# [[Attached]] ![[Attached.svg]] ## Summary > [!abstract] Summary > Contents ## Thesis > [!question] What are the main points of the book? > What was the author trying to say? Identify the overarching ideas and how the author connected them. ### Our attachment styles are set in childhood and influences our adult relationships The authors talk about three different attachment styles that arise as a result of how we're treated as children: *Secure* attachers were given consistent love and reassurance as children, so they grow up to be adults who believe fundamentally that they are worthy of love and who are comfortable being intimate. *Anxious* attachers were taught that they could not always count on people to be around for them, so they learned to be clingy. They grow up to be adults who seek extreme closeness out of a fear of being abandoned. They are afraid of rejection and subconsciously believe that keeping people close will prevent that. *Avoidant* attachers were also taught they couldn't count on people to be around for them, but their response was to learn to be self-reliant. Avoidant attachers prize their independence and fear [[Enmeshment]]/engulfment in their adult relationships. They need a lot of space and distance to be able to relate authentically. Anxious and avoidant attachment styles are called the *insecure attachment* styles. ### Attachment is unavoidable in a committed relationship The authors believe that humans are biologically "wired for attachment" and naturally form some sort of attachment in longer-term relationships. They believe that the Western world has overemphasised the value of complete independence and self-reliance, and that actually, we are most competent when we are allowed to securely attach to each other. ### Learning our attachment styles can help us improve our relationships There are a few ways that learning about attachment styles can help us improve existing (platonic and romantic) relationships: 1. By learning about our attachment styles, we understand and accept our own needs and are better able to communicate them. 2. We can seek out partners whose attachment styles are compatible with ours or at least do not trigger us. (The authors particularly focused on how potentially toxic [[Anxious-Avoidant Relationships]] can be for both parties). 3. We can move towards being more securely attached by understanding the patterns of thinking we typically fall into. ### Anxious attachers subconsciously employ activating strategies and protest behaviours to seek intimacy Anxious attachers use *activating strategies* to bypass their partners' desires to pull away. These strategies entail things like stepping up the frequency of contact or of reassurance requests. When their activating strategies fail, anxious attachers use *protest behaviours* (such as giving their partners the silent treatment or breaking up) in an attempt to bring their partners back in line. ### Avoidant attachers use deactivating strategies to seek space and independence Avoidant attachers use *deactiating strategies* like fixating on "phantom exes" (people who aren't available), distracting themselves, or distancing themselves from their partners in an attempt to carve out a protective shell around themselves. Avoidant attachers are concerned with losing themselves in another person. ## Antithesis > [!question] What was missing? > Identify points the author made that you disagree with or feel should have been included. What are some related ideas from other authors that might conflict with this author's ideas? ### Fatalistic approach to insecure attachment I feel the authors treat insecure attachment as an unchangeable fact rather than something to be worked on. A lot of their advice for insecure attachers seems to be "find someone securely attached", which is difficult at best (since they themselves mention that secure attachers are rare because they're more often in relationships) and apathetic at worst. There were very few strategies mentioned to try to heal an insecure attachment, and in fact the burden of insecure behaviours was often placed at the feet of the chosen partners of insecure attachers. It felt like the authors advocated "working around" attachment styles rather than working through them as part of one's inner work. ### Mononormative bias to attachment Whenever romantic relationships were mentioned in the book, [[Monogamy]] was the assumed relationship style. This assumption led to the belief that secure attachments can be based on the relationship structure rather than the individual interactions: the authors seemed to encourage that insecure attachers allow themselves to latch onto the perceived stability of a mononormative relationship, such as marriage, to self-soothe. There was no attempt to discuss how attachment styles might affect a [[Polyamory|polyamorous]] relationship, such as the complexities involved in having partners with different attachment styles or starting off from a relationship setup that is inherently insecure. This is presumably discussed in more detail in the book [[Polysecure]], by a different author. ### Dependency as a given More than just insecure attachment, dependence on others was almost encouraged. The authors said: > [!quote] Dependency > Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference. They do not adequately distinguish between being attached to someone and being emotionally dependent on someone. ## Synthesis > [!question] Middle ground > How would you reconcile conflicting ideas? What are some other similar ideas you've heard of from others? How is this relevant to you? ## Related - [[readwise/Books/Attached|My Kindle highlights on this book]] - [[Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller|My Shortform highlights on this book]] - [[Polysecure]] %% # Excalidraw Data ## Text Elements ## Drawing ```json {"type":"excalidraw","version":2,"source":"https://github.com/zsviczian/obsidian-excalidraw-plugin/releases/tag/2.0.25","elements":[],"appState":{"theme":"dark","gridSize":null,"viewBackgroundColor":"#ffffff"}} ``` %%