# The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory  Author:: Dedeker Winston  ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights ### Course Syllabus: An Introduction to Alternative Love > Instead of telling you the “rules” about relationships, this book presents the notion of having agency and power when creating relationships. There is no one way it has to be. There is a choice. ([Location 121](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=121)) ### Section I Polyamory 101 #### Polyamory: What It Is and What It Isn’t > effective polyamorous and non-monogamous relationships are distinguished by total honesty with all of your partners about the other people that you’re dating, having sex with, or in a relationship with. ([Location 411](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=411)) > This concept was first seen in Plato’s Symposium. In Plato’s philosophical allegory, the character of Aristophanes delivers a speech describing the origins of romantic love. He claims that in the beginning of time, human beings had two sets of body parts—two heads, two mouths, four legs, double sets of genitalia, etc. When the gods grew uneasy about the growing power of these beings, they decided to split them each in half and scatter them to the winds. Aristophanes concludes that since that time, man is “always looking for his other half.”11 ([Location 455](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=455)) > Just like love for your family or love for your friends, romantic love is infinite. It can be abundantly given to as many people as you want without losing power or intensity. What is finite is time and money. ([Location 481](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=481)) #### From Tribal Living to Sacred Cuddling Parties: The Unwritten History of Polyamory > Marriage began not as a declaration of love nor a dedication of one’s loyalty, but as a business contract—exchanging food, shelter, and care for a woman’s ability to produce farmworkers and heirs. Owning multiple wives became a status symbol. ([Location 636](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=636)) > In the early 1800s, French philosopher Charles Fourier began writing and publishing his radical views in rebellion against the industrialization of society. Fourier called for the creation of a utopian society that would abandon the nuclear family structure and abolish anything that repressed human desires, including sexuality. His ideals held that the only forbidden sexual acts were those that involved pain or force, but everything outside of that was perfectly acceptable, including homosexuality, fetishism, and non-monogamy. ([Location 664](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=664)) > Paganism holds sexuality indivisible from divinity, and life energy and erotic energy as a palpable force often used in ritual. ([Location 830](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=830)) ### Section II Pre-Reqs #### Gnothi Seauton: How to Know Yourself Inside and Out > Having the ability to clearly see within and observe the changing landscape inside is paramount when embarking on the vulnerable journey of pursuing healthy relationships. This process is also known as deconstruction, ([Location 894](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=894)) > Like all of existence, love changes all the time, and that’s okay. On a practical, biological level, your brain just can’t keep up with the amount of love drugs it’s required to pump out in order to keep you in that lovesick high all the time. Outside of that, the falling-in-love fuzzies need to change in order for you to experience other kinds of love. ([Location 928](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=928)) > How do you know when you have fallen in love? How do you know when it’s time to say “I love you” to your partner? •   What is it that you like about falling in love? What are the physical sensations you experience when you’re in love? •   How do you know when someone loves you? What do you need to see/hear/feel in order to believe that someone loves you? ([Location 942](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=942)) > How do you feel about the idea of finding a soul mate? Which do you find to be more romantic: having one soul mate, or multiple soul mates? ([Location 949](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=949)) > When you open up your heart to multiple partners, it changes the game. It requires you to step off of the escalator and let each individual relationship find its own path organically. If you’re someone like me, who doesn’t have a strong desire to get legally married, it forces you to evaluate the shape you want your relationships to take and how you want to negotiate long-term partnerships outside of a marriage contract. ([Location 970](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=970)) > How do your relationships usually begin? Do you tend to go for a slow burn or do you engage very quickly and passionately? •   How do your relationships usually end? Is there any kind of recurring pattern (both positive and negative) in your history of relationships? •   What are the best personal qualities that you bring to a relationship? What have current or past partners appreciated about you? •   Which parts of the relationship escalator do you want in your life? Which parts could you do without? ([Location 985](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=985)) > Spewers have a strong need to talk out their emotions or to vent their feelings. Verbally “spewing” it all out releases the pressure of built-up emotions, which frees up their energy to focus clearly on whatever the next step should be. ([Location 1010](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1010)) > Chewers, on