs, conferences, bars, and other places where people often seek sex partners. Or you might see flirting as a more introductory maneuver and cruising as what you do when you know for sure that you’re interested. Both involve an exchange of sexual energy in the form of eye contact, body language, smiles and warmth, and little flashes of erotic energy that can be shared long before any physical contact would be appropriate. ([Location 1887](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1887)) > People raised as men in this culture are taught to push, insist, never take no for an answer; those raised as women are taught to be coy, duck and dodge, never offer an outright yes. ([Location 1892](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1892)) > Practice flirting for fun and maybe put aside, for the moment, any specific goals about getting laid. Focus on getting good connection. Watch the way many gay men flirt with straight women—friendly flattery, lighthearted innuendo, nonthreatening intimacy, all made possible by the realization that the interaction is intended simply for mutual pleasure, not in the hopes of a quick dash to the nearest bedroom. ([Location 1932](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1932)) > Great flirting is about seeing; hunger to be seen is a natural human emotion, and when you show people that you’re seeing them, it’s natural for them to start seeing you. ([Location 1936](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=1936)) > One popular safer-sex strategy used by some couples and small groups is called fluid bonding or fluid monogamy. The primary couple or group agrees that they are safe to play with each other with no barriers, and that they will use condoms, dams, and/or gloves very conscientiously with all their other partners. ([Location 2128](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2128)) ### ROADMAPS THROUGH JEALOUSY > Let us point out that monogamy is not a cure for jealousy. ([Location 2419](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2419)) > If you believe that jealousy is natural rather than a social construct, it’s easy to use it as justification to go berserk and stop being a sane, responsible, and ethical human being. ([Location 2427](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2427)) #### What Is Jealousy? > Jealousy is not a single emotion. It can show up as grief or rage, hatred or self-loathing—jealousy is an umbrella word that covers the wide range of emotions we might feel when our partners make sexual connection with somebody else. Jealousy may be an expression of insecurity, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, or feeling left out, not good enough, inadequate, or awful. Your jealousy may be based in territoriality or in competitiveness or in some other emotion that’s clamoring to be heard under the jealous racket in your brain. Sometimes it may show up as blind screaming rage—and being blind makes it very difficult to see. ([Location 2464](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2464)) #### Unlearning Jealousy > The challenge comes in learning to establish within yourself a strong foundation of safety in your relationship that is not dependent on sexual exclusivity. ([Location 2535](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2535)) #### Disempowering Your Jealousy > “Acting out’ means doing things you don’t understand, driven by emotions you have refused to be aware of, in ways you may regret later.” ([Location 2578](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2578)) > Khalil Gibran wrote something truly profound about the nature of pain: “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” ([Location 2608](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2608)) > Make a list of ten things your partner could do that would reassure you. Avoid abstractions—focus on behaviors, not emotions. “Love me more” is an emotion and thus hard to act on; how will you know that your partner loves you more? “Bring me a rose” is a behavior that anybody with a dollar can perform. ([Location 2670](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2670)) #### When You Are the Third Party #### Remember the Good Stuff > Make a list of ten or more reasons why your partner is lucky to have you. Put the list in your pocket and carry it around with you for a few days. Make a list of ten or more reasons why you are lucky to have this partner. Maybe you and this partner could both make lists and share them. ([Location 2767](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2767)) > A couple we know tell us that they have developed a convention in their relationship that each can ask the other for what they call a “jelly moment.” In your jelly moment, you get to say what’s bothering you. ([Location 2772](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2772)) ### EMBRACING CONFLICT #### Win-Win Solutions > A good fight starts with the understanding that for a fight to be successful, everyone has to win. If one person wins a fight and another loses, the problem that caused the fight has not been resolved: it is naive to imagine that just because you’ve “lost,” you’ve given up your interest in whatever issue is at stake. ([Location 2867](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=2867)) > So what’s wrong with wanting attention? Isn’t there plenty? Remember about starvation economies: Don’t shortchange yourself. You do not have to be content with little dribs and drabs of comfort, attention, support, reassurance, and love. You get to have all you want. ([Location 3057](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3057)) ### MAKING AGREEMENTS > Most successful relationships, from casual acquaintanceship through lifetime monogamy, are based on assumptions that are really unstated agreements about behavior: you don’t kiss your mailman, you don’t tip your mother. These are the unspoken rules we learn very early in our lives from our parents, our playmates, and our cultures. People who break these unspoken rules are often considered odd, sometimes even crazy, because the values and judgments behind the social agreements about how we relate to one another are so deeply ingrained that we are usually not even aware that we have made any agreement at