# 453 - Your Regrets Are Here to Help You  URL:: https://share.snipd.com/episode/a2db852e-2501-48c1-8ad7-07cb4f101054 Author:: Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships ## Highlights > Episode AI notes > 1. The need to belong is a key component of regret. Regret can be more intense when the decision has a larger social impact or when threats to belonging are present. Individual differences in the need to belong correlate with the intensity of regret. > 2. Feeling regret about choosing the wrong partner increases the likelihood of considering leaving the relationship, regardless of current satisfaction or available alternatives. > 3. The World Regret Survey identified four major categories of regrets: foundational regrets, opportunity regrets, moral regrets, and connective regrets. Each category includes specific examples and explanations. > 4. Opportunity regrets refer to the remorse or disappointment for not seizing chances that could have occurred, such as passing up opportunities to work or study abroad, declining exciting but scary job offers, or choosing one location over another. > 5. Moral regrets stem from not doing the right thing, such as lying to a partner, delaying the truth, or cheating. It also includes not standing up for someone. > 6. Connective regrets are associated with not maintaining or repairing relationships, such as failing to reach out to friends, not reconciling after a falling out, or not connecting with someone before they move away or pass away. > 7. The first step to dealing with regrets is undoing past actions by offering apologies or reconnecting with those who have been wronged. > 8. The second step is to find a new purpose, meaning, or silver lining within a regrettable decision or event. This helps shift perspective and find some form of redemption. > 9. The final step is to analyze the lessons from regret and develop strategies to prevent future regrets. > 10. Lessons can be learned from regrets, and analyzing and strategizing can help prevent future regrets in different areas of life. ([Time 0:00:00](https://share.snipd.com/episode-takeaways/8a154631-96d5-4617-a59b-afa4c78938e8)) > Needing to belong is a core component of regret > Summary: > The larger the social impact of a decision, the more intense the feeling of regret. The need to belong is a core component of regret, and the threat to belonging predicts the intensity of regret for both love and work-related decisions. Individual differences in the need to belong also correlate with the intensity of regret, with some people feeling a more acute need to belong than others, leading them to feel more intense regret in situations with social impact or when they feel like they don't belong. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > If there's a larger social impact involved in that decision that you regret, that corresponds with a lot more intensity of that feeling of regret as well. The need to belong is a really core component of regret and that threat to belonging predicted regret intensity with love and with work regrets. So feeling like that's cost you some sort of belonging is going to make that much more significant. And individual differences in that need to belong also had a correlation with how intensely they felt that regret. So for example, some people might feel a more acute need to belong than others, which makes them more likely to feel intense regret in a situation that had some kind of social impact or Made them feel like they didn't belong or broke some sort of social cohesion there. ([Time 0:19:09](https://share.snipd.com/snip/05711ed3-633e-46e7-81d8-a43f84955ac8)) > Impact of Regret on Relationship Satisfaction and Loyalty > Summary: > The study revealed that feeling regret about choosing the wrong partner increases the likelihood of considering leaving the relationship. This regret significantly influences individuals, irrespective of their current satisfaction level or the availability of alternative partners. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > In summary, the study found that thinking you chose the wrong person makes you more likely to say that you would leave your relationship. And that this regret matters a lot, even if someone's pretty happy or doesn't have a new person lined up, and that the more people regretted their choice of partner, the more they wanted To hypothetically switch, regardless of their actual satisfaction level or available alternatives. ([Time 0:29:29](https://share.snipd.com/snip/dc7cae6a-13c3-48ff-8d0f-23b4b6ee9fc2)) > Four Categories of Regrets Identified in World Regret Survey > Summary: > The World Regret Survey identified four major categories of regrets: foundational regrets, opportunity regrets, moral regrets, and connective regrets. Foundational regrets include not pursuing education or skills, neglecting health, and not expressing oneself authentically. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Yeah, that you're not alone. So if you're not already in too much of a bummer mood, I highly recommend going to world regret survey.com and you can fill it out if you want or you can just kind of click around and see what Other people are sharing. But anyway, Pink analyzed all of this data that he got and he found that there were four recurring themes. He organized all of these different regrets for people around the world into four major categories. And so just a really quick rundown of those four categories and then we're going to give examples and explain them. He found that there were foundational regrets, opportunity regrets, moral regrets, and connective regrets. > Speaker 2 > So starting off with foundational regrets. These are things like, if only I did the work, like not getting a particular education or not starting to learn a particular skill earlier, or not taking better care of my health, or not Expressing myself better, or expressing my identity more authentically. ([Time 0:44:12](https://share.snipd.com/snip/a25eb25d-bbdd-4002-b00e-c89c393cf9cc)) > Opportunity regrets > Summary: > Opportunity regrets refer to the feelings of remorse or disappointment for not seizing chances such as passing up opportunities to work or study abroad, declining exciting but scary job offers, or choosing one location over another. These are the missed opportunities that could have occurred but were not pursued at the time. > Transcript: > Speaker 3 > The next one is opportunity regrets. Things like, if only I took the chance and kind of what I was talking about right off the top of the episode, passing up a chance to work or study abroad or saying no to an exciting but scary Job opportunity like Dedicra talked about, or just moving to one part of the country rather than the other. Things like that, opportunities that could have happened that you didn't take in the moment. ([Time 0:45:56](https://share.snipd.com/snip/8792bdd0-bec0-4fce-ab11-b2e38431ca52)) > Moral Regrets > Summary: > Moral regrets often stem from not doing the right thing, such as lying to a partner, delaying the truth, or cheating in relationships or on tests. It also encompasses the regret of not standing up for someone. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > Next one is moral regrets, which is if only I'd done the right thing. So this is something like lying to a partner or not telling them the truth soon enough, cheating in the past. I'm assuming this means relationship cheating, but I also imagine cheating on a test or something like that. And then not standing up for someone. ([Time 0:46:44](https://share.snipd.com/snip/26ec576d-c49a-48a4-928a-ac086593cd1d)) > Connective regrets > Summary: > Connective regrets refer to the feelings of remorse associated with not maintaining or repairing relationships, such as failing to reach out to friends, not reconciling after a falling out, or not connecting with someone before they moved away or passed away. > Transcript: > Speaker 3 > The last one is connective regrets. So things like if I only reached out losing touch with friends or never reconciling with someone after falling out or not connecting with someone before they moved away or passed away, ([Time 0:47:13](https://share.snipd.com/snip/71604daf-4098-4de2-a49d-f72b9374f37f)) > Step 1. Undo it > Summary: > Undoing a regrettable action involves reaching out and offering an apology to the person wronged or reconnecting with someone who has been out of contact. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > Step one is undo it. This applies in situations where you've done something that you later regretted. So you can quote undo it by reaching out offering an apology to the person that you've wronged or reaching out to that person that you fell out of contact with, like we were just talking > Speaker 3 > About. ([Time 0:50:58](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f6cb8dd0-0ede-43ce-a061-fe5b8a996f77)) > Step 2. “At least” it > Summary: > Step two involves finding a new purpose, meaning, or silver lining within a decision or an event that is regrettable. This includes acknowledging the negative outcome, but focusing on at least one positive aspect in order to shift perspective and find some form of redemption. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Step two is to quote at least it. Now, this comes from this idea of you're like, okay, yeah, this bad thing happened, but at least yada yada yada. So it's finding a new purpose, finding meaning or finding some kind of silver lining within a decision or an event that you regret. ([Time 0:51:59](https://share.snipd.com/snip/11deb547-2f93-4688-b8bc-141146ac0772)) > Step 3. Analyse and strategise > Summary: > Reflect on the lessons from regret and identify strategies to prevent future regrets by considering what can be done differently. > Transcript: > Speaker 3 > Finally, analyze and strategize. Ask yourself what lessons can I learn from my regret and what can I do differently now that will prevent me from having more regrets in the future? ([Time 0:53:07](https://share.snipd.com/snip/0268ce82-746c-4715-abc8-9a843cab78c3)) --- Title: 453 - Your Regrets Are Here to Help You