# Tackling Debt and Emotional Boundaries  Author:: Voicenotes  ## AI-Generated Summary None ## Highlights > This morning when I woke up, I felt really, really good and eager to do things. I got paid and immediately wanted to go out and pay stuff, pay bills, which is so funny. It felt good to be knocking out these tiny little debts. In many ways, it feels like going back to where I was when I was starting out with YNAB. you know, the dead snowball and stuff, and while it sucks to be there again, for a different reason, it also gives me some comfort that I'm doing something about it, which is so different from just putting my head in the sand, you know, and I do feel bad about Ron having to go through that with me, because he did try to get me to pull my head out of the sand for a bit there but he just couldn't and you know i think it was also that the trust had eroded so much over the course of our relationship not trust that he that he is capable but trust that or not trust that he um has my doesn have my best intentions in mind because he does and did even then but trust in whether or not he capable or relevant i know that's sounds kind of bad to say but yeah at some point he just became easy to ignore. So it does feel like, you know, a bit of a comeback to be here again, to be tackling these problems and thinking about paying off debt and also investing more. Like, what do I, where, where do I save my money? What, what am I saving for now? What do I save for as a not married person you know um I went to Knowles today and turns out Gabriel didn't come yesterday to pick up her stuff even though I had to like I was super worried about it or you know I was anxious about it because I didn't want to see her I'm it's kind of interesting because I really feel a lot of anxiety thinking of seeing her but I not afraid of I don know a physical altercation I just, I really just don't want her in my life. And I can't, you know, it was interesting when I had my therapy yesterday, Rafaela asked, like, why? Why do you want people out of your life? Like, why is it that I wanted to completely, completely get Gabriel out of my life and get Andy out of my life and just completely sever anything to do with them? You know, don't want to see them, mention them, think about them. and I still don't you know I had trouble really elucidating why she suggested that that I'm not just avoiding them I'm actually more avoiding what they make me feel or emotions that they bring up in me I think there is a fear there of this emotional volatility It a very it like this protective side that comes out and takes over and wants to really make sure that I not going to be taken advantage of that I'm not doing anything that I don't want to do, that I don't have in my life, anyone that I don't want in my life, you know? And I have good reasons for not wanting either of them in my life. speaking of which um Andy yesterday he when I got back home to Maastricht I found out that he had sent me he had sent me a letter and he had sent it on Monday and sent it priority so it must have So it was just after, just before the game and about a week after the whole blow up. It's hard to think of what frame of mind he might have been in, you know. I didn't read it because I got this immediate pit at the bottom of my stomach thinking about it. just the fact that he reached out again when I've been pretty clear about blocking him everywhere and he just really he really fucked up you know what he did with the game and remove and muting me it was such a power play and i'm so fucking done and all of the emotional abuse he was really cruel and i even okay the best the best thing would be is if the letter is filled with apologies and you know wanting to stay in contact and saying like he was totally wrong and he's seen the error of his ways that's the best case but even if he did feel that way you know what I'm just I'm just done I don't want someone in my life who would bring that I don't want someone who can't be trusted to keep their head in a situation like that and by the way it wasn't even that stressful like I broke up with him after we were together for four months so you know it's not that big a deal it's something a mature adult should have been able to handle with a lot more grace than he did and I really was unprepared for the level of vitriol that he just hurled at me and I really quite happy to just have him out of my life so if that is the best thing that I could hope for then you know what maybe I should just leave the letters the letter unread I think on on Macedon he liked a post that I'd put out so you know I think that it is positive the worst could be that is very negative that it's more about that you know it's more about how much I hurt him and whatever and how much I've gaslit him there's just so many accusations there and you know i almost wonder if he's the one that's gaslighting me he says that i manipulated him and that i led him on and i i don't know maybe that just an opinion but that not what happened i never led him on my feelings just changed and he was hurt That was it He was just hurt And he had all of these things about what an awful person I am I don't think it's probably, it's probably not gaslighting. It is certainly emotional abuse. And I just don't want someone in my life who is that immature. You know, there were, there were some signs of it. He did this in Singapore. And he has done similar things in the past. You know, like when we've gotten angry at each other, like I just get angry in a very different way. And he's just very destructive. And even like on Macedon when he was, because he was a co-owner. Thankfully I found a way to get him off. but he was moderating some disputes and I thought that he was quite immature about how he handled it I think that his best self knows how to handle these things really well but he really regresses quite a bit into this very immature stage and and he just responds and lashes back in a way that I really was embarrassed by in the exchanges on Macedon and when it was more personal and was directed towards me was hurt by and just completely flabbergasted by he he acts like a teenager sometimes and not not in a good way and i'm just done i will protect myself the best way that i know how i hope that he won't stoop to that level but i will protect myself if necessary Today I was reading in Thinking Fast and Slow, which Noel and I have been reading together, that there is, well I already knew that there was a certain, there's only a finite amount of effort, right, and attention. But what I didn't know is that it's not just a kind of attention, it's across all attention and effort. Meaning, you know, I thought that if If I was dealing with effort at work, like cognitive effort, like if it's been a hard day looking through technical things and trying to learn things, then I could be home and switch gears and be still willing to tackle the emotional effort required to maintain a relationship or have a hard conversation. But actually, studies showed that it's not that way. that it all comes from the same pool that it's all effort and increasing cognitive effort will decrease your ability to spend emotional effort or the other way around and I think that really makes sense like in terms of polyamory right now I'm finding that I don't have the emotional effort that it takes to really pursue that or to to be there for no when he pursues that and I've really not wanted that because there's other things going on there's the emotional effort of dealing with kuya stuff and and the logistical cognitive effort of dealing with a move and getting divorced. There's a lot that's going on and it kind of makes sense that I'm just not capable of applying the same amount of effort on the relationship side that I was able to do before.