# Fucking Feelings — the Attunement Model of Consent  URL:: https://share.snipd.com/episode/2be9aa13-a3f9-494d-b574-4c177974201b Author:: Fucking Cancelled ## Highlights > The contractual model of Consent in Sexual Intimacy > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > This model, you know, it's sometimes expressed in slightly different ways, but it usually includes things like consent is verbal, consent is ongoing, consent is explicit, consent Is freely given, consent is sober. Am I missing any? > Speaker 2 > I think that's that's basically it. Yeah. > Speaker 1 > And so the idea is the idea behind this and like ongoing, did you say that ongoing? Yeah, I said that. And the idea behind this is that basically for each new sex act that happens, you should be verbally asking. So like as sex is progressing, as any kind of physical intimacy is progressing, the person who's initiating should be verbally asking and checking in, is this okay? Do you want this? Can I do this? Right? And failure to do this, failure to verbally check in at each new stage of intimacy is not consensual. Also thrown in there is the idea that people should be sober. So that's basically what it is. The reason that I have a problem with it is that I don't think that it actually maps onto people's real sex lives. I think that most people don't practice this model of consent and actually don't want to practice this model of consent. And that's not because they're just bad people who don't care about consent, but it's because this model of consent is actually super clunky and doesn't feel erotic or hot to most people. And it actually just doesn't match on to what most people do or want to do. So therefore it's not a very effective model for that reason. ([Time 0:06:10](https://share.snipd.com/snip/a49309ec-e9a8-4a8c-82a5-47340be4da74)) > The contractual model secures a yes but fails to create a safe space for a no > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > In this way, this model is actually about securing a yes, rather than what I think would be a better consent practice, which is creating space for any answer, which includes no. And so one of the things that people will say when I say this model is very robotic and it's not very hot as people will be like, yeah, but it depends on how you do it. You can make it really sexy if you just like do it in a playful, like sexy way, right? But actually doing the contractual model in a playful, sexy way is very much like not creating the conditions under which many people are going to feel comfortable saying no, right? Because if you're like flirtatiously and like in a dirty talk kind of way being like, can I do this thing to you? A lot of people, especially people who are conflict avoidant, who are appeasers, who don't want to make the other person feel awkward or hurt their feelings are going to feel really Like it's going to be difficult for them to say no when the person has framed it in this like sexy way, you know? So it doesn't actually make sense. ([Time 0:08:59](https://share.snipd.com/snip/2e841b63-c69c-4fbc-9689-f8262aefa645)) ## New highlights added January 15, 2024 at 11:54 PM > Understanding Attunement in Psychology and Attachment Theory > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Attunement is a term that comes out of psychology and attachment theory people use it. And basically what it means is a deep embodied listening to another person to try to understand what their experience is, what's happening for them and to be open to that experience, To want to know and to make it clear to the other that you want to know. And so when you are attuned to someone, you for sure, you might include some verbal asking, some questioning, some conversation, you know, that's often a part of attunement. But it also includes paying attention to body language, paying attention to eye contact, paying attention to changes in behavior, paying attention to the sounds that the person is Making, paying attention to movement, like how are they moving towards you or against you. And like when we know someone very well, what has happened is we've become highly attuned to them. ([Time 0:15:13](https://share.snipd.com/snip/36ee9f7f-adb3-4307-a78d-d4c95fb0e66f)) > Increased importance of verbal component to attunement when you don’t know each other well > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > If you don't know someone as well, then you're less attuned to them because you simply don't know them as well. So you don't know how to necessarily read their body language, read their facial expressions, read their cues, and you're more likely to sort of misunderstand something. And so in this way, you know, there, there is more of a need for a verbal component to attunement so that you're basically like getting a map of the territory to better understand what It is that you are reading. So you might need to check in either like before the sexual encounter and or during the sexual encounter to help you to interpret the signs that you're getting from the other person. But it isn't just asking and receiving a yes. ([Time 0:16:45](https://share.snipd.com/snip/54dc8bdc-763a-4ad8-9b31-4d7fb9bd4ec7)) > Complexity of Consent > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Consent