all. ([Location 3063](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3063)) > You’ll often hear people talking about the rules of their relationships. But “rules” implies a certain rigidity, that there is a right way and a wrong way to run your relationship and that there will be penalties if you do it wrong. We understand that there are many different ways that people may choose to relate to each other, so we prefer to use the word agreements to describe mutually agreed-upon, conscious decisions, flexible enough to accommodate individuality, growth, and change. These agreements are sometimes a little fuzzy, particularly if you’re used to the hard edges of rules. A little fuzziness is okay: your agreement will either get clarified later if it needs to be—or it won’t, in which case it’s probably clear enough. ([Location 3071](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3071)) > How do you know when you need an agreement? You can tell by listening to your emotions. If something comes up that leaves you feeling upset or angry or invisible or whatever, that’s an area in which you and your sweetie may need to discuss making an agreement. ([Location 3078](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3078)) #### Consent > To achieve this kind of active consent, everyone involved must accept responsibility for knowing their own feelings and communicating them—but this isn’t always easy. ([Location 3112](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3112)) > Blaming, manipulation, bullying, and moral condemnation do not belong in the agreement-making process. ([Location 3123](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3123)) > many negative agreements are really about protecting your partner from feeling hurt or jealous; we’re not big fans of these, although we recognize that they sometimes have their place as an intermediate step. We think that the best agreements to protect your partner from emotional pain are positive rather than restrictive: let’s have a special date next weekend, I will find time to listen to you when you hurt, I’ll tell you how much I love you again and again. ([Location 3148](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3148)) #### On Veto Power > In making the decision to open up to new partners, one of the steps many people in closed relationships take is to try “veto power”—where an existing partner has the right to “veto” their partner’s outside sexual or romantic connections. ([Location 3245](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3245)) > If agreeing to veto power increases your sense of security during the early days of opening your relationships, that’s fine. But we suspect that if you decide to drop the formal veto power and move toward a more fluid process of accepting outside partners, you’ll notice very little difference in the way your relationship actually works—unless, of course, it actually works better. ([Location 3260](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3260)) #### Reaching Agreement > A goal is not the same as an agreement: your goal is what you’re trying to accomplish, and your agreement is the means you’re using to try to get there. ([Location 3286](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3286)) ### OPENING AN EXISTING RELATIONSHIP > In our experience, though, it’s much more common that one person wants to open the door to outside connections and another hasn’t ever even considered it and is appalled by the idea. ([Location 3330](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3330)) > A lot of people don’t really think about monogamy until they make a connection with someone who feels important to them and they don’t want to give up their beloved or get a divorce or split up the kids. ([Location 3333](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3333)) > The Adventurous Lover ([Location 3341](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3341)) > When you place your desire for an open relationship on the table and someone you love has a hard time with it, you will probably feel very guilty. ([Location 3346](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3346)) #### The Outside Lover #### The One Who Chose None of This > It is unfair, of course, that you’re being asked to do hard emotional work that you never chose to do. Is there any reason why you should have to work so hard? Is there anything in it for you? Well, quite possibly there is. Perhaps this work will make you stronger. Perhaps you will make an unexpected journey into your own capacities: maybe you too have the ability to love more than one person. Perhaps it will improve your communication skills and deepen your relationship. Perhaps learning that your beloved will still come home to you after an adventure will end up making you feel more secure. Perhaps it will free you from traditional views of relationship as ownership, opening new horizons for connecting. Perhaps it will give you much-needed personal time. Perhaps it will improve your sex life. Perhaps you can see a faint gleam of a possible freedom somewhere on the horizon. ([Location 3372](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3372)) > whatever you do, it will be because you’re looking at all your possibilities and choosing —not reacting blindly, not doing what you’ve been told, not choosing the easy way just because it’s easy, but making your own, informed, heartfelt choice. ([Location 3381](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3381)) #### Cheating #### First Openings > A good way to start would be to sit down together in a peaceful place and compare your visions of a more open future. Perhaps you could each write a little about what your relationship would look like if it were perfect, and perfectly easy. When you compare notes, you may find out that you have very different visions: one person may want to be the Queen of Sluts at sex parties; another may be looking for a lover who wants to go backpacking and make out on a mountainside. One of you may be yearning for anonymous sex with no obligations; another may desire an ongoing relationship with one or two people who stay connected and join the family. Don’t panic. You don’t have to want the exact same thing, and you can figure out agreements that make