the other hand, keep their cards closer to the vest. When emotion arises, they are generally tight-lipped, preferring to mull over the circumstances and their own thoughts and feelings before expressing anything. ([Location 1012](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1012)) > What patterns for communication and conflict resolution did you see growing up? Have you seen those patterns mirrored in your romantic relationships? •   Are you a chewer or a spewer? Are there certain topics where you’re more comfortable being a chewer or a spewer? •   How do you handle honesty? Are you an open book, or do you prefer to keep things to yourself? Is it easy or difficult for you to lie to someone? •   How do you express love to your romantic partners? What kind of love language do you prefer to receive from your romantic partners? •   What is your communication style in arguments? What strategies do you employ to make yourself right and the other person wrong? •   When you’re getting emotional in an argument, how do you manage it? Is it easy for you to walk away to cool off, or do you need to hash it all out right in the moment? ([Location 1077](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1077)) > Is there a particular type of sex/frequency of sex you’ve always wanted but have never gotten in your past relationships? ([Location 1115](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1115)) > What is your deepest fear regarding love and sex? •   If you’re new to polyamory or non-monogamy, what scares you about it? •   What parts of yourself and your life (your body, your career, your bank account, etc.) are you most insecure about? •   What parts of yourself and your life are you most proud of? •   What does jealousy feel like to you? What are the physical sensations that you feel when you’re jealous? •   When you are jealous of a coworker, family member, or friend, how do you cope with it? •   When you are jealous within a romantic relationship, how do you cope with it? ([Location 1148](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1148)) > •   If you were to close your eyes and wave a magic wand, what would your romantic life look like? What would a perfect relationship (or multiple perfect relationships) look like? Be bold, be vulnerable, be silly, be honest! •   If you were to have exactly what you wanted for your love life and sex life, how would it make you feel? How would the people involved with you feel? •   What kind of person do you have to be in order to get the love life that you want? •   What kind of people do you want to be romantically and sexually involved with? •   When you’re considering beginning a relationship with someone, what is a deal breaker? •   How do you personally define commitment? How do you know if someone is in a committed relationship with you? •   If you’re interested in monogamy, why is that? What are your reasons for pursuing it? •   If you’re interested in polyamory or some other form of non-monogamy, why is that? What are your reasons for pursuing it? ([Location 1180](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1180)) #### Smart Girl Skills > You are committed to your partners and to yourself. ([Location 1243](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1243)) > Your sense of commitment to your partners involves a dedication to being the best possible version of yourself that you can be, and maintaining the responsibility of caring for your partners. When things get tough or feel uncomfortable, your first move isn’t to turn tail and head for the hills. Feeling committed and communicating it to your partners is absolutely necessary to engender trust and a sense of stability. It allows you and your partners to live in a realm where communicating with vulnerability is welcomed. ([Location 1246](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1246)) > You also need to stay committed to yourself. This means knowing how to set personal boundaries and learning how to best take care of yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically. ([Location 1251](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1251)) > You’re ready to talk. And talk more. And talk even more. ([Location 1264](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1264)) > Expressing your feelings honestly calls for emotional responsibility. That means owning your feelings or, as some have colorfully put it, “holding your own mud.” ([Location 1281](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1281)) > There are four primary steps to employing NVC: First, state an observation of what happened, free of interpretation, accusation, or spin. It’s important that the observation be made as objectively as possible, with “I-statements” rather than “you-statements.” ([Location 1322](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1322)) > Second, express your feelings without applying any story about something that was done to you by others. ([Location 1326](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1326)) > Third, express what you need. This is based on what you need to know or feel, rather than how you think your partner needs to behave. ([Location 1329](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1329)) > Lastly, make a request that is not a demand or an ultimatum. Your partner should feel free to either say yes, say no, or negotiate a compromise. ([Location 1332](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1332)) > You are the champion of scheduling and planning, but you also know when to be flexible. ([Location 1357](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1357)) > ¡Sí se puede! ([Location 1377](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1377)) > Self-efficacy is a mix of confidence, self-esteem, and