is like kind of layered. Like, there's different reasons why you might do something. So it could be like, I'm doing this because I'm enthusiastically turned on right now and I like super want to have sex. That would be like an enthusiastic guess. But there could also be like, I'm actually not that turned on right now. And nor am I that interested in becoming super turned on. But like getting off my partner doesn't feel bad to me. It doesn't feel like something I actively don't want. It's something that I would be down to do. And like that can also be a truly consensual yes without being like super enthusiastic, ([Time 0:19:34](https://share.snipd.com/snip/90e3f5b1-6002-420a-8ca6-5c2f03d39b5b)) > Shared Responsibility in Communication and Consent > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > So in the shared responsibility component, the, um, partner who is more receptive also has a responsibility to communicate as clearly as possible to let the other person know if something Has changed or is unwanted. Right. And so both people are responsible. And I think that this is controversial under cancel culture discourse because we believe that it is only the person who initiates who holds the responsibility for, um, consent. ([Time 0:28:52](https://share.snipd.com/snip/d19fadd6-00e2-4f39-92ba-e46538e66286)) > Not saying no is also violating your partner’s consent > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > My responsibility is also to communicate something about what's happening. And basically, you know, if I know that I go nonverbal and that in that moment, I'm not going to be able to verbally communicate that I needed to stop. I need to problem solve about that. I need to have a plan B of action. And the reason for this, and this is a very spicy hot take, is that it is also a violation of my partner's consent. If my partner is trusting me to tell them now, you know, if they're, if they are relatively like demonstrably safe person who's giving me no reason to believe that they actually want To be violating my boundaries, you know, they are trusting me to let them know if I don't want something anymore, right? Yeah. This is the vulnerability of topping because the top is trusting the bottom that they're going to let them know if something is off because most people do not want to violate somebody's Sexual consent. ([Time 0:31:03](https://share.snipd.com/snip/3982711e-6b81-4e9f-a13a-abc4f9618f61)) ## New highlights added January 17, 2024 at 3:54 PM > The Role of Mystery and Otherness in Long-term Relationships > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > It's basically what Esther Perala is saying. It is the fact that you can never fully know the other that is fundamental to us being turned on. And so what happens is that like in romantic relationships, in partnerships, in intimate partnerships, there are two drives. There are basically two wolves that are inside of you, right? One wants security. And this is like a sense of safety, trust, like dependability, belonging, um, you know, to know as much as you can know about your partner and to know that you can like trust your partner And depend on your partner and know that your partner is consistently there, right? This is a fundamental human need in our close relationships. But on the other hand, the other wolf wants mystery, excitement, spontaneity, unpredictability, novelty, right? And part of what happens in long-term partnerships is that our quest for that safety and security can kill the erotic. And this is why for a lot of long-term partners, they stop having sex or they stop having the erotic flame in their partnership because they've gotten to know each other so well that they Have stopped believing that there's any mystery or any unknown there. And what Esther Peral says is that they're wrong and that their partner does not belong to them and that they do not know their partner fundamentally 100% it's impossible to. And so part of, you know, bringing back the erotic spark in long-term relationships is about reminding yourself that your partner is a fucking mystery to you, that your partner has An entire inner world that you don't have access to you and that is always outside of your reach. And when you connect with that, surprise, surprise, it's hot, but also kind of scary. That's the thing. And so the erotic includes this. Like the erotic depends upon it. You need this mystery, this like otherness because basically, if you didn't have that, it's basically like you and the other are one person. You're just, it's just you now because if there's no differentiation, there's no space between you. And so there's nowhere to reach across, right? This is the enmeshment that happens in like codependent relationships. ([Time 0:51:34](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9622a3e5-08df-4570-b073-baae7c2edcc5)) > Taking Responsibility for Crossed Boundaries > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > And so we need, if we want to be responsible lovers, we need to own that risk. We cannot collapse into shame. If we find out that we accidentally crossed a boundary despite our best efforts, you know, we need to receive that information in a responsible way that doesn't take on the entire responsibility