# The Heart of Dominance
Author:: Anton Fulmen
## Highlights
> This means that all great consensual dominance is mutual. We aren't bullying our partners into passive obedience, even if that's what it looks like on the surface; we are co-opting them, seducing them to become complicit in their own subjugation. Which works because they really, truly love being subjugated. ([Location 277](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=277))
> We come off as more dominant when our actions are aligned with what we authentically desire in that moment. ([Location 467](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=467))
> Consent is the main distinction between consensual dominance and abuse, it is the cornerstone of the ethical foundation of what we do, and it has three basic components. First, everyone involved has to understand what they are getting into. ([Location 508](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=508))
> Second, everyone has to have the ability to refuse without consequences. ([Location 511](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=511))
> And third, everyone has to actively agree to take part. ([Location 512](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=512))
> For consensual dominance, both partners reaffirm their consent in every moment of their interaction and consent may be withdrawn at any time. ([Location 515](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=515))
> dominance is the inspiration and seduction of consent. Dominating someone means leading them to feel safe enough, connected enough, respectful enough or even worshipful enough to say "yes" to your control. And every new order obeyed, every service rendered, every humiliation eagerly endured is consent all over again. The consent that we're looking for isn't a tepid "well I guess you can," but a breathless "yes, please." And that enthusiastic, abandoned consent is the source of much of the heat and power of dominance. Dominance is the exercise of interpersonal power. The most intimate and real power it is possible to have over another person comes from their not just agreeing, but wanting and needing to do for you what they would not do without your influence. ([Location 535](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=535))
> The third, better, option is to not ask for consent or demand consent, but to invite consent. "If you'd like to fetch me a cup of coffee, I'd appreciate it." "I'm curious about experimenting with being more dominant in bed. Think you might be into that?" "I've enjoyed the submission you've given me so far, and if you're ready to try going deeper, I have some new ideas I'd be excited to try with you." ([Location 576](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=576))
> A good invitation has three parts. First: a good invitation solicits their desire. ([Location 582](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=582))
> Second: a good invitation offers our desire. We're going to meet them halfway here. ([Location 590](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=590))
> Third: a good invitation can be declined without consequence. ([Location 596](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=596))
> The first time to check our partners' consent is before it occurs to them that we ought to. If they have to be the ones to first bring consent into our interactions, then right from the start they're having to enforce boundaries and defend themselves from us. ([Location 621](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=621))
> for many of us, explicit re-checking of consent is gradually replaced by rapport: a harmonious understanding of one another that lets us live partially within one another's personal space, rather than asking permission to enter each time. ([Location 652](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=652))
> play. Edge play means that we're dancing along a line between something that's hot and something that's shitty: in this case, between fulfilling our partners' paradoxical desire and violating their consent. Picking up hints and nudges and clues from our partner that they secretly want us to dress them down in public, or call them dirty names, or tie them down and ravish them simply cannot be as clear and secure as if we heard them enthusiastically ask us for it. Almost everyone has fantasies that they love to talk or think or masturbate about but don't want to actually act out. There's always some risk that we've misinterpreted and we're about to do something that our partner really did not want to have happen to them. ([Location 765](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=765))
> In kinky communities play that simulates violating the submissive partner's consent is commonly referred to as consensual nonconsent. ([Location 830](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=830))
> And if a partner ever tells you that they hold all the real power because they can stop submitting, you can refuse to dominate them until they offer a suitably groveling apology and acknowledge that they want to dance as much as you do. ([Location 869](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=869))
> But dominance thrives when we ask for what we really want, not for what it's safe to want. ([Location 1163](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=1163))
> D/s dynamics tend to demand far more personal and interpersonal competence than the average relationship. ([Location 1497](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=1497))
> We with exotic desires have to learn to have grownup conversations about those desires. ([Location 2077](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=2077))
> The ultimate basis of consensual dominance is desire, not ability. ([Location 2536](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=2536))
> Here's a secret about conquest, just between you and me: the real goal of conquest-flavored D/s is not to defeat your partner, but to inspire a feeling of surrender within them. ([Location 2845](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=2845))
> Trying to do therapy in the context of a sexy D/s relationship is a recipe for codependence, enablement, and ultimately heartbreak. ([Location 3463](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=3463))
> Random Reward. One of the interesting conclusions of behavioral psychology is that rewards are most effective at encouraging a behavior when they are intermittent. ([Location 3524](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=3524))
> Most of the objectification that goes on in this world isn't the consensual, mutually fulfilling, mutually desired kind that we aim to play with. ([Location 3578](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=3578))
> Some of those desiring of submission are perversely attracted to exactly the kinds of objectification that they suffer out in the world, and want a safe space and a safe person with whom to explore those depths. ([Location 3589](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=3589))
> the heart of dominance is consent. The skills and qualities that make us good at dominance are the skills and qualities that inspire someone to say "Fuck yes: I want to do what you tell me to!" ([Location 3750](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=3750))
> Finally, as serious business as dominance can be, as grim as it can sometimes appear, as much responsibility as we often carry—let's not forget that we're doing it for pleasure. Don't let the powerful emotions, the high expectations or the strictly enforced rules make you forget that dominance is play. Serious play. Real play. Powerful play. But play nonetheless. Staying playful at heart lets us try things with less fear of failure and helps us to stay true to our genuine desires, rather than being pressured into conforming to some external ideal. It gives us the terribly important ability of being able to laugh at ourselves. ([Location 3777](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=3777))
---
Title: The Heart of Dominance
Author: Anton Fulmen
Tags: readwise, books
