# 271 - The Power of Receiving "No"
URL:: https://share.snipd.com/episode/d76a4165-9959-435f-9bf0-5cb02ebe5fa2
Author:: Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships
## AI-Generated Summary
None
## Highlights
> Taking No for an Answer
> Summary:
> Being able to handle rejection gracefully shows that you are approachable and not intimidating.
> Reacting negatively to refusal indicates that you may not be someone who is easy to say no to.
> Transcript:
> Speaker 3
> If you're in a sexual situation or any type of situation and you do take it really seriously or personally when somebody tells you know and then kind of throw his if it about it or you know, Get walk out of the room and a huff or something like that then you're not like these are powder or any stone wall yeah then that is you're not an easy person to say no to. ([Time 0:00:00](https://share.snipd.com/snip/a148b7b7-0498-4608-810d-0ecb7e903bcf))
## New highlights added April 4, 2024 at 3:48 PM
> If you can’t say no, you’re being controlled
> Summary:
> The ability to say no in relationships is crucial according to psychologist Judith Stills.
> She believes that the capacity to assert no signifies the health and equity of relationships. Feeling unable to say no indicates a lack of control and love in a relationship, implying being controlled.
> Transcript:
> Speaker 3
> So there's this woman Judith Stills, who's a PhD psychologist. And she had this quote on no, which is no test the health and equity of your closest relationships. If you feel you cannot say no, at least to some things, some of the time that you were not being loved, you were being controlled. ([Time 0:19:42](https://share.snipd.com/snip/79ee1da0-94bf-4806-9b62-29f1ac4901e0))
> The Importance of Being Unemotional When Saying No
> Summary:
> Being unemotional when saying no is crucial as it helps others to receive the message better.
> Transcript:
> Speaker 1
> In an article by Judith Stills who Emily quoted earlier, she talks about the importance of being as unemotional as you can in saying no, because that also helps people to receive it better. ([Time 0:23:38](https://share.snipd.com/snip/4307bd43-595f-4cf6-a021-6ff6f01d989c))
> Challenges in Saying No to Intense Older Women
> Summary:
> The speaker struggles with setting boundaries with intense older women, finding it difficult to say no to them despite their domineering and overbearing behavior.
> Transcript:
> Speaker 3
> Older women that are like my mother. I'm terrible at saying no to them. Like really like a domineering, overbearing, intense women. I'm terrible at saying no men. I'm like, whatever. No. ([Time 0:26:40](https://share.snipd.com/snip/6344be0b-f175-4240-a784-3cb73852bb27))
> Ask vs. guess culture
> Summary:
> The difference lies in ask culture where people are comfortable directly requesting something and are fine with a possible refusal, while guess culture involves more indirect communication and the belief that one can only ask if they expect to receive.
> Transcript:
> Speaker 2
> Ass culture people feel comfortable with like directly asking for a favor or directly asking for something and understanding I may receive a no and that's okay. Versus guess culture people. The point is more indirect communication and more like I can only ask if I'm expecting to receive it. ([Time 0:32:58](https://share.snipd.com/snip/a4ef627c-0323-440e-bbac-ea0f4531cc36))
> Different Cultures Impact on Perceptions of Rejection
> Summary:
> The upbringing in different cultures can shape one's perception of rejection, where being told 'no' can be considered a failure.
> Understanding the differences between Ask Culture and Guess Culture can shed light on how individuals interpret rejection based on their background.
> Transcript:
> Speaker 2
> Just go Google Ask Culture versus guess culture. You'll find a lot of resources on it. But it makes me think about that of that you can be raised in a micro culture where someone's saying no to you, your parents saying no to you or a teacher saying no to you. Like, that's automatically a failure, you know, and it's really easy to take that personally. ([Time 0:34:07](https://share.snipd.com/snip/1aaa620e-b629-4732-865a-2499db5240da))
> Asking for What We Want
> Summary:
> Many individuals go through life without asking for what they want.
> This results in missed opportunities as others who are willing to help are unaware of our desires since we have not communicated them.
> Transcript:
> Speaker 1
> A lot of us can just go through life like never really asking for what we want and other people who might want to give us something don't know how because we've never told them what we want. ([Time 0:41:44](https://share.snipd.com/snip/08c0550b-107d-422d-90a4-d9df399871f7))
## New highlights added April 4, 2024 at 4:48 PM
> Being an easy person to say no to
> Summary:
> It can be hard not to take a no personally, feeling like a failure when being rejected.
> However, in relationships, especially in intimate situations, reacting negatively to a no makes one hard to say no to. Striving to be someone who can accept rejection respectfully is crucial, alongside being able to enthusiastically consent.
> Transcript:
> Speaker 3
> Internally it can be hard not to take a no personally. Mm hmm. Yeah, like you said, it's like a failing thing like, oh, well, I guess I failed at X because they're saying no. Yeah. Yeah. But as we said before, like specifically in the situation of being in a relationship with someone and if you're in a sexual situation or any type of situation. And you do take it really seriously or personally when somebody tells you no and then kind of throw a hissy fit about it or, you know, get walk out of the room and a huff or something like That. Or pal, like these are like powder or anything. Yeah. Stone wall. Yeah. Then that is you're not an easy person to say no to. Mm hmm. So yeah, that's that's not a thing to be striving for in any way. Instead, like consent and the stuff that you talked about before, J is being able to say like hell yes to someone and then also being able to respectfully take a no is a really, really awesome Important thing to be able to do. ([Time 0:47:45](https://share.snipd.com/snip/d8895429-f6d4-4e1c-a99e-ccee56653963))
> Importance of Saying No and Receiving No
> Summary:
> Being able to say no and being comfortable with receiving a no are crucial skills.
> Saying no allows setting boundaries and prioritizing tasks, while being good at receiving no fosters resilience and growth. Mastering both sides of this dynamic contributes to effective communication and fosters healthy relationships.
> Transcript:
> Speaker 3
> So in conclusion, it's very important to be able to say no to receive no and then to be someone who is good at receiving no. ([Time 0:55:44](https://share.snipd.com/snip/c110aa70-eab9-4c01-a3c0-f6ed8d12fe1a))
## New highlights added April 5, 2024 at 5:58 PM
> Episode AI notes
> 1. Handling rejection gracefully shows that one is approachable and not intimidating.
> 2. In relationships, the ability to say no is crucial for asserting control and maintaining equity.
> 3. Being unemotional when saying no helps others receive the message better.
> 4. Differences between Ask Culture and Guess Culture can influence how individuals perceive rejection.
> 5. Communicating desires and asking for what one wants is important for not missing opportunities.
> 6. Striving to be someone who can accept rejection respectfully makes one easier to say no to.
> 7. Mastering the skills of saying no and receiving no contributes to effective communication and healthy relationships. ([Time 0:00:00](https://share.snipd.com/episode-takeaways/7bb1ab4e-ed55-4b6f-9123-ce0df31f9113))