For it because remember it's shared responsibility. So our partner also had a responsibility for communicating that information. Maybe they weren't able to at the moment for some reason. They're communicating it now. And we have the responsibility to take that on without collapsing into shame or defensiveness, without feeling like we're a horrible person for having made that error. And unfortunately, cancel culture really fucks with people's ability to do this because we've been taught to think in a super binary way that you're either a horrible monster or you're A good person. And so finding out that you accidentally caused a boundary like sends a lot of people into a panic where their self image is like, okay, now I'm a horrible monster. And this can lead to like self-effacing shame or to like defensiveness, right? Yeah. And like defensiveness is not a helpful response because defensiveness is neither of them are a helpful response because they're not attuned, right? Like you're actually getting information and you want to turn toward that information so that you have that information for next time. ([Time 1:02:01](https://share.snipd.com/snip/60a066af-1961-478c-ab3c-b19ef8642874)) ## New highlights added January 24, 2024 at 8:54 PM > Episode AI notes > 1. The contractual model of consent, which emphasizes verbal, ongoing, explicit, freely given, and sober consent, may not align with people's real sex lives and can be ineffective for most people. Many find it clunky and unerotic. > 2. The contractual model of consent focuses on securing a yes but fails to create a safe space for a no. Using a playful or sexy approach to the contractual model may hinder people from feeling comfortable saying no, especially for conflict avoidant individuals. > 3. Attunement, originating from psychology and attachment theory, involves deep embodied listening and understanding of another person's experience. It includes verbal communication, questioning, and observing nonverbal cues such as body language, eye contact, changes in behavior, sounds, and movements. > 4. When you don't know someone well, a verbal component becomes more important in attunement to accurately interpret the other person's signals and cues, especially in the context of a sexual encounter. This may involve checking in before and during the encounter to better understand the other person's boundaries. > 5. Consent can be given for reasons other than enthusiasm or being super turned on. It can still be genuine and consensual, even if not actively desired. > 6. Shared responsibility in consent challenges the belief that only the initiator holds responsibility. Both partners have a responsibility to communicate clearly about any changes or unwanted aspects. > 7. Failing to communicate about stopping, particularly in nonverbal situations, can be seen as a violation of your partner's trust and consent. Tops trust bottoms to communicate if something is off. > 8. Long-term relationships have conflicting needs for security and mystery. Recognizing the partner's otherness and their inaccessible inner world is crucial for maintaining the erotic spark in a relationship. > 9. It is important for responsible lovers to own the risk of accidentally crossing boundaries without collapsing into shame or defensiveness. The binary thinking of being either a horrible monster or a good person can hinder growth and improvement. ([Time 0:00:00](https://share.snipd.com/episode-takeaways/c1267f89-b570-4cfa-a492-072cf45f4734)) --- Title: Fucking Feelings — the Attunement Model of Consent Author: Fucking Cancelled Tags: readwise, podcasts date: 2024-01-30 --- # Fucking Feelings — the Attunement Model of Consent  URL:: https://share.snipd.com/episode/2be9aa13-a3f9-494d-b574-4c177974201b Author:: Fucking Cancelled ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > Episode AI notes > 1. The contractual model of consent, which emphasizes verbal, ongoing, explicit, freely given, and sober consent, may not align with people's real sex lives and can be ineffective for most people. Many find it clunky and unerotic. > 2. The contractual model of consent focuses on securing a yes but fails to create a safe space for a no. Using a playful or sexy approach to the contractual model may hinder people from feeling comfortable saying no, especially for conflict avoidant individuals. > 3. Attunement, originating from psychology and attachment theory, involves deep embodied listening and understanding of another person's experience. It includes verbal communication, questioning, and observing nonverbal cues such as body language, eye contact, changes in behavior, sounds, and movements. > 4. When you don't know someone well, a verbal component becomes more important in attunement to accurately interpret the other person's signals and cues, especially in the context of a sexual encounter. This may involve checking in before and during the encounter to better understand the other person's boundaries. > 5. Consent can be given for reasons other than enthusiasm or being super turned on. It can still be genuine and consensual, even if not actively desired. > 6. Shared responsibility in consent challenges the belief that only the initiator holds responsibility. Both partners have a