# 334 - What Makes a Good Hinge Partner  URL:: https://share.snipd.com/episode/a0d99a8d-f4d2-4759-915b-30be0ae1518c Author:: Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships  ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > Balance Disclosure to Preserve Trust > Summary: > Navigating the intricacies of information sharing within polyamorous relationships requires a careful balance to maintain trust and privacy. > Oversharing or undersharing can jeopardize partner confidentiality, making it essential to consider how much personal information regarding one partner should be disclosed to another. This includes being mindful of not discussing conflicts or personal grievances from one relationship with another partner, as it can lead to complications. > Utilizing friends or non-romantic allies for support can offer an objective perspective while protecting partners' privacy. > Ultimately, the challenge lies in effective communication with each partner without compromising their trust or privacy. > Transcript: > Speaker 3 > Another really tricky thing to maneuver is oversharing or undersharing information with each of the people that are in the V. So things like not protecting a partner's privacy that sometimes can be really challenging. And you have those questions of like, how much should I expose or not about this other partner's situation? What's allowed? What's not allowed? Things also like processing fights or arguments that happen in one relationship with another partner. I think this is another reason to hold your friends and those relationships closely as well, because having like a non party that's not involved with you in a romantic way, I think can Be a more objective person to share your grievances with. And also withholding information that's relevant to a particular partner or compartmentalizing information, things like that. It's a very tricky kind of maneuver, you know, tightrope to walk, figuring out how much you should be disclosing or not disclosing and trying to be communicative with both partners As much as needed, but not necessarily oversharing that information. ([Time 0:19:38](https://share.snipd.com/snip/a4e30843-9fbb-45c5-a9b3-700a074a382f)) > Prioritize Connection: Balance Group Time with Quality Solo Moments > Summary: > Maintaining a balance between group interactions and individual time is crucial. > Prioritizing group hangouts can lead to neglecting the quality solo time that partners need. It's important to ensure that while engaging in collective activities, the personal needs of each partner are not sacrificed, preventing the double dip that disrupts both personal growth and relationship dynamics. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > The double dip for maximum efficiency, where basically a hinge can fall into this habit of trying to prioritize group hangouts as an, oh, all three of us will spend time together at the Expense of solo quality time for one of the partners or both of the partners. ([Time 0:25:17](https://share.snipd.com/snip/d7cf6f7f-ac83-4971-a574-a9d8c7fd78db)) > Triangulation Breeds Miscommunication > Summary: > Psychological triangulation occurs when a two-person emotional system, under stress, involuntarily evolves into a three-person dynamic. > This third party often serves as a substitute for direct communication, complicating interactions and fostering negativity. One common and harmful example is parents using their child as a mediator to communicate grievances, which undermines healthy communication and can create toxic family dynamics. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Yeah, we're going to talk about there's a couple different flavors of what I'm going to call psychological triangulation. So as a term, it first came to be associated with the work of psychiatrist Murray Bowen and Bowen developed in the 60s, basically family systems theory, which was a theory about behavior That looks at families as an emotional unit, uses systems thinking to describe the unit's interactions. And so Bowen theorized that if you have a two person emotional system that becomes unstable or comes under stress in some way, it will naturally form itself into a three person system Or a triangle. As in, like it will draw in a third point, a third person. And the way that this plays out in real life is that the third person is sometimes used as a substitute for direct communication. So as in, they have to communicate through this third person, the third person mediator. Maybe like a mediator, but I'm thinking in this context in a bad way, like a not good like a, you know, the go between, yes, a third party or the the middle man, something like that. Usually this kind of communication is negative or critical, expresses some kind of dissatisfaction. So of course, I think the really common examples we can think of is, you know, the really toxic situation of two parents who are using a child to communicate between each other. ([Time 0:32:43](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9001a922-d65c-4410-a59f-40d3423eb103)) > Balance in Relationships: Avoiding the Good vs. Bad Partner Trap > Summary: > In complex relationship dynamics, particularly in polyamorous settings, one partner often emerges as the 'good partner' with whom the hinge feels a stronger emotional connection. > This can create an implicit alliance that leaves the 'bad partner'—who may be more needy or facing challenges—feeling marginalized or ganged up on. Recognizing this pattern is crucial as it fosters an unhealthy imbalance in the relationship, where the hinge may inadvertently side with one partner over the other, leading to conflict and feelings of inadequacy. > Awareness of these dynamics is essential for maintaining fairness and emotional balance among all partners. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > The way that this often plays out is, you know, the hinge with one of their partners, who is maybe quote unquote the good partner that they feel close to the relationships going well. And then the other partner who maybe is more needy or going through a rough time, or there's more conflict on that side becoming kind of quote unquote the bad partner. And it can be very easy to feel like the hinge is essentially forming this alliance with the quote unquote good partner and gang up on the bad partner. ([Time 0:38:33](https://share.snipd.com/snip/42496f62-9cb5-4f81-b4ef-2afb3981ce3e)) > Triangulation: A Tool for Stability in Conflict > Summary: > Triangulation can serve as a stabilizing mechanism in conflicts, as illustrated by couples seeking therapy. > In such situations, the introduction of a third party, like a marriage therapist, can help stabilize the couple's dynamic. This effectiveness hinges on the therapist maintaining professional boundaries and avoiding enmeshment. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > This concept of triangulation, it can also be stabilizing in some instances, at least according to the theories that are out there. So a common example is a couple who's in conflict who go to a marriage therapist. And so they're bringing in this third point. But in that case, having the third point actually helps to stabilize the dyad. But of course, that requires the marriage therapist to also not get enmeshed. ([Time 0:40:41](https://share.snipd.com/snip/381b8c36-32c7-48c7-a4e3-c24d57abfeb9)) > Avoid the Drama Triangle: Break Free from Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer Roles > Summary: > The Drama Triangle theory illustrates the dynamics that occur in interpersonal relationships where individuals adopt one of three roles: victim, persecutor, or rescuer. > This model highlights how these roles can perpetuate unhealthy interactions, as individuals often switch perceptions of one another based on their assigned roles. To foster healthier relationships and communication, it is essential to recognize and break free from these roles that hinder constructive engagement. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > There's also a lot of overlap here with the Carpman drama triangle, which we did cover just a super brief overview that basically that's a theory that posits that in a triangular system, People will fall into these roles of victim, persecutor and rescuer, and will often perceive the other two in different roles and will kind of fall into playing out that role in a particular Way. That's not very helpful. ([Time 0:43:10](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9a856b5a-119e-48f8-91c6-dc85e2bc14e9)) > Seek Support Beyond Romance > Summary: > It's essential to cultivate external sources of support beyond romantic partners in any relationship dynamic. > Trusted friends, mentors, professionals such as coaches or therapists, and supportive family members can provide valuable guidance and understanding. This external support helps individuals navigate complexities without the risk of triangulation, ensuring they have reliable outlets to discuss challenges and feelings. > Engaging with these outside figures fosters a healthier balance and perspective, leveraging diverse insights for personal growth and emotional well-being. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > So the first of these and Emily talked about this a little bit earlier on in the episode, but it's having external sources of support that are not just the romantic partners involved In this V. This could be trusted friends, could be a mentor, could be a professional, like a coach or a therapist or a counselor, or this could be really supportive family member, someone outside Of these romantic or sexual relationships to be able to get some of that support and to kind of, I guess also maybe to have someone to go to who's outside of any potential triangulation ([Time 0:45:23](https://share.snipd.com/snip/8295a600-4514-44a8-aa4c-3958e5d9a88b)) > Master the Art of Scheduling for Harmonious Relationships > Summary: > Effective time management and scheduling are crucial for maintaining harmonious relationships, especially in polyamorous settings. > Utilizing organizational tools like shared calendars, such as Google Calendar, helps streamline communication and scheduling. Anticipating potential conflicts by being time-aware allows individuals to navigate overlapping schedules with ease. > Important dates, including birthdays and anniversaries, must be remembered for all partners involved. > Proactive communication about schedules and conflicts ensures that all parties are aligned and can address potential issues before they escalate. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Hinge partners also have a good sense of time management and scheduling. I know it's a trope and a meme at this point about polyamory, but it's true. So that can be things like having good organizational tools, like Google Calendar, whether that's a big shared calendar that everyone is okay sharing together or having separate Calendars for both of your partners that you share together. It involves things like having good time awareness. And what I mean by that is the ability to think ahead and anticipate potential scheduling conflicts that may be coming down the pipe. Remember, important dates for multiple people such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc. And it also means having good time communication. So as in being proactive in communicating with partners about the schedule, bringing up scheduling conflicts or scheduling puzzles early on, ([Time 0:48:01](https://share.snipd.com/snip/2e4bbca3-2dda-4531-9ad3-8fccce1b256c)) > Following through despite “emergencies” > Summary: > A significant aspect of effective time management and scheduling involves the reliability of a partner to maintain commitments. > Consistent follow-through on plans is essential, particularly in relationships where one partner frequently cancels for non-emergencies. This emphasizes the importance of accountability and respect for each other's time, ensuring that all partners feel valued and prioritized. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > And another common thread that showed up a lot connected to the time management and scheduling is, you know, a good hinge partner is someone who can follow through on plans and not cancel All the time for non-emergencies, especially if it's non-emergencies involving one particular partner more often than the others. ([Time 0:49:44](https://share.snipd.com/snip/21360a2c-3ef3-4e4e-bd6c-db2a1da0ea80)) > Avoid the Pitfall of Comparison to Strengthen Relationships > Summary: > Comparing partners negatively, whether internally or externally, is detrimental to relationships. > Healthy dynamics thrive when individuals focus on embracing their partner's unique qualities rather than making unfavorable comparisons. This practice fosters a stronger connection and mutual respect, ultimately enhancing the relationship. > Transcript: > Speaker 3 > Another thing that people who are good hinges do is that they don't compare their partners to each other in negative ways. Yikes, this is a big one. But that includes externally and internally. ([Time 0:51:55](https://share.snipd.com/snip/c22a6045-d3a5-4bf0-a922-5d0a2223066e)) > Awareness of structural imbalances > Summary: > Understanding structural imbalances in relationships involves recognizing elements like cohabitation or shared commitments that create disparities among partners. > Such imbalances should not be ignored, as they can significantly impact dynamics. Being sensitive to these differences allows individuals to actively work towards fostering equity. > This may involve providing additional support, acknowledgment, or visibility to partners who lack the same privileges often afforded to those with whom one shares a more entangled relationship. > This principle is crucial in hierarchical polyamory, where defined roles create inherent privileges, but remains relevant in non-hierarchical structures as well. > Regardless of relationship style, awareness and proactive counterbalancing of imbalances is essential, highlighting that relationships inherently carry unequal dimensions that deserve attention. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > Another trait of good skillful hinges is having a sensitivity to and an understanding about structural imbalances across relationships. And what we mean by structural imbalances here is something like if you live with one partner and not with another, or say you have kids or a business with one and not with another, that That's a structural imbalance, right? That's just that's there in the structure of it. You can't change that part of it necessarily, or at least not right away. But being aware of that and having an understanding that that does have an effect and you can't just say like, Oh, that doesn't affect anything, I'm going to ignore it. But being aware of it having a sensitivity to it. So that's things like a willingness to try to provide a little bit extra to counterbalance that for the partners who don't get to benefit from living with you or maybe being seen with You in public, you know, being a couple on social media or being the plus one to your, the wedding of your cousin or something like that, like all these little pieces of couples privilege That oftentimes still only extend to that one partner who