Author: Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships Tags: readwise, podcasts date: 2024-01-30 --- # 453 - Your Regrets Are Here to Help You  URL:: https://share.snipd.com/episode/a2db852e-2501-48c1-8ad7-07cb4f101054 Author:: Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > Episode AI notes > 1. The need to belong is a key component of regret. Regret can be more intense when the decision has a larger social impact or when threats to belonging are present. Individual differences in the need to belong correlate with the intensity of regret. > 2. Feeling regret about choosing the wrong partner increases the likelihood of considering leaving the relationship, regardless of current satisfaction or available alternatives. > 3. The World Regret Survey identified four major categories of regrets: foundational regrets, opportunity regrets, moral regrets, and connective regrets. Each category includes specific examples and explanations. > 4. Opportunity regrets refer to the remorse or disappointment for not seizing chances that could have occurred, such as passing up opportunities to work or study abroad, declining exciting but scary job offers, or choosing one location over another. > 5. Moral regrets stem from not doing the right thing, such as lying to a partner, delaying the truth, or cheating. It also includes not standing up for someone. > 6. Connective regrets are associated with not maintaining or repairing relationships, such as failing to reach out to friends, not reconciling after a falling out, or not connecting with someone before they move away or pass away. > 7. The first step to dealing with regrets is undoing past actions by offering apologies or reconnecting with those who have been wronged. > 8. The second step is to find a new purpose, meaning, or silver lining within a regrettable decision or event. This helps shift perspective and find some form of redemption. > 9. The final step is to analyze the lessons from regret and develop strategies to prevent future regrets. > 10. Lessons can be learned from regrets, and analyzing and strategizing can help prevent future regrets in different areas of life. ([Time 0:00:00](https://share.snipd.com/episode-takeaways/8a154631-96d5-4617-a59b-afa4c78938e8)) > Needing to belong is a core component of regret > Summary: > The larger the social impact of a decision, the more intense the feeling of regret. The need to belong is a core component of regret, and the threat to belonging predicts the intensity of regret for both love and work-related decisions. Individual differences in the need to belong also correlate with the intensity of regret, with some people feeling a more acute need to belong than others, leading them to feel more intense regret in situations with social impact or when they feel like they don't belong. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > If there's a larger social impact involved in that decision that you regret, that corresponds with a lot more intensity of that feeling of regret as well. The need to belong is a really core component of regret and that threat to belonging predicted regret intensity with love and with work regrets. So feeling like that's cost you some sort of belonging is going to make that much more significant. And individual differences in that need to belong also had a correlation with how intensely they felt that regret. So for example, some people might feel a more acute need to belong than others, which makes them more likely to feel intense regret in a situation that had some kind of social impact or Made them feel like they didn't belong or broke some sort of social cohesion there. ([Time 0:19:09](https://share.snipd.com/snip/05711ed3-633e-46e7-81d8-a43f84955ac8)) > Impact of Regret on Relationship Satisfaction and Loyalty > Summary: > The study revealed that feeling regret about choosing the wrong partner increases the likelihood of considering leaving the relationship. This regret significantly influences individuals, irrespective of their current satisfaction level or the availability of alternative partners. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > In summary, the study found that thinking you chose the wrong person makes you more likely to say that you would leave your relationship. And that this regret matters a lot, even if someone's pretty happy or doesn't have a new person lined up, and that the more people regretted their choice of partner, the more they wanted To hypothetically switch, regardless of their actual satisfaction level or available alternatives. ([Time 0:29:29](https://share.snipd.com/snip/dc7cae6a-13c3-48ff-8d0f-23b4b6ee9fc2)) > Four Categories of Regrets Identified in World Regret Survey > Summary: > The World Regret Survey identified four major categories of regrets: foundational regrets, opportunity regrets, moral regrets, and connective regrets. Foundational regrets include not pursuing education or skills, neglecting health, and not expressing oneself authentically. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Yeah, that you're not alone. So if you're not already in too much of a bummer mood, I highly recommend going to world regret survey.com and you can fill it out if you want or you can just kind of click around and see what Other people are sharing. But anyway, Pink analyzed all of this data that he got and he found that there were four recurring themes. He organized all of these different regrets for people around the world into four major categories. And so just a really quick rundown of those four categories and then we're going to give examples and explain them. He found that there were foundational regrets, opportunity regrets, moral regrets, and connective regrets. > Speaker 2 > So starting off with foundational regrets. These are things like, if only I did the work, like not getting a particular education or not starting to learn a particular skill earlier, or not taking better care of my health, or not Expressing myself better, or expressing my identity more authentically. ([Time 0:44:12](https://share.snipd.com/snip/a25eb25d-bbdd-4002-b00e-c89c393cf9cc)) > Opportunity regrets > Summary: > Opportunity regrets refer to the feelings of remorse or disappointment for not seizing chances such as passing up opportunities to work or study abroad, declining exciting but scary job offers, or choosing one location over another. These are the missed opportunities that could have occurred but were not pursued at the time. > Transcript: > Speaker 3 > The next one is opportunity regrets. Things like, if only I took the chance and kind of what I was talking about right off the top of the episode, passing up a chance to work or study abroad or saying no to an exciting but scary Job opportunity like Dedicra talked about, or just moving to one part of the country rather than the other. Things like that, opportunities that could have happened that you didn't take in the moment. ([Time 0:45:56](https://share.snipd.com/snip/8792bdd0-bec0-4fce-ab11-b2e38431ca52)) > Moral Regrets > Summary: > Moral regrets often stem from not doing the right thing, such as lying to a partner, delaying the truth, or cheating in relationships or on tests. It also encompasses the regret of not standing up for someone. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > Next one is moral regrets, which is if only I'd done the right thing. So this is something like lying to a partner or not telling them the truth soon enough, cheating in the past. I'm assuming this means relationship cheating, but I also imagine cheating on a test or something like that. And then not standing up for someone. ([Time 0:46:44](https://share.snipd.com/snip/26ec576d-c49a-48a4-928a-ac086593cd1d)) > Connective regrets > Summary: > Connective regrets refer to the feelings of remorse associated with not maintaining or repairing relationships, such as failing to reach out to friends, not reconciling after a falling out, or not connecting with someone before they moved away or passed away. > Transcript: > Speaker 3 > The last one is connective regrets. So things like if I only reached out losing touch with friends or never reconciling with someone after falling out or not connecting with someone before they moved away or passed away, ([Time 0:47:13](https://share.snipd.com/snip/71604daf-4098-4de2-a49d-f72b9374f37f)) > Step 1. Undo it > Summary: > Undoing a regrettable action involves reaching out and offering an apology to the person wronged or reconnecting with someone who has been out of contact. > Transcript: > Speaker 2 > Step one is undo it. This applies in situations where you've done something that you later regretted. So you can quote undo it by reaching out offering an apology to the person that you've wronged or reaching out to that person that you fell out of contact with, like we were just talking > Speaker 3 > About. ([Time 0:50:58](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f6cb8dd0-0ede-43ce-a061-fe5b8a996f77)) > Step 2. “At least” it > Summary: > Step two involves finding a new purpose, meaning, or silver lining within a decision or an event that is regrettable. This includes acknowledging the negative outcome, but focusing on at least one positive aspect in order to shift perspective and find some form of redemption. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Step two is to quote at least it. Now, this comes from this idea of you're like, okay, yeah, this bad thing happened, but at least yada yada yada. So it's finding a new purpose, finding meaning or finding some kind of silver lining within a decision or an event that you regret. ([Time 0:51:59](https://share.snipd.com/snip/11deb547-2f93-4688-b8bc-141146ac0772)) > Step 3. Analyse and strategise > Summary: > Reflect on the lessons from regret and identify strategies to prevent future regrets by considering what can be done differently. > Transcript: > Speaker 3 > Finally, analyze and strategize. Ask yourself what lessons can I learn from my regret and what can I do differently now that will prevent me from having more regrets in the future? ([Time 0:53:07](https://share.snipd.com/snip/0268ce82-746c-4715-abc8-9a843cab78c3))