responsibility to communicate clearly about any changes or unwanted aspects. > 7. Failing to communicate about stopping, particularly in nonverbal situations, can be seen as a violation of your partner's trust and consent. Tops trust bottoms to communicate if something is off. > 8. Long-term relationships have conflicting needs for security and mystery. Recognizing the partner's otherness and their inaccessible inner world is crucial for maintaining the erotic spark in a relationship. > 9. It is important for responsible lovers to own the risk of accidentally crossing boundaries without collapsing into shame or defensiveness. The binary thinking of being either a horrible monster or a good person can hinder growth and improvement. ([Time 0:00:00](https://share.snipd.com/episode-takeaways/c1267f89-b570-4cfa-a492-072cf45f4734)) > The contractual model of Consent in Sexual Intimacy > Summary: > The contractual model of consent emphasizes verbal, ongoing, explicit, freely given, and sober consent for each new stage of intimacy. However, the speaker finds it problematic as it doesn't align with real sexual experiences. Most people don't practice this model as it feels clunky, unsexy, and doesn't match their desires, making it ineffective. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > This model, you know, it's sometimes expressed in slightly different ways, but it usually includes things like consent is verbal, consent is ongoing, consent is explicit, consent Is freely given, consent is sober. Am I missing any? > Speaker 2 > I think that's that's basically it. Yeah. > Speaker 1 > And so the idea is the idea behind this and like ongoing, did you say that ongoing? Yeah, I said that. And the idea behind this is that basically for each new sex act that happens, you should be verbally asking. So like as sex is progressing, as any kind of physical intimacy is progressing, the person who's initiating should be verbally asking and checking in, is this okay? Do you want this? Can I do this? Right? And failure to do this, failure to verbally check in at each new stage of intimacy is not consensual. Also thrown in there is the idea that people should be sober. So that's basically what it is. The reason that I have a problem with it is that I don't think that it actually maps onto people's real sex lives. I think that most people don't practice this model of consent and actually don't want to practice this model of consent. And that's not because they're just bad people who don't care about consent, but it's because this model of consent is actually super clunky and doesn't feel erotic or hot to most people. And it actually just doesn't match on to what most people do or want to do. So therefore it's not a very effective model for that reason. ([Time 0:06:10](https://share.snipd.com/snip/a49309ec-e9a8-4a8c-82a5-47340be4da74)) > The contractual model secures a yes but fails to create a safe space for a no > Summary: > The contractual model of consent focuses on securing a yes and lacks the ability to create space for a negative response. Even when attempts are made to make it more engaging, it still falls short by not providing a comfortable environment for individuals to express a 'no.' Approaching the contractual model playfully or flirtatiously may further inhibit individuals, particularly conflict-avoidant or appeasing individuals, from feeling at ease to decline, as it adds pressure and discomfort to refuse in such situations. Therefore, the approach of the contractual model does not cater to diverse comfort levels in expressing consent. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > In this way, this model is actually about securing a yes, rather than what I think would be a better consent practice, which is creating space for any answer, which includes no. And so one of the things that people will say when I say this model is very robotic and it's not very hot as people will be like, yeah, but it depends on how you do it. You can make it really sexy if you just like do it in a playful, like sexy way, right? But actually doing the contractual model in a playful, sexy way is very much like not creating the conditions under which many people are going to feel comfortable saying no, right? Because if you're like flirtatiously and like in a dirty talk kind of way being like, can I do this thing to you? A lot of people, especially people who are conflict avoidant, who are appeasers, who don't want to make the other person feel awkward or hurt their feelings are going to feel really Like it's going to be difficult for them to say no when the person has framed it in this like sexy way, you know? So it doesn't actually make sense. ([Time 0:08:59](https://share.snipd.com/snip/2e841b63-c69c-4fbc-9689-f8262aefa645)) > Understanding Attunement in Psychology and Attachment Theory > Summary: > Attunement, originating from psychology and attachment theory, involves deep embodied listening and understanding of another person's experience. It includes verbal communication, questioning, and observing nonverbal cues such as body language, eye contact, changes in behavior, sounds, and movements. Being highly attuned to someone signifies a deep connection and understanding of that person. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Attunement is a term that comes out of psychology and attachment theory people use it. And basically what it means is a deep embodied listening to another person to try to understand what their experience is, what's happening for them and to be open to that experience, To want to know and to make it clear to the other that you want to know. And so when you are attuned to someone, you for sure, you might include some verbal asking, some questioning, some conversation, you know, that's often a part of attunement. But it also includes paying attention to body language, paying attention to eye contact, paying attention to changes in behavior, paying attention to the sounds that the person is Making, paying attention to movement, like how are they moving towards you or against you. And like when we know someone very well, what has happened is we've become highly attuned to them. ([Time 0:15:13](https://share.snipd.com/snip/36ee9f7f-adb3-4307-a78d-d4c95fb0e66f)) > Increased importance of verbal component to attunement when you don’t know each other well > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > If you don't know someone as well, then you're less attuned to them because you simply don't know them as well. So you don't know how to necessarily read their body language, read their facial expressions, read their cues, and you're more likely to sort of misunderstand something. And so in this way, you know, there, there is more of a need for a verbal component to attunement so that you're basically like getting a map of the territory to better understand what It is that you are reading. So you might need to check in either like before the sexual encounter and or during the sexual encounter to help you to interpret the signs that you're getting from the other person. But it isn't just asking and receiving a yes. ([Time 0:16:45](https://share.snipd.com/snip/54dc8bdc-763a-4ad8-9b31-4d7fb9bd4ec7)) > Complexity of Consent > Summary: > Consent is not always based on enthusiasm or being super turned on. It can also be given for reasons such as not feeling bad about getting off a partner, even if not actively wanting it. This type of consent can still be genuine and consensual. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > Consent is like kind of layered. Like, there's different reasons why you might do something. So it could be like, I'm doing this because I'm enthusiastically turned on right now and I like super want to have sex. That would be like an enthusiastic guess. But there could also be like, I'm actually not that turned on right now. And nor am I that interested in becoming super turned on. But like getting off my partner doesn't feel bad to me. It doesn't feel like something I actively don't want. It's something that I would be down to do. And like that can also be a truly consensual yes without being like super enthusiastic, ([Time 0:19:34](https://share.snipd.com/snip/90e3f5b1-6002-420a-8ca6-5c2f03d39b5b)) > Shared Responsibility in Communication and Consent > Summary: > In shared responsibility, the more receptive partner has a responsibility to communicate clearly about any changes or unwanted aspects. This concept challenges the belief that only the initiator holds the responsibility for consent, which is controversial in cancel culture discourse. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > So in the shared responsibility component, the, um, partner who is more receptive also has a responsibility to communicate as clearly as possible to let the other person know if something Has changed or is unwanted. Right. And so both people are responsible. And I think that this is controversial under cancel culture discourse because we believe that it is only the person who initiates who holds the responsibility for, um, consent. ([Time 0:28:52](https://share.snipd.com/snip/d19fadd6-00e2-4f39-92ba-e46538e66286)) > Not saying no is also violating your partner’s consent > Summary: > Being able to communicate about stopping, especially in nonverbal situations, is crucial for respecting your partner's consent. Failing to communicate about stopping can be seen as a violation of your partner's trust and consent. The vulnerability of topping comes from trusting the bottom to communicate if something is off, as most people do not want to violate someone's sexual consent. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > My responsibility is also to communicate something about what's happening. And basically, you know, if I know that I go nonverbal and that in that moment, I'm not going to be able to verbally communicate that I needed to stop. I need to problem solve about that. I need to have a plan B of action. And the reason for this, and this is a very spicy hot take, is that it is also a violation of my partner's consent. If my partner is trusting me to tell them now, you know, if they're, if they are relatively like demonstrably safe person who's giving me no reason to believe that they actually want To be violating my boundaries, you know, they are trusting me to let them know if I don't want something anymore, right? Yeah. This is the vulnerability of topping because the top is trusting the bottom that they're going to let them know if something is off because most