the ability to bounce back from setbacks. ([Location 1385](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1385)) > Open relationships require you to extend yourself outside of your comfort zone and to do and feel things that may be completely new and totally foreign. The common thread in great poly relationships, whether the people in them have been doing it for decades or just for a few months, is that confidence in knowing that they have the capability to handle whatever arises. Even if it’s totally new. Even if it’s awkward and uncomfortable. Even if it’s terrifying. ([Location 1399](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1399)) > You can embrace the emotional equivalent of being buck naked at school in the middle of puberty. ([Location 1407](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1407)) > A radically honest relationship format will take every single insecurity you have and drag it out into the spotlight. That probably sounds pretty terrifying, and it is. ([Location 1409](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1409)) > When your inner voice of insecurity is going from zero to sixty, it changes everything if you make the choice to be vulnerable and share it with your partner. Don’t internalize it. Don’t pout. Don’t passively take it out on your partner or on your partner’s new paramour. Share it. ([Location 1416](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1416)) > When you share the icky, self-conscious bits of your being with someone you love, it gives both of you the opportunity to collaborate on ways to help both of you feel secure and supported, without needing to break any hearts. ([Location 1419](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1419)) > You are willing to continually build your empathy and compassion muscles. ([Location 1427](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1427)) > the polyamory advice website More Than Two. Veaux said, “Reach for the most compassionate version of yourself. You’re doing this because you love people.”5 There will be times when you don’t get exactly what you want. There will be times when you feel like someone else is getting something that you don’t have—sex, affection, quality time. There will be times when you feel like things are unfair—your partner has an awesome first date, and you get stood up. In these times, it’s so important to step away from the standard narrative of taking all you can and looking out for number one in order to draw on your reserves of compassion. ([Location 1437](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1437)) > You’ve got guts. ([Location 1467](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1467)) > You’re excited to date yourself. ([Location 1487](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1487)) > Instead of being a slave to the emotional trigger, you have an in to fixing it, adjusting it, or re-directing it. ([Location 1507](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1507)) > You have a little bit of Zen. ([Location 1529](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1529)) > Equanimity is the state in which you are able to enjoy the good parts of life without desperately clinging to them, and to weather the bad parts without kicking and screaming. It’s what enables you to bask in the delicious glow that is your partner’s love without feeling the need to keep her under your thumb to make sure she’ll never leave you. It’s what gets you through a night of loneliness after your date canceled on you and all of your partners are off with someone else. ([Location 1539](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1539)) > Conscious awareness encompasses the awareness you have of yourself as well as others around you. It drives the ability to objectively watch negative emotional reactions such as jealousy or anxiety without acting on them or taking them out on your partner. It lets you soak in the positive feelings that come after a night of wonderful sex for the first time with a new partner, or to more acutely enjoy the warmth you feel when coming home to your partner of ten years. Awareness keeps you in tune with your partners and your metamours, enabling you to be considerate of others’ feelings and savvy about small conflicts that need to be solved early in order to prevent bigger conflicts down the road. ([Location 1545](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1545)) > If you truly want extraordinary relationships—relationships that are completely of your own making, that defy the odds, and that wake you up, light you up, and turn you on—you have to start from the present, and only the present. Let go of tightly held baggage from past relationships that is preventing you from opening up your current relationships. Don’t let your partner’s past mistakes have a lasting hold on your heart, and make a commitment to not dredge up past faults to use as ammo in arguments. Let your future be open, blank, and ripe for every possibility, free from constraints of the past or anxiety over what happens next. ([Location 1558](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1558)) ### Section III Mastering Non-Monogamy The Biggest Question: Jealousy > It’s alarming how frequently jealousy is misconstrued as love. No one wants to have a hyper-jealous, possessive, and controlling partner, but there’s a general agreement that if your partner really cares about you and doesn’t want to lose you, there should be at least some displays of jealousy. ([Location 1619](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1619)) > This positive, romantic spin on jealousy feeds a culture of justification for bad behavior. ([Location 1628](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1628)) > The deep, uncomfortable truth that we