it possible for you both to make your dreams come true. ([Location 3435](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3435)) #### Designing Your Learning Curve > Think very hard about any agreements that add up to “Don’t have too much fun.” Agreements about safer sex, of course, are required. ([Location 3477](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3477)) > You have the right to expect your beloved to be open with prospective partners about your existence. ([Location 3481](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3481)) #### Taking Some Tiny Risks ### MAKING CONNECTION #### What? > A good place to start is by imagining what kind of relationship you want. Do you want someone with whom you can buy a house and raise a family, someone you can meet once a year for a hot and heavy weekend of role-playing fun, or Ms., Mr., or Mx. Right Now? Knowing what you want up front can prevent a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings later. ([Location 3546](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3546)) #### Who? #### Where? > Entering into a relationship while planning to change your partner is not respectful to your beloved and could make big trouble later on. ([Location 3682](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3682)) ### COUPLES AND GROUPS #### Couplings > Yet many folks find that they’ve gotten into a habit of letting their relationships slide inexorably into life partnership without much thought or intent on their part. (Some clever person coined the term relationship escalator for this pattern, because once you step on, you can’t get off until you reach the end.) Well-meaning friends and acquaintances may aid in this process by assuming that you and your friend are a couple before you’ve ever decided to become one. ([Location 3754](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3754)) #### Special Challenges for Couples > some polyfolk use the word compersion to describe the feeling of joy that comes from seeing your partner sexually happy with someone else. ([Location 3793](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3793)) #### CRUSHES > There is no rule that will protect us from our own emotions, so we need to look beyond rules for solutions and for a sense of security. ([Location 3806](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3806)) #### The Multihouse Couple or Group #### Metamour Relationships > The word metamour is a recent coinage to describe your relationship with your lover’s lovers, and theirs with you. ([Location 3858](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3858)) #### Side by Side by Side by… ### THE SINGLE SLUT > You have the right to be treated with respect—you are not half a person just because you are single. ([Location 3995](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=3995)) > You are responsible for developing and maintaining good solid boundaries. ([Location 4017](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4017)) > You are responsible for making clear agreements. ([Location 4020](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4020)) > You are responsible for being clear when what you want to say is no. ([Location 4023](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4023)) > You are responsible for owning your feelings. Learn to handle your own crises and get support from others who are free to be there for you at that particular time. ([Location 4032](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4032)) #### Rainbow of Connections ##### SINGLES WITH SINGLES ##### PARTNER TO A PARTNER > Perhaps your sweetie is in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” agreement; many couples new to nonmonogamy try this one in an attempt to feel safer. In our experience, this sometimes creates problems for all concerned. First, many people find their lovers in their social networks, so keeping them all separate can be difficult or impossible. Or lies must be told to protect the agreement—and then it’s back to the cheating paradigm we just discussed. Maintaining untruths, even when you’re asked to do so, may create distance in any relationship and can be particularly damaging to live-in partnerships, where secrets are a lot harder to keep. ([Location 4063](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4063)) > On the other hand, things are often simpler when everybody is informed about your involvement. ([Location 4068](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4068)) ##### ROLE-CONSTRAINED RELATIONSHIPS > Sometimes your relationship may be defined by the roles you play together, roles that a person’s other partners may not want or enjoy. Your connection could be as simple as a love of watching football on TV or, perhaps more complicated, being the same-sex partner to someone in an opposite-sex marriage. Your shared roles might be about BDSM, erotic role-playing, exploration of gender, spiritual journeying, or any other sharing that the partnership doesn’t provide. ([Location 4093](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4093)) ##### LOVER TO A COUPLE > Do remember that there is privilege in being an outside partner: as one friend of ours puts it, “I get to be dessert!” ([Location 4110](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4110)) ##### GROUPS ### THE EBB AND FLOW OF RELATIONSHIPS > One of the joyous consequences of open sexual lifestyles is that everybody tends to get interconnected in an extended family, sexual circle, or tribe. ([Location 4234](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4234)) ### SEX AND PLEASURE > Perhaps what we call foreplay is a way of seeing just how awake we can get—all excited attention from the tips of our toes out to the ends of our hair—the prickling of the scalp, the tingling in the arch of the foot. ([Location 4305](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4305)) > Sex that’s limited to perfunctory foreplay and then a race down the express track to orgasm is an insult to the human capacity for pleasure. ([Location 4313](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4313)) > Here’s a happy way to answer the question of what is sex: if you or your partner is wondering whether you’re having sex at any given moment, you probably are. We like