structurally is more entwined with you. So just really being aware and conscious of trying to try to counterbalance that as much as possible. And now this is extra important if you are consciously choosing or practicing hierarchical polyamory, where you do have sort of a clear primary, whether you use the words primary secondary, Or you just refer to it as like a nesting partner and other partners, whatever it is, like you are consciously aware that there is a difference in the entanglement and the connection And potentially the privilege with this one person that other partners are not going to have being aware of it. But this is also important, even if you practice some sort of non hierarchical polyamory, maybe you don't live with any of your partners, but it's still good to be aware of because as Human beings, all our relationships with everyone else is not equal. Like they're never equal, they're never the same. So just being aware of having an awarenessness and a consciousness of the fact that there can be these imbalances and that that's something that you need to address and try to counterbalance When possible. ([Time 0:55:21](https://share.snipd.com/snip/c1db15f9-e943-48d7-810f-ddae568fc404)) > Own Your Choices, Acknowledge Your Boundaries > Summary: > Having awareness of personal ownership is essential in relationships. > This involves recognizing and taking responsibility for one’s own decisions and actions. It's important to differentiate the nature of conflicts that arise, identifying whether they are personal issues between oneself and a partner, between other partners, or shared issues that require collective discussion and resolution. > This clarity helps in navigating relationships more effectively, fostering healthier communication and understanding among all parties involved. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > A good skill to have is awareness of what belongs to you. And what I mean by that is being able to tell and take ownership of your own decisions and actions. You know, and take responsibility for those things. But also being aware of, okay, if an issue arises, is this an issue between me and one of my partners? Is an issue between me and a different partner? Is it an actually an issue between them as metamores? Or is it an issue that actually is relevant to all three of us that we need to be able to sit down all three of us and talk about and resolve? ([Time 0:58:54](https://share.snipd.com/snip/90dc2609-e7c3-448e-8ab7-59dacf7d34bc)) > Own Your Decisions > Summary: > Taking ownership of one's role in decision-making is crucial. > Acknowledging the impact of personal choices fosters accountability and clarity in responsibilities. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > Right. Like not taking ownership of the role that you had in a data that that was your decision. ([Time 1:02:00](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9be54d66-8da6-4064-b002-5caebc36ca24))  ## New highlights added September 23, 2024 at 9:41 AM > Episode AI notes > 1. Hinge partners must balance disclosure to preserve trust, carefully managing the information shared between partners to protect privacy and maintain confidentiality. > 2. Maintaining a balance between group interactions and individual time is crucial; prioritizing solo moments ensures personal needs are met while participating in group activities. > 3. Psychological triangulation can complicate relationship dynamics, highlighting the risk of using a third party for emotional mediation instead of engaging in direct communication. > 4. Partners in polyamorous relationships should be aware of the good vs. bad partner trap, where one partner feels marginalized, fostering unhealthy imbalances and conflict. > 5. Triangulation can serve as a stabilizing mechanism in conflicts, particularly when third parties like therapists help maintain healthy boundaries without enmeshment. > 6. Breaking free from the Drama Triangle roles of victim, persecutor, and rescuer promotes healthier interactions and constructive engagement among partners. > 7. Cultivating support beyond romantic relationships with friends, mentors, and professionals offers valuable insights and reduces risk of triangulation. > 8. Effective time management and scheduling are essential for harmonious relationships, with shared calendars facilitating better communication and planning. > 9. Consistency in follow-through on commitments strengthens relationship dynamics, emphasizing the importance of reliability and respect for each partner's time. > 10. Avoiding negative comparisons between partners fosters mutual respect and embraces individual uniqueness, enhancing overall relationship quality. > 11. Awareness of structural imbalances in relationships helps address disparities among partners and promotes equity, regardless of relationship dynamics. > 12. Taking ownership of choices and acknowledging personal boundaries is vital for effective navigation of conflicts and fostering healthier communication. ([Time 0:00:00](https://share.snipd.com/episode-takeaways/a6ea6fa9-be1d-43f6-a54f-d51014c70d12))