all know but never want to acknowledge is that there is nothing you can do to prevent it. ([Location 1721](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1721)) > Asking your partner to protect your feelings by excluding all information forces him to lie to you, omit details, and cripple his ability to be totally open and honest with you. Asking for too much information violates the autonomy and independence of your partner and his other partners. ([Location 1753](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1753)) > Instead of seeking to control information, many people try to directly or indirectly control their partner. So many restrictive rules are laid down in relationships for this very reason. The idea of letting your partner pursue whoever they want is frightening, so rules are set in place that dictate not only who your partner can date, but also how they can interact with them. ([Location 1780](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1780)) > Letting go of control, accepting that you cannot own another person, and realizing that the future will always be uncertain is not the precursor to depression, but a step on the path to emotional liberation. When you are no longer plagued with worry over the future of your relationships, you are able to enjoy them as they are right in this very moment. Make plans, act with intention, and take care of other people’s hearts, but let your partners be free, let the future unfold on its own, and keep your love in the present. ([Location 1816](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1816)) Note: [[Nihilism]] > Let Yourself Feel It ([Location 1850](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1850)) > When jealous feelings arise, we either shy away and stuff them down in an attempt at ignoring them, or we stew in them, obsessively thinking about all the ways we’ve been wronged or how much we don’t measure up. The irony is that both of these behaviors add fuel to the fire, making those unpleasant sensations last even longer. When you let yourself actually feel your emotions without attempting to squelch or bolster them, you’ll be amazed how quickly they pass. ([Location 1866](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1866)) > Change Your Emotional Frequency ([Location 1872](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1872)) > Engage in an activity that you know puts you in a good mood. For me, it’s ecstatic dancing. ([Location 1877](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1877)) > For others this may be going for a run, playing a co-op video game with your best friend, watching your favorite stand-up comedian, reading an inspirational book, or indulging in some guilty-pleasure fast food. ([Location 1879](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1879)) > However, it’s important to make sure this doesn’t turn into a habit of mindlessly distracting or numbing yourself. After about thirty minutes to an hour of engaging in your mood-lifting activity, check in with yourself. Check what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking about, and if there are any new perspectives or insights surrounding the situation that triggered your jealousy. Chances are you’ll be able to think clearly, feel more positively, and communicate in a way that is effective and compassionate. Write It Out ([Location 1881](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1881)) > This “writing dump” might turn into an elaborate piece of prose, or a letter to someone, or a cathartic poem. It may end up being more raw as well (“FUCK FUCK FUCK” written across the page in red marker, as the authors of The Ethical Slut suggest).5 ([Location 1888](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1888)) > Structured writing is also useful to put together the puzzle pieces of what you’re feeling and how to cope with it. ([Location 1890](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1890)) > First, think about what you fear will happen. Then, write down all the reasons why that thing will not happen. As Vilhauer points out, most of the things we worry about don’t actually come to pass! ([Location 1892](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1892)) > The second part of the writing exercise is to write down why you would still be okay, even if your worst fears were to happen. ([Location 1903](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1903)) > Pay It Forward ([Location 1911](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1911)) > Talk About It ([Location 1928](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=1928)) #### The Second Biggest Question: Sex > People practicing hierarchical polyamory may deem the primary relationship as the only one special enough to merit unprotected sex, with all secondary partners kept quite literally behind a barrier that prevents them from getting “too” intimate. It’s time for a reality check. Condoms and dental dams are not magical intimacy-blocking force fields, nor are they beacons of shame and mistrust. They are nothing more than bits of latex. They are quite useful for preventing exposure to certain bacteria and viruses, as well as containing rogue genetic material hell-bent on making babies. Any other meaning attached to its presence or absence is personal interpretation. Your decision to use protection has nothing to do with your partner, or with your partner’s partners. It only has to do with you making the decision to take care of your own health. ([Location 2289](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2289)) #### Land of Love-Craft: Crafting Your Relationships from the Ground Up > Poly counselor and author Kathy Labriola distinguishes three distinct open relationship models:1 •   Primary/Secondary Model—An established hierarchy