# 303 - Is Your Partner Going to Change?  URL:: https://share.snipd.com/episode/fc56cb76-beda-4a9c-a9ed-fe30fec0fff6 Author:: Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > How Feeling Liked and Accepted Can Lead to Change > Summary: > Feeling liked and accepted is crucial for people to be able to change. > Criticism and dislike hinder change by making individuals feel under siege and defensive. Being okay with someone as they are currently can paradoxically be a more effective way to facilitate their change. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > John Gottman says people can change only if they feel they are basically liked and accepted the way they are. When people feel criticized, disliked and unappreciated, they're unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves. I think this is so interesting. That idea of if you really want your partner to change, being okay with them as they are now is going to be a more effective way for them to be able to change, which is a little bit of one of Those mind paradox things. ([Time 0:33:24](https://share.snipd.com/snip/cf579ba8-8b66-4d7c-ad11-8633f1aa77e7)) ## New highlights added April 6, 2024 at 10:57 AM > Embrace a Wide Range of Emotions > Summary: > Real change is indicated when one can freely express a variety of emotions, including anger, sadness, and frustration, even when these emotions are related to their partner's behavior. > In toxic relationships, individuals may feel restricted from showing negative emotions caused by their partner's actions. However, in healthy relationships, partners create space for each other to express these emotions without fear of judgment. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Another sign of real change to look out for is are you free to express a wide range of emotions? So not just your happy emotions, but also anger, sadness, frustration, even at times when that sadness and frustration is related to your partner's behavior. Because that's the thing that can happen in kind of more toxic or more dysfunctional situations as well where like I'm not allowed to be sad if it's related to something that you did in The past. I'm not allowed to be angry if it's related to an action that you took that actually hurt me, you know. But if your partner is able to make space for that, then that's different. ([Time 0:52:35](https://share.snipd.com/snip/6a97c047-d32b-4dd4-a33c-d804b26df81a)) ## New highlights added April 11, 2024 at 7:16 PM > Episode AI notes > 1. Feeling liked and accepted is crucial for people to be able to change. > 2. Criticism and dislike hinder change by making individuals feel defensive. > 3. Real change is indicated when one can freely express a variety of emotions, including anger, sadness, and frustration. ([Time 0:00:00](https://share.snipd.com/episode-takeaways/8813a65c-d563-4759-8159-8628980be37a))