to use an expanded definition of sex, including more than genitals, more than intercourse, more than penetration, and, while we definitely wouldn’t leave them out, much more than the stimulations that lead to orgasm. We like to think that all sensual stimulation is sexual, from a shared emotion to a shared orgasm. ([Location 4315](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4315)) > Those whose upbringing has consigned them to passivity can fall into the Sleeping Beauty trap—someday my prince will come, and so will I. In the real world, however, someone who is allowed to take their turn at being the active partner is well on the way toward figuring out for themselves and their lovers what works for them to get really, really hot. ([Location 4436](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4436)) > Sexologists who study arousal tell us that turn-on depends on two things: safety and risk. You need to feel safe from harm and secure that your conditions will be met and your wants and needs honored. You also need to feel a little like being at the top of a ski jump, on the threshold of something miraculous and powerful. ([Location 4500](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4500)) > sexually successful people masturbate. You are not jerking or buzzing off because you are a loser, because you can’t find anyone to play with, or because you are desperate to get your rocks off. You’re making love to yourself because you deserve pleasure, and playing with yourself makes you feel good. ([Location 4548](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4548)) #### Toys for Everybody > Don’t forget: grown-ups play with toys. ([Location 4583](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4583)) #### Communicate > Having a limit does not mean that you are inhibited, uptight, no fun, or a permanent victim of American puritanism— it just means you don’t like something. ([Location 4647](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4647)) > Getting turned on requires a physical and mental transition into a different state of consciousness. ([Location 4683](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4683)) > Similarly, we all need to know how we get turned on, what works for us when arousal doesn’t just come of its own accord. ([Location 4686](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4686)) > Some people just charge on in, start sexual stimulation, and keep on until their turn-on catches up with them, and this works for many people much of the time: Dossie once had a partner who liked to leap into cold mountain lakes when they were camping, insisting that you’d get warm eventually if you just thrashed around. ([Location 4696](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=4696)) ### PUBLIC SEX, GROUP SEX, AND ORGIES > We live in a society where people learn some pretty warped ideas about sex. Girls learn that they are not supposed to be sexual without falling in love; boys learn that sex is a commodity that you get from another person. Group sex only works when everybody is acknowledged as a person: nobody likes being treated like a means to an end. ([Location 5019](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=5019)) > The world is very fond of binaries: black and white, male and female, mind and body, good and bad. These pairs, we all learn, are opposed: there’s the right way and the wrong way, and our task is to do battle to defend the right and destroy the wrong. ([Location 5187](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=5187)) > Instead of fretting about what’s right or what’s wrong, try valuing whatever is in front of you without viewing anything as in opposition to any other thing. We think that if you can do this, you will discover that there are as many ways to be sexual as there are to be human, and all of them are valid, an abundance of ways to relate, to love, to express gender, to share sex, to form families, to be in the world, to be human…and none of them in any way reduces or invalidates any of the others. ([Location 5195](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=5195)) > When we open our minds to a world beyond opposites, we become able to see beyond unrealistic perfection and unachievable goals. We can free ourselves to be fully conscious of all the wonderful variety and diversity that there is right now in the world, right here, in the present, available to us. ([Location 5199](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=5199))  ## New highlights added April 13, 2024 at 10:45 PM > A subset of this myth is the belief that if you’re really in love, you will automatically lose all interest in others; thus, if you’re having sexual or romantic feelings toward anyone but your primary partner, you’re not really in love. This belief has cost many people a great deal of happiness through the centuries, yet is untrue to the point of absurdity: a ring around the finger does not cause a nerve block to the genitals. ([Location 401](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=401)) > Most of our criteria for ethics are quite pragmatic: Is anyone being harmed? Is there any way to avoid causing that harm? Is anyone feeling hurt? How can we support them? Are there any risks? Is everybody involved aware of those risks and doing what can be done to minimize them? On the positive side: How much fun is this? What is everybody learning from it? Is it helping someone grow? Is it helping make the world a better place? ([Location 518](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=518)) > People have sex because it feels very good, and then they feel good about themselves. Pleasure is a complete and worthwhile goal in and of itself: the worthiness of pleasure is one of the core values of ethical sluthood. ([Location 578](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=578)) > Women have strong concerns about safety and so tend to move slowly and announce their intentions. They may be shy in the seductive stages and bolder once welcome has been secured. Women often want explicit permission for each specific act, so their communication could serve as an excellent role model for negotiated consent. ([Location 740](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01N0SA1YW&location=740))