# 499 - Post-Nonmonogamy: Navigating Life After Polyamory With Andrea Zanin  URL:: https://share.snipd.com/episode/5894dc84-e1dd-4bd3-b62e-04d255cf4dc4 Author:: Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships  ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > **Book's Focus** > - The book addresses challenges like lack of sex drive. It explores issues relevant to people navigating the complexities of post-nonmonogamy. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > So the three that I set out, the first one in the book is lack of sex drive or low sex drive. ([Time 0:20:18](https://share.snipd.com/snip/89f82789-849c-47f5-9e5f-8662c3366742)) > **Stress and Trauma** > - Stress and trauma, from daily life to major accidents, can shift priorities away from multiple relationships. Prioritizing healing and self-care can lead to intentionally having a smaller, less relationship-focused life. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > So that I think is one pathway. And it's sort of in a way encompassed within the larger second pathway, which to me is all about stress and trauma. And that sort of covers a lot of ground, right? Everything from like just everyday life stress of surviving in late capitalism all the way up to like major Trump accidents, illnesses, assaults, whatever terrible thing might happen To a person that really just shifts their priorities, and possibly for a long time, you know, to sort of deal with whatever that is, do whatever healing they need to do. And sometimes when you need to center that in your life, your prioritizing of other relationships can fall away. You can end up having a smaller life on purpose because you need to. And that might take you two weeks, or it might take you years and years or it might be permanent, ([Time 0:21:05](https://share.snipd.com/snip/5fd1b0ac-748e-4ea5-9d02-db958ee9e57a)) > **Contentment in Solitude** > - Andrea Zanin identifies contentment in solitude as a third pathway to post-nonmonogamy. > - After experiencing more solitude, some people find aspects they like and want to maintain. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > And then the third one that I posit is contentment in solitude. ([Time 0:22:00](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9c601f79-1320-4708-83c8-0370a4d4f0f0)) > **Contentment in Solitude** > - Andrea Zanin describes eight different axes to engage with solitude, some innate, some circumstantial, and some discovered over time. > - Pandemic lockdowns provided the opportunity for some to find a richness in solitude. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Well, in the, in the book, I talk about sort of like eight different axes that you can engage with solitude from. I mean, some of it's innate, right? How much of an introvert are you? How much do you enjoy being alone, et cetera, et cetera? Um, some of it's going to be circumstance, some of it's going to be what you discover about yourself over time. You know, like for some people, solitude is terrifying. And sometimes it's really hard to get to a point where it isn't. But if you do that work, I think that most people in the world can begin to find a kind of richness there. ([Time 0:22:34](https://share.snipd.com/snip/3ca99e9c-d761-4b52-88bc-ea63113bd606)) > **Embrace Solitude** > - Learn to embrace solitude, as unforeseen circumstances may force it upon you. > - Eliminating the fear of being alone enriches life choices like partnerships and hobbies. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > I really think that almost everybody should figure out how to be alone and how to embrace solitude because there are willy times where you don't have the choice, like where it comes at You and you didn't see it coming, so it's nice to build a skill set. But it also just enriches your life and I think it changes how you make decisions, right? Like if you omit the factor of I'm scared to be alone from the way that you choose what you then do, whether it's partnering or picking up hobbies or whatever else you're doing, I think That it changes the kinds of things that you bring into your life. It's not just to fill an empty space, like you fill that space. So then, yeah, it just changes the angle of decision making. ([Time 0:27:57](https://share.snipd.com/snip/1ce28303-93dc-4f96-8d92-e6cb1c85f554))