date: 2024-01-30
---
# The Heart of Dominance
Author:: Anton Fulmen
## AI-Generated Summary
None
## Highlights
> This means that all great consensual dominance is mutual. We aren't bullying our partners into passive obedience, even if that's what it looks like on the surface; we are co-opting them, seducing them to become complicit in their own subjugation. Which works because they really, truly love being subjugated. ([Location 277](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=277))
> We come off as more dominant when our actions are aligned with what we authentically desire in that moment. ([Location 467](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=467))
> Consent is the main distinction between consensual dominance and abuse, it is the cornerstone of the ethical foundation of what we do, and it has three basic components. First, everyone involved has to understand what they are getting into. ([Location 508](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=508))
> Second, everyone has to have the ability to refuse without consequences. ([Location 511](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=511))
> And third, everyone has to actively agree to take part. ([Location 512](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=512))
> For consensual dominance, both partners reaffirm their consent in every moment of their interaction and consent may be withdrawn at any time. ([Location 515](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=515))
> dominance is the inspiration and seduction of consent. Dominating someone means leading them to feel safe enough, connected enough, respectful enough or even worshipful enough to say "yes" to your control. And every new order obeyed, every service rendered, every humiliation eagerly endured is consent all over again. The consent that we're looking for isn't a tepid "well I guess you can," but a breathless "yes, please." And that enthusiastic, abandoned consent is the source of much of the heat and power of dominance. Dominance is the exercise of interpersonal power. The most intimate and real power it is possible to have over another person comes from their not just agreeing, but wanting and needing to do for you what they would not do without your influence. ([Location 535](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=535))
> The third, better, option is to not ask for consent or demand consent, but to invite consent. "If you'd like to fetch me a cup of coffee, I'd appreciate it." "I'm curious about experimenting with being more dominant in bed. Think you might be into that?" "I've enjoyed the submission you've given me so far, and if you're ready to try going deeper, I have some new ideas I'd be excited to try with you." ([Location 576](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=576))
> A good invitation has three parts. First: a good invitation solicits their desire. ([Location 582](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=582))
> Second: a good invitation offers our desire. We're going to meet them halfway here. ([Location 590](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=590))
> Third: a good invitation can be declined without consequence. ([Location 596](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=596))
> The first time to check our partners' consent is before it occurs to them that we ought to. If they have to be the ones to first bring consent into our interactions, then right from the start they're having to enforce boundaries and defend themselves from us. ([Location 621](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=621))
> for many of us, explicit re-checking of consent is gradually replaced by rapport: a harmonious understanding of one another that lets us live partially within one another's personal space, rather than asking permission to enter each time. ([Location 652](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=652))
> play. Edge play means that we're dancing along a line between something that's hot and something that's shitty: in this case, between fulfilling our partners' paradoxical desire and violating their consent. Picking up hints and nudges and clues from our partner that they secretly want us to dress them down in public, or call them dirty names, or tie them down and ravish them simply cannot be as clear and secure as if we heard them enthusiastically ask us for it. Almost everyone has fantasies that they love to talk or think or masturbate about but don't want to actually act out. There's always some risk that we've misinterpreted and we're about to do something that our partner really did not want to have happen to them. ([Location 765](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=765))
> In kinky communities play that simulates violating the submissive partner's consent is commonly referred to as consensual nonconsent. ([Location 830](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=830))
> And if a partner ever tells you that they hold all the real power because they can stop submitting, you can refuse to dominate them until they offer a suitably groveling apology and acknowledge that they want to dance as much as you do. ([Location 869](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=869))
> But dominance thrives when we ask for what we really want, not for what it's safe to want. ([Location 1163](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=1163))
> D/s dynamics tend to demand far more personal and interpersonal competence than the average relationship. ([Location 1497](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=1497))
> We with exotic desires have to learn to have grownup conversations about those desires. ([Location 2077](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=2077))
> The ultimate basis of consensual dominance is desire, not ability. ([Location 2536](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=2536))
> Here's a secret about conquest, just between you and me: the real goal of conquest-flavored D/s is not to defeat your partner, but to inspire a feeling of surrender within them. ([Location 2845](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=2845))
> Trying to do therapy in the context of a sexy D/s relationship is a recipe for codependence, enablement, and ultimately heartbreak. ([Location 3463](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=3463))
> Random Reward. One of the interesting conclusions of behavioral psychology is that rewards are most effective at encouraging a behavior when they are intermittent. ([Location 3524](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=3524))
> Most of the objectification that goes on in this world isn't the consensual, mutually fulfilling, mutually desired kind that we aim to play with. ([Location 3578](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=3578))
> Some of those desiring of submission are perversely attracted to exactly the kinds of objectification that they suffer out in the world, and want a safe space and a safe person with whom to explore those depths. ([Location 3589](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=3589))
> the heart of dominance is consent. The skills and qualities that make us good at dominance are the skills and qualities that inspire someone to say "Fuck yes: I want to do what you tell me to!" ([Location 3750](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=3750))
> Finally, as serious business as dominance can be, as grim as it can sometimes appear, as much responsibility as we often carry—let's not forget that we're doing it for pleasure. Don't let the powerful emotions, the high expectations or the strictly enforced rules make you forget that dominance is play. Serious play. Real play. Powerful play. But play nonetheless. Staying playful at heart lets us try things with less fear of failure and helps us to stay true to our genuine desires, rather than being pressured into conforming to some external ideal. It gives us the terribly important ability of being able to laugh at ourselves. ([Location 3777](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01F8C7L2Y&location=3777))