people do not want to violate somebody's Sexual consent. ([Time 0:31:03](https://share.snipd.com/snip/3982711e-6b81-4e9f-a13a-abc4f9618f61)) > The Role of Mystery and Otherness in Long-term Relationships > Summary: > Long-term relationships have two fundamental drives: the drive for security and the drive for mystery and excitement. The quest for safety and security can diminish the erotic spark in a relationship by eliminating the sense of mystery and unknown. However, it's essential to remember that it's impossible to fully know one's partner and that they will always be a mystery. This recognition of the partner's otherness and their inaccessible inner world is crucial for maintaining the erotic spark in a long-term relationship. Without this sense of mystery and differentiation, the relationship can become enmeshed and lose its vitality. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > It's basically what Esther Perala is saying. It is the fact that you can never fully know the other that is fundamental to us being turned on. And so what happens is that like in romantic relationships, in partnerships, in intimate partnerships, there are two drives. There are basically two wolves that are inside of you, right? One wants security. And this is like a sense of safety, trust, like dependability, belonging, um, you know, to know as much as you can know about your partner and to know that you can like trust your partner And depend on your partner and know that your partner is consistently there, right? This is a fundamental human need in our close relationships. But on the other hand, the other wolf wants mystery, excitement, spontaneity, unpredictability, novelty, right? And part of what happens in long-term partnerships is that our quest for that safety and security can kill the erotic. And this is why for a lot of long-term partners, they stop having sex or they stop having the erotic flame in their partnership because they've gotten to know each other so well that they Have stopped believing that there's any mystery or any unknown there. And what Esther Peral says is that they're wrong and that their partner does not belong to them and that they do not know their partner fundamentally 100% it's impossible to. And so part of, you know, bringing back the erotic spark in long-term relationships is about reminding yourself that your partner is a fucking mystery to you, that your partner has An entire inner world that you don't have access to you and that is always outside of your reach. And when you connect with that, surprise, surprise, it's hot, but also kind of scary. That's the thing. And so the erotic includes this. Like the erotic depends upon it. You need this mystery, this like otherness because basically, if you didn't have that, it's basically like you and the other are one person. You're just, it's just you now because if there's no differentiation, there's no space between you. And so there's nowhere to reach across, right? This is the enmeshment that happens in like codependent relationships. ([Time 0:51:34](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9622a3e5-08df-4570-b073-baae7c2edcc5)) > Taking Responsibility for Crossed Boundaries > Summary: > It is important for responsible lovers to own the risk of accidentally crossing boundaries without collapsing into shame or defensiveness. Both partners share the responsibility for communication, and it's crucial to receive such information in a responsible way. The binary thinking of being either a horrible monster or a good person, promoted by cancel culture, can lead to self-effacing shame or defensiveness. These responses are unhelpful, as it's important to turn towards the information received to have it for next time. > Transcript: > Speaker 1 > And so we need, if we want to be responsible lovers, we need to own that risk. We cannot collapse into shame. If we find out that we accidentally crossed a boundary despite our best efforts, you know, we need to receive that information in a responsible way that doesn't take on the entire responsibility For it because remember it's shared responsibility. So our partner also had a responsibility for communicating that information. Maybe they weren't able to at the moment for some reason. They're communicating it now. And we have the responsibility to take that on without collapsing into shame or defensiveness, without feeling like we're a horrible person for having made that error. And unfortunately, cancel culture really fucks with people's ability to do this because we've been taught to think in a super binary way that you're either a horrible monster or you're A good person. And so finding out that you accidentally caused a boundary like sends a lot of people into a panic where their self image is like, okay, now I'm a horrible monster. And this can lead to like self-effacing shame or to like defensiveness, right? Yeah. And like defensiveness is not a helpful response because defensiveness is neither of them are a helpful response because they're not attuned, right? Like you're actually getting information and you want to turn toward that information so that you have that information for next time. ([Time 1:02:01](https://share.snipd.com/snip/60a066af-1961-478c-ab3c-b19ef8642874))