# 430 — Understanding Attachment Styles ![rw-book-cover](https://wsrv.nl/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmegaphone.imgix.net%2Fpodcasts%2F82105f72-cc09-11ec-ae50-57bb857f104c%2Fimage%2Fforeplay.png%3Fixlib%3Drails-4.3.1%26max-w%3D3000%26max-h%3D3000%26fit%3Dcrop%26auto%3Dformat%2Ccompress&w=100&h=100) URL:: https://share.snipd.com/episode/957b7317-0880-4dd5-9016-c649851933ae Author:: Foreplay Radio – Couples and Sex Therapy ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > Secure Attachment Style in Relationships > Summary: > The secure attachment style is characterized by feeling good about oneself and the partner, trusting each other's intentions, believing in one's own value and lovability as well as the partner's, which nurtures a positive outlook on the relationship. > Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to bring a sense of confidence and trust into romantic relationships, expecting things to go well, consequently fostering successful outcomes. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Well, let's first talk about the target, which is the secure attachment style. And that's when I feel good about myself and I feel good about you, you know, I overall in a relationship, I'm going to trust your intentions. I feel like I'm a good person and I'm lovable and I'm valuable. And I think you're going to be good and lovable and valuable. And so, you know, if you're securely attached from childhood, you come into a romantic relationship with kind of this worldview and this sense of yourself that says, this is all going To go well. And that confidence and that sense of trust actually makes things go well. ([Time 0:05:05](https://share.snipd.com/snip/78791c8b-468c-435e-9a34-4eb2628a67e4)) > Secured individuals can repair and improve relationships > Summary: > Secure individuals excel in communication and repair within relationships. > They can openly discuss issues, identify what works and what doesn't, and engage in lighthearted conversations about failures. The ability to repair after conflicts is crucial in maintaining a healthy and secure relationship. > Insecure individuals, on the other hand, often struggle with repairing conflicts, leading to increased threats and distance in the relationship. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > We repair. Secure secure people are great communicators. They can talk about what's working and what's not working. So when we talk about the bedroom, securely attached lovers can communicate what's working, what's not working. They can repair, right? We know 10% of sexual encounters negatively. Like what's your plan? Securely attached people can laugh about and say, yeah, it wasn't our night tonight, was it? You know, they can have fun with it. It's that ability to repair. That's the hallmark of security. If you can't repair, then every fight's a threat that might lead to the breakup in a fight or more distance. But if you're not scared and I could you know you could repair a fight's not that big of a deal, it's actually then becomes an opportunity to come closer. ([Time 0:11:11](https://share.snipd.com/snip/6ccbd20b-6698-45da-808d-cea8f7415564)) > Secure Sex and Hot Sex > Summary: > Securely attached lovers engage in hot sex as they openly share their erotic thoughts and fantasies, exploring each other's desires without judgment. > They accept and embrace their partner's wishes, bringing excitement and energy into the relationship, resulting in passionate and fulfilling sexual experiences. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Is secure sex hot? It's like, well, yeah, because securely attached lovers, they reveal their erotic mind to each other. They're fantasies. They're exploratory. They are accepting of their partners, wishes and wants, not necessarily saying, I want to do that with you, but they don't think their partner is a pervert or a freak when they hear them. You know, it's like, oh, that's your turn on, huh? You know, and it's kind of exciting. I mean, they bring each other's energy into it. So yes, secure lovers have hot sex. ([Time 0:12:53](https://share.snipd.com/snip/d3e2ab02-8529-4211-af4e-38392185df2b)) > The Struggles of Insecurely Attached Individuals in Relationships > Summary: > Insecurely attached individuals are preoccupied with their relationship, constantly worrying about their partner's interest and love. > They are highly sensitive to rejection, which leads them to overthink and avoid direct communication. Consequently, they struggle to express their needs clearly, causing confusion in their relationships. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > The insociously attached people, they are preoccupied with the relationship with worrying about is everything okay? Do I have my partner's interest? Do I have my partner's love? And they're very, very sensitive to rejection. I just think that sensitivity to rejection often makes them overthink and they're less likely to use direct communication because they're twisting themselves up into a pretzel to Make sure that they get the approval of their partner so they're often not clear about what they need, what they want. It's like it can be really confusing to be in a relationship with somebody who is insecurely attached on an anxious end of the continuum. ([Time 0:17:09](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9581bdc3-42b0-43f4-b5ef-ccbd014a7b2b)) > Anxious attachment in the bedroom > Summary: > Anxiously attached individuals in intimate relationships may lack confidence, feel indecisive, and be hesitant and cautious in the bedroom due to the fear of rejection. > They often tie their self-worth to their attractiveness, interpreting rejection as a message of inadequacy. This can lead to a frantic need for sexual validation, rather than a genuine desire for connection. > Their anxiety may manifest as anger towards their partner, as a defense mechanism to cope with feelings of powerlessness and inadequacy. > The mix of want for connection and push for validation through anger can create confusion and conflict in the relationship. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > But anxiously attached people in the bedroom are they're not as confident because of the rejection and not as decisive. They're not as sure themselves. They're not everything's hesitant and cautious. > Speaker 1 > They worry about their attractiveness a lot. Like a rejection sends this terrible message to them that they're not attractive enough. You know, I mean, their partner may just not want sex that night, but they take it inside them like they're not good enough. And so it creates this franticness about sex. Like it's no longer even about sex. It's about being valued sexually. Yeah. > Speaker 2 > And to make it more complicated though, that anxiety often kind of manifests itself into anger because they get made at the person who triggers them and their anxiety. So you often don't see the hurt to the anxiety. You see their anger at that partner causing it. Like you're never in a move mood. You want to watch shows instead of having sex. Like they're really good at being angry because anger is trying to give them a sense of power to this massive helplessness and anxiety that they carry inside of them. Yeah, exactly. > Speaker 1 > It can be confusing. They're sending a message of want and then they send this push with anger, push away. You know, like you're not doing it well enough. You're not good enough for me. When actually they're feeling inside, I'm not good enough for you. The whole thing gets convoluted. ([Time 0:19:55](https://share.snipd.com/snip/d44cc3f3-8d3c-429b-abf0-32e3f29a7e9c)) > Learning to Self-Soothe and Building Trust in Relationships > Summary: > Growing up feeling alone in distress can lead to learning self-soothing techniques and mistrust in relationships. > The lack of reliable support can result in difficulties in trusting others, leading to a fear of being hurt or disappointed in intimate relationships. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > If that child is calling and nobody's coming, you know, you're alone in that distress and you can only stay alone in pain and fear so long before you have to stop cutting it off and you have To learn to self-soothe yourself. And you learn to mistrust people because let's face it, they're not there for you. > Speaker 1 > Exactly. And then when you're in a romantic relationship, why would it make sense to trust your partner? If all your life, it says intimate family relationships are not really to be trusted. And yeah, I got married and I'm attracted to them and all that. But you know, it's like, I'm not going to let my guard down. Really not going to let you in. Yeah. Yeah. Because then you could hurt me. If I let you in, you could hurt me. You could disappoint me like I've been so disappointed in the past. ([Time 0:23:30](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f18e6d87-19a5-4e64-8b59-42abd734eb30)) > Using Sex for Emotional Security > Summary: > People who are emotionally avoidant may use sex as a way to feel secure and connected, especially if they lacked touch or experienced trauma. > For them, engaging in sex can provide a tangible sense of security and connection, making it a way to access a feeling of safety and trust in their body. This behavior often stems from a fear of vulnerability and a belief that it is not safe to give their body to someone else. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > If they're avoidant emotionally and they grew up that way, you know, sex gives them a second place to feel secure. And so sometimes they take advantage of that. I mean, in a positive way, they, you know, they go for the body security because then it's very tangible. Yeah. And they know they're, I mean, is there anything more connecting than sex or, you know, heterosexual intercourse that that's about as connected as you can get. So I just think that that's the place that they can feel it. And I think, you know, sometimes certainly we know, you know, sexually avoidant people. Sometimes they have not been touched. They have not been touched enough. So they cannot access the body as a safe place or let's say that they had trauma and they were touched in inappropriate ways or bad things. But I think that goes more into our fourth style. But I think that often the biggest thing that I see in people who are avoidant sexually is, you know, it is not safe to, to give you my body and to trust that you want to make it feel good and All of that. It just, it's not safe. ([Time 0:25:04](https://share.snipd.com/snip/62cf32a2-ab0c-4c10-b8bd-0ea9c946a892)) > Navigating Disorganized Attachment > Summary: > Disorganized attachment often stems from experiencing trauma with the people one needs. > It can manifest as mixed signals and a push-pull dynamic in relationships. This attachment style can cause confusion and feelings of not knowing if one is coming or going, as captured in the phrase 'I Hate You Don't Leave Me'. > Individuals with disorganized attachment may struggle with the conflicting emotions of needing someone while also being scared of getting hurt. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > That last style, I disorganized attachment. That's usually somebody that's experienced trauma with the people who they need them. And they're anxious for is also, you know, a threat and they're hurting them. Imagine somebody that's abusing you or molesting you as a child. It's like you need them and you're anxious, but you're also scared that you're going to get hurt. So you're kind of pushing away. So they send very mixed signals, right? And when you understand the touch, that's not crazy at all. > Speaker 1 > It's not. It can feel crazy to the person who is disorganized attachment and to their partners. It can feel like, I don't know if I'm coming or going. It's like, as soon as I get close to you, you push me away. And as soon as I go away, you try to pull me in, you know, that there's a book out there called I Hate You Don't Leave Me. And that kind of describes the dilemma of the disorganized attached person. And I hate that I need you, but I do need you. ([Time 0:26:29](https://share.snipd.com/snip/79360d6d-9aaa-46f5-a836-0210bdf64199)) ## New highlights added March 15, 2024 at 12:31 PM > Episode AI notes > 1. Secure attachment style is characterized by trust, confidence, and open communication in relationships, leading to successful outcomes > 2. Insecurely attached individuals may struggle with repairing conflicts, leading to increased threats and distance in relationships > 3. Anxious attachment individuals may lack confidence and feel hesitant in intimate relationships, seeking validation through anger > 4. Growing up feeling alone in distress can lead to difficulties in trusting others and fear of hurt in intimate relationships > 5. Emotionally avoidant individuals may use sex to feel secure and connected, stemming from a fear of vulnerability > 6. Disorganized attachment style can manifest as mixed signals and a push-pull dynamic in relationships, causing confusion and conflicting emotions ([Time 0:00:00](https://share.snipd.com/episode-takeaways/9b3de221-69bb-4b9d-b764-67eb26c7a711))