wherein one relationship holds primary importance, and all other relationships are considered emotionally and logistically secondary. •   Multiple Primary Model—All partners are considered primary, or have the potential to become primary. Each partner is considered when making decisions about living arrangements, sexual connection, and time commitment. •   Multiple Non-Primary Model—All relationships are kept casual or less committed. An individual who is mainly committed to raising children, maintaining their career, or engaged in creative projects may choose to make that part of her life primary, while all relationships come second. ([Location 2511](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2511)) > Hierarchal polyamory is clear in establishing certain relationships as being more important than others. For this reason, relationship hierarchy can be both a blessing and a curse. It is important to distinguish that hierarchy that arises in a manner that is prescribed, preset, or established is subtly different from a hierarchy that arises in a manner that is descriptive, organic, and flexible. An organic, or descriptive, hierarchy organizes relationships based on the nature and circumstances of each relationship. ([Location 2570](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2570)) > These kinds of restrictions have a common root—the prevention of intimacy. There is a tempting feeling of safety in thinking that you might have the power to prevent anyone else from getting as close to your partner as you are. ([Location 2661](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2661)) > Like the reeds, agreements can bend and shift with circumstances, with personal growth, and in response to mistakes. Rules, like the oak, get broken in the face of resistance. As you talk with your partners about the kind of agreements you want to uphold in your relationship, be mindful of the some of the most important qualities of a successful agreement: ([Location 2725](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2725)) > It considers all people involved. ([Location 2728](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2728)) > Negotiation is welcomed. ([Location 2740](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2740)) > Minimalism ([Location 2769](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2769)) > Take the time to write out a list of boundaries, a collection of guidelines, or a manifesto for yourself before creating something similar with one or multiple partners. ([Location 2772](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2772)) > Having your single motto can act as a solid baseline when circumstances throw you for a loop. A few of my favorites that I’ve seen: •   Honesty over harmony. •   No surprises. •   Be flexible. •   Treat others better than you want to be treated. •   Don’t be a dick. •   Trust over fear. ([Location 2783](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2783)) > The Good, the Bad, and the In-Between ([Location 2798](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2798)) > Abundance ([Location 2838](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2838)) > The harsh truth is that you are not enough. Your partner is not enough. Multiple partners are not enough. Your parents are not enough. Your friends are not enough. But if recognizing this is disturbing to you, it’s because of the way you are looking at the concept of “enough.” ([Location 2851](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2851)) > Human needs are infinite, and our capacity to be fulfilled is infinite. In the same way that you are incapable of getting enough breath at one time or enough food at one time to sustain you for the rest of your life, it is impossible to get enough of anything from any of your relationships that will keep you satisfied forever and in all circumstances. ([Location 2858](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2858)) > Agency ([Location 2899](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2899)) > The hallmark of agency is not only the capacity to act, but the ability to do so in any given environment. ([Location 2908](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2908)) > Compersion ([Location 2935](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=2935)) > Non-monogamy forces you to be brutally honest when you are facing the end of a relationship. One can no longer hide behind the usual maxims: I found someone else. I want to focus on my career. I think we should see other people. It’s not you; it’s me. It’s harder to give these excuses to someone who knows that you are still perfectly happy to carry on relationships with your other partners. Instead, you have to address the actual root of the disconnect: I’m no longer attracted to you. I want to focus on other relationships. I don’t think we are compatible. It’s not me; it’s you. Truthful? Yes. Easy? Heck no. ([Location 3011](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=3011)) ### Section IV Out of the Classroom, Into the World #### Say Good-bye to the Closet > Finding Your Tribe ([Location 3670](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=3670)) > the concept of family extends beyond genetic ties. Your tribe, your pod, your group, your support network, your polycule is your chosen family. These are the people who have entered your life that you have chosen to make part of your inner circle. You have actively chosen to bring these people near to you, to accept the ups and downs, experience the ecstatic joys and bothersome frustrations that are inherent to human connections. ([Location 3716](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B01LXZ6F7T&location=3716)) #### Polyamory: The Next Frontier #### Conclusion: Going Within and Going Beyond